Disclaimer- I do not own higher ground i have however used or referenced to certain episodes throughout the rest of my fanfic as a basic story guideline.
She had done it. She had survived her first week without spilling her guts; she had gone almost unnoticed by everyone. It had been so hard to keep her mouth shut with Trent there. Something about that boy made her want to confess everything, something about him made her want redemption for her sins.
"Lexi, Peter wants to see you in his office after breakfast," Auggie said setting down his tray at the Cliffhangers' table. Lexi couldn't tell if it was the message or what was on Auggie's plate that made her sicker, so she finished moving the food around on her plate and headed for Peter's office. Lexi got the feeling that Peter was on to her that some how he knew about her early morning jogs and how she hid food. She wanted to do what they wanted but at the same time food was her only outlet she didn't know any other way to control her world.
Lost in thought Lexi found her self outside of Peter's office in no time facing what she thought was her doom.
"Lexi, I was wondering if we could have a chat," Peter had been up for hours thinking of Lexi. Things about her just didn't add up, he had seen her talk openly about her drug use in group but when someone like Juliette brought up self-mutilation she detached her-self as if her scars weren't her own. It was hard for him to hear the things he had and not know how to help. It felt unnatural to him not to know what to do. On one hand Peter was proud of her, she had one of the best attitudes he'd seen in a newbie in a long time yet on the other hand he could tell she was in pain and he needed her to tell him the truth.
This was it Lexi thought, she was going to be kicked out or put on shuns; the thought of either terrified her. In one short week Horizon had become the home she had been waiting for, for seven years. As they sat down across from each other an increasing sense of panic came over Lexi.
"Lexi I wanted to tell you how proud Sophie and I are of you. We've never seen any newbie take to Horizon so quickly, you've have a great attitude and a terrific work ethic." Peter knew he was on thin ice and would need to play his hand carefully or else she would clam up.
"Thanks?" Lexi stuttered, proud was the last thing she thought he would say.
"You sound surprised, people at home don't tell you their proud of you when you do something right?" He knew he had to be cautious it seemed that every time someone brought up her home Lexi changed the subject rather abruptly. He couldn't tell if something was going on there or if it was that her parents were absent.
Lexi wasn't sure if she could trust him and thoughts were racing in every direction. Was she safe here? How much could she say? How much trouble would she be in?
"Not really, I don't usually do things right, there's usually no reason to be proud of me." Noticing the sudden shift in Peter's body language she knew she had said too much and quickly shifted her eyes to the floor as if by not looking at him he wasn't there.
"Why do you feel that way Lexi?" Peter knew she was trying to hide but he just couldn't let her, she needed to talk not with her skin or with food but with a voice of her own.
After realizing that willing Peter away wasn't going to work Lexi went back to the only thing she knew she was good at, "I don't know, why." They could both tell she was lying but Peter didn't want to push her about this he had more things he needed to ask her.
"That isn't really an answer Lexi, but we can talk about this more later." Something in his voice told Lexi she wasn't going to like where their conversation was heading as she brought her knees up to her chest she at least moved her gaze from the floor back to Peter's general direction. "Now Lexi I am very proud of what you've done in the one week you've been here and though I was unsure of keeping you in the same group as Trent I see that both of you have opened up a lot more now that you're together again, and that's good." She could feel a but coming on, "But I'm worried about you and some of your group members are as well." Crap! She knew it was going to be about her weight she just knew it! "Lexi where do you go when you sleep?" was this a joke? Lexi was sure it had to be but something in Peter's face told her otherwise. "No where why?" she could of sworn she was gonna get busted for food and now he's talking about her dreams she couldn't tell where he was going with this. Why did he want to know about her nightmares?
"Alright then, can you tell me about 'the cage'?" at his last words she felt a stabbing sensation in her stomach. How did he know about the cage? She knew that she had to play it completely cool and lie through her teeth. "I don't know what you're talking about," something in the way she looked from his face to the window gave her away.
"Are you sure because you've been screaming about it in your sleep for the past three days," as her pupils dilated at the news Peter knew the only way to get her to speak was to make her feel safe. "Now Lexi if something's going on this is a good place to talk about it, no one here is going to judge you."
Lexi knew that the last thing she could do was talk about 'it', she was so ashamed and angry at her self, how could she have let that slip? All she could think about was how horribly wrong this meeting had gone. She had to think of something quick or else everything would fall apart. "There's nothing to talk about I've been having strange dreams lately about being a caged monkey at the zoo."
Peter knew she was lying but was too afraid to lose her to push the conversation any further. Whatever 'the cage' was was going to have to wait until another time.
"Ok but I want you to remember that my door is always open, if you ever need to talk."
She could finally breathe again feeling that the conversation was coming to a close, "thanks Peter. Is it alright if I go now? I've got lots of homework plus Sophie is taking us on a day hike this afternoon."
"Sure but before you go I want to give you an assignment."
It was Saturday how could he be giving her homework on Saturday? The last thing she wanted was more homework.
"Will I be graded?"
"This assignment isn't about grades, it's about helping you express yourself with words instead of cuts and burns or restricting and purging."
She knew he would never understand but at the same time no one had ever cared this much about Lexi before except Trent. She wasn't sure why but for some reason it felt as if Peter was actually trying to help her not 'cure' her like her teachers or her mother.
"What do you want me to do?"
Peter hadn't really gotten that far in thinking up the assignment. What did he want from her? What did he want to teach her about her self? It wasn't until he saw the five stab wounds barely showing over her shirt below her collar bone that he knew.
"I want you to write a poem."
"What?!?!?"
"Yep a poem about your vices and your dreams; it can be as long as you want it to be but I want it to be something that really means something to you."
Lexi felt absolutely defeated at that point and gave in to his demands. "When is it due?"
