A Sea of Red
Neji checked his phone for the billionth time that afternoon. Why hadn't Sai called him back? Neji was sure it was nothing. Sai was probably just sleeping. He was fine… definitely fine. Neji was worrying for absolutely no reason at all, even if he did tell Sai that he'd be calling at lunch and Sai still hadn't answered. That was nothing though. Sai probably just never got up to look at the note. Hell, he may have just slept all day and never even read the first one. It was no big deal. Nevertheless, Neji practically shot out of work like a rocket when Hinata came into his office and told him to just go home because his tension was reaching her all the way in her own office across the floor.
Neji wasted no time in getting home. He was sure that he'd at least tripled the speed limit at one point. He wanted to burst into the house and scream for Sai, but he chose to do something much less obnoxious. Sai was probably sleeping, so he quietly let himself in. He used all of his self-restraint to go about his normal activities. He put his keys quietly in the designated key bowl, stowed his briefcase by the coat rack, hung up his coat, loosened his tie, went to the sink to wash his coffee cup, but stopped when he saw the note on the fridge. He set his cup down on the island and chose to read the note instead.
I hate to have to do this in a letter. That already sounded bad. Things were getting confusing though. I was feeling some things for you that I don't think I should have felt. I still love Haku and you… well… I think that the issue there is obvious. Was it? Because Neji didn't think so. Was Sai referring to Sasuke? I wish I had the strength to do this in person. I wish I could say all of this to your face so that I could at least be there to comfort you if you need it, but you'll have Gaara. That's all you really need. Just know that I love you and that I'm sorry. It was sounding really bad now. This letter is to admit so much more than just some feelings that I may have had for you.
Haku called me a couple of weeks before he went missing and what he told me was... disturbing. He had witnessed a relationship form out there. Okay, this was sounding really, really bad. He had seen two of his close friends grow much closer. Too bad to handle. Way too bad. It must have been a combination of the distance and your marital issues that pushed Sasuke to do this. Neji's blood ran cold. No way. Of course, that's still no excuse. Haku was struggling with the information for a while. He didn't know what to do with it. Eventually, he told me though. He overheard Sasuke saying that he was going to talk to you about it and Haku trusted that he really would. No fucking way. That was before Sasuke went missing though. Oh, dear God. No. I'm sorry, Neji… but Sasuke and Naruto… Ohh, God. No. Neji was not reading this. They must have fallen in love. Ohhh, God. No. He couldn't be reading this. There's just no other way that Sasuke would have betrayed his vows. Ohhhh, God. No. Sasuke wouldn't. He was with Naruto though and Haku said that it wasn't just sex. Ohhhhh, God. No. It was real. Ohhhhhh, God! Noooo! He said he would have seen it coming even if they weren't out there for so long. By then, Neji's hands were trembling.
I hope you can forgive me for telling you this way. I hope you can forgive Haku for keeping it a secret. And I hope you can forgive Naruto and Sasuke too. No one can control love. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I'm just so sorry in general. Maybe you saw it coming. Things with Sasuke weren't as perfect as you wanted them to be. Please, call me sometime. Let's not lose touch again.
Love you.
Fuck.
Neji let Sai's letter fall to the floor. What had he just read? His husband had started a relationship with one of their best friends while away at war? Just how the fuck was Neji supposed to handle that? He wanted to think and to rationalize, but all he could do was sink down to the floor and stare blankly at the fridge door. After a while, he really thought that he was okay, that he wasn't going to cry. Maybe this was it, the moment when things changed. Maybe he could move on now. Maybe the grieving had finally ceased. Maybe he was actually free.
Gaara did not come home for what must have been hours. Expecting Sai to be there, he was in no rush to leave work. When Gaara did get home though, the reality of the whole situation finally hit Neji. The emotional vacancy that he had been reveling in dissipated. The uncertainty, the insecurity, the misery, the betrayal, the hurt, and the tears all found him in one overwhelming instant. When he peered up at Gaara's face, he saw a man who had never failed him. He saw a man who had never hurt him. He saw a man worth fighting for. He wanted to see all of that in thoughts of Sasuke though. He wanted to remember his husband as a great, wonderful, committed man. He wanted to part ways both with Sasuke's body and memory gently, in an admirable fashion. Why did Sasuke have to shame his own self and make it impossible for Neji to do that?
Essentially, it must have been Gaara's perfection that sealed Neji's fate that evening. It must have been how easily he overshadowed the man that Neji had married, had trusted, and had loved that brought Neji to tears. He wasn't sure exactly what kind of tears that they were, but he didn't feel like he had the emotional capacity to figure that out. All he could do was cry. In fact, it felt like all he had ever done was cry and it was all that he ever would do. When Gaara fell to the floor to comfort his friend, Neji cried even harder. When Gaara tried to speak to him, he continued to cry some more. He trusted Gaara to read the letter and figure it all out for himself while he simply cried. Gaara did figure it out and carried Neji, incapable of even sitting upright anymore, to a bedroom. Then, Gaara tucked Neji into a bed. All the while, Neji just kept on crying.
The emotional distress must have just knocked him out because he found himself waking up in Gaara's bed sometime the next morning, except Gaara wasn't there. Neji just lay quietly and stared at the ceiling. He faintly recalled Gaara singing to him, so he latched on to that. He played the soothing tune over repeatedly in his head and chose to focus on absolutely nothing but the sound of Gaara's voice. When Gaara came back from his shower, Neji just kept staring blankly at the ceiling. Gaara didn't realize that Neji was awake until after he had fully dressed and glanced over to check on him. Neji was still none the wiser of Gaara's presence though. He was wrapped up in the Gaara in his head. When Gaara sat down on the edge of the bed though, Neji finally startled out of his trance. For a moment, his eyes remained distant when they landed on Gaara. Then, they filled with confusion. Then, they filled with tears, tears that Neji couldn't explain. Why was he crying? What for?
Gaara tried to comfort Neji, but he was short on time. He was already going to be late for work as it was. It took all of Neji's willpower to let Gaara go. He wanted nothing more than to remain in his company, but Gaara had to go and Neji had to let him. Gaara hurriedly informed Neji that he had already talked to Hinata and that Neji didn't have to worry about work. Neji tried to thank Gaara, but he couldn't stop crying long enough to actually form words. The difficulty of leaving was tenfold for Gaara. It took a lot to actually kick his own ass into gear and leave Neji. He didn't even make a cup of coffee. Partly because Neji always brewed the coffee and partly because it felt weird to drink it alone.
Once Neji heard the front door shut with finality, he rolled over and cried twice as hard into the pillow that Gaara must have slept with because it smelled just like him and that was comforting. He didn't want to be alone. He felt so cold, even as he was wrapped in Gaara's blankets. Suddenly, it all felt so wrong to him. He was crying tears for Sasuke into Gaara's pillow. At least he thought that they were tears for Sasuke. He still wasn't all that sure why he was crying. Even if they weren't tears of grief, they were still, certainly, connected to Sasuke somehow though. That much seemed obvious. Neji thought it wrong that he was finding comfort in Gaara's room from the wounds that Sasuke had inflicted.
How could he have ever sought refuge from Sasuke in Gaara's arms? They may be best friends, but Neji had TenTen too. He didn't have to run to Gaara. He couldn't deny that things had always been different between Gaara and himself, especially over the last couple of days. What was he doing here? More importantly, why was Gaara letting Neji do it to him? Even more importantly, why was Neji letting himself do it to Gaara? Most important of all, was Neji truly over Sasuke? Did he really want to be so close to Gaara or was it truly just comfort that he sought? Was there real love between them, love untouched by Sasuke? Were there true bonds that went deeper than friendship, bonds like Sasuke had made with Naruto? Was it okay to be so encased in Gaara and still grieve Sasuke at the same time? Was he even grieving Sasuke anymore? What were the tears for? What was he feeling? Whatever it was, it made him feel dirty, like Gaara's room was the wrong place to be.
