AN: I know it's been a long time, but this is kinda usual for me. Also this piece kept me awake some nights, because it's getting heavy...

Thanks goes out to bookdiva for beat-ing this thingy for me; and BlackBeltGirl67, who assists me with the characterisation, while having lots of schoolwork. Hold on, girl, we're with you:-)


The silence of the ride did nothing to calm his nerves.

Since this one fateful night, they hadn't really talked to each other. When it wasn't about a job to do, neither said a word.

Kensi didn't know what to say.
If it were her, she would have gone to him and said two words: "Forget it." Simple.

Not.

Right from the beginning their partnership was nothing but complicated. Both were still nursing their emotional wounds from losing a precious partner, unable to open up to anything new.

Anyone new.

Deeks didn't know how to say it.
That for once she didn't have to shove the blame to him or her solely. They have been in this together.

It takes two to tango.

All the times he'd put her first, always looked out for her, but that...he'd said more than enough.
He had hopes that this wasn't their breaking point.

"Kensi?" He had gotten out of the car he'd pulled up in front of the lone drugstore, but after a few steps noticed that she wasn't with him.
She still sat frozen in her seat, not even unbuckled.

"Kens? You comin'?" She didn't look up.
"Okay..." Sighing, he climbed back into the driver's seat, the door enclosing the silence once again.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days seemed to pass before he heard her quiet mumble.

"I can't do this."

The witty remark that buying a stick to pee on was nothing one couldn't do died instantly in his brain.

"You're not alone." He looked at her, her hands in her lap, fingers tangled. Her head was bowed, her hair falling to hide her face.
He heard somewhat between a snort and a laugh coming from her.
Than, too fast and sudden after the slowness of the seconds before, she ripped open the door, got out and slammed it shut behind her.

Deeks watched her storm towards the drugstore, before reaching over and hiding her forgotten wallet in the glove department and following her with a sigh.

w-_-w

These damned shops and their damned way of sorting things.
Why not alphabetically or at least like the colours of the rainbow?

Kensi searched, maintaining herself to look calm and normal on the outside to not draw attention, aisle after aisle.
Blind to everything she might had to buy, but didn't need right now, she walked on, trying not to run.
She was about to give up her pride and ask someone for help, when she saw them.

Finally!
She ran and grabbed everything resembling a pregnancy test.

The sharp intake of breath made her turn around a see a woman -probably Hetty's age, but who knew how old Hetty was really?- looking at her with wide eyes.

Kensi's face flushed. She smiled embarrassed and sorted the boxes hurridly back into the shelf, not looking which one belonged where.

A voice just heard saved her from further looks. "Did you find the one my sister asked for?" Deeks came to a halt at the head of the aisle, as if he didn't even see the lady staring at his partner.

"You know that's the fourth time this years wants to know if we get another nephew."
He adressed the woman, still standing and staring. "Monday evening and my sister thinks again she's pregnant. But with her cold she can't get out of bed and her husband...oh, don't get me started on him." He turned to Kensi. "Thanks again, for helping me." She waited for him to put an arm around her, to call her Sugarbear, Fern or Kiki, but nothing.

No touch, no petname.

He shoved the basket he had been carrying in her hands and reached around her. "Okay, that one didn't work, that one said she was just a few weeks along, this one..." Seeing as the lady had moved on -who knows if she bought the story or not, but who cares?- he packed a few boxes into the tray.

Kensi watched astonished, but gathered her voice pretty fast considering what they were doing.
"Deeks? Don't you think seven tests are a bit too much?"

"Nope. We have at least one of every kind, different methods, different brands, different waiting times."
With that he took the tray back, striding towards the register.
Confused, but getting a bit angry, she followed him.
When she stood beside him, she searched for her wallet.

A rush of cold ran down her spine.
Painic rose in her chest.
It wasn't in her backpocket!
Had she lost it somewhere here or back at the scene?
She had to get back, but the cashier already was about to scan in the test.

"Deeks, I-"

"It's in the car." Before she could open her mouth to ask for the keys, he seemingly read her thoughts again. "Don't worry, I got it." He took out his own wallet, smiling at the young man before reaching his hand with the money out to him.
Kensi's death-grip on his arms would have made him wince, but he knew her too well to be unprepared for her actions.

"No," she hissed.
How could he dare? This was her misery, her misery alone. He'd done enough to the current situation, more than enough for her likings.
He couldn't pay for her pregnancy tests, when her wallet was just a few metres away.

"Kensi..." He put a hand on her shoulder, giving an excusing smile to the cashier and turning her away from the man for a bit of privacy. He didn't care if someone waited to pay behind them. Not that anyone would; ten minutes before the store closed there were just a few people there.

