Swimming the Deep End of the Ocean
Chapter 2 - Nightswimming
Standard disclaimer: I don't own Monk.
Notes: **ALERT**A&N's honeymoon has officially started, so you know what that means - adult situations ahead! Sexual situations are integral to this chapter so please sign off now if such content offends your sensibilities-alert concluded!
Thanks so very much for all the lovely reviews and pms- Ya'll are super awesome! :)
Not that this is of dire importance, but in this chapter Adrian reminisces about a visit from Sharona- that's from 'Lessons of Love', Chapter 8.
Chapter title - 'Nightswimming'~ As this chapter opens, I imagine this playing in the background. From REM's amazing 'Automatic for the People', deceptively simple, this song is sweetly nostalgic yet paradoxically hopeful for the future.
Back and forth, over and over, again and again. After what seemed like hours, Adrian stopped moving and let out a groan. What could be taking her so long?
Freshly shaved and showered, wearing a new brown plaid bathrobe and a new pair of boxers (rows of hearts neatly marching across a field of brown- wedding gifts specially ordered by Natalie, thank you very much), Adrian paced the guest suite. From glowing fireplace to bed to the wall of windows overlooking the ocean, the eager groom had walked to and fro, touching this and straightening that, mindlessly filling the time as he waited (and waited and waited) for his bride.
But after the lights were uniformly dimmed and the rose petals safely removed from the bedspread (Natalie had happily exclaimed over their heart-shaped pattern when they first came into the bedroom but, jeesh, they had to sleep there!), the bridegroom was left with the one thing he'd diligently tried to avoid. Thinking.
Crossing the room, Adrian undid a door latch and, with a gentle shove, pushed open the sliding glass doors. The warm salty ocean air assaulted his senses and, like the boundless sea below, his heart churned. He fixed his gaze on the bruised-plum horizon and a tidal wave of memories crashed over him.
Not one hour ago he had been enraptured, enfolded in Natalie's arms. Lost in their heated kisses and freed from his normal anxieties, he had been taken aback when Natalie slipped from his arms and suggested they retreat to separate bathrooms. 'Let's freshen up,' she said, 'Let's slip into something more comfortable.'
After a moment of hesitation he deduced what 'more comfortable' meant, immediately imagining her pale beauty veiled in the gossamer lace of her bridal trousseau. Yes what a lovely idea …And of course a cleansing shower always made everything better.
But to his surprising dismay, today's shower had been devastatingly painful. Slick with lather, his body inflamed by their interrupted entwinement, his mind swerved into the thorny territory he had always, purposefully, avoided.
So many decades ago, long before he'd known the gentle touch of a woman, time alone in the shower had been the only comfort he had had. What an immensely humiliating remembrance. But in retrospect, he had done, or rather, he had not done worse….when he'd found Trudy.
Even though she became his reason for living, with his fears of inadequacies and ineptitude (compounded by an upbringing that lacked examples of any healthy, human interactions), he had shied away and shared so little of himself with her. Yes he had always responded to her, grateful for her attentions. But initiate anything more than a kiss or hug or holding hands? No, he was unworthy, or at least believed he was. It was only after she'd been taken from him that he realized how stupid had he been. Those years idolizing her, putting her high up on a pedestal, he had put her out of his reach and cheated them both out of a deeper union.
Touching his new wedding ring, Adrian refocused his thoughts on the present - and the ugly truth. Although Natalie had drawn him out of his grief and taught him to love again (and most amazingly, was now both his wife and carrying his child!) he ashamedly acknowledged that deep deep down, he still held back. His attempts at initiating romantic encounters had, now that he was being honest with himself, really been with the intent of getting her to take the lead.
Today that had to change. It was time to chisel away the last barriers that restrained him. But the hundred million dollar question was- how?
Hidden within the ocean's crashing waves he imagined Natalie's voice, reciting Uncle Nevil's motto. 'Leap and a net will appear.' Of course, Adrian knew it really wasn't much of a leap. Natalie had always been his champion. She supported and loved him unconditionally, faults and all.
As the first stars appeared in the inky sky, he stood transfixed. He felt a glowing warmth as he recalled a rhyme she had once said to him- 'Remember I'm here, so there's nothing to fear.'
"Oh, we missed the sunset." Natalie appeared behind Adrian, her quiet voice magically eclipsing the restless ocean.
Adrian turned, his thoughts draining away as his gaze snapped into focus. This was not what he expected and he let out a small breath of surprise. Absent were the slinky silks and sheer lace, the smoldering make-up and sexy high heels. Instead she was unadorned. Make-up free, with hair loose and feet bare, she was wearing his old plaid bathrobe.