Neji decidedly left Gaara's room and ended up standing before his own door, staring down his own bed. He didn't really want to be there either. Unable to find any other place that better fit his mood, Neji settled on curling up in the bathtub. He continued to cry in there for a while. Eventually, he did stop though. The tears dried up and he simply stared at the wall in front of him, thinking of nothing but how white it was. Thinking was hard. It was complicated. It was easier to be empty, so empty it was. He was so empty, in fact, that he didn't even hear his phone ringing, not the first time and, certainly, not the eighth. So it was no surprise that Gaara was staring relentlessly at the clock in his office as he tapped his pen impatiently against the edge of his desk. The very moment that the second hand hit the twelve and it was exactly three o'clock, he buzzed his secretary on his desk phone.
"Yes, sir?" she asked promptly over the intercom.
"I'm going home early today, Yuko. Please tell my brother for me," he said simply.
"Of course, sir," she answered obediently.
There were perks to working as an executive at one of the top companies in the world. There were even more perks when that company had your last name. There were even more perks when your elder brother was just handed the title of CEO by your father and when said brother was extremely relaxed. He never chided Gaara for leaving early, as long as he got there on time in the mornings. Because Gaara had been late today though, he knew that Kankuro would make a big deal of it if he left too early. Three seemed like a decent time because it was only three hours before he normally got off, and he really needed to go home early today. He had to get back to Neji.
He lingered for a few minutes extra, just to see if Kankuro would call down to him in protest. Yuko was prompt. She would have called up to him the second that she finished speaking with Gaara. No call came though, so Gaara left hastily. He, of course, still managed to produce an air of leisure that masked his worried pace. If you hadn't known Gaara well, you wouldn't even know that he was rushing. Even if he was moving fast, he just seemed like he was sauntering carelessly, like he was taking a stroll in the park.
He kindly wished Yuko a good afternoon on his way out. He spared an occasional nod in the general direction of a few of the many men and women who scrambled to greet him as he walked by. He shook hands with one of the very few of his subordinates that were not limited to the occasional nod as the man came out of the elevator. They shared a short exchange in which Gaara said the man's name with the faintest tinge of a smirk and the man nodded briskly in return, accepting that exchange like it was his payroll. To everyone but a very select few, Gaara was just the boss and they never got anything from him that wasn't out of pure politeness, not a shake of the hand nor vocal recognition unless it was absolutely necessary. Even outside of work, Gaara came off very impersonal-like. He was only warm with his friends, and even then he was still pretty stiff. Neji was the sole exception.
Gaara was so eager to get home to Neji that he completely ignored the people calling out goodbyes to him in the lobby in favor of focusing on his friend. Neji hadn't answered any of Gaara's eight calls, and Gaara was definitely worried. Neji wasn't exactly in a good place at the time being. He wasn't exactly easy to trust when left alone in such an emotional state either, at least not with his track record. He had developed some pretty questionable tendencies in the first few months after Sasuke, tendencies that had Gaara imagining a bathtub full of blood. That thought turned his stomach over. He wanted to be back with Neji as soon as possible, so he had no problem breaking the speed limit more than once on his way home. Getting home was easy enough. Going inside, not so much. Part of him wanted to burst in and bark out questions, and part of him wanted to sneak away for a while longer.
He was a good friend. He always had been. It was hard not to do whatever it took to be a good friend when you were in love with that person though. Because he was so devoted to Neji, Gaara would always be there. He was there when Neji first started dating Sasuke, supporting a relationship he despised. He was there at their engagement party, making toasts for a man he had always loved. He was standing there beside Neji at their wedding, holding Sasuke's ring for safe keeping. He was there when they moved onto the base three hours away, moving boxes of their stuff into the bedroom that they would share. He was there when things got rough between them, insisting that Neji try to work things out. He was there when Sasuke disappeared, drying tears that sprang from a love that was not for Gaara. He had always been there, so he would be there now too.
Even if it killed Gaara to see Neji like this, especially when it was because of Sasuke, he would be there. Even if he wanted Neji to look at him with loving eyes, eyes that did not still seek Sasuke, he would be there. He had to be... for Neji. So he let himself in, threw his keys in the key bowl, dropped his briefcase beside Neji's, shrugged off his coat, took his tie off, and then, when he would have normally walked down to his room, stood there silently to muster up the strength to put his feelings aside. He was just peering around the island and down at the bedrooms when Neji called his name softly from what sounded to be the bathroom. His voice was meek but still so hoarse. Gaara sighed. He could guess what had caused such a rasp in his friend's voice.
"Yeah?" Garra called back. He turned and leaned against the island, waiting to hear a reply. He warded away any thoughts of blood and bathtubs. Instead, he chose to assume that Neji was just doing what most people did in bathrooms. He definitely wasn't going to go stand outside the door while he was doing it either.
"C-Come here?" Neji asked.
"Alright," Gaara replied warily as he walked to the bathroom. He noticed that the door was halfway open though, so he rounded the corner and strode in. He stopped and raised a skeptical brow. "What are you doing?" he asked. "Why are you in the tub?" He was glad to see it free of red though. Safe... for now. There was no telling what Neji would do the next day though, or the days after that.
"I didn't… um… I didn't feel right in the bed," Neji admitted meekly, blushing and peering up at Gaara from the tub.
"You could have gone to your own then," Gaara said, ignoring that twinge of annoyance that surged through him at the thought of Neji not liking his bed.
"I didn't feel right there either," Neji replied. Gaara smirked internally and the annoyance waned. At least he wasn't just against Gaara's bed.
"What for?" Gaara asked.
Neji shrugged. "I just don't really want to feel warm," he answered quietly. Gaara grimaced when Neji's voice broke slightly at the end. He moved to sit on the edge of the tub and reached down to touch Neji's knee.
"Being cold isn't going to help," Gaara assured.
Neji looked up at him miserably. "What will?" he asked.
"I will," Gaara said with a warm smile, a smile that struck Neji dumb. Gaara had a beautiful smile. Had he never noticed before? "If you let me," Gaara added. Neji nodded slowly and downcasted his eyes. Gaara took one of Neji's hands and pulled him to his feet. "I'm home now, so you don't have to be alone," he said quietly.
Gaara let Neji lean into him as they moved themselves out of the bathroom. They stopped just outside the bathroom door and Gaara looked to his friend for direction. Neji glanced at Gaara and then nodded to Gaara's room. He wouldn't say so out loud, but Gaara cheered a bit on the inside because Neji did like his bed. Even if that meant nothing in the way of how Neji felt toward Gaara, Neji still liked his bed. That alone was enough to make Gaara feel wanted.
Like a child, Gaara tucked Neji in and combed his fingers through Neji's hair until the man fell asleep. Once he was sure that Neji was knocked out, he retreated to the kitchen with intents to find some dinner, if either of them even really wanted to eat it. He leaned his forehead against his fridge and sighed instead. He couldn't bear watching Neji feel so lost. Gaara actually wished that he could just be Sasuke so that he could make things better for Neji, even if he also wished that just being himself was enough. Neji was not in love with him though. He was in love with Sasuke, even if the bastard was missing and an infidel.
"Come on. Pick up. Pick up."
"Hello."
Gaara frowned at the sad voice that answered him. "You sound… Are you in the bathtub again?" Silence. Gaara sighed. "You can't just sit in the tub all day."
"Yes, I can," Neji argued feebly.
Gaara sighed again. "Did you eat today?" he asked.
"Not hungry," Neji answered.
"You weren't hungry for a long time and then you lost so much weight that you looked like a skeleton," Gaara informed, "so eat anyway."
"Not hungry," Neji repeated.
"Just eat one egg," Gaara suggested. Silence. "Or just something," he amended. Silence. "Anything," Gaara pleaded.
Neji sighed. "Fine," he agreed.
Gaara breathed a sigh of relief. "Are you feeling any better today?" he inquired. Silence. That was a no. "You know, Kiba would probably love—"
"No," Neji interrupted. "I don't wanna see a happy face when all I feel is misery." He vaguely wondered if this was how Sai had felt when Neji had tried to force Kiba on him.
