Patient: Quinzel, Harleen, MD – Day 1

"Just stand over there for your mugshot, please, Dr. Quinzel," said the Arkham Asylum guard, gesturing her over to where a backdrop and camera were set up.

"Sure thing, Steve," said Harley, smiling as she faced the camera.

"Uh…people don't usually smile for the mugshot," said Steve. "Except Joker, but he's crazy."

"Yeah, and so am I now, Steve," said Harley, beaming. "And whatever Mr. J does, I wanna do. Anyway, I don't think I could stop smiling even if I wanted to."

"O…K," said Steve slowly. "That's not what I would have expected from someone who's gone from being a successful doctor to an inmate here, but whatever makes you happy."

"Yep, I finally am happy now, Steve," sighed Harley. "And it's all thanks to Mr. J."

"You know we have explicit orders from Dr. Leland to keep you separated from him, right?" asked Steve, as he took the photo.

"Yeah, but I think we'll find a way around those somehow," replied Harley. "Mr. J's a smart guy, and love finds a way, after all."

"O…K," repeated Steve, standing up. "Well, let's get you to your cell. We're giving you the one next to Ivy."

"What happened to the patient who used to be in there?" asked Harley, puzzled. "It used to be occupied, as far as I know, though I can't remember who by."

"Yeah…she and Ivy got into a disagreement and one day she just…wasn't there anymore," said Steve. "Ivy assures us it has nothing to do with the baby Venus flytrap she's keeping in her cell, which mysteriously grew five feet overnight."

"Wow. Don't wanna get into a fight with her then, do I?" laughed Harley. They had arrived at the cell, and Harley waved cheerfully at Poison Ivy, who just glared back at her.

"Hi, I'm Harley," she said, turning to Ivy as the cell door clanged shut on her. "Pleased to finally meetcha – can I call you Ivy? Or do you prefer Poison? It is Poison Ivy, right, not Poison Oak? Do you prefer Oak? Or Oaky?"

"Didn't you used to be a doctor here?" asked Ivy, ignoring her question. "I'm sure I've seen you around before."

"Yeah, I think I saw you briefly on my orientation day," said Harley, nodding. "I was a doctor here up until a few weeks ago, when I broke Mr. J out. They think that makes me crazy, for some reason."

"Who's Mr. J?" asked Ivy.

"Oh, sorry, that's my pet name for my puddin'," said Harley. "The Joker."

Ivy stared at her. "You have a pet name for the Joker?" she asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, we're kinda sorta…together," giggled Harley. "As a couple, y'know. That's another reason why they won't let me be a doctor here anymore – Mr. J was my patient and…we were doing some things a doctor's not supposed to do with patients, if you know what I mean."

Ivy continued to stare at her. "You…did the Joker?" she asked, horrified.

"Oh yeah, a lotta times," giggled Harley. "That is a man with stamina, let me tell you…"

"Oh my God, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!" exclaimed Ivy, shutting her eyes tightly. "I need to block out that image now! Oh my God, oh my God…I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"Sorry, I thought this was just girl talk," said Harley, as Ivy rushed over to her toilet. "You know, the way friends do."

"We're not friends! I just met you, for one thing, and for another, I don't make friends with meatsacks!" snapped Ivy.

Harley shrugged, looking around her cell. "Your loss. Anyway, this ain't a bad setup. At least the temperature control is ok in this wing – you get over to Freeze's cell and that whole block is messed up."

"Yes, it's the best of all possible places where you're locked up behind bars in a tiny room and have your entire life laid out for you by others with no freedom whatsoever," sighed Ivy.

"Aw, you just gotta look on the bright side, is all," said Harley. "I couldn't be happier to be locked up in here with the guy I love, and all these nice new friends like you. What more could anyone want?"

"I repeat, I don't make friends with meatsacks," retorted Ivy. "Especially meatsacks who think the Joker is attractive."

"He is though – he's super hot," said Harley.

