AUTHOR'S NOTE: ****EDIT****These aren't going to be completely in order. Takes place during ME2, somewhere after the entire team has been collected and BEFORE the Collector trap has been sprung.
For her, it started on a night when they were all together, trading stories.
Shepard only brought a two man team with her on every mission. As time went on, she tended to bring the same people, unless the mission required someone with specific skill sets or attachments. Most of the crew only knew what happened in the aftermath and only if a member of the participating squad decided to divulge the details.
It led to a tradition of gathering together during rare moments of free time and trading information. At first, most of their get-togethers were purely accidental. They would stumble into the common areas and find themselves, miraculously, not alone. It was only natural that they would start to plan their meetings. Someone would mention an opportunity for recreation in their schedule, and another would agree to make time.
The word traveled up the chain, until Garrus was asking Shepard if she could spare any free time on their way to the next system.
She had agreed, mostly because she was exhausted. Spending a night with her friend instead of bent over reports or the galaxy map sounded wonderful. Garrus had been dodging her for weeks, always shirking her inquiries and fiddling with the main gun. She knew the damn thing was calibrated just fine; if he tweaked it any further he would be breaking the laws of physics. He was searching for Sidonis and she didn't understand why he wouldn't let her help him. It made her sad and angry and all she wanted to do was talk to her friend.
She wasn't expecting to walk into the Mess area and find half the crew.
Really, she should have known. She had noticed that large groups of her personnel were suddenly disappearing all at once. It didn't bother her. If they were bonding, then it would make everything they had to do so much easier. She had been so afraid that the vast differences in allegiances would tear them apart beneath her. But their common tragedy of losing loved ones to the Collectors, though heartbreaking, seemed to be drawing them together.
It was a relief.
And a bit lonely.
She had not been quiet about her distrust of Cerberus. She had certainly not hidden her fury about being forced to work with them after Kaidan's rejection on Horizon. Shepard often stared at the symbols on every pair of black and white shirts in her bureau and considered ripping them off.
The crew didn't seem to resent her for her distrust. She had made a point to meet with each of them and, as individuals, she had found them to be reasonable people with similar goals: defeat the Collectors. They had that in common, and that was as far as she wanted to pursue it. For now.
Rather, it seemed the crew was keeping their distance. Shepard was a busy woman with heavy burdens. They didn't think to trouble her with their casual banter and shared stories. Many of them had their own troubles: loose ends that needed tying before they breached the Omega 4 Relay. It kept them all a little...distracted.
So, when she stepped off the elevator and rounded the corner in her sweat pants and a tank top, everything went a little quiet. Everyone was there. Samara had drawn herself from her meditations and was perched elegantly at the larger of the two tables. Garrus sat on the tabletop closest to her, leaning over Tali in the seat. Jack was lounging on the stairs to the main battery, trying to piss off Miranda who was sulking with a wine glass in her hand. Jacob and Grunt were in the middle of an arm wrestling match in the kitchen area, surrounded by eager gamblers.
She could see Mordin and Dr. Chawkwas across the room, the older woman never hovering too far from the Med Bay. Thane, though one of the newest addition to her glass menagerie of squad mates, had drawn himself out of the shadows as well. She didn't see Zaeed or Kasumi, but she knew that didn't mean they weren't there. Even Joker was sitting at one of the tables, beside the two odd little engineers Cerberus had given her.
And of course, EDI was everywhere.
She heard Garrus hold back a snort of laughter behind his fist and her face went red. It had been a long time since anyone had ever made her blush and Shepard panicked.
"Uhm. May I...come in?"
Garrus's laughter was so surprising that everyone jumped. He fell off his perch on the table and was pushed aside by Tali. Laughter from everyone else quickly followed suit.
For a heartbreaking second she felt she might have just lost the respect of everyone under her command. She had never had to deal with this before. People rarely every disrespected her. The people who had, usually wound up dead.