"Neji—" Gaara began worriedly.
"I'm fine," Neji interjected.
"But—" Gaara began again.
"Gaara," Neji nearly whined.
Gaara sighed. "I'm just worried about you."
"I know," Neji said softly, "and I appreciate that, but I just want some time to process this."
"But you don't have to do it in solitude," Gaara insisted. "There was a time when solitude almost pushed you to commit suicide."
Neji sighed heavily. "You're the only company I can stand," he admitted. "You're all I want, so please don't force anyone else on me."
Gaara ignored how suggestive that could have sounded because he knew that it meant no such thing. Neji had meant that platonically. Gaara could not and would not let his heart get ahead of himself. "Alright," he conceded reluctantly, "but if you don't get out of that tub in the next couple of days, I will force company on you."
Neji snorted. "Whatever."
Gaara smiled. That was close enough to laughter for him. "I'll see you at 6:30 then," he said.
"Yeah. Bye," Neji answered.
"Love you," Gaara added. Silence again. Love. Neji thought hard on that word. Just what kind of love did he and Gaara share? "Neji?" Gaara asked.
"Love you too," Neji said quickly, as if jolted to his senses.
"Okay," Gaara said slowly, feeling completely unconvinced. That little bit of hesitation made it sound so forced. Having to pull it out of Neji stripped it of its value. Why did it feel like Neji didn't mean it at all, not even in a platonic way? "Bye then," Gaara said glumly.
"I really do," Neji assured, catching onto Gaara's insecurity. "I was just lost in a thought. That's all. I love you."
That was more like it. That sounded genuine. Maybe it sounded so genuine to Gaara because it had never felt so genuine to Neji before in his life. Both men smiled, each for separate reasons that were really all in the same.
"Hey."
"How are you feeling?" Gaara asked.
"Same as always," Neji replied blandly.
"Are you in the tub?" Gaara asked. He was met with silence. He sighed. "Have you eaten anything?"
"Not hungry," was Neji's flat reply.
Gaara sighed again. "Yesterday I had to come home and make you eat that egg. Today, you're gonna eat it before I get home." Again, silence. "Neji, do you really wanna go through this process all over again? Just eat something," Gaara bargained. More silence. "You have to," he said firmly. Even more silence. "Fine," he conceded unhappily. "Love you."
"Love you too," Neji finally answered and with some actual emotion.
"Bye," Gaara replied shortly.
"How are you feeling?"
"Same as always."
"In the tub?"
Silence.
Sigh. "Eat?"
Silence.
"Neji?"
Silence.
Sigh. "Fine. See you at 6:30 then. Love you."
"Love you too."
"Should I even bother?"
"Probably not."
Sigh. "Then why do I even call? All you answer to is 'I love you'."
"You can call to just say that, you know."
"Then I might as well just text you."
"I would prefer it if you kept calling."
"Why?"
"I like to hear your voice."
"I like to hear yours too, but you don't talk to me. Why should I talk to you?"
"I respond when you say you love me."
"Yeah and that's all."
"That's all I wanna hear."
A roll of Gaara's eyes, even if his heart did flutter at the words. "Fine."
"Alright."
"Okay."
"Good."
"Love you."
"Love you too."
"Bye."
Sigh. "Love you."
"Love you too."
"Bye."
That was it. Gaara had decided. Something needed to change. Their phone conversations were just ridiculous. Neji was always in the bathtub, he never ate, and he never wanted to talk. He only ever wanted to talk when Gaara was actually there at home. Then, every time Gaara got home, he had to physically go and take Neji out of the tub. At least he didn't have to force him to eat anymore. Neji was actually more than happy to share meals with Gaara. He wouldn't eat unless Gaara was there though. The routine was just horrible. Neji couldn't very well just wait for Gaara to return and rescue him from his own misery every single day. Gaara wasn't even sure if Neji cried at home alone or if he just saved the tears for when Gaara finally got there. It was almost like Neji didn't feel anything unless Gaara was there though. Neji's eyes would light up with a thousand conflicting things when Gaara would come to retrieve him. It wasn't healthy. It just couldn't be.
It had become something so complex, something that Gaara didn't know how to handle. It was as if the tub had become some strange way of earning Gaara's affection, as if Neji would ever have to earn it to begin with. Gaara was no psychologist, but it just didn't seem right. Neji had latched on to Gaara in a way that Gaara wasn't sure was okay. He would always be there for his friend, and he would happily spend all day cradling him and offering comfort. It was just the way that Neji depended on him that made Gaara worry. Neji may not have known, but he was torturing Gaara with his behavior too. Gaara was in love with the man after all, and the lines were just getting blurrier every day. Something had to change. Gaara didn't want to have to keep worrying about Neji and that stupid bathtub.
His solution was to recruit Kiba. He knew that Kiba would forcibly raise Neji's spirits. It was just a side effect of being around Kiba. You had to be happier in his company. That way, at least, Gaara wouldn't have to constantly wonder if Neji was approaching suicidal territory anymore. Neji had always said that Kiba was the best kryptonite against that type of thing. All in all, Kiba would put Gaara's mind at ease. He had warned Neji that staying in the tub would earn him this anyway. He was really just keeping his word. Nothing to feel guilty about at all.
"Love you," Gaara said simply, since that was all that their phone conversations had come to anymore.
"How's your day going?" Neji asked.
Gaara hesitated out of pure shock. He hadn't expected to actually talk, not that he was displeased. "Uh… it's just fine," he replied. "How about yours?"
"Good," Neji replied.
That was a definite improvement from 'same as always'. Gaara had expected as much though, since Kiba had been going over to their apartment every week day for the past two weeks. He often stayed for dinner too. Gaara could see Neji getting lighter and lighter also. He was still in sketchy territory, but he was better. He, at least, didn't look suicidal, if suicidal even had a look. Neji hadn't mentioned Kiba even once since Gaara had made that executive decision though, so Gaara didn't mention it either. That was why Neji's next statement caught Gaara off guard.
"Thanks for sending Kiba. It was the right thing to do," Neji said. "I... I find it impossible to think about dying with him here. He makes me wanna stick around."
Gaara smiled. "I'm glad that he's helpful," he said.
"But, you know, I always felt like you did the same thing," Neji said. "You keep me grounded all by yourself. You always have. You didn't really have to call him to begin with. I might have thought about it, but I was never gonna kill myself... just because it would keep me from you. It's always been that way."
Gaara's heart skipped a beat. Shit. There those lines went, getting blurry again. "Th-That's sweet," Gaara managed to spit out.
"It's the truth. I love Kiba, but I can't wait for you to get home. I like being in your company much better," Neji admitted bluntly.
"Well, I'll be back at 6:30, just like I always am," Gaara answered lightly, trying to make those lines very clear again. Neji was just his friend. He had to remember that. They were just friends. Neji's words were harmless, and he did not mean them how Gaara heard them.
"I'll be waiting, just like I always am," Neji said back. Gaara raised a skeptical brow. Then, as if he could see it, Neji amended, "Except I won't be in the bathtub."
"Good," Gaara said happily.
"I might be on the bed for a change," Neji added in a tone that made Gaara's spine tingle. He sounded so… erotic. What the fuck was up with that? Neji's voice was so… ugh… so sexy. Gaara was not okay with that. Neji was not allowed to be sexy. Gaara was not allowed to think that consciously.
"U-Uh… W-What have you been up to today then?" Gaara asked, grappling for a change in subject.
"Not much," Neji answered casually. "Kiba and I talked a little and watched some TV. He just kept me company like you wanted him to do. But, hey," Neji went on in a more inquisitive tone. "I was wondering... um... what you would think if I slept with Kiba."
Gaara coughed nervously. "Wh-What?" he spluttered.
Neji kept his voice casual. "I don't know. I just wondered. You're my best friend. You're the person I want to ask for advice from."
Gaara could practically hear Neji shrugging. Was this really such a casual topic to him? "Um… I… Uh…" Gaara stammered.
