The Mass Effect universe and its characters belong to Bioware, though Kaylin is my take on Shepard.


"Going Under" by Evanescence

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me, going under

Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom

I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head

So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm

So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under

I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under
Going under, I'm going under


Kaylin rocks back and forth, arms wrapped around her chest, tears streaming down her face, unable to catch her breath. Memories of Kaidan keep rising to taunt her wounded heart: his words of encouragement after their first mission, his shy compliments whenever they talked on the original Normandy, the stolen glances and "accidental" touches when they thought no one would notice, the night of passion before Ilos, the plans to find some tropical beach and wear each other thoroughly on shore leave. Then came Alchera: the attack, ordering him to get everyone off the ship, running to save Joker, the ship breaking apart, being blown out into space, fiery debris everywhere, the sudden realization all the air was venting, the burning in sensation in her chest as she struggles for one more breath, the heat leaching into an infinite cold as her mind slowly fades out on the image of the planet looming large in her vision, her last thoughts of how she would give anything to be in his arms…

God, why is it so very cold…


James makes his way from the mess hall to the elevator up to the commander's cabin; she'd said earlier that he could drop by for a talk and he needed her advice about joining N7. He presses the button, waiting, and then nearly gets mowed down by a visibly upset Major Alenko. What the hell's his problem? He watches the Major slam his fist into the door release for the observation deck then James shakes his head and steps into the lift.

As he exits onto the landing outside Shepard's cabin, he notices how quite it seems, nice perk for the commander. Just as he raises his hand to hit the intercom, he begins to make out the faint sounds of someone crying. Maybe Shepard's comforting someone; she always seems to be there for anyone in the crew who's having a problem. Better not disturb her. Turning on his heel, he starts to get back on the elevator when he stops dead, putting two and two together: rumor had it the Commander and Major had a past, the Major's clearly torqued about something, now there's someone sobbing in the Commander's room.

Fuck! That's Shepard. What the hell do I do now? …other than go kick Alenko's ass for hurting her. He rubs the back of his neck, pacing back and forth. Think, Vega. Who could comfort her without making her self-conscious for losing control? That sure as hell isn't you, no matter how much she let you in while you watched her before the trial. He paces a bit more, brow furrowed as he runs through the list of her squad-mates, smacking his head as it finally comes to him: Esteban!

James hops in the lift and heads down to the hangar, praying Cortez is back from picking up the supplies on the Citadel he needed to restock the armory. As the doors open he looks around, "Yo, Esteban! Shepard needs to have a talk with you."

Steve looks up from shifting cargo containers, noting a hint of desperation in Vega's tone and the fact that he's opening and closing his hands repeatedly like he doesn't know what to do with them. "Over here. Help me get this stuff stowed and I'll go meet up with the Commander. If it's about the rifle scope, I told her it's back ordered and will hopefully arrive in a week."

"I'll get this all sorted out for you, Esteban," as James hurries over to Steve he drops his voice to a whisper, "Man, you need to go now. I think Shepard and Alenko had a fight and now it sounds like she's having a breakdown. Figured since she helped you with Robert, you might be the right person to help her through this."

An expression of concern briefly crossing his face before being schooled back into nonchalance, Steve puts down the crate of frag grenades in his hands. "Think you can handle things alone down here for a bit without blowing them up or wrecking another shuttle?"

"You take away all my fun, man." Vega forces a smile and waves Steve towards the lift before losing himself in the monotony of securing the cargo. Hope Esteban can get her turned around. The major better hope I don't see his scrawny ass; no one makes Lola cry.


Cortez exits onto the small platform outside the commander's cabin and listens. No crying, but the muffled sound of running water reaches his ears. He mutters under his breath, "Vega must be losing it," as he turns to go.

EDI announces over the comm, "Lieutenant Cortez, perhaps you can convince the Commander to come out of the shower before she burns herself any further. She has failed to listen to my advice that sitting fully clothed in scalding hot water is not the best way to warm her-self up."

Damn. He makes his way into her quarters and hits a wall of steam wafting from the bathroom. Peering through the veil, he sees her huddled in a ball on the floor, skin turning red as the water cascades over her. "EDI shut off the water to the showers here." His voice softens, concern written clearly on his face, "Commander Shepard…" No response as he kneels down to examine her. "Kaylin, look at me," lifting her chin shows him the thousand yard stare her gaze has become. He goes out to her dresser and grabs a pair of warm sweats; returning he stands her up with no resistance and begins to strip her out of her soaked garments, gently toweling her off, taking care with the skin abraded by the heat of the water. Like an exhausted child, he manages to get her into some dry clothes and lead her to the couch as the tremors he felt running through her begin to increase.