But there were people, some of whom she wasn't even sure she knew, coming toward her with smiles on their faces and open arms. They welcomed her into the wider circle, and everyone wanted to talk to her. Questions came at her like gunfire, rapid in succession and piercing. She wasn't used to socializing. Her work had always consumed her focus. It was the reason she was so good- so sought after.
She knew how to talk to people one-on-one. She understood the rules of a civil conversation. But there were so many of them and she was quickly confused.
Garrus, as always, came to her rescue.
"All right, give the woman a second to breathe you pyjacks," he intoned loudly. His hand on her lower back made her face flush, and she felt that panic tightening her chest again.
Two-for-two, Vakarian, she thought angrily, and then wondered- why?
He led her to the center table with Joker. She was easily accessible- from a distance. Even with all her talent for battle, she could never pick a good vantage point like he could.
"Hey Shepard, you've got good timing."
Joker's was the first friendly voice she was grateful to hear. Bantering with Joker was easy- he did all the heavy lifting for you. Which was ironic, really.
"Oh yeah? How do you figure that," she said a little sullenly. She had a feeling there was going to be a joke at her expense, after this.
"Garrus and Thane were just telling us about your assault on the Dantius Towers," he said, grinning. Except, the way he said it made her sound like an ancient warrior storming a castle, instead of a three man team infiltrating a building. "Jack has been accusing Garrus of gross exaggeration, care to clear that up for us? Of course you could always go join the betting pool against Jacob back there."
He gestured behind him, where Grunt was smashing Jacob's fist into the kitchen counter. Shepard winced in sympathy.
"I think an opportunity to deflate the turian's ego sounds much better," she said, smirking sidelong at Garrus beside her.
"Take your best shot," he teased.
Challenge accepted, she thought.
"All right, where did you leave off?"
"My favorite part, actually," Garrus replied. "The merc by the window."
Shepard put her palm over her face as soon as she saw the expression on Joker's.
"What?" he asked, grinning from ear to ear. "That sounds like the title of a bad vid. Do tell."
Shepard held up a hand.
"It's not as bad as it sounds-,"
"No, it's better," Garrus interrupted.
"We came out of the elevators and there was one Eclipse Merc-,"
"He was so distracted by his phone call that he let us walk right up on him. By the time he realized we were there, we had him trapped between us and a very long way down," Garrus interjected again. Shepard glared at him.
"Are you going to let me tell it or not?"
There were a few chuckles around the room as the turian scratched his neck a little bashfully and gestured for her to continue. But now that she had been given the floor, she was a little uncertain of what to say. She was used to recounting these events scientifically; typing up the facts and presenting them in ordered reports. She suspected that in this context, that might come off a little cold.
"Well, uhm, I asked him where the- uh, where Thane was. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. So I...pushed him out the window," she said, shrugging. Someone handed her a drink and she took it. When she took a sip, she was a little surprised to realize it was alcoholic.
Joker was staring at her with his mouth open.
"Wow you are terrible at telling stories," he said.
She glowered at him.
"What? That's what happened," she said defensively.
"Why did you push him out the window, Commander?" A soft voice said from off to the side.
Shepard glanced up and found Kelly Chambers watching her, a little sadly. She hadn't really decided how she felt about the Yeoman. On the one hand, it was convenient to have a secretary. On the other hand, sometimes the yeoman's loving nature made the Commander wary.
She realized the others were waiting for an answer. Shepard shrugged.
"He wasn't going to tell me anything because he didn't know anything. I wasn't about to let him run back and warn his friends but a firefight would have drawn unnecessary attention. The window was the most efficient means of solving the problem."
"If you knew you were going to kill him, why bother exchanging words at all?
Chambers had her there.
"False sense of security? If he believed I needed something from him, he was more likely to put his guard down."
The yeoman didn't look convinced and Shepard began to get irritated. She wasn't accustomed to being questioned.