"I know he's not gay, but you think he could be?" Neji asked. "I just thought I might try."
"N-No!" Gaara nearly shouted. "I-I mean… I… You… J-Just no!"
"What?" Neji asked innocently.
"I just don't… I mean…" Gaara began stammering again. "You're… Uh… You're…"
"I'm what?" Neji asked. "Lonely," he supplied matter-of-factly, "and frustrated. That's what."
Gaara paled, but his annoyance overshadowed his embarrassment. "What?! You're not lonely! You have me! What else do you want?!" he asked hotly.
Neji smirked. That was telling. "Yeah, you're right. I do have you, but that doesn't solve my frustration," Neji retorted, "not at all."
"I… I… Um…" Gaara began stammering yet again. He wanted to say that he could definitely solve Neji's frustration, but that would be wrong. So he said nothing at all.
"Don't worry," Neji assured. "I won't try to turn Kiba gay. I'll just have to assert my frustrations on someone… else."
Gaara shivered. That sexy tone was back to haunt him. "I'll just see you at 6:30!" he said quickly. "Gotta get back to work!"
"Love you," Neji said softly, so softly that Gaara had to smile and relax. Everything was forgotten and all that remained was the sweetness of Neji's voice. Gaara forgot to remind himself that there were lines, and that Neji was saying it differently than Gaara was hearing it.
"I love you too," Gaara found himself cooing back a bit more tenderly than he had intended.
Neji sighed with disappointment when Gaara ended the call. He really needed to release some tension… on Gaara. Gaara, on the other hand, was relieved to be done with that phone call. It was, to say the least, an interesting conversation, and he wanted to forget it immediately. Clearly, his own attraction to his best friend was causing him to have delusions. Neji would never flirt with him, and yet Neji had sounded so flirty. If Gaara thought about it, Neji had been acting sort of flirty ever since Sai showed up. Bah! Gaara needed to release some frustration himself. His own sexual tension was clouding his mind. Throwing himself into his work efficiently cleared his head of all uncomfortable thoughts so that Gaara had completely shrugged off everything that had him stressed by the time he was driving home.
When he got home, Gaara went about his daily business. He tossed his keys in their designated bowl, they clanked as they hit Neji's, he stowed his briefcase, shrugged off his jacket, and began removing his tie as he turned toward his room. He paused halfway through pulling off his tie when he saw the meal that was prepared and waiting for him on the island, and it came with a smiling Neji already waiting patiently too.
Gaara cocked his head to the side. "Uh… What's this?" he asked. Neji simply motioned to the stool adjacent to him. Gaara left his tie half removed and obediently sat down. "Is there an occasion or something?"
"What do you want to drink?" Neji asked, his voice sounding all sorts of velvety and causing Gaara's brain to lapse.
"Uhhhhh…"
Neji chuckled lightly. "Wine?" he suggested. "You like wine." Gaara nodded in agreement.
Neji busied himself with retrieving the wine from the cabinet above the fridge. It required climbing up on the counter and reaching for the fucking heavens too. He took his time and really thought about his actions. He thought about Sasuke, about Naruto, and even about Sai. Did he even know what he was doing? Dinner? Wine? Sex? He wasn't just using Gaara... was he? These feeling weren't just some byproduct of his grief... right? They were real. They were caused by Gaara, not Sasuke... weren't they?
Suddenly, it all felt so stupid. Why would Neji possibly... That thought was cut off when he turned back to see Gaara's beautiful eyes watching him intently. Oh. That was reason enough for anything. Gaara was beautiful, and Neji wanted him. Judging by the way Gaara watched Neji's hips as he made his way back to his seat, Gaara wanted him too. Well, fuck. It was just written in the stars. If Neji was gonna do this, then he was gonna go all in. So, not at all impervious to the way that Gaara's eyes were glued to him, Neji poured them each a glass of wine. Gaara never stopped looking at Neji, and the intensity of his gaze was all the encouragement that Neji had needed. Slowly and precisely, he twirled a small bite of the spaghetti he had prepared around his fork.
"I know spaghetti is your favorite," Neji said, his voice smoother than silk. In the most seductive way that he could imagine, Neji wrapped his tongue smoothly around the spooled noodles before pulling them slowly into his mouth, making sure not to go out of his way to stop the sauce from dripping a bit onto the corner of his mouth. He quirked a very sleek eye brow and then smirked. "Oops," he whispered before wiping the sauce off with his finger in an agonizingly slow fashion.
Once Gaara's eyes flitted to the dirty digit, Neji licked it clean and then sucked it for good measure before releasing it with a pop. The noise caused Gaara to swallow thickly. His throat was suddenly very dry, but the thought of taking a drink was far too complex to process at that point. He was on a one-track mind, and it was currently stuck on Neji. He parted his lips, probably subconsciously, and watched as Neji lifted his wine and took a tiny sip. Neji licked his bottom lip appreciatively, and Gaara found himself mimicking Neji unintentionally.
It must have been the way that Neji closed his eyes and released a breathy moan at the very same moment that his foot just so happened to find Gaara's ankle that pushed Gaara over the edge because he stood up abruptly and announced, "I'm not hungry," before he very nearly ran to his bedroom.
Neji remained seated to assess the situation, but he did lean back to watch Gaara rush down the hall and disappear into his room. If anything, Neji was even more sure that he wanted Gaara, and Gaara definitely wanted him back. He had to ease the tension though because Gaara was obviously struggling. Before, Neji thought that he had creeped Gaara out when they'd had that encounter with the tickling. Now, however, he wasn't so insecure. He knew that Gaara was attracted to him. Maybe it was just hard for Gaara to see Neji as anything other than a friend. If that was the case, then all Gaara needed was a bit of whiskey. Neji smirked. That always got Gaara good and loosened up. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey from above the fridge and slowly meandered into Gaara's bedroom to put his new plan into action. Gaara was standing in front of his closet door with his forehead pressed to it.
"Have a drink," Neji suggested.
Gaara tensed considerably at the other's voice. "No thanks. I don't think that's the best idea you've ever had," he said without moving from his position.
"I insist," Neji replied. This time, his voice was much closer and Gaara tensed up much more.
"No, I insist," Gaara answered. He very nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Neji's hand rest gently on his shoulder.
"I'm not gonna rape you," Neji whispered against Gaara's ear while he reached around Gaara to stash the cap that he had twisted off in the pocket of Gaara's dress shirt. Then, Neji chuckled. He swung the bottle around Gaara's body and into his chest. "Have a drink," he suggested again in an overly casual tone. "You could use it." He retreated and left Gaara to stand alone with the bottle of whiskey. He chose, instead, to sit at the foot of Gaara's bed, leaning back casually on his hands for support.
When Gaara turned around to face Neji, he felt very confused at the sight. Had he just imagined that scene in the kitchen? Had he been so frustrated that he could actually imagine Neji acting so seductive? Because Neji looked awfully calm right at that moment. He was looking like nothing had happened. Maybe Gaara did need that drink, so he chose to take a very generous swig. He, then, walked over to Neji and offered the whiskey back. Gaara tensed again when Neji stood and their chests were suddenly very close together. Neji did not seem bothered though, so Gaara decided that he shouldn't be either.
Neji took the bottle and swallowed a generous swig of his own, holding Gaara's gaze innocently. He offered the bottle back to Gaara, who took another swig without a word and was also unable to break Neji's gaze. They passed the bottle between each other a few more times in comfortable silence, never breaking each other's gaze but not unaware of how that gaze intensified with each passing moment.
After another swig, Neji licked his lips. It was a short, involuntary flick of the tongue, but Gaara's eyes were hungry for more once it stopped. Very aware of the attention he was getting, Neji smirked. Gaara bit his own lip subconsciously. The lines were getting blurred again. Of course, that may have just been the alcohol. Gaara wasn't necessarily a light-weight, but whiskey was his kryptonite. Not to mention, they had already downed a good portion of it. To say that he wasn't feeling a bit goofy already would be a lie. His grip loosened on the bottle, but Neji grasped his hand to keep it from slipping away. That simple touch sent Gaara's heart into a pounding race. His lids fell to half-mast with lust and he swore that he could climax just from the way that Neji was looking at him alone. Fuck. Whiskey wasn't just blurring the lines. It was decimating them.
