I couldn't believe it! The band was having an all-out brawl! Will had stepped on Skwisgaar's cord, and when he tapped on Will's shoulder to get him to move, Will pushed him into Nate, and fell onto Toki's cord. Nate punched Will, who bent over when he heard Toki coming. Who flew over Will's back into Pickles drum kit. Pickles, got mad and threw one of his cymbals at Skwisgaar, who ducked, and it embedded itself in a guy's neck. As horrifying as it was to see, I was getting some pretty brutal lyrics from watching them.
After the subsequent lawsuits, Nate called an emergency meeting.
"It's okay to hate each other, that's okay, but this can't happen again. It costs too much" Everyone was silent for a moment, until Skwisgaar, who was staring out the window at the wolves, spoke up.
" It appears the yard wolves has grown up. Are we finally finished with thes colds dead winters?" Leaving everyone brooding. But seriously, who has yard wolves? Just then, the band's lawyer/manager showed up.
"Guy's, I've been thinking about how best to prevent another lawsuit or root, and I just keep coming back to... band therapy." He informed us, just wonderful dramatic pause. Did this joker go to drama camp?
So that's how we were all squashed on this tiny little couch at the shrink's office. The idiot was going on and on about how we were a family. If we were a family, I wouldn't want to jump Skwisgaar's bones, to feel his lean hips in between mine, or hear our vocals mixing in a power ballad that was totally not for the others, just us. Oh shoot, the dude was still talking, maybe I should listen.
"I know what I'm talking about, I used to be in a band!" He mentioned, oh so casually. Skwisgaar scoffed.
"I bet you guys sucked, like totally lame." He sarcastically laughed. The shrink laughed sarcastically back, then slapped Skwisgaar, earning him a permanent place on my dead-to-me-forever list.
"You slapped at my face!" Skwisgaar protested. The shrink obviously thought that he could just lie to us because he vehemently denied it.
One week of useless therapy later, and the idiot somehow got access to our recording studio. Nate was explaining how we don't really let anybody in the studio.
"You let the groupie in here" he said, irritating me further.
"I'm in the band!" I protested, as he just held up a hand.
"Yeah. Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me, jeez. I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here, go!" Pickles laughed at that.
"Don't worry, I've been tryin' to do that since yeh got here." He joked, the shrink laughed too, albeit sarcastically.
"Well then it shouldn't be a problem then, should it, SMARTASS?!" Dude is intense. Pickles laughed again, but a little more nervously, and threw up his hands.
"Dude, no hitting." He pleaded.
We were recording an awesome song that I'd been working on forever, and we were recording Toki's part, which was going pretty well, until he made a mistake and Nate had him redo it, for the 164th time. So Toki played the song again, was able to get past the new mistake, until his E string snapped. Skwisgaar groaned in boredom.
"Just... let me record it. Each take gets worse! He's slowly learning how to unplay the guitar." He complained.
"I can hear that. The talkback mike is on." Toki informed him. Which caused Skwisgaar to cover his mouth and lean over to Pickles and whispered.
"Pickle, please let me know when the talkback mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to crysbabies house for vacation?" Wow, so the rumors of Swedes not liking Norwegians or Danes are true.
"I can stills hear you." Toki told him again, which ticked Skwisgaar off.
"So, what do you want? A be-able-to-hear-things award?!" Skwisgaar yelled at him.
"Eh, not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest." Toki replied. Sometimes I absolutely ashamed to have even have heard of these guys, and other times it was almost heaven on earth. And the even more rare times when it was both. This was one of those times, especially with an idiot with an overly large ego, like the shrink.
"Is this the way you normally record?" Duh, you can't record any other way.
"What, you just push little Toki around?" As much as I didn't want to, I had to agree that the shrink had a point. Especially when the rest of the band was so matter of fact about it.
"Are you kidding me? Do have any idea what that's doing to his little ego? Listen. We're gonna do an exercise, an exercise in changing band dynamics." I was pissed not now jack off!
Apparently, I was still only the groupie to him because he made me the lead guitarist, and totally amazed everyone with my awesome skills, and Toki the lead singer. Pickles and Will were too much in the middle to change, while Nate became the back-up guitarist, and Skwisgaar became the groupie. That was the only thing even remotely good, and I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.
"Toki, you are now the lead singer of the band."
"No, thanks." Toki said honestly.
"You know, your creative voice is not appreciated, and we are going to change that." Idiot, don't you listen to your clients!?
"Honestly, I don't wants no creative voice. It's cool." I love Toki's child-like way of speaking! The idiot still made Toki sing, horribly and off-key.