"I got fed up with the conversation and he wasn't worth wasting bullets on. Pushing him off was more convenient."
"Killing a man for convenience? That's cold, Shepard," Jacob said from her other side. He was leaning against the wall that separated the two dining tables and rubbing his shoulder.
"Look," she said, her tone carefully neutral, "if you two have a problem with the way I run things, you're free to leave at the next port. This mission is too important to have people with doubts on my team."
Kelly held up her hands, a gesture of surrender.
"Not at all Commander. I just think it's sad that someone who seems to care so much about her crew has to be so ruthless."
Shepard kept her face relaxed, and lifted a shoulder indifferently. That word had dogged her career since Torfan. She knew she could be cold and calculating in moments of violence. She knew that death affected her less than it did other people. She also knew that, that facet of her personality often separated her from the billions of other people who speckled the galaxy with life. It was hard to relate to someone who could not comprehend death as a means to an end the way that she could.
She tried not to let it make her uncomfortable, but her brutality wasn't always something she was proud of. Like now.
The conversation had moved on without her. Joker quickly filled the silence before it could become awkward and she was vaguely aware of the banter that whizzed over her head. She brought her glass to her lips and drank deeply, a little grateful for the buzz. Miranda had once criticized her for drinking too often. Shepard had politely told her to shove it up her perfect ass.
She was drawn out of her contemplation of her empty glass as Chambers sat down in the chair to her left.
"I'm sorry if I offended you, Commander," she said quietly.
Shepard shrugged.
"Don't worry about it, Chambers," she replied evenly.
"If I may ask, what made you the way you are?"
Shepard glanced at her, a little surprised by the probing question. How was she even expected to answer that?
"It's what the job requires," she said uncertainly. She was suddenly wary of where the conversation was heading.
"There's more than one way to do a job," Kelly countered gently.
She was aware that Garrus, always present at her right hand, was listening intently to the exchange. Shepard shifted uncomfortably under their combined scrutiny and was grateful that none of the others were paying much attention.
"I grew up on Earth," she said simply. "The slums were hard, I had to be harder."
Kelly smiled knowingly, as if she could see something in the Commander's face that she hadn't intended to reveal.
"You question everyone so thoroughly, I'm surprised at how guarded you are when the tables are turned," she said, her voice kind.
"I don't often talk about my past," she murmured, and wished she had another drink in hand.
She had only talked about her past with a few people, and only briefly. Ashley and Kaidan had both been privy to her childless upbringing, but even they had only been given the facts. Anyone else who knew anything about her was either dead, or high enough in the chain of command to read her file. Her past had been compressed into a list of events that had no meaning. Orphan, Earthborn, Butcher, Spectre and Hero. What did it matter how things had unfolded into the present?
"Wasn't there anyone to protect you from the cruelties of the world around you?"
Kelly's voice was mournful and Shepard grimaced under the burden of her pity.
"No," she said shortly.
Garrus, ever attuned to the Commander's needs, called for Rupert to bring another round of drinks. Shepard glanced at him, a grateful smile pulling at her cheeks.
Kelly seemed to sense that the subject was closed, and turned toward Thane on her other side. Shepard often found it curious that Cerberus could employ someone who seemed so fascinated by the other races of the galaxy. She had always assumed that anyone who worked for Cerberus would be as prejudiced as the organization they served.
Garrus was leaning in close to speak into her ear, and Shepard felt herself blushing again as the distance between them disappeared.
"I'm sorry, Shepard. I didn't mean to ambush you with the entire crew," he said, his voice tinged with good humor.
Shepard did her best to hide her sudden discomfort. She had never felt uncomfortable around the turian before, and the flutter in her chest at the sound of his voice was frustratingly enigmatic. She didn't understand why her face kept changing colors whenever he came near her.
"A little forewarning would have been nice," she grumbled, crossing her bare arms over her chest. Despite her disgruntlement, she returned his smile easily.