Neji knew it then. Gaara was finally his. There was nothing in their way anymore, and there was definitely not one, single doubt in Neji's mind. This was what he wanted. He took the bottle from Gaara's hand and retrieved the cap from his shirt pocket, making sure to 'accidentally' brush sensually against his chest a couple of times. When the cap was safely back on the bottle, Neji dropped it to the ground. Thank god the floor was carpeted because Neji was not impervious to whiskey and dropping a glass bottle on the ground seemed like a good idea at the time. Very slowly, Neji's hands traveled up Gaara's arms and came to rest on his chest. In a quick movement, Gaara had both of his hands placed on the small of Neji's back, pulling Neji flush against him. Their lips were but a hair's length apart, and other regions were even closer.
"This is wrong," Gaara whispered, though he was lacking conviction.
"No. It's right," Neji whispered back.
"How do you know that?" Gaara inquired.
"I want you," Neji answered. "What's wrong with that?"
Gaara leaned just a tiny bit closer, enough for electricity to really spark between their lips. Neji waited patiently though. He didn't want to make that first move. Gaara had to want this too.
"Sasuke?" Gaara asked.
"Is gone," Neji finished, "so let's not talk about him."
"You don't want him anymore?" Gaara asked.
"Right now, I want you," Neji husked, pushing his hips into Gaara's.
Gaara had to stifle a moan. "If… If… I…" Gaara's eyes drifted shut and the thought was lost in a haze of lust. "I…" He opened his eyes with renewed passion and his lips descended. It was like opening a dam for the both of them.
Gaara pulled Neji even closer and Neji wrapped his arms around Gaara's neck. Their lips moved in passionate harmony. Their tongues danced delicately. Before they knew it, their hips were grinding in synchrony. Only when Neji released a rather loud moan did they part amicably. They rested their foreheads against each other as they leisurely ground their hips together. Gaara took a step forward and knocked Neji back onto the bed.
He stared at Neji for a moment before crawling over him. He held himself hovering over Neji, not touching but still close enough to share heat. As he gazed deep into Neji's eyes, he felt love. He saw something pure, but it was not so pure at all really. It was fake. It was fraud. In the blink of an eye, Gaara's mood was dampened. The lust was easier to fight back. Neji's sexy demeanor wasn't so hard to dismiss. Gaara loved Neji, and maybe Neji loved Gaara too. That wasn't enough though. This night would never be enough for either of them. It wasn't honest, and Gaara would never have Neji unless it was because he truly loved the man. It was no fleeting crush or infatuation. It was real, true, honest love and he would accept nothing less in return.
"You think I can fill a void that I can't," Gaara said softly as he put some distance between their lips. Neji furrowed his brows confusedly and tried to pull Gaara back down by his tie. "No," Gaara said as he gently freed the tie from his neck. He pushed himself back and stood at the foot of the bed again. "You think that this will help, but it'll just make it worse."
Neji shook his head no. "I know what I want," he insisted.
"No, I know what I want," Gaara retorted. "You know what you wanna feel. This isn't real though. This is just pretend. Don't act like you don't wish I was Sasuke."
"I don't!" Neji quickly refuted.
"Don't lie," Gaara pleaded. "It's because you're my best friend that I have to say no to you, so I'm sleeping alone tonight." He gazed at Neji with conflicted eyes, and then added, "And you'll sleep in your bed, not the tub."
Neji opened his mouth to argue, to tell Gaara that this wasn't about Sasuke, but he snapped it shut instead. What was even the point? Gaara just didn't want him. That was that. For whatever reason, Gaara was rejecting him. Gaara had just said it. He knew what he wanted, and that obviously wasn't Neji. If it was, they'd be halfway to making whoopee by now. It was because they were friends that they couldn't do it. So Neji was just a friend. That was all he'd ever be. Sasuke was just Gaara's excuse to hide behind. The truth was there though. He was just too nice to say it so bluntly. He didn't want Neji. It couldn't get any more obvious than that. Trying to prove that he wanted Gaara for Gaara would just be humiliating at that point, so Neji left.
Gaara attempted to ignore the miserable sobs that Neji tried to stifle from his room. Gaara hadn't wanted to upset Neji. He hadn't wanted to make him cry. He just wanted it to be real. He wanted to be with Neji only if Neji truly wanted to be with him. He would not have sex with Neji tonight, and he could not go and comfort Neji either. They just couldn't touch right now because Gaara was a little drunk and the lines had been blurred for days now. He was sure that even the simplest, most innocent touch would be enough to crumble his resolve. It would feel like so much more right now. He was only human, and sometimes sexual desire became too much for even him. That had only never happened with Neji before because Neji had never pursued Gaara so strongly before. Honestly, Gaara really hoped that Neji would never do it again too, at least not until he could be sure that Neji was looking for more than just an escape.
When Neji fell particularly quiet, Gaara took the opportunity to knock goodnight. He tapped the wall above his head lightly with a knuckle. He waited patiently for a response but got nothing. He knocked a bit louder. Still, there was no reply, and so he was reduced to holding back tears of his own. Things had really changed now and maybe they'd never be the same. He rolled over and tried to force himself to sleep but to no avail.
It must have been, at least, an hour later when he finally received a meek reply. Two tiny, soft taps came from Neji, and Gaara found the energy to smile. Neji had, apparently, waited until he thought that Gaara was asleep to tap back, but he tapped back nonetheless. That was all that mattered to Gaara. It was a little ray of sunshine. It was something to build off of. In the wreckage that had just become their friendship, not all was lost because Neji had tapped back and that meant the world to Gaara.
Gaara, to say the very least, was eager to get home. Not only was he eager to clean up the whole mess with Neji, but he was a bit worried too. He was sure that it was nothing, but Neji didn't answer his call at lunch time. Neji was, surely, just sleeping though… probably in the tub. Still, it was the first day that Neji had been home alone in a while, and it just had to be the day right after their… encounter. Not to mention, it was the first time that Neji hadn't answered Gaara's lunchtime call too. He trusted that Neji was alright, but he couldn't help but to rush home early anyway. He could only wait another hour after lunch before the anticipation was nearly strangling him. He almost wished that he'd taken his time though… because he definitely wasn't ready for what he came home to.
He walked through his door, threw his keys in their designated bowl, set his briefcase down beneath the coat rack, shrugged off his coat, hung it up, and removed his tie. Then, he got himself a glass of water, something to calm his nerves. He kept his ears peeled for anything out of the ordinary, but he hadn't expected to hear it. He didn't want to yell, just in case Neji was sleeping. He didn't mind buying himself some time to collect his thoughts anyway. He needed to calm down. It had been a very interesting night last night.
He, then, heard a thump come from what sounded to be the bathroom. He scrunched his brows up in confusion. What was Neji doing in the bathroom that caused such a thump? He figured that he had probably just shifted or something in the bathtub, which Gaara had already been expecting Neji to be in, but then Gaara heard a light moan and that really confused him. He just shrugged it off. Another moan that was somewhat louder sounded out though. Gaara really wondered what the hell Neji was doing then, because that moan sounded kind of incriminating. If Neji was… ya know… then Gaara would have to take a long walk or something. He didn't even want to be in the same apartment while Neji was doing that, not after last night.
"Gaara…"
Gaara's heart leapt out of his chest. Neji had definitely just moaned his name. He accidentally dropped his glass and it shattered on the floor. Well, if he hadn't already made his presence known, then it was definitely known now. He pinched the bridge of his nose. What the fuck should he do? Neji was… moaning his name in the bathroom. This was so wrong. It was all so wrong. All he could do was wait for the man to come out and confront him. He heard Neji moan his name again, and his throat went dry. Why wasn't Neji stopping? He couldn't pretend that he hadn't heard that Gaara was home. That glass had made a very loud crash on the floor.