"Are you blind and crazy?" demanded Ivy.

"No, it's objectively true," retorted Harley. But then she smiled again. "But hey, different strokes for different folks, as Mr. J says. He's not your cup of tea, and I get it, although I think you're probably blind and crazy too. That's good, in a way – it means I won't be paranoid thinking you'll be trying to steal him away from me."

"That would be the most unfounded fear ever," retorted Ivy. "I hate his guts. He's an ugly, old, irredeemable monster."

"He is not old!" snapped Harley. "Or ugly! And he's not irredeemable! Sure, he may find the pain and suffering of others inherently amusing, but it's just a joke."

"What makes you think he won't find your pain and suffering amusing too?" demanded Ivy. "How can you be with a guy who's completely insincere about everything, and who thinks hurting people is funny? You're going to end up hurt by him eventually."

"Yeah, I guess," agreed Harley, shrugging again. "I'm not gonna lie – pain kinda turns me on though, so really it's probably a match made in heaven."

"Right, that's definitely it," said Ivy, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'm sure you can really change him too."

"I don't wanna do that," said Harley. "I fell in love with him as he is – I don't ever want him to change."

"You can't actually be in love with the Joker though," retorted Ivy.

"Why not?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"Because he's the Joker!" exclaimed Ivy. "There's literally nothing lovable about him!"

"Aw, no, there's lots to love about him!" exclaimed Harley. "That little twinkle in his eye he gets when he's thinking about hurting people, especially Batman, the way his tongue sticks out when he's concentrating, that lock of hair that won't stay slicked back no matter what he tries, his passion and dedication to what he does, his jokes, his determination, his ability to make everyone laugh whether they want to or not, his smarts, his sense of humor, his chiseled good looks and well-defined cheekbones and slim but strong body, the way he makes a gal feel special, his unique way of looking at the world, the way he makes everything fun, his laugh, his smile, his voice, his eyes, his lips, not to mention his fantastic ass and enormous…"

"Ok, do me a favor," interrupted Ivy. "We are temporarily forced to be in close contact, but I assure you that it is temporary. I'll be busting out of here soon, and I hope never to see you again after that - Joker will probably dispose of you quickly enough. But while I do have to deal with you, please never, ever mention the Joker again in any way, shape, or form. Ok?"

"Ok," said Harley, nodding. She glanced over at Ivy's cell. "That's a nice plant you got there," she said, pointing at the Venus flytrap. "What's its name, Audrey II?"

"I don't name my plants," snapped Ivy. "You name pets in order to reinforce ownership over them. But you don't own plants – they're their own, magnificent, free selves that you should just support and encourage to grow."

"Well, that one looks like it might take your hand off," said Harley, indicating the sharp teeth.

"It won't hurt me," said Ivy.

"How do you know?" asked Harley.

"I trust it," she retorted. "It respects me."

"Might objectively be kinda a crazy thing to do," commented Harley. "Considering it looks so dangerous and all, and it's hurt others before, including whoever was last in this cell if the rumors are true."

"It only hurts people who don't understand it," retorted Ivy. "Or those who try to hurt it and deserve to be killed. If you love it, it loves you back."

"So what you're saying is you're keeping an extremely dangerous plant with you because you love it, and therefore trust and respect it, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says because it's your choice," said Harley, nodding. "It's special to you because you're the only one who can understand it, and it acts differently around you because, despite outward appearances, and however crazy it seems, it loves you. Gotcha."

Ivy glared at her. "Are you trying to make a point about you and that person I told you I didn't want you mentioning ever again?"

"Nope. Just commenting on your plant, is all," said Harley. "I'm a straightforward gal now – don't speak in metaphors or riddles or nothing. That's Nygma's game, I think, and nobody wants to be like him."

"Well, you got that right," agreed Ivy, heading over to pet her plant. "Maybe you're smarter than you look."

Harley beamed. "Aw, that's so nice to hear you say that! I think we just became best friends!" she said, embracing Ivy through the bars, much to her annoyance.