Amusement lighting her face, she glanced down. "Not too disappointed I hope?"
He allowed himself a second, slower look. This was what he wanted, his bride's true beauty- her love and devotion, her joy and contentment. When he finally raised his eyes he nodded dazedly, his face flushed, his pupils dilated. "You're just…wow."
She walked her fingers up the lapels of his new robe. "So what are you going to do about it?"
The first kiss was gentle and slow, his fingers lacing with hers. Nestling closer together, their kisses deepened and he guided her arms up around his shoulders. Both snickered as he lifted her and carried her across the room, their laughter fading as he placed her beside the awaiting bed.
Slowly skimming his hands along her waist, Adrian thought he could feel the earth spinning. He loosened the tie cinching her robe and the fabric fell open, revealing the sheerest triangles of lace that failed at covering her most private areas. He immediately looked up and met her glimmering eyes.
"Now is the time to say 'wow'." Natalie gave a saucy smile. Shrugging her robe off her shoulders, she transformed from angel to enticing vixen.
Taking her robe and tossing it on a nearby chair, Adrian tried to remember to breathe as his gaze slid over his nearly nude bride. His mind tangled with thoughts; how he wants to hold her and where he wants to touch her and where he wants to kiss her and how he wants to taste her. For once he was determined to explore her fully, with love and desire.
In a rush of boldness, he stripped off his robe and eagerly pulled his chuckling bride on to the bed. But after the mattress dipped beneath their weight, as soon as he started placing kisses down her body, he felt a familiar dark cloud looming. You only have one chance -don't ruin it…but you know you will!
Doubt shot through his veins, flustering him. Minutes turned into years as he fumbled trying to unhook her bra (so un-romantic and klutzy), then he ended up pinching her skin beneath his knee (causing her to noticeably flinch -how could he have hurt her?) and finally, when skimming off her fragile underwear, he heard an unmistakable rip (Natalie laughed in delight but his felt clumsy and brutish).
This entire tryst had been an obstacle course of bad omens. Adrian had to prevent any further damage. Rolling off to the side of the bed and placing his feet on the floor, he reached for his robe. "Natalie? Could we stop for a minute?"
Rising to her elbow, her limbs instinctively curled over her exposed body. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, but-" Standing, he quickly secured his robe and gathered up hers, holding it open. "Could we talk over there, on the couch?"
Sliding from the bed, she slipped into the robe and, taking his hand, followed him across the softly lit guest suite. As they settled on the sofa she squeezed his knee, patiently waiting for him to begin.
"Nat, I, I mean tonight, we-" His voice quivered, his throat suddenly parched. "God, this is difficult. I don't know where to begin."
"Take your time, love." She pet his left hand, touching his wedding band, "And remember, you can tell me anything."
Already knowing his words would tangle into gibberish, he sighed in frustration. But as Natalie's fingers threaded through his, Adrian gathered his courage. It was time to take the leap.
"Okay. Well, tonight is so special and I, I wanted to make it perfect for you…for both you and me. So I was thinking I might, I mean, I wanted to…for you and me…I was thinking I could, even though I never, with Trudy….But I wanted to, with you…It said you'd like it, but then everything started to go wrong. So I thought I shouldn't…I mean, what if I messed up? Or if you didn't want me to, or…So I thought we should talk, I should ask you?" He paused and, seeing Natalie's confused expression, rolled his shoulder, "Wait a minute, let me show you."
Adrian stood and went across the room to his suitcase. Opening it up, he unzipped an inside compartment. Natalie craned her neck to see but his back obscured her view. Tightly pressing the item against his chest, he returned and stood before Natalie.
He unfolded his arms, feeling completely exposed. "Here," he whispered.
He placed a book in her hands. Tilting it toward the firelight, Natalie gasped. "Adrian this is a, a sex book!"
All nerves, he perched beside her and shook his head. "No, it's an 'intimacy guide'. See it says it right here." He gently turned the book in her hands and pointed to the small print on the back dust jacket.
When he withdrew his hands, Natalie giddily leafed through the book before snapping it shut. "Wait, you read this?! When, and how, did you get this? You bought this yourself? Tell me everything!"
Already shaking his head 'no', Adrian rubbed his brow. "Sharona gave it to me."
Her eyes grew into saucers, "Sharona! Oh my God!" Looking down, she flipped through the pages and laughingly murmured, "I'm gonna have to send her a proper 'thank you' gift. Maybe a car … or our first born."
"Natalie, what?!"