Neji moaned again, a bit more urgently t his time. Gaara slowly made his way toward the bathroom. The door was cracked but he just stood outside of it nervously, trying to decide what to do. Neji moaned yet again and it was followed by a feeble, broken sob. Was Neji crying and… ya knowing… at the same time? Neji just barely breathed Gaara's name again.
Gaara took a deep breath. "Neji?" he asked nervously, receiving another moan in reply. "Uh… You… You shouldn't… um… I don't know… Just… uh… We have to… uh… talk… So… uh…"
"Gaara," Neji groaned weakly.
"You can't just do… that… while I'm talking to you, Neji!" Gaara scolded. "You can't… We can't… Ugh!" Gaara groaned. This was not an easy conversation to have, especially not when Neji was ya knowing on the other side of the door. Neji sobbed again, and then, suddenly, it all sounded different to Gaara.
"Neji?" Gaara inquired tentatively. He stepped closer to the door and put his ear right up to the crack. "Are you okay?" Another feeble sob left Neji's lips. Slowly, Gaara pushed the door open. "I'm coming in so… uh… cover up?" he said cautiously. He peered into the bathroom and then slammed the door open. "Oh my god!" he shouted, running to the tub and ripping off the shower curtain completely in his haste to get it out of the way.
He grabbed Neji's right wrist in a death grip with both hands and began to hyperventilate. The bathtub was covered in blood. Neji was covered in cuts, though the one wrist that he was holding was the worst. Gaara was very lightheaded. He turned away quickly and managed to steady himself without letting Neji go. He almost lost his lunch before he was able to look back at Neji, who was staring at him with the most pitiful expression that he had ever seen. Gaara tired to ignore all the blood and quickly snatched a towel off of the towel rack to wrap around the wounded wrist.
"Hold it!" Gaara snapped. Neji choked on a sob at the tone. "Hold it!" Gaara snapped again and Neji complied. He was weak though, so Gaara knew that he had to be fast.
Gaara couldn't even imagine how much blood Neji had lost. He probably should have been dead. He would be dead if Gaara didn't get help right now. He ran from the bathroom and into the kitchen to look for his phone. Then, he cursed when he felt it vibrate in his pocket. He snatched it out and ignored Kiba's call to dial 911 while running back into the bathroom. He knelt beside the tub again and balanced the phone between his shoulder and ear while he took hold of the towel again, squeezing it tightly. Neji groaned uncomfortably, but shut up when Gaara's unforgiving glare landed on him.
"911, wh—"
"My friend has lost a lot of blood! He has a terrible cut on his wrist and I don't know how long he's been here!" Gaara exclaimed.
"Okay. Sir, I need you to calm down," the dispatcher said.
"I need you to send me help!" Gaara retorted in panic. "Don't tell me to calm down!"
"I need your address," the lady said calmly.
"Can't you… Don't you know! It's… uh… apartment… uh… I… I don't know! I'm panicked! I can't think!" Gaara shouted as he started to hyperventilate again.
"It's alright, sir. We've located your residence and help is on its way," the dispatcher reassured. "How many wounds does he have?" she inquired.
"Yes!" Gaara snapped, though his voice was shaky. "I-I mean, a lot," he amended. "He has... a... lot... of cuts... but... only one... bleeding... bad."
"Sir? Are you okay? Do you need medical assistance as well?" the dispatcher asked.
"It's… every… where… oh god… not… good… with blood…" Gaara choked out through panicked breaths. "Too… much…"
"Sir, I need you to regulate your breathing. You need to calm down. Look away from the blood if you need to," the lady instructed.
Gaara turned away and almost hurled again. In his haste, his phone dropped into the tub. When he looked back and saw it covered in blood, he really did hurl. He was thankful that the trash can was right there. He slammed his head against the edge of the tub when he was done and began to cry quietly. He was too overwhelmed and he couldn't handle it all. It was too much. It was way too much.
"Why would you do this?" Gaara asked Neji desperately. "I… I need you, Neji. You can't do this to me!" he added, not lifting his head or even looking up.
Neji loosed a few tears. "Love… you…" he breathed out.
Gaara began to cry more heavily, but he kept his face hidden. He could hear the dispatcher still trying to talk to him. He could hear sirens approaching. He could hear a loud knock on his door. He responded to none of it. He kept crying. Then, he felt two hands pulling him backward to the other side of the bathroom, and so he closed his eyes tightly. He assumed that it was the paramedics. They had come. They had relieved him. Now he just needed to work on stopping these pathetic tears.
Then, he heard the paramedics rush into the apartment and shout questions at him. When he opened his eyes, he tried to look at whoever had come in first, but there was already a paramedic attempting to command his attention by snapping in his face that was blocking his view. He saw the mystery man's boots stand out among the crowd of shoes though. The snapping sounds that the paramedic attempting to tend to him was making dulled significantly when he caught a glance of blood trickling down the side of the tub. When he saw Neji's arm flop over after it, looking completely lifeless, the world very nearly went black. Less than an instant later, someone had snatched the arm back up and out of Gaara's view, but that really was too much for him. He glanced at his paramedic's face, muttered something unintelligible, and then blacked out.
Gaara refused the nurse's pleas for him to lie back down for the third time, insisting that he was absolutely fine. So he had blacked out. Was that really any reason to commit him? He figured that she really didn't have any reason to detain him, considering they hadn't even hooked him up to any machines or put him in a hospital gown. Thus, he was fine. They had obviously just picked an empty room to let him rest in once they figured out that he wasn't dying. Now that he was awake though, he was going to find Neji. The nurse finally gave in to Gaara's strong will and told him where he should go. Luckily, it was just down the hall.
He could only relax when he heard the reassuring beeping of machines doing their jobs and indicating that Neji was alive. Once Gaara had confirmed that it was, indeed, Neji laying on the bed, then he could breathe a real sigh of relief. He pulled up a chair on the left side of the bed so that he could keep an eye on the door, just in case the mystery man chose to pay Neji a visit. Once he was settled in a comfortable and efficient position, he surveyed the damage. Both of Neji's arms were bandaged up entirely from the wrist to the shoulder, but Gaara could see that the wound on his right wrist was the most heavily bandaged. Even through its many layers of gauze and what were sure to be stitches beneath, the wound continued to stain the dressings with blood. The rest of Neji's arm bandages were spotted slightly here and there with red but, over all, they were on the fast track to healing normally. All in all, the bandages looked more threatening than they were.
Gaara laid one arm on the edge of the bed and rested his chin on it. He laid the other so that he could take Neji's hand in his own. "What happened to sticking around because I was here?" he asked his sleeping friend quietly. He obviously wasn't expecting an answer, but he wanted to get it out anyway. This could be his practice round before Neji actually woke up. "What happened to not needing Kiba because you had me?" Gaara went on, his voice quiet and dreary. "Because I send you away for one night, you do this? You decide to kill yourself just because I won't let you use me? You—"
"Stop." It was barely a whisper, but it was enough to shut Gaara up. Much to his surprise, it seemed that Neji was only resting his eyes.
"You're awake?" Gaara asked, lifting his head from its resting position and sitting up rather stiffly.
Neji nodded yes and cracked his lids to peek at Gaara. "And I didn't try to kill myself," he said quietly.
"So then what's all this if it wasn't you trying to kill yourself?" Gaara asked.
"I got carried away," Neji said simply.
"Carried away?" Gaara repeated quietly. Neji squeezed Gaara's hand, but he slipped it away. "You almost died."
"Please don't pull away from me," Neji pleaded, reaching out to touch Gaara again in some way, any way. Gaara shifted out of reach, never breaking Neji's gaze. Neji's eyes turned more apologetic than he felt that they had ever been. He had never seen such pain in Gaara's eyes, and it was devastating the be the cause. "It was an accident," Neji whispered.
