Ask Shepard:
An Advice Column
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A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I managed to come up with a few more letters for Shepard to answer. :)
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Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.
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What you've all been waiting for—Commander Shepard responds to fanmail, answers questions, and gives advice, right here on Galactic Enquirer Online! Exclusive: the hero of the Citadel uncensored!
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My Dearest Shepardess,
I apologize with sincerity for my unforeseen absence—you finally heeded my call and, alas! Cruel irony tears us apart. One day, dearest, you and I shall find each other.
Many years have passed since first contact was made
But immediate was my desire to shade
Your beautiful innocence, soon destroyed
By the horrors seen by a marine deployed
I watched your career with a hopeful heart
Though circumstances kept us apart
From afar I loved, waiting for the day
That I could retire and have my own way
That day is coming soon, dearest, I can feel it!
As soon as we rid the universe of those pesky reapers.
With love,
Admirer
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Okay, "Admirer", you are beginning to reach thorian levels of creeper here.
I'm not playing coy, damn it! TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!
Shepard
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Dear Shepard,
I've got an older sister, but she gives crappy advice. So I'm writing to you!
How do you get a boy to like you? There's a guy in my class that I'm into, but I'm not sure if he is into me.
Little Sister
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LS,
I suck at advice too, just so you know. (Dunno why they gave me an advice column. Must be 'cause I'm charming.)
Not so sure about getting a boyfriend, but I've had success getting laid on many an occasion. (Eat your heart out, Kaidan.)
While I am generally opposed to dresses… violently opposed to dresses, in fact, I've gotten laid on nearly every occasion I've worn one.
So… yeah. Wear a dress, tell him you want him, watch the sparks fly.
Shep
PS. And if he doesn't go for it? Fuck him. Figuratively, I mean. You should only fuck him literally if he agrees to it.
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Commander,
So I've got a really hot bod, and I want to show it off. But whenever a chick catches me working out without a shirt, she runs away. What the hell?
J-T
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Dear J-T…
This must come as a shock to you, but "chicks" don't always like guys trying to show off their ginormous abs and creepily tiny waists when they just want to come and talk.
And, no, I don't mean "come" and talk, you pervert.
I'm onto you.
Suspicious Shepard
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Dear Shepard,
I have a younger sister that I care deeply about, but she won't accept any help or advice I have to offer. My greater life experience should be reason enough for her to listen to me, yet she does not. How can I make her see reason? She could ruin her life!
Concerned Older Sister
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COS,
No offense, but you sound like a stuck up bitch.
…okay so I totally did mean offense. What can I say? I'm mean like that.
Anyways, are you sure your advice is good? If it's not, maybe that's why she doesn't listen to you. Or maybe you don't say it loud enough.
When people don't listen to me, I just yell louder. I can yell very, very loud.
Commander S
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Commander Shepard,
Why are you so insistent that there are all-powerful sentient machines, "reapers", coming to destroy us? What evidence do you have for these insane assertions?
The people want to know, Shepard!
Khalisah Bin-Sinan Al'Jilani
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KBSAJ
Um, because I TALKED to them, bitch.
TWO reapers have said to my face that they plan to kill us all.
Not to mention the prothean beacon, the fact that the collectors were BUILDING their own damn reaper, other various prothean artifacts, the attack on the Citadel, fucking indocrination, and the other stuff found by archeologists. (Ask for Dr. T'Soni, I'm no scientist!)
Also, would they really be so intent on killing me if I was wrong? Just sayin.
-someone so badass that an all-powerful machine race is scared of me
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Hey Shepard!
It's me again, Conrad Verner!
I had this great idea: What if I join the Alliance? Then I could be on your crew and help you on the Normandy!
If I become a soldier, will you take me on the Normandy with you?
Conrad Verner, fan club president
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Dear Conrad,
Yes.
If you complete basic training, school of infantry, advanced infantry training, and at least one N-course, I will let you join me on the Normandy.
Seriously.
Commander Shepard
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Commander Shepard,
I'm just a low-ranking Alliance officer, but I like to fantasize about having my own ship someday. What's your favorite thing about having your own private quarters? I hear a lot of people are fans of the separate shower. Is the bed comfortable? I heard your room even has a skylight!
Please tell me all about it!
Chief
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Chief,
None of those are my favorite things.
I like the fish tank.
-Commander
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Battlemaster Shepard,
I know that you are very good at killing. Have you heard of something called fratricide? (only took me nine tries to spell that, hah!)
Anyways, yeah. I need advice on how to do that f thing.
Wreav
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Oh Wreav.
Only you would be so stupid as to use your real name when writing to your brother's friend to ask advice in plotting his downfall.
Battlemaster Shepard
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Dear Shepard,
Little Sister here again! Turns out that boy wasn't really interested, so I'm looking for a new one. Do you have any advice on how to choose a good boyfriend? All my sister ever does is look up their medical records and lecture me about their family connections. What should I really look for in a guy? How do I choose?
Little Sis
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Little Sis,
I think I'm going to need a bit more info here.
What do they look like? Do any of them have blue eyes? What about disfiguring scars?
You can weed out some of the less badass ones by asking them how they are with a sniper rifle. Have any of them gone on any suicide missions? If so, I'd totally pick that one.
Now I'm getting all excited. Damn.
-S
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Commander Shepard.
So I've been trying to figure you out.
You let hundreds of humans die to save the Citadel Council a few years ago. Then you joined up with a pro-human, anti-alien organization for a while and blew up a bunch of batarians.
But I also heard that you invited aliens to work on your ship with you. I even heard a rumor that you were sleeping with one of those aliens!