"I do not do this for you. I'm not pulling the knight in shining armor- number, okay? Right now I do it for me."
It was a lie she didn't have to call him out on. But he didn't want her to freak out even more if he told her that her worrying had him worrying and if she wasn't happy, neither was he.
A sudden thought stroke him, but he locked it in the back of his mind.

"If you're pregnant, I am the one equally responsible. So, please Kensi, let me just pay for this," he would be on his knees begging, if needed.
He knew she wanted this to be over just as fast a him.

Without a word, she gave her agreement.
Deeks face lit up. Not thinking about the action, he brushed his knuckles over her cheek and turned back to the cashier.
Kensi's hand lifted up.
As suddenly as his gesture had come, her anger was gone.

w-_-w

"No!"

"Kensi..."

"Deeks, I don't need them. Bring them back."

"Kensi! You haven't even taken one."

"But I'm not pregnant, okay? I had a fleeting moment of self-doubt and now it is over."

They circled her living room, Kensi being sure she didn't need a test to tell her she was alone in her body; and Deeks trying to convince her that she had to prove him -he wouldn't admit that it was for her mental health mainly- that.

"You had a-" He couldn't believe his ears. "Oh, don't you tell me Kensi Marie Blye suddenly admits she's been wrong about something." Sarcasm dripped off his words.

"Even the best can be wrong sometimes. I found out myself, so I get to decide." She shrugged and fought the urge to stick her tongue out at him.
Taking advantage of the moment he was frozen about her words, she took all the boxes from her table and shoved them back into the bag.

"Kensi." His soft voice pleading with her made her sigh and close her eyes.
It was her house, it was her body, it was her desicion.

"Only one. Whatever it says, if you don't want the others I bring them back immediately, but please...just one."

Kensi closed her eyes.

Took a deep breath.

Opened her eyes.

Looked into his eyes.

Sighed.

It was his money after all. So if he wasted it, for her it should be...

"Fine."
She ripped the box from his hands, stomping to the bathroom.

She locked the door forcefully.

Than she leaned heavily against the sink.

Her knees threatened to give away.

Her body felt like cement.

After this day, after everything that had happened she was exhausted.

Only this morning she was able to deny that her craving for chips instead of doughnuts for breakfast came from her hormones. From hormones not different from her monthly ones.

She looked at herself in the mirror.

Almost violently she turned the faucet on and splashed cold water in her face.
She jumped from the sudden contact on her skin.
She kept her hands over her face, taking deep breaths.

In.

Out.

In.

Knock.
Knock-knock.

She looked at the door as if not believing that it could interrupt her in this moment.

"Kens?"

Oh yeah, there was someone interrupting behind the door.

"You okay?"

"Fine," she answered, startled by the loudness of her own voice.

"Kensi..." You know what I want to say, don't make me voice it.

"Gimme...give me just a minute."

Not waiting for his answer, she turned the faucet off and opened the box.
A white stick -looking like a thick pen- dropped onto her palm, followed by an instruction paper.
Kensi took a tentative seat on the lid of the toilet, trying to read the way too tiny letters.

Frustrated because she couldn't read one word due to her shaking hands, she groaned and dropped the pen and paper on the floor.
She wiped her hand over her eyes and fought to keep the lump in her throat down.
Why did this have to be so difficult?

'Just unbotton your jeans, get it down with your panties, sit on the toilet and do it!'
How could it be that a trained agent was suddenly unable to do something she did since her early childhood?
In the afternoon tying up men twice her size, armed to the teeth; in the evening not being able to pee on a stick?

At this moment all strenght left her.
She dragged herself up from her seat and opened the door.
With heavy steps she moved back to her living room, completely ignoring Deeks' eager look as she slumped on the couch.

"So?" He asked, sitting down next to her, confusedly searching for the stick.

"Couldn't," she murmured, her head tilted back, her eyes closed.

"What-"

"I didn't drink enough."
Kensi didn't look up, didn't move more than her lips.
Feeling Deeks getting up, she gave in to the darkness that had wanted to swallow her before and fell flat onto the couch. Rolling into a ball -not wanting to think about it being also called fetus- position- she let all thoughts flow freely in her head.

She could possibly be pregnant.
She could possibly become a mother.
She could possibly get a family.

After all, if she was pregnant, Deeks would be the father.
And knowing him, he would gush over the baby, making her feel like a bad mother.
Making her feel worse than the day she slept with him.
The first and last time.
u-_-u


AN2: This thing is not going to be light and fluffly anymore starting with the next chapter, I will rise the rating and change one genre (likely to Angst). If this isn't your cup of tea, tell me, I'll write a second, light version, like the first chapter (imop) suggested. Then we have a dark and a light version, both would start after this chapter.

Leave me a review, please!-) (For it's your decision.)