"This was an accident?" Gaara asked, grabbing Neji's less wounded arm and shaking it emphatically.
Neji winced, not in pain but in guilt. "I just... accidentally cut too deep," he argued. Gaara snorted derisively and dropped Neji's arm. He leaned all the way back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, averting his eyes. "Don't!" Neji groaned miserably.
"Don't what?!" Gaara snapped, jerking his eyes back to Neji. They had turned from desolate to angry.
"Don't pull away," Neji supplied. "Don't get all Sas—" Neji cut himself off and pressed his lips shut tightly. That was the wrong thing to say.
Gaara chose to ignore where that was going. "What?" he asked disdainfully. "Don't make you feel bad? Don't pull away from you? Am I getting too moody for your taste?"
Neji huffed. "I need you to be here with me."
Gaara rolled his eyes. "Am I hurting your feelings? Do you feel lonely, Neji? Is that it? Am I getting all Sasuke on you?" Gaara stood from his chair abruptly. "Well, you should be happy. You're finally getting what you want. I'm finally Sasuke for you!" he snapped and then began walking away.
"Stop!" Gaara ignored Neji's plea. "Stop! Stop!" Gaara halted with his hand on the doorknob. "Please don't leave me!" Neji begged with a shaky, tear-stricken voice.
"You were gonna leave me," Gaara retorted, not even turning around.
He knew that the sight of Neji so shaken would be more than enough to tear him down. He couldn't break his resolve just yet though. He had the right to be angry, to be hurt. Neji couldn't take that away just because he didn't want to feel guilty. It couldn't always be about him. Right now, it was about Gaara. Didn't he matter for once? He knew that turning around and looking into Neji's eyes would render him unable to resist coddling Neji. Did Gaara not deserve a little coddling for once though? When was it his turn?
"I'm sorry!" Neji said loudly. "Please, just forgive me," he asked more timidly. "I wasn't trying to kill myself. It was just... just a pity party."
"That's how you throw pity parties?! You cut yourself?!" Gaara snapped, turning around and glaring at Neji. It took all of his will power to latch onto that anger and keep himself from feeling sorry for Neji. Neji did not deserve his sympathy right now. "That's bullshit, Neji! You stopped that habit a long time ago!"
"Old habits die hard," Neji retorted.
"Neji!" Gaara shouted with exasperation. "You never even cut yourself over Sasuke! Not once!" Gaara managed to lower his voice down to a less thunderous level. "That was how I knew you'd be okay. I figured that you'd revert to that before committing suicide. Now, you decide to cut yourself over something so petty? You cut yourself so deep that I have to come home you in a bloody tub, dying? And you expect me to believe that it was just an accident?"
"Yes," Neji said.
Gaara shook his head and narrowed his eyes. "What kind of a fool do you take me for?"
"Maybe Sasuke just didn't hurt this much," Neji mused.
Gaara snorted. "Cut the bullshit!" he demanded.
"I'm serious!" Neji insisted. "Maybe that's why I was never driven this far. Maybe that's why it was all just empty threats to myself." Gaara sighed heavily and rubbed his eyes in frustration. Neji sighed too. "Please sit back down," he requested. Gaara glanced back up at Neji and those needy eyes were his demise. He had been sucked back in the second that he turned around anyway. There was no point in pretending that Neji didn't have the power here, so he crossed the room and sat back down. He chose to look at anything but Neji though. "You have a right to be mad," Neji said.
"Ill say," was Gaara's flat reply.
"But," Neji went on, "I'm serious when I say it was an accident. I meant it when I said that I wanted to live for you. I'm really sorry."
Gaara turned eyes that wanted to be angry but chose to be sad instead back to Neji. "Where the hell did you get off getting carried away like that?"
"I don't know," Neji said quietly.
"Did you think about no one but yourself, Neji?" Gaara asked. "I mean, seriously."
"I guess not," Neji admitted.
"Even if it hadn't almost killed you, didn't you think that someone might still be really fucking upset to see you like that?" Gaara asked. Neji cringed at the pain in his voice. "And didn't you think that maybe that someone had no clue that sending you to your room would push you to do something so stupid? If he had known, that someone would have just slept with you!"
"Just to appease me? Just to keep me from cutting? That's all?" Neji asked.
"Yes," Gaara said. "I wouldn't be able to fake it for any other reason."
"Fake it?" Neji asked, feeling hurt by those words.
"Yes," Gaara said flatly. "Fake it, Neji. That's what I said. You think I want to have sex with someone who's using me as a crutch? If I would have conceded, it would have been just to pacify you," he said.
"I wouldn't want that," Neji said quietly.
"Yet you tried so hard to get it!" Gaara said, his voice rising with emotion. "What? That's not what you want? You don't want me if I'm just doing it to make you happy, if I'm not invested?"
"No," Neji replied, sounding defeated.
"Does it feel like shit, knowing that it would have meant nothing to me?" Gaara pestered.
"Yes," Neji whispered.
"Then welcome to my world!" Gaara shouted. "Welcome to every day of my life! It sucks being seduced to satisfy someone's selfish need, a need that's not even for you but for someone else! It sucks being used!" Gaara huffed to catch his breath. He averted his eyes in embarrassment. He hadn't shown such emotion in such a long time. It almost felt foreign to let it be seen so easily. "Why did you have to punish me like this?" he asked miserably, fighting to keep his voice from trembling.
"I wasn't punishing you," Neji said quietly.
"Well, it sure feels like you are," Gaara argued. He flickered his misty eyes to Neji's for an instant, just long enough to see the remorse there. "What did I ever do to deserve this?" Gaara asked quietly, more to himself than to Neji.
"I wasn't just using you," Neji assured.
"That's not it," Gaara said. "That's not even the beginning of it, Neji." He looked back up to Neji. "I mean, what did I do to deserve this life in general? Why did I have to fall in love with you, someone who was destined to never want me back? Why did I have to comfort you as a friend over your lost lover? Why did I have to suck up every ounce of my pain just to spare you yours? Why has it always been about you and never about me? Why do I deserve this? What did I do?" Gaara finished miserably.
"I'm sorry," Neji said quietly.
"Enough with that!" Gaara exclaimed. "Stop being sorry. It's useless. What does that do for me? What does your apology do to stop this ache that I feel, this hurt? Yeah. I hurt, Neji. I hurt a lot. I hurt every time I look at you, every time you smile at me, every time I think that smile should be just for me, every time you brush my skin, every time I think that little touch was orchestrated just for me, every I hear your voice, and every time I think that you should speak just for me. I hurt every single day of my life just because I'm in love with you. I hurt so much, Neji." Gaara stopped the fluctuation in his voice and the few tears that fought to fall. He did not fight the emotion in his eyes though. He let it burn fiercely. He let it scorch Neji like an open flame. It was time for Neji to see him like this, to see what he had done to Gaara. "I hurt so much," Gaara added in a whisper, "but you've never known. You've never seen." Neji tried to reach for Gaara again, but Gaara pulled away. "Don't touch me," he said.
"I... I've never... known," Neji said slowly, vacantly.
"Of course not," Gaara replied, trying to sound spiteful but failing. Those words were like a knife. It was an admission that Gaara had never wanted to hear. It wasn't that Neji had never known. It was that he could never have been bothered to know. That brought more tears to Gaara's eyes, and so he turned away and hid them, not letting them fall.
Neji sighed. "That was a lie," he admitted. "I don't know why I'm lying to you." He turned to stare up at the ceiling. "You deserve so much more than this," he whispered, his voice trembling.
"But I want you," was Gaara quiet, dismal reply, "like a moron."
"I've always known, Gaara. I've always seen," Neji said.
Gaara wanted to tell Neji to stop. He would rather Neji have been ignorant.
"I've always felt that connection between us," Neji went on, "but I was selfish. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted to do what I wanted, and you were so good at hiding everything that it was so easy for me to forget that you could get hurt too, that I was already hurting you. It was easy to pretend that you didn't mind because you were always pretending that you didn't, even if I knew otherwise."