"I want you to have it ready by tomorrow evenings group, and if you feel comfortable maybe you can read it. It might help the other Cliffhangers know where you're coming from."
"Can I leave now?"
"Go on, but don't forget about what we talked about today."
"Have a good day," Lexi said in a sad little voice.
"Thanks Lexi I'll see you later."
As Lexi left his office she found herself secretly excited about this assignment even if she would never admit it.
As she stepped into the fresh mountain air Lexi suddenly felt great about life. It was as if Peter's office was some distant memory and his nagging and prodding were merely a bad dream. Something about the mountains agreed with Lexi.
To make this new anti-Peter's office day better Trent was out and about,
"What's shaking carrot-cake?"
"Nothing much sweet-potato," Lexi laughed at the nicknames they had given each other when they were six, she loved it when he called her carrot-cake no matter how many calories it had in it.
"So how was your first trip to Peter's office?"
She knew she had to be careful now, because something in Trent's beautifully disturbing hazel eyes made Lexi's knees melt. "It was nothing special," she hoped she had thrown him off her trail completely.
"Nice try, I know you way better than that and I know Peter wouldn't have called you into his office for nothing. Come on don't make me use the puppy dog face cause I will."
If there was one thing in the world she couldn't stand up to it was Trent's famous puppy dog face, when it came to it vs her that face one every single time. "Ouch! You went way below the belt on that one," Lexi said while trying to stifle her giggle.
"Ok. He said that he was proud of me. It was kind of weird you know?"
"With the way our families run yeah I almost died the first time he said it to me," He said with that goofy grin on his face that gave Lexi butterflies.
"I thought I was going to for sure. He asked about my dreams, apparently I've been screaming in my sleep," She wanted to test the waters see how much she could tell before the warning bells in her head went off.
"Actually you have, really loud in fact. I'm kind of worried about you I can hear the screams in my dorm," Trent said cautiously he didn't want to make her shut down which she had a habit of doing.
"Well your dorm is like right next to the girls' dorm so it's not that bad I mean if the Ridge Runners or Trackers could hear me then you would have a sound reason to worry." She knew it was bad but she had to joke it off or else she might break in two.
"I'm serious and I'm totally worried about you I have been for awhile. I know you haven't been eating Lex or sleeping I can't help but worry I care a lot you know," Lexi hated seeing boys cry and unfortunately for her Trent looked near tears.
"Maybe just being without coke for so long has scrambled me a little. Please don't worry so much you know food and I don't always get along and as for sleep I've just been having some bad dreams that's all," all she could do was hope that her lies comforted him even a little bit.
"I can help if you want, I don't know how but I want to maybe help you with food. I don't know be your at meals cheerleader or something?" Trent was trying desperately to find a way to help Lexi there was just something about her that made him feel ok in his own skin. When she was around he felt like he wanted to be better. Even when they were both up to their ears in drugs she always made him feel like he mattered even when she wasn't trying.
"I would like that, but it's kind of hard for me, it just stresses me out, I can't get fat or I'll die," realizing that she had said too much she found a nice piece of shade under the oak tree and brought her legs close to her chest, like she had done in Peter's office.
Sitting down beside her he felt close to tears again knowing that he couldn't help her if she didn't want him too. He finally understood how Peter must feel all the time.
"You're not fat. You've never been fat not even a little bit, not even at all," as he inched himself closer to her Shelby plopped herself down right in between the two of them.
"What's wrong bones? did those mean old calories from breakfast make your tummy full?" There was just something about Lexi that made it hard for Shelby not to attack even if she didn't want to.
"I've got to go Peter gave me this assignment… bye," it was the fastest either of them had seen Lexi move and that was saying a lot seeing as how Trent had known her since they were six.
"Was it something I said?"
Trent said nothing he simply gave her the most evil 'what do you think' look he could muster.
"Oh were you two having a moment? Sorry," even though she knew she was wrong she couldn't help but be a jerk it was all she knew, it was how she survived.
"I'm gonna go try and find her, see you on the hike Shelby."
While Trent went off in search of Lexi Shelby headed back to the dorm. She couldn't help but wonder why she felt so bad about being such an ass to Lexi, she never felt this way about the things she said to Juliette and weren't they kind of the same?
As she wandered into the Cliffhangers' dorm she noticed a lump of something under the covers on Lexi's bed.
Lexi just couldn't figure it out Shelby had been so horrible to her since she came to Horizon but for some reason she just couldn't hate her. She had too much on her plate to worry about hating Shelby even though she felt justified in doing so. What was she going to write about? How could she express her self without giving it all away? How was she going to… wait where was that knocking coming from?
"Lexi, your husband wants you," Daisy said in her usual sarcastic tone. Even if Daisy was sarcastic all the time Lexi felt way more comfortable with her than with Juliette or Shelby.
"Thanks but could you tell him I don't want to talk now?" Lexi knew the answer before she had even finished the question. "Never mind I'll tell him myself."
It seemed almost painful to get out from under the safety of her covers but she couldn't just ignore him, luckily the door was just around the corner from her bed. She knew it would be hard to tell him no when she saw his face smooshed against the screen but she needed to be tough she had too much on her mind. "Trent I need time to think right now can we just talk on the hike?"
The smile on his face sank but Trent always understood, "Yeah it's no problem I wanted to make sure you were ok, Shelby can be kind of harsh sometimes but she doesn't really mean anything by it," and then he smiled and whispered, "unless you Jules." He knew he had helped with her mood a little because as soon as he stepped back he could see a small smile grace her thin face.
"I'll catch you later?" His eyes hit hers like a ton of bricks.
"For sure," something in those eyes of his told her that she would always be his number one and she wished that her eyes could tell him the same some day.
