After my nightmares I think I will sleep no more but I do, I do and for once it is rejuvenating. I sleep deeply and long. When I awake the sun is well up in the sky and I wonder why Gimli has not woken me. I wonder why I feel so well, it is a feeling I have long forgotten. My aches of yesterday have disappeared. My shoulder moves easily, pain free for the first time in days. Perhaps it is just Imladris that does this, long has it been a sanctuary, a place of peace. My sea is blue, crystal clear and gentle today. It does not threaten me.

At times like this my distress of the day before makes no sense to me. Of course I will not leave, why would I? Leave Gimli? Leave Aragorn? It is insanity and I will not contemplate it. I am energised, I will see Aragorn today and we will talk. We will move one step closer to becoming the brothers we once were. Yesterday he felt out of my reach. Today I can almost touch him. Our friendship is not irreparable, it is precious to me and I will not give it up.

I discover I am hungry. That is a rare occurrence also and I decide to act on it, hopefully I have not slept long enough to miss breakfast. It turns out I have not. Gimli, Erestor, and Glorfindel are sitting round the table when I arrive and the hum of conversation stops the instant I enter the room. They have been discussing me. Three sets of eyes watch me intently and attempt to analyse my mood. Normally it would annoy me but today my lightheartedness means it simply amuses me.

"Do you like what you see?"

I ask cheerfully and Gimli frowns.

"I see an irritating and most difficult elf," he grumbles but I know he teases and I know he is pleased I am happy this morning.

I reach over for some bread, I am ravenous.

"You seem rested Legolas, did you sleep well?" Glorfindel asks.

"The best!" I reply, it is not quite the truth but close enough. The relief at the disappearance of my burdens has left me giddy. I feel like a child again, as if I could acheive anything today. I am invincible. Today I will see Elrohir, today we will be together. A thought strikes me.

"What time do you expect the twins?" I ask, "Where did they go? Do you know which direction they return from?"

"West, further down the valley. They should be here by lunch I should think,"Glorfindel says. "Why do you ask?"

"I think I will ride out to meet them." The idea has just arrived fully formed in my mind. I cannot wait, I am impatient.

But Gimli groans,

"Have you had not had enough of riding Legolas, I do not want to get on that horse again so soon."

"You do not have to come Gimli, I meant I would ride by myself. Stay here and relax, you lazy dwarf!"

"I am not about to let you go off by yourself!" He says with alarm and I laugh.

"This is Imladris, Gimli, in the fourth age. There are no dangers here. I think I can keep myself safe in the valley."

"It is not dangers I am worried about," he says, "Can you keep yourself safe from yourself?"

It is a strange question but I understand his meaning, he is worried the sea will take me and I will wander.

"I will not veer from the path. I swear it Ada!" I laugh and place my hand on my heart. He is not convinced. He sighs and looks to Glorfindel for support but Glorfindel looks pointedly elsewhere. He does not wish to get caught between us. I don't blame him.

"I seem to remember last time you came here you managed to get yourself chewed up and spat out by a warg!" Gimli tries again.

"That was in the mountains, you are being dramatic, and it was just a nip, a small bite. I will be perfectly safe. In fact if you argue with me for much longer they will already be here and I will only have to jog down to the courtyard to meet them!"

He gives up. I have bested him and it is a grand feeling. It is a long time since we have sparred like this.

The ride is a glorious one. Without Gimli I can let the horse run free, the wind whips my hair and I feel at one with the horse, the wind, the trees. It is exhilarating. It heals my soul, how could I ever leave this? Surely Valinor has nothing to match it.

I hear them before I see them. Their time must have gone well for they are loud and raucous with their laughter. As I turn the corner and see them far down the path in front of me I cry out,

"Be silent you Noldor, you give the trees a headache!"

Elrohir's head snaps to the front to look at me and he is transformed. His face alight with joy,

"Legolas!" He cries my name and vaults off his horse running, running to greet me. I join him on the ground dismounting. He fills me with a bubble of joy, it is so large I cannot contain it and it surges out of me as bright, happy laughter. He is here. We are one.

When we embrace in welcome it is as if I am surrounded by his love. He takes my joy and magnifies it a thousand times. Nothing can hurt me here, the sea cannot reach me. I feel his heart thudding against me. How magnificent he is and he is mine. He loves me.