He rubbed the back of his neck, sheepish.
"To be honest, Joker didn't give me much to go on when he asked me to invite you."
"Joker asked you to invite me?"
"Yeah," he shrugged uncertainly, "I got the feeling he expected you to refuse if anyone but me had asked."
"Good instincts," she said darkly.
"Don't tell me you're going to let a crowd make you nervous," he joked.
"I've never been very good at socializing," she grimaced, and finished her second drink.
She surprised herself, in the end. After her first two drinks, the casual conversing became easier. She was content to listen while the others recounted their various missions so far, each of them adding a colorful layer of perspective to events. The crew and her myriad of squad mates seemed enthusiastic to obtain her view of each story, as if hers was a piece that had been missing with each retelling. Eventually she relaxed enough to laugh openly at their jokes, and take part in the friendly ribbing that passed for camaraderie on the Normandy. Grunt challenged Jacob to a re-match, and when the Cerberus operative declined, Shepard quickly took up the bet. She won, which caused Garrus to break out a turian victory dance as he collected credits from the losing bettors. Surprisingly few of the crew members had believed she could beat a krogan with her bare hands.
For the most part, she hung back. She observed the way Samara, Kelly and Thane kept to themselves in quiet, intense conversation. Zaeed had appeared, seemingly out of no where, and was sipping a drink in silence beside Jack. The two of them had an ease about them that made Shepard believe they had found a mutual friendship in one another. Their companionable silence reminded her of her friendship with Garrus, and that heat returned unbidden to her cheeks.
Tali and the two Cerberus engineers were engaged in a heated, but friendly, debate that could easily be heard over the raucous drinking game that was unfolding at the smaller table. Shepard couldn't tell what the rules were, but it required a deck of cards. All she really knew was that the players, including Joker, were happily intoxicated.
Kasumi appeared as mysteriously as Zaeed, and managed to corner Jacob in the kitchen. Shepard wasn't sure what the conversation was, but Kasumi seemed tipsy and Jacob seemed nervous. She smiled when she realized that the master thief reminded her of Liara, back when the asari had been more open about her affections toward the Commander. Thinking of the newly instated Shadow Broker made her heart sink with loneliness, and Shepard tilted her head back to finish the rest of her third drink.
She realized, then, that everyone else was suitably occupied. She was alone. It had been an hour or two since she first arrived, and several people had wandered off toward their racks. Mordin and Dr. Chawkwas had long since disappeared into the med bay together. She imagined they were deep in conversation, discussing biological theory or some such. Miranda, always loyal to the regulations, left in a huff when Shepard indulged the crew by arm wrestling the krogan.
The alcohol in her system was enough to make the room tilt a little dizzily. Maybe now it would be safe for her to sneak off, unnoticed.
She had just pressed the button to call the elevator when he caught her.
"Did you really think you could slip by me that easily?"
Garrus leaned against the bulkhead, his arms crossed haughtily over his chest. He was smiling at her, at least she thought he was. In her current condition, she wasn't really sure.
"Don't you have something to calibrate?" she said a little viciously.
Garrus straightened, surprise clearly visible in his eyes.
"Shepard, if I did something-," he began.
"No. You didn't do anything," she said suddenly. She didn't want to do this. Not now.
Garrus wasn't deterred. He closed the distance between them and hesitated, before putting a hand on her arm. She was loathe to admit it, but she was grateful for the added support. The deck was rolling, as if their's was a ship at sea, instead of a spaceship carving a straight path through the void.
"Look, Shepard-," he paused, his eyes troubled. "I know I haven't really been...accessible lately. All of this must be difficult for you, and I want to be there for you. I do. I've just had...a lot on my mind."
She knew he was thinking of Sidonis and the death of his squad. She couldn't imagine the pain of losing her entire crew. Losing Ashley on Virmire had been hard enough. If anyone among them were ever revealed to be a traitor, she knew she would search the galaxy until she had their head mounted on her wall.
