"His wounds are healing, so I think that if he wakes up, his life won't be threatened anymore," a voice said somewhere close to him. Somewhere too close to him because even though the voice wasn't loud, the sound of it still felt like it reverberated inside his skull and tried to break it open. He felt like hell. He felt like he'd been run over by a bulldozer inside of a volcano. All of his body hurt but he didn't feel cold, and somehow, this was a relief. He didn't know what had happened to him, nor where he was. He didn't even know who he was for that matter. Somehow remembering felt important, but thinking made his head hurt even more, so he gave up.
"Don't die, please," someone else whispered even closer to him. "Don't leave me alone again." This voice didn't hurt his head as much. It seemed sad. He wanted to get closer to the whisper, to comfort it, but for that he had to be able to move his aching body. He tried to make it work but only managed to assert the damage that was done to it; burnt flesh, broken bones, other bruises... There was something else he could feel as well, two hands holding his good one. Why did he think that this was his good hand? What was wrong with the other? He tried to remember but it hurt and his left hand did not, his left arm was the only part of his body that didn't hurt...
Then he felt something warm trickle down his cheek; it was wet and warm... tears maybe? Water, He realized that he was thirsty. He tried to open his mouth to ask for something to drink but his body wouldn't cooperate. It was too much trouble, he gave up and surrendered to sleep.
When next he came around, he felt a little better; his head didn't feel like it would split open at any moment, rather it felt like a major hangover. His body was still a mess of injuries, but like the voice had said, he was healing.
"Bucky, please, come back to me." The sad whisper again. Bucky? Yes, that was him. He made an effort and managed to lift his eyelids, but the world was a blur. He tried to focus and amidst the shadows he thought he could distinguish a head; it was round and yellow and he knew that the whispering voice belonged to it. He knew this head, he had a name for it on the tip of his tongue. His tongue that was so dry... He tried to ask for water again but only a groan escaped his throat.
At the noise, he saw the blond head startle and two blue eyes stared into his.
"Bucky you're awake! Oh thank God I thought I'd lost you forever!" The voice wasn't sad anymore, but he was still thirsty. He tried again and this time his parched lips moved but no sound came out of them. It didn't matter, the head had understood: "Water? You want water don't you? I'll go get some, I'll be quick."
The face came back a few seconds later and a glass of water came to rest on top of his lips. The blond haired blue eyed head gave him slow, small sips of the delightful beverage that water was, but he still managed to choke on it. To drink was an exhausting business and once he had enough that he thought he wouldn't die of dehydration, he told the head that he was tired. This time his lips and voice managed to work together as he croaked the word "tired".
"Oh! Of course you are. I'm sorry," the head was blabbering. "I'll let you rest. You need rest to heal. Oh Bucky, I'm so glad you woke up. Promise me you'll always wake up!" He managed a weak smile, but apparently it was answer enough for the head that smiled back at him and retreated. Bucky closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.
When he woke up next, it was easier to open his eyes and his vision had improved. The blur had faded and he could clearly see the head that was resting beside his, snoring gently. The memories came back as well, at least some of them; he recognized his childhood friend, the love of his life. "Steve," he croaked.
His friend woke up with a jerk and Bucky felt bad, he hadn't meant to wake him up, Steve clearly needed his sleep, for otherwise he wouldn't be sleeping while sitting on the floor. "I'm here Buck! I'm here!" he told him, squeezing his hand that had been in his grip all along. "Do you need anything?"
Actually he was still thirsty so he asked for water again and Steve got it for him. Swallowing the liquid was easier as well. He still ached all over, but he felt more like himself, especially after he finished his glass.
His memories were partially back but they were a little fuzzy and he still didn't know where he was nor why he hurt so much so he had to ask: "What happened?"
"You nearly died trying to save me is what happened!" Steve answered.
"Apparently I didn't just try, you look better than I feel," Bucky retorted.
"Yes, you saved me and we won the war after that," Steve acknowledged. "And I thank you, but if you ever let me believe that you're dead again, I swear that I'll kill you with my own hands!"
