Peeta P.O.V

I return to district 12 after the doctor finished another evaluation of me and declares that I am finally stable enough to return to my life. What life would that be I would like to ask him? My family is all dead, my dad, my mom, my brothers. All were killed when 12 was destroyed, by Snow, not by Katniss as I had been trained to think by the capitol. The game I played while with the star squad real or not real is one that now I really only play in my head. I have spent months in the capitol going through extensive therapy and it seems to have payed off. I still have episodes, the kind where I have to lock myself in a room and hope my screams are not heard by anyone until I am able to pull myself out of it. When I do have those episodes all I want to do is kill her, I have the highjacked visions, wave upon, wave. There she is with Gale in a loving embrace telling him how she never loved me all she ever wanted was him, another of her blowing up my families bakery with my family in it just so I will finally leave her alone. The worst of all the visions is the one where she is coming towards me turning into a mutt and telling me how much she has always hated me. As she transforms she tells me how no one could ever love a cripple pathetic boy like me, she laughs at the thought of me confessing my love to her. She explains why she did and said the things she did in the area. It was all so she could come back to people who mattered to her, people with value. My life did not matter no one cares for me, I have no value. She has this sickening laugh as she is transforming it rings in my ears through the whole episode.

I am finally able to pull myself out of those episodes by thinking back to the times with her that I knew where real, the ones that weren't for the cameras they were just for us. When the train stopped on the way to the second games when she agreed to be friends and took my hand. The nights on the train when we held each other to keep away the horrors that were sure to engulf us. In the second arena when I died and came back to life, the look of sheer pain and agony in her eyes when she thought I had died cannot be something she could have faked. She is bad at lying and acting. The kiss on the beach, the one that had never happen before or happened since. That kiss betrayed her; it showed me what she really felt for me, the need, the wanting, and the desire.

Coming back to 12 only made sense. I know I love her, but I meant what I said when I told her she was a piece of work and that I really saw her for who she was. I don't like her I have discovered. Through all the therapy and re-watching of the games, as part of my therapy to help distinguish the real from not real memories from the games I see how she acts. Her actions where different from what I had imagined, I knew she didn't love me but I thought she may at least like me. She was concerned about her survival and her survival only, as was I. I was the selfless one she was the selfish one. I was okay with that, but what she did in the cave, that's what, got me. She was never a good actor but she fooled me there. Every kiss, every touch I thought was genuine. I guess that happens when you have been infatuated with someone for so long the hope that they may one day like you in return clouds your judgment. I don't think it's okay to play with someone's emotions like that; she did over and over again with no remorse. She was trying to survive I get it, but a least let me know if you are starting to feel anything for me at all. I don't like the feeling of confusion and she confuses me. I love her, but who she is as a person I don't like. I admire her tenacity, her ability to show strength even though she is weak, the way she acts towards those she loves, I got those acts a few times but I don't know what they meant when she was doing them to me. The way she cared for her sister, that love was so pure and unconditional. I was a little jealous of it; I never had that with anyone, not even with my feeling towards her. I could have had that kind of love for her, I still could, but maybe too much has happened, we both have seen and know too much.

The only person who knows I am back in 12 is Haymitch. He picked me up from the train station and we walked backed to my home in victor's village. "Well boy, if you need he holler, I am drinking a little less so I don't pass out as much. If you need me I'll do what I can." With that he's off, a statement like that coming from Haymitch means a lot. I thought the only thing that matter to him was his liquor; I guess he cares about more than just that.

I walk into my house and it smells musty. It's been months since I or anyone else has been here. The first thing I do after dropping my bags off in my room is open the windows. It's a beautiful spring night so there is a gentle breeze coming in. I go to the kitchen, I really need to order some supplies, and I literally have nothing here. Tomorrow I will ask Haymitch how to get supplies, I am not sure if they are coming in from the capitol or if there is something set up in town, although, I don't know if I am ready to go into town yet. It's pretty late so I decide to just call it a night, I can unpack in the morning, I am supposed to take thing slow anyway, according to the doctor.

Sleep does not come easily, when is does the dream starts out pleasant enough; I am wandering around victor village and make my way towards town. People are walking around talking and going about their daily work. The day is bright and cheerful. I reach the center of town and turn to go towards my family's bakery. Out of nowhere Katniss appears I walk towards her to say hi, she turns and I see it instantly that look in her eye. She is turning into a mutt, she is growing claws, and has something in her hand. I can't tell what it is but as I look from her to the bakery my family now looking out the window I realize to late what it is. With that sickening laugh she lets the thing in her hand fly, it hits the bakery and immediately it bursts into flames. I see the faces of my dad and brother as they burn to death, I hear the agony in their voices as the scream for help. She just stands there laughing. I try to stop her it's no use she has me pinned in a second and is forcing me to watch my family burn to death. She says to me "this is only the beginning; you will suffer so much more." I scream "I will make you pay, I will kill you, you mutt, you capitol mutt, you are a monster."

That's when I feel the cold water hit me, I shoot up immediately, looking to kill her, she must still be here. I look and all I see is Haymitch. He has his knife drawn in protection, I change my stance and with that he relaxes. "I said holler if you need me, I didn't mean like that," said Haymitch. "Sorry" I say. I explain to him the dream I was having and he nods in understanding. "Listen it will never be easy, take it day by day. If that doesn't work you can always take up drinking. It works for me." Haymitch has a point; I can't stand the taste of the stuff though so I don't think that's g