"I know," she said softly. She pulled her arm out of his grasp a little too quickly. The blush was creeping back into her face, camouflaged by the red flush of liquor that already colored her cheeks. How did he keep doing that?
"I..." he hesitated, and then snapped his mouth closed. He was staring at her intently, and she made a point to keep her focus on the elevator door. Why wasn't the damn thing here already?
He seemed to come to some decision, and she found herself forcibly turned around to face him. He put both of his heavy hands on her shoulders.
"I'm sorry," he said firmly.
Shepard raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"Garrus, you don't owe me an apology. I understand," she said. She was itching to get out of this situation and he could see it.
Since waking up in that Cerberus station, she often found herself wondering if she had died after all, and this mangled nightmare was nothing but a private circle of Hell for her torment. Before the attack on the SR1 and her subsequent death, she had had a crew full of people she trusted and cared about. She had people she could depend on. The world made sense.
Now, even the people she thought she knew had become strangers. Everyone kept telling her 'two years' and she wasn't sure what that really meant. Everything she had known and loved had been taken away or twisted. The Illusive Man played games that kept her guessing and everything at her disposal was provided by an organization she had learned to hate. All of her official ties had publicly disowned her, and all of her friends had disappeared or changed completely.
She didn't know who to trust and she didn't know what to believe.
Finding Garrus on Omega had filled her with so much relief, she had almost cried. It said something about the depth of her military bearing that she hadn't; not even when he was gasping wetly for air in a puddle of his own blood. She remembered the sound he had made as he choked on his own fluids, and shivered.
"Yes I do," he was saying. "It's my job to watch your back and I haven't been."
"We're all a little distracted," she said gently. "I know you've always got my six."
He shook his head.
Stubborn bastard, she thought.
"It's more than that. I'm your friend, Shepard. You should be able to talk to me if something is on your mind."
The elevator opened, and she took the opportunity to extricate herself from his grip and step inside.
"Of course," she said lightly. "That's what friends do."
"Shepard," he growled, frustration beginning to lower the tone of his voice. To her chagrin, he followed her onto the elevator and the door shut behind him. She was trapped.
"Why are you pushing me away?" he said stubbornly.
"I'm not, Garrus," she replied tiredly, rubbing the back of her hand against her forehead. Having him so close to her was making the air thick. The elevator was suddenly too small and she felt dizzy. When he hit the stop button, she nearly doubled over with dread.
"Bullshit," he said firmly.
She stared at him for a moment, surprised by the curse.
"Garrus, what do you want me to say?"
Her voice was tinged with desperation and she hated him for it. Why couldn't he just let her get away from this?
The question seemed to give him pause.
"I'm not really sure," he said honestly. "But I can tell that you're upset with me."
His voice was soft and wounded and Shepard felt her anger fading. She could see the sadness in his eyes and she realized that he was genuinely distressed.
She sighed, dragging her hand through her hair. It was so much shorter now. Miranda had explained that they kept it short while she was unconscious because it was more convenient. Feeling the blunt ends as they slid through her fingers only reminded her of how much things had changed, and her stomach twisted.
"I'm not...," she had to take a deep breath. Some emotion was pushing it's way up her throat and threatening to choke her on her words. "I can't be upset with you," she said, finally.
He only watched her patiently, confused.
"After what you've been through, I can't expect anything from you," she said softly. "No matter how much I might need it. It's my job to be strong."
Garrus was silent for a moment, considering her words. She didn't dare meet his eyes. These conversations had never been easy for her. Shepard was always willing to offer her shoulder to those who needed it- whether they needed something to lean on, or something to be hit with. But she wasn't so great at handling the situations where the tables were turned. It made her feel exposed, and her skin itched with discomfort.
