Supper was uneventful and quite no one broke the ice and desired to talk about their past at a home for PTSD orphans, there's no questions to ask about home life or growing up so as we all finished one by one they all finished and went to their rooms.
I was one of the last ones to finish mainly pushing around my food with a fork don't get me wrong I love food but the food was bland and over cooked not that I'm picky but I'm not excited to hawk down burnt peas with some plain toast.
As the last few people dwindled down I pushed my plate away and cast a look over at Ari "Hey, you guys have a computer around here? I wanna download songs." I asked holding up my IPod for clarity he looked lazily at me and took a giant chomp of his dry toast chewing it sloppily dropping crumbs down on his shirt "Maybe, maybe you should just look, I have enough to do now run along."
I glared at him mumbling "Shit fucking butler if you ask me." as I turned my back to him and decided to actually listen and take this moment to wander the house I would be living in temporarily. It took about 20 minutes for me to find a big clunky computer but I turned it on as the blinding blue light illuminated the whole room that I purposely left dark to not draw unnecessary attention, hard habit to quit when your whole life is spent being paranoid and avoiding people like a plague.
I don't mind small groups of people but about five tops after that I'm uncomfortable then I have to watch what every individual person is doing just to make sure to tip toe around my triggers that is unless there's any alcohol. If I can get my hands on anything with a hint of alcohol I will wrap my lips around the lid and chug it in record time, some people consider it a 'problem' but I consider how I have to live my life a problem, alcohol is the solution.
I found a couple sights where to download free songs and put about 200 songs on my IPod, after they all loaded I plopped my IPod in my hoodie and wandered back to the kitchen I heard pots and pans smashing together clanking loudly I stayed in the shadows of the doorway and peered in observing Ari working. He threw down dishes angrily and wiped the table with vigor but what my eye caught was the bottle of whiskey glistening on the counter top I licked my lips suddenly parched every time Ari passed it he took a swig and put it back down I watched him until he was done cleaning to see him put it in a cupboard above the fridge I committed it to memory and vowed to be back as soon as the house was asleep.
I walked silently upstairs fleeing to my solitude to hope and close my eyes so I can wake up sooner so I can get my hands on that bottle sooner. Sleep evaded me though constantly out of grasp as my leg anxiously thumped up and down bouncing an invisible child on my knee, I listened to about a third of my playlist before I checked the time for the hundredth time deciding two a.m. was late enough I opened my door and speed walked down stairs as I neared the kitchen I heard urgent hushed whispers as I rounded the corner I peered in and saw about five other house guests all exchanging conversation.
A red headed girl walked towards the knives "Look we all have our releases and ways to coop what we've been through." as she inspected the knives lovingly she selected one and ran it smoothly over her wrist once in a long fluid motion her eyes fluttered shut and a smile grew on her face she then rinsed it off and put it back like nothing had happened but she didn't leave she instead looked at everyone in the room still not noticing me she was looking at two boys with blonde hair and the boy with black hair I had seen earlier they all exchanged glances as if deciding if they could trust each other just enough to show what their poison was, how did they decide to torture themselves?
Any information could be held against you but I decided I didn't care any more it was obvious that they weren't going to tell at least tonight and that was good enough for me I decided I had waited long enough and I NEEDED my sweet release from reality for a little while.
Rolling my shoulders back I didn't talk to anyone as I strode into the kitchen walking passed them I grabbed a chair, picking it up to not cause any noise I walked it to the fridge. Placing it down I stepped on it "Ummm what are you doing?" asked the red head but I didn't acknowledge her I had one thing on my mind right now and it definitely wasn't socializing.
I yanked open the cabinet and smirked sadly at my dark liquid companion I wrapped my fingers around the top of the bottle twisting off the cap I put it straight to my lips and chugged down half the bottle each swallow sent sweet nectar down my throat loosening my voice and wrapping me in a warm embrace almost like a mothers comforting hug pushing away all the nightmares for another night. Tearing it away from my lips I swayed slightly and smirked down at all the eyes watching me but it didn't bug me any more I nodded in their general direction "Sup, names Max." they exchanged nervous glances before the tall blonde one spoke up first "Iggy" he said but now that I studied him I noticed he was a darker shade of blonde it was peppered through his hair with hints of brown.
"Gazzy" spoke up the actual blonde, blonde he was just a head shorter then Iggy but they looked like they could be siblings "Lissa" confidently spoke the red head in the corner "Fang" growled the last person I saw here his black hair covering his eyes again just like at supper then suddenly from the shadows I heard a deep voice "Dylan" I jumped and spun around to see who the new voice was, in walked a tall teenager with ashy brown hair laying in clumps around his head but he had an intense gaze "Jesus Christ this probably isn't the house to be sneaking up on people!" I whisper shouted but he gave me a small lopsided grin and nodded towards the bottle "Mind if I have a swig? Just need to calm the nerves a bit ya know?" I nodded at him but not before taking another large gulp leaving him about a fourth of the bottle he took it gratefully and finished it off.
"So we know what we came in here for" I said motioning to Lissa, Dylan and myself "but you guys gonna loosen up some time soon or just stand there and hope we leave?" I slurred towards Iggy, Gazzy and Fang. Iggy meet my eyes nervously then looked down in shame "I need .. I need a lighter, anyone know where to find one?" I pointed towards the end of drawers and cupboards "Last drawer should be some matches if that will help? Saw Mr. butler shuffling them around after supper lighting candles." Iggy's eyes locked on the drawer and he walked towards it yanking it open his fingers grabbed half the pile and shoved them greedily in his pocket until Gazzy looked at him knitting his eyebrows together as if trying to figure him out "Can .. can I have a few of those?" he asked but his eyes snapped down concentrating on the ground at his feet as if ashamed.