"All right, ladies, lunchtime – let's move it," said the guard, re-entering the cell block.

"Yay! I'm starved! What's on the menu today, Steve?" asked Harley, as he unlocked their cells.

"Uh…I think they're calling it meatloaf," said Steve.

"The usual crap then," muttered Ivy.

"Yeah, but at least it's free!" said Harley, cheerfully, as she skipped out of her cell and into the cafeteria. Most of the inmates were already there, including Joker, who was seated at a table by himself surrounded by armed guards. Harley skipped toward him, but a gun was immediately raised to her face.

"Go get in the lunch line, Dr. Quinzel," said the guard. "The patient's off-limits to you."

"Ok, Carl, no need to overreact," sniffed Harley, heading back toward the line. She caught Joker's eye, who winked at her, and then stuck his tongue out, licking it upwards at her.

"God yeah, you can see why you'd wanna be all over that," said Ivy sarcastically, as she lined up behind Harley, who was blowing kisses back to Joker.

"You don't know him," retorted Harley. "Anyway, I thought you didn't wanna talk about him anymore."

"I don't – not now or ever," said Ivy, taking a tray and leaning it against the counter as she glared at the man holding up the line.

This was Jervis Tetch, who was trying to decide between what was supposedly meatloaf, and supposedly stew, although they both looked remarkably similar in consistency.

"For God's sake, Jervis, just pick one!" snapped Jonathan Crane, who was standing behind him. "I'll get the other and we can swap if you don't like it, not that anyone could like either because it's the same disgusting slop we've had every day we've been in this dump!"

"Professor Crane, I thought that was you!" exclaimed Harley, who was standing behind him in line. Crane turned slowly, and his face flushed as he recognized her. "Boy, long time no see, huh?" she said, beaming at him and throwing herself into his arms for a hug. "How ya doing?"

"H…Harley," he stammered, embracing her awkwardly. "I'm…I'm fine…how are you doing? I thought you were working as a doctor here…"

"Yeah, well, I was, but the last time the Bat brought the Joker in beaten to a bloody pulp, something inside me snapped," said Harley. "I resolved not to just sit by being a doctor anymore – I resolved to bust him out and join him in his life of crime as his faithful companion and lover. Some people think that makes me crazy, so here I am!" she said, beaming.

"You're…the Joker's…lover?" stammered Crane, horrified.

"Disgusting thought, isn't it?" agreed Ivy.

"I'm sorry, Pamela, but I can't see any mutually loving relationship as something disgusting," said Tetch. "The disgusting ones are the unrequited ones – I know whereof I speak."

"I suspect it is unrequited, but don't tell her that," muttered Ivy under her breath.

"It's lovely to meet you, my dear," continued Tetch, smiling at Harley. "I'm Jervis Tetch, at your service."

"Yeah, I know…we've met before, Jervis, when I was a doctor," reminded Harley, as he kissed her hand.

"I have met Dr. Quinzel, but not you as you are now," replied Tetch. "It's no good going back to yesterday, as you were a different person then, and you are a new person now, to paraphrase Alice."

"Aw, that's a great way of looking at it," said Harley, beaming. "I'm certainly a lot happier of a person now. I remember the doctors would always sit in the depressing break room eating lunch in silence, but now I got all these great new friends to mingle with!" she said, hugging Tetch. "I used to be kinda shy and scared of meeting new people, but Mr. J has really opened up this whole other side of me! Plus I just feel like I belong here now. That's a great feeling, to have a real home surrounded by people who accept you and love you for who you are."

"Indeed it is," agreed Tetch, nodding. "I have also experienced something of the kind since coming here – a place where there are people who really value me…"

"Stop yammering nonsense or get out of line, nerd!" snapped Ivy, shoving him out of the way and taking his place.

"Hey, wait your turn, tramp!" snapped Two-Face, who she was now standing behind.

