The great JE created the characters and universe below.
Jenny (JenRar) I'm still at a loss about how to thank you for working so hard as the beta on this story.
Chapter 2 – Confession is Good for the Soul
I heard the alert from my security panel that a car had just entered the gate at the edge of my property. Pulling myself up, I took a deep breath as I put my weight on my leg and felt the pain that accompanied the first few steps after resting it. I made it to the closed circuit display in time to see Tank getting out of the SUV and going to the back to pull out a bag that I hoped meant Steph was going to be staying for a while.
I couldn't see her, since she was on the opposite side of the vehicle as the camera, but my patience was rewarded when she stepped around the truck. Her mouth opened, and she pointed to the house, as though in shock. I hated that I couldn't hear what Tank was saying, but she looked at him and smiled.
Tank brought them through the first door and stopped at the inner control panel to buzz his way in. I limped over in time to see Stephanie's expression shift when she got her first look at my home.
Her eyes were open wide, and she was taking it all in at a breakneck speed. Her eyes stopped at the edge of the kitchen, and her brow furrowed for a minute. Obviously, something there had confused her, so I turned to see what it was and internally swore at my stupidity. Sitting on the bar was the bowl I'd used for my salad – the one with her name on it.
Tank moved around her and set the bag down, before coming over to speak to me. "Boss," he said with a nod. "One package, safely delivered."
Smartass. I lifted my chin to mean thank you.
He looked around quickly, before saying, "I can see I'm no longer needed here," and began to make his way back to the door. He turned back and told Steph, "You need anything, you give me a call, all right?"
She nodded, and he walked out the door, leaving us alone.
"Thanks for coming," I said, feeling like I needed to welcome her in some way.
"I couldn't pass up the chance to see where you really live," she replied, restarting her looking around the room.
I pointed to the kitchen and said, "Why don't I give you the tour?"
She followed me through the kitchen and looked once more at her bowl sitting out. I tried to move her to the living room quickly, but she wasn't in a big hurry. In the den, she picked up the little pillow that was sitting against the armrest of the couch where I'd been resting.
"This is beautiful," she commented, smiling at a photo of Julie on top of the entertainment center.
I shrugged. "I'm not here much, but when I need a place to rest or get a break, it's where I come."
"You're limping," she said, as though she were shocked at the reality that I was injured.
I nodded, hating having to admit I was struggling. "I guess it's better than it could have been, but I've got a bit of a recovery ahead of me."
"What happened?" she asked, moving so that she was standing on my left side. I thought it was odd, as she had been directly in front of me, but I didn't comment.
"I took a knife at the top of my leg, and it cut through several inches of muscle and got infected to complicate things," I explained, giving her the short version.
She winced and shivered slightly, no doubt visualizing what I'd described. "Does it hurt much?" she asked, taking a small step closer.
I wanted to shrug it off, but I'd had time to think while I was waiting for Tank to bring her here, and I'd decided if I was going to try for something more with Stephanie, I needed to really try. That meant opening myself up some, even when I didn't want to.
I nodded, and then added, "It's worse if I stay up for long periods or when I first get up after resting."
She smiled and replied, "So you're screwed either way."
I smiled at her summary. "Pretty much. But if I can take it easy and not rush back into work, then I'll be close enough to normal in another week to fake it."
I looked at her and decided to ask my own question. "Why did you move over here?"
Her face turned a light shade of pink, and she pointed to her left ear. "You heard about my latest run in with a skip?"
"Yeah, I heard you did what you had to do to keep yourself from getting shot, and then you got your man in the end," I told her, proud of her for doing what needed to be done.
"In the process, I managed to screw up my ear so that it's ringing and hurts, and I can't hear very well. The doctor said it will go away as long as I don't do anything else while it's healing. It's easier to hear if I turn so that the sound isn't coming into the side that's ringing," she explained.
"We're a pair, aren't we?" I asked, amused at how both of us were hurting, and neither of us liked talking about it.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked hesitantly.
"You know you can," I told her.
"Why did you invite me to your house?" There was the question I really didn't want to answer yet.
"Can we sit to talk about it?" I asked her, feeling my nerves rise up at the thought of this conversation.
She walked to the couch and sat down at one end, leaving the other side for me.
