Harley Quinn opened her eyes lazily, sitting up and stretching. She looked around and immediately panicked. "Mr. J!" she hissed, roughly shaking his sleeping form next to her. "Mr. J, wake up!"
"Oh, what is it now?" he demanded, rolling over. "Can't I get a decent night's sleep for once…"
But he stopped talking when he realized they weren't in bed anymore. They were lying on grass in a shady grove, although the trees around them were unlike any trees he had ever seen before. The bark was a pale blue color, and the leaves a strange orange. He sat up slowly.
"Mr. J, I don't think we're in Gotham anymore," muttered Harley.
Joker laughed. "No, we ain't, Dorothy! And there's the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Reptile!" he chuckled, pointing to Jonathan Crane, Mr. Freeze, and Killer Croc, lying around the grove and slowly getting to their feet. "I guess we better follow the Yellow Brick Road to go see the Wizard in the Emerald City, huh, guys?"
"I'm not a cowardly reptile," muttered Croc, rubbing his head.
"Oh, learn to take a joke, you humorless waste of shoe material!" snapped Joker, standing up and dusting himself off.
Freeze began scanning the area with his suit. "This terrain is unfamiliar to me," he muttered. "The flora and fauna is unrecognized by my scanners."
"And there appear to be two suns in the sky," said Crane, looking up. "Wherever we are, it's not Earth."
"How could we have left Earth?" asked Harley, puzzled. "Last thing I remember is going to sleep."
"I smell a superhero," muttered Joker.
"Where?" asked Croc, jumping back and looking nervously around him.
"Metaphorically, you idiot," retorted Joker. "And don't tell me you're not the Cowardly Reptile."
"Does that make you a flying monkey, J?" asked a voice, as Poison Ivy appeared out of the surrounding forest.
"Red!" exclaimed Harley, rushing to hug her. "You're here too!"
"Everyone is," said Ivy, hugging her in return. "There's a clearing not far from here – the others are there with a bunch of supplies and a TV."
"What's on the TV?" asked Joker.
"Superman," retorted Ivy.
Joker made a face. "I hate that show," he muttered as they followed Ivy into the clearing, where Scarface, Clayface, the Riddler, the Mad Hatter, and Two-Face awaited them.
"Well, now that you've all arrived, I'd like to welcome you, former residents of Arkham Asylum, to your new home on Planet Arkham," said Superman from the screen. "This is a paradise, untouched by human hands, and it is all yours."
The uproar was defeaning. "You can't send us off Earth without a trial! That's not fair!"
"We can't survive in the wilderness!"
"The babies! We can't leave the babies!" shrieked Harley, clutching Joker's arm tightly.
"Yeah, this ain't justice, Flyboy!" shouted Joker.
"Justice is precisely what it is," said Superman, nodding. "Each of you has wanted nothing more than to give free rein to your personas. And at last you will be able to. You will rule a world of your very own, you will be able to do what you want to do without interference from the law or the Justice League. Explain how this isn't exactly what you've always desired."
"Well, the doing what you want is no fun if no one gets hurt," retorted Joker. "How can you even do a slapstick routine without violence? It's just not possible."
"Hopefully you will all manage to coexist peacefully," continued Superman. "And if that is the case, in a few years, you may be allowed to return to Earth. If you do not wish to rehabilitate, you will remain in paradise on Planet Arkham. Everyone wins."
"You can't just send us to an alien planet without respect for due process!" growled Two-Face. "What about the courts? Throwing a bunch of lunatics out to survive in the wild is utterly inhumane!"
"The Justice League has ruled that it is not," retorted Superman.
"And who voted for you bunch of tight-wearing, super-powered freaks?" demanded Two-Face. "The law says…"
"You have all shown blatant disregard for the law time and again," interrupted Superman. "If you abuse something, you cannot expect it to protect you."
"That's a loada crap!" retorted Joker. "I abuse Harley constantly and she always jumps to my defense!"
"Yeah, the law's like Harley!" shouted Two-Face. "Blind!"
"Hey!" yelled Harley.
"I mean it's blind to circumstance," growled Two-Face. "Everyone is equal under it."
"Do you believe yourselves to be equal to Gotham's petty criminals?" asked Superman. "The thieves and the muggers and the hustlers?"
"Hell, no!" shouted Joker. "We've got more class, and we're better dressers. Except Croc – he's basically a hobo."
"So why do you expect equal treatment under the law?" asked Superman.
"Because that's the way the law works, you alien freak!" shouted Two-Face.
"The Justice League exists as superheroes to tackle the problem of supercriminals," retorted Superman. "We are above the law. So are you."
"No one is above the law!" shouted Two-Face. "You respect it, and you work with it, or you're a pretty sorry excuse for a hero!"
"I told Batman, and I'll tell you," said Superman. "I'm no hero. I'm just doing what is right."
"I wanna speak to Bats!" shouted Joker, shoving his way forward. "There's no way he'd authorize any of this!"
"Batman has agreed to abide by the decision of the Justice League," said Superman. "I suggest you all do the same, because there is no way off this planet without our permission. But we have left you your usual array of weapons and costumes, so you'll have plenty of tools with which to build shelters and hunt food. Plus the planet is rich in edible fruit and vegetation which you can consume…"
"Not with Pammie on her guard, we can't," chuckled Joker.
"You will not be able to contact us from now on, so if you have any final questions, please ask them now," said Superman.
"What if there's an emergency?" asked Joker, his hand shooting up. "Like if I accidentally stab Eddie Nygma in the face? Are you guys just gonna let him die here?"
"In the event of an emergency, we will evacuate the necessary parties," said Superman. "You will be monitored regularly to ensure your safety."
"Gee, thanks, Big Brother," retorted Joker.
"Joker, can you still stab me, but in someplace less lethal so I can go home?" asked Nygma.
"Nah, no dice, I'm afraid, Eddie," retorted Joker. "Ask one of your nerd friends to do it."
"This situation places all of us in a survival of the fittest type scenario," spoke up Jonathan Crane. "Some of us are in no way the fittest. You're condemning the intellectually superior yet physically inferior to death."
"On the contrary, Professor Crane, we are hoping you will be able to use your superior intellect to lead the way in terms of civilization," said Superman.
"But brute force does not respect the authority of the intellectually superior!" retorted Crane.
"Ya got that right, nerd!" snapped Joker, shoving him outta the way. "I'm not taking orders from some brainy freak!"
"What about Nora?" demanded Freeze, stepping forward. "I will not be parted from her!"
"Nor I from Alice!" shouted Tetch. "Some of us have people on Earth we care about!"
"And you will not be separated for long, providing you prove yourself," said Superman. "Mr. Freeze, Nora is safe. And Mr. Tetch, unless I am very much mistaken, Alice is married now, and no concern of yours. Now if that will be all…"
"You gotta feed the babies!" shrieked Harley, pushing herself forward. "They're tied up in front of our place!"
"Yes, they've already been taken to a zoo," said Superman. "Any other questions?"
"A zoo?!" shrieked Harley. "They're my babies! You can't put them in cages and let people stare at them! They need cuddles and affection!"
"And who's going to water my plants?" demanded Ivy.
"I assure all of you, you do not need to worry about what you left behind on Earth," said Superman. "Why don't you look ahead to the future, and start building your new lives in this new world? I wish you every success in your endeavors. Goodbye."
Superman shut off the communicator, cutting off the shouts of the inmates. "I don't know why Bruce is always complaining about them," he said to himself. "They seem perfectly reasonable. I'm sure they'll do just fine on their own. Just fine."