"Hey, watch your language around a lady," retorted Ivy.

"Oh, you're no lady, Pam," he snapped. "I think everyone in here knows that, but especially me."

"Really, must we have this every day?" sighed Tetch. "I know it's awkward for you two ex-lovers to see each other every day, but you simply must make the best of it."

"Aw, you two used to be together?" asked Harley, beaming at them. "That's sweet."

"Yes, she pretended to be romantically interested in me in order to try to kill me by kissing me with poisoned lipstick," retorted Two-Face.

"Oh. Well, forgive and forget, huh?" asked Harley. "It didn't work out, so move on – that's the mature response."

"Maturity and the inmates in here do not generally go hand-in-hand," commented Crane. "There are daily fights, physical more often than not, except since the Joker's under heavy guard perhaps we'll be spared that today."

"Not if Pammie keeps annoying me," muttered Two-Face. "I'm not the type to hit a lady, but like I said before, she's no lady."

"I'm sure you two just need to put aside your differences and talk things out, and you'll end up being the best of friends," said Harley. "Or maybe even rekindle that romance, huh?"

"Not if she was the last woman on earth," retorted Two-Face.

"Hey, ask your coin before you rule it out," retorted Ivy. "That's what you're wholly dependent on now, isn't it? Can't make any decisions for yourself, not like a real man. But I guess you're only half a man now, Harvey."

"Keep pushing, and coin or no coin, I'll take matters into my own hands," growled Two-Face.

"Yeah, that'll be the day," said Ivy, sarcastically. "You mean like when you took it into your own hands to murder my babies?"

"They're flowers, not babies!" snapped Two-Face.

"Look, if you guys want some couples counseling, that's not my specialty, but I'll be happy to give it a shot," said Harley.

"We're not a couple!" they both shouted at her.

"Ok, geez, calm down," said Harley. "You don't wanna ruin my first day with a buncha arguing, do you? Not after it's been going so great, reuniting with old friends and making new ones!" she said, hugging both Crane and Tetch again.

"Dr. Quinzel, Dr. Leland would like to see you after you're through with lunch," said Steve, coming over to her as she sat down.

"Aw, ain't that sweet of Joan?" asked Harley. "I bet she's wanting to see how I'm settling in."

"I think she's actually going to try to draw up a therapy schedule," said Steve. "You being a patient and all, that's mostly what you'll be doing in here."

"Oh yeah – you know, I almost forgot people think I'm crazy!" laughed Harley. "But then I guess I am kinda crazy in love," she sighed, gazing at Joker across the table of armed guards dreamily. He drew a heart in the air with his fingers, and pointed at her, and then began making gun shapes with his hands and pretending to shoot the guards, which made Harley giggle.

After she was finished eating, Steve escorted her to Dr. Leland's office. "Hi, Joan!" said Harley happily, taking a seat opposite her desk. "How's it hanging?"

Dr. Leland looked at her. "How's it hanging?" she repeated. "It's hanging fine – I've only had my hands full cleaning up the mess you made breaking the Joker out of here, not to mention the repeated interrogations from all and sundry about why I hired you if you were potentially mentally unstable, and reporters hounding me to and from work wanting an interview detailing how exactly the Joker broke the doctor's mind. Life has just been a bowl of cherries."

"Aw, well, I am sorry to cause you all that trouble," said Harley, sincerely. "But I don't regret anything I've done. I've never been happier than I am today. Well, except for the day Mr. J first kissed me, and the day we first had sex in my office…"

"I don't need to hear about that, thanks," interrupted Dr. Leland. "Although I do need to make a note to sterilize your office now," she muttered, writing something down on a piece of paper. She sighed, looking back up at Harley.