The shrink made me so mad that I almost took the Gibson Explorer I was playing with, and smashed it over his head. Luckily Nate and Pickles saw what was about to happen and held me back, so I called for a lunch break.
While eating, the band was watching a documentary. Nate was intrigued, and Will was pretending to be better than us. When the stupid shrink walked in front of us and called for a band meeting. Luckily Pickles said something first.
"Dude, you may be a therapist, but you can't call a band meeting!"
"Yes I can! For the purpose of these exercises, I am a band member! To reward Toki for great work today, I should like to give him something that the rest of you may one day earn." And then he unlocked his fanny pack, seriously, a fanny pack. He reached in and pulled something out.
"The banana sticker!" Seriously, too stupid, and too much ego. Of course, the fact that Toki was getting something, and not him, made Will jealous.
"How come he gets a banana sticker? Don't I get one?"
"No, Murderface, you do not get a banana sticker, not until you have proven yourself! Until then, these banana stickers shall remain locked in here." And he patted his fanny pack. Dude, no one wants to go near your fanny pack! But his answer made Will mad, so he picked up Toki's guitar and did to the floor what I still want to do to the shrink.
As soon as the shrink pulled Will into another room, I told the rest of the band that I was going away for a week.
"Because, if I have to deal with that f*er anymore, I will stab him in his nuts and slowly turn it. I need to get gone, but I will continue to make food for you guys, it'll just be a little later than normal. Oh, and I'll need a groupie." I said with a glance to Skwisgaar.
"F### yous ok. I'm not some promiscuous womans!" He said bitterly.
So I went off to my hidey-hole, which was already stuffed with my hobbies that I couldn't pull out in front of the band.
I got up and made breakfast, ate, and scuttled off to the gym to jog and do squats. Then hopped in the pool for laps. Then I got out, made lunch, and went back to my vacation space to read until it was time to make dinner, then I went back to knit, or cross stitch until I fell asleep.
When my week was over I went back downstairs where I ran into Toki, who had called an emergency meeting. Locking us in the bathroom, he told us what he'd heard the shrink say.
"I'm telling you he's crazy." Toki urged.
"Alright, this is getting completely out of control. Twinkletits thinks he's in our band. I think we gotta fire 'em." Nate urged, sparking an argument about firing each other, or giving themselves a raise. Then Pickles spoke up about the fact that the shrink was the only way they could get banana stickers.
"Uh guys, stickers are available online." I pointed out.
We decided to confront the shrink when he found us in the band's rec room and was talking about us going on tour.
"Hey! We been thinkin', not very hard, but... You're fired! Yeah. We hate you." The look on his face, made it almost worth the pain.
"Hey it's not that bad. You know I pride myself on being able to pit people against each other, but you're amazing, you're a real dick. And I appreciate that, but we never want to see you again, you ugly idiot dick!" Will praised him.
Skwisgaar was able to get in a crack about his mustache, and the shrink pulled out his last card, the banana stickers.
"We won't be needing your banana stickers." Will bent down and pushed a large trunk over to Nate, who kicked it open, revealing a bunch of banana stickers, as a heavenly rift played.
"We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so..." Nate trailed off. And I guess that pushed the shrink over the edge.
"You sons of bitches! HOW DARE YOU! I AM the band! You can't kick me out! I'll kick you out! YOU'RE ALL FIRED, you buncha stupid pussies! I'LL KILL YOU!" He shouted, holding his pen and rushed towards us, and irony on so many levels as he slipped on a banana sticker, and fell out of the window, screaming all the way down from the fourth story to the ground.
"I'm still alive! I'm still-" stopping his talking when he looked up to see the yard wolves. Never have I been so happy that my band was brutal, when I saw the wolves tearing into the shrink.
Toki somehow felt the need to point out that the shrink was getting eaten.
"Yes, Toki, and his body will nourish the wolves." Skwisgaar replied.
"I believe the cycle of learning is complete."
"Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson."
"Yeah. And what lesson might that be?" Pickles questioned.
"I haves no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten, look at that right there." Damn, not just brutal, my band was also sadistic.
" I ... can say that now." He finished heavily.
"I still hate his eaten, half-digested guts." I said as I spit on his still-being-devoured body.
"Guys, maybe this is weird to say, but am I the only one who is being made to feel hungry by watching this?" Pickles asked cautiously. Everyone was silent as we continue to view the show on the ground. When Nate gave the command to eat as everyone's eyes turned red. Oh well, I guess they were demonic.
Until next time diary,
Brynja Þyjøøstæn
