Part II: What Made This Pain?

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or Private Practice.

A/N: Wow. I reread it and I think I'm mentally insane. (head turns all the way [add evil laugh here]) Well thank you for the review. So, nevermind of the two parts! It's going to be three. I just thought about it right now. Haha. So, this chapter is all about Addison and her suicide. Enjoy. (add evil laugh here)


Why are you standing here? Why are you clutching that old photo like it's a fucking life vest? It's because of Mark, isn't it? It's because of the dream that was shattered and you don't want to go on. You've taken too much pain.

But you still love him, don't you?

So why your standing on the Golden Gate Bridge when you could be in his arms, hugging you in a warm embrace?

Flashback, eleven weeks ago...

You can't seem to shake it. You thought that you had feelings for Sam. You do but it wasn't the feelings you had for Mark. You have for Mark. You talk to Mark after another mind-blowing session of sex.

"Ask me that question again," you ask, something in your voice indicating that you want him to stay. To stay with you. To miraculously make a baby with you. Two eggs is better than no eggs.

"I'm so sorry, Addie," Mark says to you in bed. He's going to back to that fucking Grey girl. That preschooler. But you don't feel anger in that moment. You feel sadness. You lie back down on your pillow, your feet facing somewhat to him. If he wasn't there, would you have cried until you had no more tears left to shed?

The next day, Mark is packing his stuff to go back to Seattle. He made coffee and breakfast. You forgot that he had amazing cooking skills under his exterior. You eat the pancakes. You say farewell to the man that made your life just a tiny bit brighter. And you ignore the pain that slices your heart in half.

A few weeks go by. You get five pregnancy tests, a blood test, and an ultrasound, you find out you're pregnant. You noticed the symptoms before hand. You had been throwing up and eating marshmallows with cheese. But you're ecstatic! You leap for joy! And you silently thank Mark.

You try to call him. But you can't. He's probably back with that Grey girl and he won't be able to rescue you right now. You take a chance. You dial the number and you hear his voice again.

"Addison?" he asks.

"Hey, Mark," you say. "I think you need to come down to L.A. Because..." You take a deep breath. "I'm pregnant, Mark." He says nothing and your worried as hell.

"You're pregnant?" he asks.

"Yes, I am, Mark." You're saying his name way too much, you notice. What do you think it means? He hangs up the phone. You're scared. What if he doesn't want to come? What if he can't rescue you now? You clutch your phone, crying, out of anger.

The next day, when you went into work, a man was waiting for in the lobby.

"Mark?" you ask him, his hair gray ever so slightly.

"Hey, Addison," he gets up and hugs you. You notice he does it gently. You smile. "Can I see the baby?" he whispers into your ear. Your smile grows wider.

"We're going to have to go to the hospital," you say. You go to the elevator and go down. On your way out, he holds your hand. He held it a few times back in New York and you noticed you missed the feeling.

You drive down to St. Ambrose. You get an ultrasound. You print out a picture for him. You joke and give the baby a nickname, Jellybean. You go back to the practice with him.

Mark insisted on you taking the day off to spend the day with him. You don't argue this time because you realized you missed spending time with him. You spend the day together, laughing and eating and enjoying each other. But something in the back of your mind says that this is wrong. You eat lunch with him in a cafe.

"What about Lexie?" you ask, actually saying her name instead of Grey or preschooler. You say her name because of sympathy, because you thought that you were going to steal her boyfriend right from under her.

"We're over. We were over before what happened two and a half months ago. Us making love," he says. You smile because he said, "making love." One of the times when he was here, it was gentle, oh so very gentle.

"Mark Sloan, saying making love. Hm..." you laugh. He laughs right with you. After the day, you're tired. He holds you while you sleep together.

"I love you," he whispers in your ear. You bite your lip and say it too.

"I love you, too." He kisses your red hair and says goodnight and you sleep peacefully.

The next day, he cooks pancakes. You eat together, Mark is filling you in on what has happened while you have been gone. Eight weeks doesn't seem so long but he tells you of things that seem surprising to you. The day you had told him you were pregnant, Callie had told him to move on and he had asked out Teddy, the new cardio God.

"You just gave me my wish, Addie. A family," he says. He kisses you goodbye and you drive him to the airport. He had taken a taxi to the practice and had no other vehicles. You drop him off and you he looks at you one last time before he goes inside.

It happens in an instant. You're driving down the freeway and you almost crash into the car in front of you. You hit the brakes and miraculously, you're baby is well. You hear a car speeding in the background, The car crashes into the back of your car with full force and your body crashes into the airbag. You felt that your world was shattering as a pain settled into your stomach. You closed your eyes and then open them again to see light and doctors and you're being wheeled into an O.R. You're vision becomes fuzzy and you fall asleep. And then you wake up in a hospital room and a doctor comes in.

He walks towards you says, "We did work on your stomach. Did you know that you were pregnant?"

You nod and say, "I'm ten weeks."

"I'm sorry but--" your tears cut him off from saying it. Your miracle is gone. He finishes his sentence anyway. "You miscarried. I'm very sorry." He turns around and leaves. You're in the hospital for a few days, they take out the baby, and then they send you off. You're distant from everyone. You don't talk to anyone for a few days. Then, a week after you miscarried, you take a taxi to the airport and you fly to San Francisco.

End of flashback...

You felt that you world had ended when your baby ended. It was a beautiful night in San Francisco. You let go of the picture you were holding. You lean against the rail and then climb it. You stand on it, your face towards the water. Then, you try to walk on it. You slipped and you fell into the water. You didn't really care. Your life had already ended, hadn't it?

But then you started regretting it. But it was too late. You were already falling. Before you landed in the water you screamed someone's name, the man you love. He had given you a ring when you talked that day at the cafe. You were going to say yes. And then, your world went black and you were unconscious.

"MARK!" The world is not still anymore. The police and ambulances try to rescue you but it was too late.

You had already died.


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