"I can't help but think this is somehow my fault," she murmured. "If I hadn't let you analyze him…"

"Aw, c'mon, Joan, I never would have stopped pestering you until I got to," interrupted Harley. "I'm a determined kinda gal. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this, and I wouldn't have wanted you to. I know you probably can't understand how anyone would want to go from being a successful doctor to a patient in here, but you have to believe me when I say I'm a lot happier now. I have love in my life…"

"You believe you have the love of someone who up until now has shown himself to be completely incapable of basic human emotions like empathy, let alone love," interrupted Dr. Leland. "Personally, I think he was looking for someone to help him escape from here, and pegged you as an easy target. He's an excellent liar, after all – I doubt he's ever told any doctor in here a true word about himself. What makes you think he's not lying to you?"

Harley shrugged. "Gotta have faith in the people you love, Joan," she said. "I was just saying to Poison Ivy…or Poison Oaky…she never did tell me which one she was. I might just call her Red since that's easy to remember, and saves confusion. Anyway, I was just saying to her that love is all about trust. Sure, maybe it's crazy to have blind trust in a man called the Joker, but I'm in here because I'm crazy. Frankly, I've been sane most of my life, and I can tell you, this is a lot better for me. Maybe Mr. J's right – maybe you gotta go crazy to be happy in this bleak, miserable world. But I promise you, I'm never going back."

"Harley, I don't want us to be enemies, but my job here is to cure you," said Dr. Leland. "And I'm not letting you near the Joker while you're in here. Maybe if you're away from his poisonous influence, you'll come to your senses."

"I already told you, Joan, I ain't doing that," said Harley, shaking her head. "And you can try to keep Mr. J away from me all you like, but you won't succeed. If we want something, we'll get it. And I want Mr. J."

"Harley, I'm trying to help you – it's for your own good," said Dr. Leland. "I don't want to see you hurt…"

"Well, that's pretty unavoidable in life, ain't it?" interrupted Harley. "I respect you, Joan, really I do. And I'm sorry to disappoint your expectations, but I've spent my whole life trying to meet other people's expectations without thinking of myself at all. Mr. J freed me from all that. I hope you'll consider me as incurable as he is, because I am now. I don't know if it was a choice for Mr. J to go crazy – I suspect it was because Batman knocked him into some crazy chemicals, and he just chose to make the best of a bad situation. But it is a choice for me, and I choose the madness of my mad love. I choose to be committed for life."

Dr. Leland sighed heavily. "Then I think you probably will be, Harley," she said, managing a smile. "I know how stubborn you can be. Just like everyone in here, in fact," she sighed. "What with you losing your sanity, and all the patients we get sent who don't seem to make a lick of progress, I sometimes wonder if we're doing any good at all in here."

"You are, Joan," said Harley, sincerely. "You've given us a home, a place where we're safe and together. It's like one big, messed up family out there," she said, nodding toward the door. "Which I think is the best kinda family," she added, smiling.

Dr. Leland smiled back. "The Manson family could only dream of being that messed up. But thank you, Harley, that's some comfort. You should probably head back to your cell now – I'll have a therapy schedule ready for next week, for all the good it'll do."

"Great. See you then, Joan," said Harley, standing up. "And let me know if you need any help cleaning up after the breakout, or if you want me to give any interviews."

"Thank you, no," said Dr. Leland, hastily. "I think that would be the opposite of helpful."

"Suit yourself," said Harley, shrugging. "I woulda thought people would love to hear my side of the story. Knowing the media, the truth will be twisted all outta shape – they'll claim that I slept my way through medical school, or wanted to write some kinda gossip book about the inmates here, or something stupid like that. Anything but the simple, plain, and common truth – that I just fell madly in love with a guy. But then who can blame me?" she sighed, as she was returned to her cell and pulled out a picture of the Joker she kept hidden under her clothes. "Just look at that smile!"

"I hope you're not talking about that person we agreed you'd never talk about again," spoke up Ivy.

"No worries, Red," replied Harley. "But you are gonna be in for the surprise of your life when he sneaks in here tonight," she muttered under her breath.

"What was that?" asked Ivy.

"Nothing," said Harley, hastily. "Nothing at all."