She closed the book and bumped her shoulder against his. "Relax, I'm just kidding. Sorry about the interruption." Tucking her legs underneath her, she set the closed book on her lap and turned an imaginary key over her mouth, "I'll be quiet. Keep going, you're doing great." When he remained silent she asked, "So Sharona gave you the book?"
"Yes, when we were all at Lake Tahoe." He shrugged, remembering that night. Although only a week prior, it seemed as if years had passed since Sharona pushed the book into his hands, forcing him to reevaluate this part of his life.
As Adrian pensively gazed into the fireplace, Natalie sat still as a stone. Minutes ticked by. Eventually she prompted, "Adrian, say 'here's what happened'."
"Right." He nodded, his voice turning gravely, "Here's what happened- Sharona came by my room one night with the book and, well, advice." He fidgeted and twisted his fingers together, "Actually, it was more of a lecture- you know how matter-of-fact she is about, ah, personal issues. Anyway, she got me thinking…about my failings-"
"Adrian-" Natalie interjected, quieting when he shot her a 'let's be real, you know it's the truth' look.
"Nat, it's alright. It's no secret I'm uncomfortable with the messiness of the world and, well, humans in general." Adrian added quietly, "I don't like to admit it, but I am one. Human that is."
Natalie snickered, "I always knew it, even before I saw your bellybutton."
"Thanks." He smiled and touched her knee. "Since we've been together, you've been so incredibly patient with me. Especially when we're-" his voice dipped, "together. Encouraging me but not pushing me too far. But the thing is, I haven't been pushing myself…. not that this is an ordeal."
They shared a sly smile and he cleared his throat, emphatically declaring, "What I'm trying to say is that I want to not be so restrained when I'm with you. Try some new things-" He stopped when Natalie's mouth dropped open. She snorted a giggle and he glanced away. With his confidence flickering, he stammered, "Is that okay?"
Until now, Natalie hadn't thought it possible to love Adrian even more. Tears shimmering in her eyes, her head bobbed enthusiastically, "It's 100% okay."
Relaxing back into the sofa, relief erased the lines from his face. There, he had told her everything. But within moments, the worry lines reappeared. Actually, no he hadn't told her everything. Should he describe the seemingly endless desires that had always smoldered in his heart but, now thanks to that book, he knew were normal desires? Oh when he closed his eyes, the images-
Knowing Adrian was silently arguing with himself, Natalie repressed the urge to laugh and bear-hug her new husband….Well actually, 99% of her wanted to hug him- after all, Adrian Monk wanting to explore his sexuality was momentous! She had long ago accepted his shyness so tonight was nothing short of a miracle.
But that pesky, remaining 1%... Oh how she wanted to roll up a newspaper and smack him in the head. Why did he keep mentioning Trudy? Any other day she was fine with it but today, the first day of their honeymoon?
And yes she knew, or rather had always assumed that Adrian and Trudy hadn't had the most sizzling sex life. But why talk about it today of all days? When Adrian showed her the 'intimacy guide' did she open up and relate the crazy similar story about her and Mitch? Did Adrian want to know that, before Julie was born, Mitch brought home a copy of the Kama Sutra on a Friday and, by Sunday night, they both were walking like bowlegged cowboys? Did he want to know that this was why, to this day, she couldn't watch a Western without chuckling?
No, of course not! She wouldn't tell Adrian about it because it was THEIR honeymoon- Trudy and Mitch didn't belong here…And, wow, she realized, Adrian wanted to make this honeymoon a lot more exciting.
Natalie slid the book back into Adrian's hands. "Adrian, put this back in your suitcase. We'll look at it together when we get home." He opened his mouth but she cut him off, "Sweetie, this week's about enjoying each other and having fun. No pressure. If you want to try anything, anything at all, I say 'yes'. I trust you completely, Mr. Monk." Standing up, she playfully mussed his hair, "Come on, put that away and let's get this honeymoon started."
While he went to his suitcase and fiddled with the hidden compartment, Natalie returned to their bed. Slipping off her robe and partially draping her body with the top sheet, she posed herself seductively against the headboard and waited.
And waited some more.
She finally straightened the sheet, covering her bareness, and slid down on her pillow. Staring at the ceiling, she called, "What's going on over there?"
"The zipper's stuck," he growled, his anger flaring. Pulling and pushing, it took years before the zipper teeth finally separated. He practically danced, "Never mind, I've got it."
Lacing her fingers across her chest, Natalie closed her eyes and muttered, "Come over here and you'll get it."