"Why are you here?" He exclaims, "We did not expect you."

I smile,

"Gimli was getting lazy. I have forced some exercise upon him. We were in the area, I thought you would not protest."

"You know I would not." He is alight with happiness and so am I.

I feel Elladan's eyes upon me and look up. He watches me intensely, what does he look for I wonder? He is beautiful standing there, he fascinates me, I think because I do not understand him. Thinking of him is an error for Elladan and I have erred, we have wronged my lover, his guilt from that chokes me. It creeps out now from the cage I keep it in. It is harder and harder for me to lock it away. I look away from Elladan. I will not think of that. I will not.

Instead I turn to Aragorn who holds back, waiting I think, to see if I will welcome him today or not. My determination to reach him still remains.

"What has happened to your skills, oh leader of the Dunedain, that you trample through the forest with these noisy Noldor?" I ask with a grin.

His face is transformed with a smile full of relief and the tension flows out of him.

"They are all I have to work with" he laughs, "They are hopeless, I need a woodelf."

It is good to joke with him and I bask in his friendship.

During the ride back however my mistake in giving my guilt an escape route takes it's toll. It is an insidious thing and sneaky. It worms its way into my consciousness and sets about destroying my happiness. Elrohir is glowing beside me but I can only see the devastation there will be on his face when he finds us out. He will hate me and walk away from me and with good reason. Fear rises up within me, terror at the loss of him. How long do I have left before he discovers us? By the time we reach Imladris I am quiet and introspective, my joy all but evaporated in the breeze. Elrohir does not notice so caught up in his happiness to see me but Elladan does...and Aragorn I think.

The guilt consumes me. I can think of nothing else and the love Elrohir showers upon me brings me no joy, only the certain knowledge of what I will lose. I spend lunch in silence indulging in my own thoughts of grief, resisting Gimli's attempts to draw me out and of course the sea is back. Am I not allowed even a day to myself?

It uses my guilt as a conduit to attack me. Battering me until I feel torn in two. I cannot concentrate on conversation. It drowns out all else. It is a demanding master and insists I must pay it heed.

By evening I am exhausted. Even Elrohir begins to show concern. We retreat, he and I to be alone. I try to lose myself in him, drown the sea out with our passion. Sometimes it works, sometimes the heat we generate can burn it all away but not tonight. As we lie together afterwards he strokes my hair and asks,

"What is wrong?"

How can I tell him? There is nothing I can say.

"I miss you." I murmer and it is the truth, a part of it at least.

Elrohir sleeps but I do not. The sea will not let me, it is relentless and I am at the end of my endurance. What can I do when even Elrohir cannot rid me of it?

It howls through the night. It is an agony and I am in tears, I cannot do this!

As the sun rises I know what I must do. I have only one choice. I get myself up taking care to leave my love asleep.

There is nothing else for it. I will go mad if I cannot block this out.

I must take myself to Elladan.

To say Elladan and I do not get on is an understatement. He has never liked me, he thinks me to be not good enough for his brother. The funny thing is now I think he might be right. I have tried in the past to win his respect, his approval but to no avail. I wanted him to like me or at least think me worthy.

Then we made our mistake. Our betrayal of Elrohir. When I think about it I can't even understand how that happened but it has destroyed me, and destroyed beyond repair any chance of Elladan and I being anything but the bitterest of enemies. We spend our time pouring disdain upon each other openly and we cannot stop. I want to hurt him as much as I am hurting, every time the guilt twists within me I want to make him pay.

Oh how it hurts Elrohir but even that does not stop us.

Everything changed though in the moment I discovered his sealonging. I can only describe it as elation, how I felt when I understood what he was telling me. Someone else who knew! I was no longer alone. Elrohir and Gimli try to comprehend it but they don't, they never can but Elladan...he was a part of it as I was.

And he could reach within me, take the sea and mould it, change it, release me from it. Everything was different then. It felt as if he looked at me with fresh eyes, perhaps he even liked what he saw. He told me he enjoyed my company and I was like a child receiving praise from a parent, basking in his approval. It made me happy. So long had I wanted him to think well of me.

Of course the guilt remained. He cannot release me from that.

So now when I have reached the end of what it is possible for me to bear, when the sea roars in my ears and I feel driven to the edge of insanity it is not Elrohir I look to but Elladan.

I know it is wrong but I have no choice.