Iggy looked shocked but smiled at him "Yeah man here take half of what I have so they don't notice how many are gone." and he handed him half out of his pocket. Gazzy smirked gratefully at him before we heard two more pairs of feet descending the stairs. We all shared looks some fear, some pretending not to care but their eyes gave them away in the prolonged stares at the shadowed entry to the kitchen when the last two girls from supper walked in, great now everybody was here except Jeb and Ari. "Didn't know there was a party?" spoke up the African girl with mousy black hair that had volume for days as little curls burst from her ponytail she looked timid but not afraid to speak up, I like it.
Noticing no one else was gonna speak up first I nodded in her direction as my liquid courage was flowing freely on my tongue still "I'm Max, what's your name?" she gave me a steady look "It's not my name but you can call me Nudge." I smirked at her "Cool, and you?" I asked a shy looking platinum blonde girl who was trying to hide behind Nudge but she wasn't much smaller then her so it was quite unsuccessful she looked anywhere but me and whispered "Angel" she was just to adorable that I couldn't hate her but then I remembered why we were all here and immediately a heavy weight of sadness was on my chest making it hard to breath correctly, all of these kind, beautiful people were just kids, hell I was just a kid and we were all here for the same reason because clapping, sounds like bullets being shot at us because a hug, makes us remember the last time we were beaten so badly we didn't know if we would ever get up again, because someone hurt us so badly we fear everyone.
Taking in my sadness in strides I took a deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth to steady myself standing up I picked up my chair and successfully walked it back to the table pushing it in the exact position I had found it in I turned to face them all feeling more and more light headed by the minute I bowed deeply "It was a pleasure meeting you all it was splendid but I shall now go rest in my humble abode." I slurred in an awful fake British accent but I heard a couple stifled giggles and considered it a success. "See ya tomorrow Max, hope it will be just as pleasant." spoke up Dylan last minute I stopped walking and turned my head to look at him but my face had a sad far away look on it "It probably won't be." he looked hurt "No not because of you" I motioned in wide circles above my head "I'm only like this with some liquid courage, tomorrow old Max will be back in action." I tried to reassure him with a half hearted smirk but it just came out as a grimace.
"Toodles" I called over my shoulder as I walked away successfully this time, making it to my room I didn't even change out of my clothes instead I collapsed face first on my bed nuzzling into the pillow. Drifting off into a deep dreamless sleep that I relish I slept soundly until I was woke by the sound of shattering glass, I have been woken to that sound to many times to count but it was never good.
Jumping out of bed I peeked my head out of the door way and saw every other door looked the same, barely pushed open and a head peaking through. I took a timid step forward then another and another until I tiptoed to the edge of the top of the stairs carefully leaning over the rail I peered down, I couldn't see anything but there was plenty of noise so I just froze and listened.
"All the damn whiskey is fucking gone!" I flinched taking a step backwards "You knew better then to bring it into a house like this Ari." scolded Jeb gently but firm. Loud grumbling followed then Ari's head appeared at the bottom of the stairs looking right up at me as a slow menacing smile spread across his face I jerked backwards stumbling over my own feet scrambling backwards I slapped both hands over my mouth as a small whimper made its way to the surface. I knew that look but on so many different faces but out of all the foster families that have ever hurt me the face that scared me the most always took form in front of my eyes like a ghost from the past that wouldn't ever stop haunting me my fathers face morphed onto anyone that would terrify me and it was becoming easier and easier to terrify me.
My hands still clasped over my mouth my feet were slowly walking backwards but my eyes refused to leave the stairs because if he was anything like my father he would come up those stairs flying, chasing after me like a bat out of hell. A hand softly touched my shoulder I yelped and spun around to come face to face with Nudge she looked concerned "Are you ok Max?" she asked gently but the panic was taking over hitting me in waves I was being drug under as her face started to morph into my fathers I plowed past her and raced to my room where I slammed the door shut leaning against it I slid to the ground squeezing my eyes shut I put a hand on either side of my head I started my chant that never worked "He's not here he's gone he's not here he's gone he's not here he's gone" but when I slowly opened my eyes the room was engulfed in darkness, the room had a foul odor of alcohol and sweat I watched as a tall muscular man I once loved stood at the end of a small child's bed swaying back and forth just watching until I saw the bed stir and a little girl about six years old poked her head out sleepily adjusting her matted dirty blonde hair out of her face she continued sleeping until the man put a bottle to his lips taking a long swing he started leaning over her bed gently nudging the little girl awake as if she was precious to him as if he loved her as if he wouldn't one day destroy her life.
I slammed my eyes back shut repetitiously ranting to myself "No no no I don't want to see this, I don't want to be here, no no no no more make it stop ... please no more no no no" I opened my eyes slowly to find myself back in the present I took in deep lung fulls of air trying to steady myself as soon as I stopped shaking I stood up and slowly opened my door looking around cautiously I walked out into the hallway hearing soft voices I hesitantly walked downstairs slowly descending the last few steps ready to turn and run at a moments notice I reached the bottom before I saw an unknown woman talking to everyone, noticing my presence she turned towards me "Ahh yes you must be Max I am Valencia but you can call me Val for short." she smiled at me warmly I just stared at her waiting to be told what to do so I can keep the IPod for participating.
"Not much of a talker huh? Doesn't really look like anybody here is but if you would take a seat I was just about to explain the 'getting to know each other' exercise we are going to be doing for the next several days." walking to my seat I couldn't contain the loud groan of hatred that escaped past my lips but there was a few scattered snickers at my outburst I felt my lips tug at the corners of my mouth but taking a seat I turned my face back to emotionless and cold ready to tackle through today.
Disclaimer