"I guess I asked you here for a couple of reasons. First, I missed you while I was away, and I wanted to see you."
She smiled at that explanation, and I knew I'd started at the right place.
"I was stuck here, waiting for my leg to heal up some more, and I was losing my mind, staring at the walls. I wanted some company, and you were the only person I could imagine seeing me like this and understanding how much I hate being cooped up."
Her smile grew, making this whole opening myself up idea much easier than I'd imagined.
"But the main reason was that before I called you, I had a lot of time to think, and I realized that I was tired of waiting to live my life the way I want to."
She didn't seem to understand what I meant.
"I've been very careful to avoid entanglements that could be used against me over the last few years while my contract with the government was in force. I'm nearing the end of that contract now, and they can no longer require me to leave the county on a mission. Knowing that, feeling like I had control over what I could have, made me realize I didn't want to wait anymore and see what happened; I wanted to make some things happen." I watched her carefully and could tell she had another question, so I waited for it.
"What is it that you want to make happen?" she asked, voicing her concern.
"You and me, Babe. I want there to be a you and me," I told her, not able to use a word like relationship, but meaning it, just the same.
Her eyes widened, and she looked away, before turning her gaze back to me. "What about everything you've said to me in the past?"
"When I said it, it was true – at least to a certain degree – but the rules have changed, and I'm ready to change, too," I assured her.
"But what if the rules change again? Are you going to let me in now, and then push me out later?" she wondered.
Now I knew what Tank meant about the head job I'd done on Stephanie. "No, I asked you to come here because I hoped you'd remember what it meant. I want you, Steph – no conditions, no qualifiers. Just you and me."
She turned her head so that I couldn't see much of her face.
I tried to wait, but it didn't take long for her silence to put me on edge. "Babe?"
She sniffed, and I could tell she was trying to hide the fact that she was crying. I put my arms around her and pulled her to me. "Why are you upset? I'm not trying to force anything on you, and if there's someone else that you want, I'll step away, if that's what you need." I was rambling. When in the hell had I started to ramble?
She sniffed again and turned a little to better face me. "No, I don't want anyone else, and I definitely don't need you to step away. I just can't believe I'm hearing what you're saying. I guess there's a piece of me that's afraid something horrible is about to happen, because good stuff like this just doesn't happen to me."
"It's happening, I promise. I know I've been a real ass to you, and while I can't promise that I'll suddenly be easier to put up with or that I'll start talking all the time, I want to be with you, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove it to you," I assured her.
Her eyes were so blue, it was like midnight had dawned there, and I was being pulled in. I'd seen her with hundreds of expressions, but I'd never seen her eyes as open as they were right now. It humbled me to think that she was willing to open herself to me.
"Tank said you'd come around," she commented quietly.
"Did he?" I didn't know if I should kick his ass for putting his nose in my business or send him a bonus for saving my ass once more.
"Yeah, he said you were sometimes too stubborn for your own good, and if I could just be patient, you would eventually come to your senses," she said with a hint of a smile.
That seemed to tip the scales a little more to the ass kicking side.
"I was ready to pack up and leave when you left on your last mission, but he brought me pizza one night, and we talked – really talked. He told me that he was convinced you loved me, even if you didn't know it. And he asked me to stay and give you a chance to come home from this assignment, before I did anything rash."
And now I was back to the owing him big time.
"It's so much easier to believe that you love me in your own way, but that you also want to keep me at arm's length."
"Why is that easier to believe?" I questioned. "Have I ever told you I don't want you? I told you someday. Now that the day has come, when I can act on my own, is someday so hard to accept?"
"Yes," she emphatically responded. "I'm a total screw up. Ranger, I almost got shot yesterday. Now my ear is ringing all the time. I'm a complete mess. You can't possibly want to be with me."
"Stop," I interrupted her before she could go any further down that road. "You aren't a total screw up. You aren't a complete mess. We've already covered the fact that we're both injured. This stuff happens with what we do. We try the best we can to be safe and take precautions, but even with that, sometimes shit goes wrong."
She was trying to dry her eyes, so I hoped that meant I was getting through to her.
"I can't promise it will be easy, but we owe it to ourselves to find out exactly what it can be."
"What if it doesn't work?" she asked, as though that were a remote possibility.