Tucking his suitcase away, Adrian floated towards the bed. "Sorry, did you say something." Natalie was still, her eyes closed. Cursing under his breath, he shed his robe and quietly slid beneath the sheets. She remained motionless and he sighed. Their night was really going to end like this?
Watching the shadows play across the ceiling, he soon felt the mattress dip. A wave of heat sweeping across his skin, his eyes cut sideways. "You're awake."
"Wide awake." Natalie smirked and rose up on one elbow. She looked down at him and lightly tugged his chest hair, "So are you finished thinking and worrying?"
"Yes but," Adrian sighed, "I am sorry if I spoiled tonight with all my talking."
"You didn't spoil anything. But oh, I can tell you're still thinking … and worrying!" Natalie's eyes narrowed as her fingers followed the line of dark hair from his chest to his stomach. She kissed him and smirked, "How many times do I have to remind you to stop thinking?"
Stroking her cheek he grinned, "Ten times, of course."
"Hmmm, ten it is." With an evil grin, she climbed atop him. "Don't move," She commanded, pinning his arms to the mattress. She then placed a kiss under his ear, the tender spot that drove him mad. "Stop thinking."
He forced himself to lie still as she kissed her way down to his chest, gasping when her teeth grazed his skin. "Stop thinking," she growled.
Scooting further down his body, she nuzzled her cheek against his stomach and whispered, "Stop thinking."
Peeling back the waistband of his boxers and kissing his hip, her words were lost, murmured against his skin. It didn't matter though; with his body awash with sensations, words eluded him.
Skimming her hand down over his body, he let out a ragged gasp. She murmured, "That's it, don't think."
Natalie tugged at his boxers and he instinctively raised his hips, without hesitation or shyness. But as she kissed her way up his legs, from his calves, to his knees, to his thighs, he reached down and pulled her to his chest. "Come here woman."
She settled her legs around his hips, "But I wasn't up to my tenth reminder."
Buzzing with desire, he groaned, "Reminder for what?"
"Good boy," She chuckled, rocking forward and easing their bodies together. "By the way, I-" She braced her arms above his shoulders and slowly rotated her hips, "I think it's incredibly hot you wanted to talk about sex."
Finding her ear, his words came out hoarse, pained, "I didn't want to think about it but, you know, it's all I've been thinking about."
He tried to flip her over but she held him down, her hand pressed tight over his heart. She arched above him, a grin twitching on her lips, "Stay right there, Mr. Monk."
He was grateful for the firelight, how tan his fingers looked against her beautiful pale skin. A dark thought skittered in the back of his mind but, as she whimpered incoherently, it was enough to turn off his brain and bring him dangerously close. With a quickening rhythm, the headboard thumped against the wall, but he didn't care. This surely wasn't the sweet gentle lovemaking he had expected but , God it was as though his body finally understood, remembering something ancient, long buried under his clean hands and buttoned-up shirts.
Natalie was impatient and fierce and, as she cried out, he followed her lead. Sounds echoed in his ear and he realized it wasn't just Natalie who had cried out. Both breathing loudly, she collapsed down against his chest, encircled by his trembling arms.
As their heart beats began to slow, Natalie chuckled into the crook of his neck, "Damn, I like when you don't think."
"Me too." Nuzzling his cheek against her hair, he whispered, "I love you, Natalie."
"Me too." Natalie hugged herself tight against his overheated body.
After their bodies cooled they slipped from the bed and cleaned up. Slinking across the moonlit room, Adrian started to close the open door but Natalie hugged him from behind, "Could we leave it? I'd like to fall asleep to the sound of the ocean."
Adrian cast one last look into the dark night. Despite the chilling air, the unfamiliar sounds and, most nightmarish, the thought of random shore birds invading their bedroom as the slept, Adrian bit his tongue and nodded without argument.
Returning to their rumpled bed they curled together, too tired to talk. Natalie's breathing slowed and, when she drifted off to sleep, Adrian slid from the bed and made a beeline for the open door, silently shutting it. He tiptoed back to the bed and hesitated. Awash with guilt, he raced over to the screened windows and lifted one open.
Nestling beside his bride, Adrian placed one final kiss on Natalie's forehead, murmuring his goodnight. "Sweet dreams, Mrs. Monk." Sinking down into the mattress, Adrian expected sleep to come swiftly.
But it didn't.
Something felt amiss. While his breathing fell into rhythm with the rise and fall of the ocean waves, he spent hours watching strange shadows swim across the ceiling. He eventually fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep, the source of his unease remaining just out of reach.
Sorry about the drama at the end but (insert evil laugh) ya'll didn't think their honeymoon would be all rainbows and unicorns, did you? See you next time! :)
