Sudden change1
I never had a bad life, in fact I was quite lucky; I have both my parents and they both love me, we didn't have a lot of money but we didn't struggle, not that I knew of anyway. I've just always felt empty and incomplete. I don't know if I was a happy kid. If I was I can't remember. If I was it all changed the day my granddad died. The most I do remember is the knowledge that life is pointless; weather I came to that conclusion before or after I don't know. I do know that everything changed that day.
I remember the day he died quite vividly, the end of August, I was ten, two weeks after my birthday no less. It was the first time I had really cried. He had been in and out of hospital for years. Shit I barely remember a time when he didn't look frail and old. That's probably why I never want to get old. He had cancer, lung cancer. His lung collapsed twice. My mum wouldn't let either me or my older sister see him just before he died. She was trying to protect us and didn't think we would understand all the tubes sticking out of him. She didn't think I would understand the concept of death. I did. You can't spend years of you 'innocent' childhood watching someone you care about wither away and die before your eyes. I understood perfectly. The funeral was on a Thursday, not that it mattered; it just stuck out in my mind. My mom wouldn't even let us wear black; she made me wear yellow, yellow, the happiest fucking colour there is. It's no wonder I can't stand it now.
Some time before the funeral, I don't know when exactly, mum came up to me and said "People will be crying." Like I was an idiot kid who didn't know what was going on. She doubted me. I hated being spoken to like an idiot; I was far from being stupid. I understood more than anyone should have, still do. I understood how pointless existence is and that there is no meaning to it all. I understood that nothing mattered at all. I saw the bigger picture. And that's when thing started to go downhill