"Kaylin, you have to snap out of it." Tears trickle down her cheeks as he tries to make her eyes meet his, but her gaze is devoid of all recognition. Her lips move, repeating something over and over again that he has to strain to hear, "So cold." For a time he murmurs reassurances to her, chaffing her arms to try and help her feel warmer, wrapping her in a blanket, yet still she shivers and mutters her mantra, mind lost to some unknown specter.

Sighing, Steve finally decides to take a different tack: he slaps her across the face. Her mouth closes and her eyes blink, but still no signs she's really coming around. His hand strikes out again, but before he makes contact, she snares his wrist in a death-grip. Reason slowly returns to her gaze and she shakes her head as if to throw off bad dreams.

Voice raspy from crying, "Steve, what are you doing here? What's…" Her words trail off as dawning realization of what happened sets in. Examining the tender reddened skin of her hands, feeling the sting in her cheek where his slap left its mark, she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath in and out to collect herself. "Thanks. I needed that."

"You had me worried there, Shepard. I've never seen you so… lost… before. What happened?"

She draws her legs up to her chest, arms wrapped around them as she rests her chin on her knees. While her gaze loses focus again, she's clearly still present as she says, "Kaidan came to see me and I told him he was being reassigned. I told him I couldn't take his lack of trust in me anymore and that we were over. It… didn't go well." Eyes close as she sighs, "Apparently I wasn't ready for this. It felt like I was dying again watching him walk out the door, hearing him tell me he'd never stop loving me. The pain I caused him made me want to hurt myself and so I retreated into the memory of dying in the black of space, alone and cold and scared." She hides her face in her knees, murmuring, "Everyone I care about ends up hurt or dead while I somehow manage to walk away unscathed. Maybe it's time I felt some pain; it's what I deserve."

Hands on either side of her face, Steve lifts her head until he's staring fully into her eyes. His voice is gentle but firm, "Kaylin, no one deserves to be in pain, least of all you. I've never met anyone as strong and capable as you. It's why everyone seems to turn to you with their problems, expects you to be able to pull off the miracle, make everything right again, ease their pain. You take our pain on yourself and never complain, but I've never seen you go to someone when you're hurting; you bottle it up inside, don't you? You say you walk away unscathed while those around you suffer, but I think your heart and soul are covered in scars the rest of us just don't see. Don't forget you're human, too, and you've got friends who are there for you if you need a shoulder to cry on." Kaylin's breath catches in a sob as the tears begin to fall again. He gathers her into his arms and strokes her hair as she cries herself to sleep.


Gasping as the nightmare loses its grip, she realizes she's been neatly tucked into her bed and Cortez is groggily climbing off the couch to make sure she's all right. "You didn't have to stay, Steve; I know you have better things to do than watch me sleep." She blushes slightly and whispers, "Thanks though. The nightmares get bad sometimes and its a little better waking up with someone here. How long was I out?"

"Just a couple hours. You were exhausted and I thought someone should keep watch to make sure you weren't disturbed."

A small smile quirks the corner of her mouth, "I appreciate it, though what will the crew say about you spending hours up here alone with the commander?"

Chuckling and shaking his head, Cortez rises and stretches. "Anyone who knows us knows nothing's going on. Anyone who doesn't… sometimes listening in on the gossip that manages to make its way around the ship is amusing." His smile fades a bit, voice a little more serious, "You good, Shepard?"

"Yeah. Thanks again, Cortez. It's nice having a friend to count on. Please don't say anything about my little meltdown."

He strolls towards the door to her cabin, "Wouldn't dream of it. You might want to see Doctor Chakwas about those burns."

Just as he's leaving, Shepard calls out, "Hey, Steve! How did you know something was wrong?"

He turns and gives her an appraising look, "Vega saw Major Alenko leaving upset and thought maybe you could use a friend."

"He's not my friend?" She sounds puzzled and just a touch hurt.

"He thought maybe he wasn't the right man for the job. Looked like he wanted to go beat the daylights out of the major; maybe he thought that you needed someone who could be calmer about the whole thing."

She chews her lower lip distractedly, "Huh. Tell him thanks."

A small, knowing smile on his lips, Cortez walks out, "Will do, commander."


Author's note: Changing the rating for possible future chapters. Constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated. I hope I am managing to get the characters right.