"Then we can at least say we tried and not have to live with all the what ifs," I told her.
"But I need you. I need your friendship and support you've always given me," she said, which explained her original question.
"And you'll always have it," I quickly responded. "Whether we try this or not, whether it works or not, you'll always have me in your life."
"You won't try to send me away?" she asked.
I could tell that was her final hold out. The sin of my past coming back to me.
I cupped her face with my hand and stared into her eyes. Before she drew me in too far, I answered her question. "Never, Stephanie; if you'll have me, I'm never letting you go. So you need to take some time to be sure this what you what, because once we start, there's no turning back."
She placed her soft fingers over my hand and held me to her face. "I don't need any time. I've wanted this for years, but I took you at your word that it could never happen."
I moved closer, unhappy with any distance since she'd given me a reason to hope. "I never said never. I couldn't force myself to say something like that, so far outside of how I felt. You forced yourself into my heart and brought me things I didn't expect."
Her face moved back away from my grasp. "What kind of things?"
I smiled, assuming she was just pretending to be worked up over my statement. "You brought me happiness and peace." Then I pushed it a little too far. "And a stress level higher than I'd ever experienced on any mission."
She pointed a finger at me and warned, "Watch it, or I might decide to injure your other leg."
"Careful, Steph," I countered. "Even bleeding, infected, and carrying an open wound, I still managed to get myself to safety and take out plenty of people along the way. I may be weaker than I was, but I'm still plenty strong."
Stephanie laughed at my boasting and replied, "I'm sure you are, but I'm not your average bad guy. I'm sneaky."
At that, I couldn't help but laugh. "My men carry the scars to prove that's true." Shit, she was exactly what I needed to get through this. Nobody made me laugh like she did.
"Most of them aren't my fault," she quickly defended, probably out of habit more than need.
Moving a curl away from her face, I smiled at her. "No, they weren't your fault."
"So can I ask you something else?" She seemed nervous again.
"I told you that you could ask anything you wanted," I reminded her.
"Why is there a bowl with my name on it in your kitchen?" she asked, glancing behind her.
Shit. I felt like a kid getting caught trying to sneak cookies off Mama's kitchen counter. "I ordered it for you last fall."
"It's July," she observed, probably trying to point out the fact I'd had it for eight months and had yet to give it to her. "Were you waiting on some sort of sign before you told me about it?"
I smiled again. Damn, it's like my face had a mind of its own around her. "You could say that," I admitted.
She made a motion with her hand, encouraging me to keep talking.
"I've owned this house for years and treated it as nothing more than a place to crash – maybe an investment of sorts – until I got to know you."
Her brow furrowed, and I knew she was trying to figure out what the house had to do with the bowl.
"After getting to know you, I found I was looking at things differently that I once took for granted. It started with pictures—" I pointed to the ones above the television "—then there were pillows, color in the bedroom, and supplies in the bathroom.
"I was here after a mission last fall and did my Christmas shopping online. When I saw the bowl, I thought of you and ordered it. When it came, I couldn't give it to you; I wanted it to stay here, so I put in the cupboard and waited."
"What were you waiting for?" she asked, hanging on to every word I'd said.
I shrugged, unsure how to admit to it out loud. "I wanted you to use it here."
Obviously, I wasn't giving her enough to understand. "There are clothes that fit you hanging in my closet. There is a bottle of that gel you think is magic from Mr. Alexander's in the mall. I've even got some shoes that fit you under the bed."
"But…" She took the palm of her hand and pressed it against her forehead, as though she were trying to shove the right words in her brain by pushing hard enough. "Why? I've never been here."
"Because even while I was telling you that we couldn't have a relationship, I wanted – I wished." I didn't realize how true the words were until I said them out loud. "I couldn't stop from making plans for the day when it might happen."
There was silence as she absorbed what I was telling her. "And now you want this to be the day?"
I nodded and squeezed her hand. I'd only allowed myself to think about really trying for something long term with Stephanie for a few hours, but in that time, my long-fought fantasies were growing stronger, and I knew if she shut me down – if she turned away from me – it was going to hurt.
She was studying her hands, as though the future was written on them. When she suddenly looked up at me, her face was so expressive, so open. "I want this to be the day, too."