Finally, the turian stepped toward her, bringing them barely centimeters apart. He took both her hands in his. Shepard felt her heart thundering in her chest. Her hands felt tiny compared to his and she could feel the strength in each of his digits. He was so close she could smell him. He smelled like gunfire and spices and something masculine that made her head spin.
They had never been this...intimate. On the original Normandy, Garrus had always seemed enthusiastic, even idealistic,- but professional. Their after hours conversations had always been a bit brief. If she traced the timeline of their friendship, she was forced to realize that most of their bonding had taken place on the battlefield. The turian's skill set uniquely complimented her own, and she had started bringing him with her on nearly every mission. He was always at her right hand, ready to press a heat sink into her palm before she even realized she was out. His humor in the face of life's ugly realities kept her spirits up, and his steadfast faith in her kept her strong.
But off the battlefield they had sometimes struggled with the dynamics of their friendship. Humans and turians were not expected to be friends, and they had spent a long time dancing around their affinity for each other. Neither one of them wanted to presume too much or become too familiar. It wasn't until she had found him on Omega that the barrier erected by the shared past of their species had finally crumbled. She was just so grateful to find a friendly face amidst all the broken chaos of her resurrected life. She suspected he felt the same.
She had sought him out, time and again, only to be bluntly turned away. She needed him so badly, and the needing grated on her soul. Despite the excuses she had made in his defense, she eventually stopped making the trek down to the Main Battery just to see him. Yeoman Chambers had been the one to tell her when Garrus found some lead on the turian Judas that haunted him. Shepard hadn't talked to him about it. Not yet.
"Not with me," he said softly. "You don't have to be strong with me."
Shepard swallowed, hard.
When she looked up to meet his eyes, she found them filled with some emotion she did not recognize. Or did not want to recognize.
"Okay," she said, surrendering. She leaned forward until her forehead was resting against his breastplate, her eyes falling closed. "But right now, I'm very tired."
She heard him chuckle. The vibration of his voice carried through his armor, and made her head hum.
"Fair enough, Commander. But promise me one thing."
She raised her head to look at him, squinting around her exhaustion.
"Anything," she said, her voice beginning to slur with sleep and liquor.
"You'll tell me, from now on, if you need me?"
She observed the kindness in his face; the open, obvious trust he had in her. In that moment, she realized that she loved everything about him.
"On one condition," she murmured in reply.
"Anything," he said, reverently.
"Let me lean on you until we get to my cabin because I am drunk."
Her head thumped audibly onto his chest and he laughed so hard, she could feel his shoulders shaking.
"I think I can do that," he murmured.
He let go of her hands and wrapped an arm around her shoulders instead. She leaned against him gratefully. Her exhaustion and the alcohol were quickly catching up to her. The edges of the world were beginning to blur. She hardly noticed when he pressed the button and got the elevator moving again.
Their silence was comfortable. The elevator hummed softly around them. Shepard imagined she could feel him grip her a little tighter, just before the door rolled open again. She wouldn't let him help her to her door, but he followed after her anyways.
"Shepard," he said, before she could retreat into the safety of her cabin.
"Hm?"
"Could you...come see me, tomorrow? There's something that I should've- that I need to talk to you about."
For a moment, she only regarded him shrewdly. If she could have seen her own face, she would have compared her expression to the one the nuns at the orphanage used to give her when they caught her in a lie. She already knew what he wanted to talk to her about.
"Judas," she said fuzzily.
"What?"
"Never mind. Yeah, I can stop by the Main Battery tomorrow."
He seemed genuinely happy to hear her say it. It made her smile to see him happy. He had been miserable for so long.
He had already bid her good night and stepped back into the elevator when something occurred to her.
"Garrus," she said sharply.
He held his hand in the elevator door to keep it from closing.
"Yes, Shepard?"
"If you say anything to me about 'Calibrations', ever again, I will beat you to death with your own rifle," she said. "Are we clear?"
"Crystal, Commander."
As the elevator closed, she felt for sure that the turian was grinning at her.