So that was it. Neji had always been aware. He had just never cared. Gaara wished for ignorance now.
"I just didn't want to feel guilty," Neji continued, "but you have to know that my smiles are yours. They are just for you. All of those insignificant brushes were more significant than I ever cared to admit. I actually think that I was given a voice just to speak to you, Gaara. Maybe that's all I was ever meant to do." Gaara peeked up at Neji, who continued to stare at the ceiling. "I don't think I should be allowed to do that though because you've always been standing right in front me and showing me, even if you weren't telling me. You think that I should have seen and that I should have known, but I did. I saw. I knew. That is why you deserve better." Gaara sat more upright in order to gaze at Neji's face, which was riddled with shame. "You deserve someone who will put you first, someone who won't love you only in the shadows of his own mind."
"Love me?" Gaara asked skeptically.
Neji nodded his head. "Love you," he reassured.
"Don't say shit just to please me," Gaara warned uncertainly. How had this gone from Gaara confessing, to Neji admitting to being a shitty friend, and then to Neji confessing too?
"I would never," Neji replied very seriously. He glanced at Gaara for a moment before looking back up at the ceiling. He shifted uncomfortably. He had never even admitted these things to himself, so it felt strange to him too. This was the moment though. It was finally here. He was going to get over Sasuke for good. He was moving on. The grief was just a distant memory now. This was all that he ever needed to do. This was all it would take. He just had to come to terms with himself, with Gaara. Why had he put this off for so long?
"I could never replace what Sasuke and I had," Neji said. He went on quickly when he saw Gaara's face fall out of the corner of his eye, "Maybe I don't need to replace him, though, because maybe I was never really with him to begin with. Maybe he was the real replacement all along," Neji said tentatively, testing out uncharted territory and glancing compulsively between Gaara and the ceiling. When Gaara peeked up at him, he stared resolutely at the ceiling again. "Sasuke was just what I settled for because that was easy... easier than you at least," Neji went on uncertainly. "I guess I had to lose Sasuke indefinitely to see that what I really wanted wasn't him at all and that it never was. All along, what I needed to do was simple. It was easy. It was so natural. Yet, I've always been afraid of it."
The words starting coming to him more easily now that he was in thick of his confession. They felt right, as if this was how it was always meant to be. "I was always running away from the truth because the truth was scary and because I was selfish. I was never blind or ignorant. I wish I was because then I wouldn't be so much of an asshole, but I was just stupid. I must have decided years ago that you were all life would ever really amount to. You were all I would ever be." He found his courage and met Gaara's eyes. Even if he didn't deserve this man, even if his words would amount to nothing, Neji wanted to look into those eyes and admit what was in his heart for once. "I really messed up, Gaara, but maybe you'll forgive me. Maybe you'll forgive me because you love me and because I love you too. You've never been chasing Sasuke. He's always been chasing you. You've been the man I've wanted, the man I've needed. Sasuke was just the man I put in your place because there was nothing scary about him and I. We were simple because there was really no depth at all."
Gaara searched Neji's eyes for any indication of a lie, but he found nothing of the sort. They were unwavering. They were honest. "You're scared of me?" he finally asked.
Neji shook his head no. "Scared of myself, really. Scared of how monumental you and I could be. Scared that I wouldn't be enough for you. I was scared that you deserved better than me, and now I've made sure that you do. You shouldn't forgive me. You should stop loving me. That's what you need."
"And what about you?" Gaara asked. "What do you need?"
Neji shook his head and smiled sadly. "You've been catering to my needs for far too long."
"Tell me," Gaara insisted. "Tell me what you will do when I am finally gone from your life."
Neji sighed and looked up at the ceiling again. "I will... be, I suppose. I'll just exist."
"Alone?" Gaara asked.
"I'll have no other," Neji answered automatically. "What I need, Gaara," Neji went on, looking back at his friend, "is you. What I need is the love that I have spent so long turning away. I need everything that you are. I don't deserve what I need though, not after everything that I've done. You have the right to deny that to me. You have the right to disregard my needs. I can't ask you to give yourself to someone as low as me. I can't ask you to stoop down to my level."
Slowly, Gaara reached over and took Neji's hand. "We all make mistakes," he said quietly, "and sometimes we cause those that we love to suffer." Gaara took a deep breath. "If I was to be with you, Neji, I would not be stooping. I would be rising. You and I, we both lacked courage. Maybe if I hadn't been so insecure myself, I could have told you and I could have won you over fairly. You never stopped, but I never asked," he finished quietly.
"I'm so glad that I can be honest for once," Neji said, "and I'm glad that you've been honest too... but you're still hiding your tears from me." Gaara dropped his head low. "I may be the cause, but maybe I can be the remedy too," Neji suggested. Gaara tried to still his trembling shoulders. He did not want to cry, but he did not know how to do otherwise. Was it time? Were they back to that place where he could he trust Neji with his tears again? After all, everything was in his hands now. Neji had just confessed to him. Neji had admitted his wrongs. Neji was that one waiting now, waiting for Gaara's acceptance. He was seeking forgiveness and love. Would Gaara give it to him?
Neji shifted so that he could use his other hand to touch Gaara's face. It was a beautiful thing when Gaara leaned into the touch instead of away. After everything, Neji felt repulsive, but Gaara did not shy away. "I would never want to see tears clouding up your beautiful eyes," Neji whispered, lifting Gaara's face until their eyes met again, "but it hurts me more to see you holding back. It hurts more to know that I've forced that upon you." Gaara's eyes filled to the brim with tears, but would they fall? Could they fall? "All I've ever wanted to do was love you, Gaara," Neji went on. "I just never knew how."
They stared at each other in silence for a short while, saying multitudes with just their eyes. Gaara judged his own capacity for love. Could he still love this man after everything that had been said here this night? Could he still offer himself to Neji as wholly as before? Had his heart wavered?
"If I could freeze any moment in time," Gaara began softly.
No.
"—then this would be it."
His heart had not wavered. It could not.
"I would hold onto this for the rest of eternity."
Because he was in love.
"Just the touch of your hand and the knowledge that you love me,"
He was madly in love with this man. He always had been.
"—that would be all that I need."
And these tears that could finally fall again were, like so many other things in Gaara's life, entrusted solely to Neji. They always would be.
"You would be all that I need,"
And if Neji would finally have him...
"—because I love you."
Then he would have Neji too.
It was Neji's intent to return the sentiment, but his voice was drowned in his own tears. After such a long time of dancing around the truth, things were finally as they should be. Despite Neji's deliberate wrong-doings, Gaara still loved him. Gaara did not turn away from him, not even in his ugliest hour. When Neji deserved him least, Gaara loved him most. It was a feeling of freedom and of relief. He was released from whatever deathly grip that Sasuke had been holding on him. He was just free, free to feel the love that had been caged inside of him, free to express it. Yes, he needed to express it. He needed to shout, to cry, to scream it through the corridors. He would have settled for even a whisper, but his voice was choked. He could not speak. He could do no more than whimper against Gaara's chest when he climbed into bed next to Neji.
There was a mutual understanding though. Gaara knew that these were tears that Neji had not cried in a very long time. They were not tears of sadness. These were tears of joy, of liberation. These were tears of solidarity, tears that sealed their hearts together. This was the moment that everything changed, and it needed no explaining because it was as clear as day to them both. Neji did not need to strain. It was known. He had said all that needed to be said. Gaara needed to hear no more because he could feel it all in his heart. It was so simple, so plain.
"I know," Gaara said softly as he pulled Neji closer to his chest, reveling in how perfectly right that it felt. "I already know."
A/N: I don't want to get into detail. Let's just accept the fact that Naruto, Sasuke, and Haku are off fighting some war, somewhere, in some time, for some reason. I'm not getting fancy. Also, there is a link to a layout for their apartment in the links section on my main profile page.
Also, I'm giving this fic a song! It is Fix You by Coldplay :) It pretty much goes from each to the other in their own ways.