I began to lean forward to kiss her, not sneaking in my passion hiding behind the bonds office or fighting the guilt of taking what really belonged to another man. But before I could get close enough, she held up a hand and stopped me. I should have known better; with Stephanie, things were rarely that simple.
"If you try to shut down or push me away now, I can't be held responsible for my actions," she warned, no hint of joking in her voice.
"Duly noted," I assured her, hoping that was her last hold out. I waited, searching her eyes for any other thoughts that might be passing and needed to be voiced.
After waiting long enough that I thought it was safe, I began to lean in once again. This time, her hands moved up to my arms and rested against my biceps.
I paused just shy of her lips, wanting to give her a chance to stop me if she needed to. "Are you ready for this?" I asked, holding back the internal cringe at how cheesy I sounded. When had I turned into a sap?
Her hands shifted up to my shoulders as she replied, "I've been ready for this. I've just been waiting for you."
Oh hell, didn't that just make me want to spout off lame lines about her wait being over. Thank God I still had enough control to keep from talking.
I closed the gap and let my lips touch hers, trying to hold back the current rushing through me, driving me to pull her to me. Her lips were so soft, and they moved with mine perfectly, giving me one more piece of evidence that we simply fit together, making me question my sanity for denying it for so long.
When my tongue ran over the seam of her mouth and she opened to me and moaned softly at the same time, I knew I was a goner. My tongue thrust into her mouth, searching out the secrets hidden there. I explored, tracing the top of her tongue, sucking it into my mouth and tasting the unique flavor of her. For the first time in a long time, all I could think about was the feel of her. The knowledge that despite not deserving her, she still wanted me was only working to increase my need for her. All of my senses were honed in on the woman in my arms, not split between what I was doing and what still needed to be done as it usually was. It made me feel alive, which eroded the last of my famous control.
I pulled Stephanie from her seat beside me so that she was sitting across my lap. There was a moment of mild pain when her weight came down on my leg, but that was quickly replaced by the pleasure of feeling her body on top of mine. My mind was warning me not to let this go too far too fast, but my dick was screaming at my mind to shut up. The internal war was quickly being drowned out by the experience of Stephanie becoming a little more aggressive and moving into my mouth with her tongue. The sounds she was making were driving me crazy, and I had a feeling she was completely unaware of them, which only made me love them all the more.
I knew I'd never be as open as she was, but I hoped in moments like these, I could learn to let myself go so that she could have the opportunity to know how affected I was by her. I wasn't really a moaner, but I did let a growl loose when her hand moved to my chest and a fingernail grazed over my nipple. Damn, that had never done anything for me in the past, but right now, I was silently wishing she'd do it again – maybe a little harder this time.
"Ranger..." She spoke my name like it was a prayer when I moved to taste her neck, trying to find that spot I knew would set her off.
Just behind her ear, I let my teeth sink in enough to sting, but not enough to break through. She sucked in a quick breath and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me closer to her. I broke my rule about never leaving a mark on a woman and drew the skin into my mouth to leave a bruise. She was mine now, and the whole world needed to know it.
Her fingertips curled so that her nails were against my scalp, and she made a sexy sound, followed by the word yes, drawn out in pleasure. I'd forgotten just how responsive Stephanie was after satisfying myself with only stolen moments after our night together. The voice in the back of my head began to yell that I'd been an idiot to ever let this woman out of my arms.
I silenced that by reminding myself that I was starting anew with her. I was going to be everything she deserved, and I was going to let myself have this one precious thing in my life after denying myself every other pleasure for so long.
I rarely drank, I didn't eat unhealthy foods, and dessert had seldom tempted me. I kept my reactions tempered, and swearing wasn't something I'd permitted publicly in years. Everything in my life was controlled and organized to a degree that allowed for very little joy. But in this moment, my chest nearly hurt from the swelling emotions inside me. For once in my life, I refused to fight my urges. This was the most pleasure I'd ever had – feeling Stephanie freely give herself to me – and I wanted more.
She was both my weakness and my salvation, and I was tired of fighting it. I had years of self denial to make up for and enough ideas of how to work it off swirling through my mind, I hardly knew where to start. Thank God she understood the Batcave meant forever, because that's how long it would take me to get a handle on my need for her.