Whose side are you on, Commander?
Terra Firma Fan
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Well, Terra Firma fan, you've made your own side abundantly clear.
So let me make a few points.
There were more people aboard the Destiny Ascension than died to save it.
I worked with Cerberus only to take down the collectors.
I destroyed that batarian relay to prevent the reapers from using it.
Yes, I have been sleeping with an alien and it is awesome!
CS
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Dear Shepard,
I was raised by a single mother, and have recently found out who my father is. I was debating over whether to introduce myself, but then I found out that my father is spying on me for the government, of all things!
What do you think I should do?
Feelin' Blue
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Blue,
Why does everyone come to me with their daddy issues?
Must I again remind everyone that I don't have parents? Because they DIED?
Anyways I think you should talk to your dad. Just… bring a gun in case it doesn't go well.
I've learned you have to plan for these things.
-Shepard
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Dearest,
How can you say you know me not? I feel as if we have always known each other.
If you are truly confused, my darling, my nom-de-plume is a small clue.
Admirer
PS. The new blue fatigues look stunning on you.
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Admirer,
You know, I thought that Conrad was my only stalker. Apparently I was very, very wrong.
And what the hell is a nom-de-plume? I asked, but they wouldn't give me a dictionary down here…
-CS
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Commander Shepard,
Where were you when President Huerta died? I don't recall you making any statements about what they did with his body. Everyone else was chiming in! Where were you?
A Concerned Reader
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ACR,
I was DEAD.
- the Alliance's resident zombie
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Shepard,
I've got this rival. We've come across each other several times over the last few centuries, but neither of us has succeeded in defeating the other.
But I've got a problem… I'm starting to have feelings for him! Shepard, do you ever find yourself attracted to your enemies?
-Aleena
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Aleena,
Well, my mortal enemy is Harbinger.
So… no.
-Shepard
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Hey Shepard!
It's your buddy, Conrad! Conrad Verner!
So I joined up with a group that said they could train me up to be a soldier way faster than the Alliance. I won't say the name but I think you'll be proud of me!
Your #1 fan and soon-to-be comrade-in-arms,
Conrad Verner
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Conrad,
Are you trying to tell me that you've joined up with Cerberus? Conrad… no. Just no.
Does this mean I'm going to have to bail your ass out again?
Shepard
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My darling,
I regret that I haven't the time for a longer note, but I wanted to drop a line to tell you—nom-de-plume means pen name.
I am certain that with your intelligence, you can figure it out, my dear.
Admirer
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Oh my God. OH MY GOD.
Admirer = Admiral?
ANDERSON IF THAT IS YOU I SWEAR…
- a very traumatized Shepard
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Commander,
Everyone at home wants to know the truth about your Cerberus ties. We all know you work for them. You must have cut some kind of deal with the devil. They gave you a ship and crew and everything!
And tell the truth—where were you really for those two years? What did they do to you?
With sincerity,
A Friend
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Kaidan, is that you?
God damn it, how many times do I have to tell you the truth before it gets through that thick skull of yours?
Let me lay it on the line here: I was dead. DEAD. Yes, Cerberus spent a fuckton of money to bring me back, for the sole purpose of saving the disappearing colonists. Even the assholes at Cerberus care about that—they were HUMAN colonies after all.
So I used their ship, their money, and their people to destroy the collector base. And then I told Cerberus to fuck off. End of story.
But if you've got it in your stubborn-ass head not to believe me, then nothing I say will convince you.
Commander Shepard, savior of thousands of colonists
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Shepard,
If you're going to proceed to give my sister advice, you should at least try to make it good advice. (Yes, I know it's you, sis.)
Disfiguring scars? Suicide missions? She's a kid, Shepard! I expect better than that from you.
Concerned Older Sister
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COS,
If you are who I think you are, you should know better than to expect good advice from an extranet column, especially one written by me.
And hey, I told her I was bad at advice.
Shepard
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Commander,
I think I'm in love with a computer.
Is this weird? Any advice?
- Flyboy
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Flyboy,
Yeah it's weird. Totally weird.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't go for it.
- Commander Shepard, love doctor
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Commander Shepard,
Just an old friend, wanted to check in with you. I didn't know how else to contact you right now, so I'm using the column.
How are you doing? Still holding the line?
Kirrahe
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Kirrahe,
Hell yeah I'm still holding the line!
Shepard
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Commander,
I hear you're very persuasive. Yeah, I need some advice on that. How do you convince people to do what you want without violence?
If I make a mess when I kick people out of the bar, cleanup comes out of my pay.
- Honored Bar Advisor
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HBA,
I dunno, really.
I mean, threats work really well. Logic does too, sometimes.
I think I'm just incredibly charming.
- CS
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Shepard.
Where do you get off stealing ships?
I thought you claimed to have morals.
TIM
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Timmy,
The only ship I've stolen was from Cerberus, and they deserved it. So… I can't really say I care!
Shepard
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Commander,
I've noticed that your crew is incredibly loyal. In fact, I've been talking to one of your former crew, and he won't fucking shut up about how awesome you are.
How the hell do you inspire that kind of loyalty in your people? Even when you worked for Cerberus you had a wide variety races on your ship! On a goddamn suicide mission!
How the hell?
- Adrien V.
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Adrien,
Has it ever crossed your mind that I'm really that awesome?
Shepard
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Dearest,
You wound me! You are so close and yet so terribly wrong, beloved.
We shall meet again soon, and you shall know and love me. I am certain of it.
Admirer
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Admirer,
I got nothin'.
CS
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