Bucky had to laugh, but his broken ribs disagreed with the action and he coughed instead. "Don't make me laugh and I'll promise you anything."
"You took a blast for me. I think that your metal arm took most of the damage when that weapon exploded, but your body was thrown about thirty feet away, your arm has blown into tiny pieces of metal and some of them embedded themselves in your flesh. You've got burns all along your left side and plenty of broken bones, but the doctor said that you were healing quickly. Whatever serum Hydra injected you with saved your life. Again."
"And we won?" Bucky had no memory of the battle.
"Yes. When you fell and I thought that you were dead I went into a rage. I fought against Thanos like a madman."
"Thanos," Bucky repeated. He realize that Steve wasn't talking of World War Two. He thought he remembered some of it now, but it was still confusing. They were at war against the alien and had traveled in a spaceship to avenge Earth. They were on the spaceship now, he recognized the cabin they had slept in when they traveled to get there. That felt familiar, but what happened next, the battle and all, it was a giant blur in his head.
"Yes, and apparently I was enough of a distraction that the others managed to get the Infinity Stones back from him. After that, defeating Thanos was but a formality. You made a difference Buck."
"Yeah, I was out cold the whole time you mean," Bucky said. "How are the others?"
"Some broken bones, burns, cuts and other bumps and bruises. No fatalities and nothing as serious as your injuries though." Steve informed him.
"Good, I don't wish anyone who's not an enemy to feel the way I feel right now," Bucky sighed.
"Yeah, go back to sleep and heal,"Steve told him.
"OK, but you go to sleep too," Bucky advised him, "you look like hell."
"You sure you'll be OK without me?"
"Yes I will, your bed is barely three feet away from here and I'm not going anywhere Steve," He had to reassure his friend.
"Bucky?" Steve asked tentatively after he had gone to lie down on his bunk.
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry, it's OK, it can wait until tomorrow," Steve said mysteriously. "Good night."
"Good night Steve."
"Hold him down Captain Rogers, I think he's waking up," a strange voice was saying. Bucky was in agony as he felt hands touching the injuries on his left side and he screamed his pain out.
"I'm sorry Buck, but we have to change your dressings," he heard Steve tell him, sorrow in his voice.
Bucky could not respond, could not open his eyes, could do nothing but scream and cry; he was locked inside the pain.
"See how his cuts are closing and his burns healing? He'll be fine soon although his bones will need more time to mend than his flesh. Also we'll have to feed him or he will waste away," the voice again. They had stopped touching him and he thought he could open his eyelids, but then the hands came back on his body and the pain was back with it; he felt himself passing out, his mind escaping from his flesh.
When he opened his eyes next, Steve was beside him, sitting on the floor again and holding his hand. "Good morning," his friend greeted him.
"Morning," Bucky croaked.
"Do you think you can sit up?" Steve asked him. "I have to feed you some broth. Doctor's orders..."
"I'll try," he said before forcing his body to move. The pain was back and he saw spots of light clouding his vision and thought he would pass out again, but then Steve had gotten a couple of pillows behind his back and after Bucky fell on them, the pain receded and his vision cleared.
Once Steve saw that his dizziness had passed, he brought a bowl and began spooning him some broth. Bucky couldn't remember ever eating something as delicious and felt a lot better after he had emptied the bowl. Then Steve came with a tissue to clean his face, as eating hasn't been that easy and some of the broth hadn't made it to his mouth. As he wiped the spilled liquid away, Steve looked at him in a most unnerving way. Bucky couldn't read his friend's facial expression and that made him uneasy because he could always know what Steve thought from looking into his eyes, so he had to blurt out: "What?"
"Hmm?" was Steve's only answer.
"What's on your mind? You look weird," he explained.
"I've just been thinking. I've done lots of thinking," Steve confessed, "since you got injured and nearly died."
"And?" Bucky wanted to know. He would pull it out of him tiny bit by tiny bit if he had to, but he needed to understand what was wrong with his best friend.
"You know that talk we had on the first day of the journey...You said we would worry about it once we had won the war, and now we have and I can't stop thinking about it."
Bucky thought he could remember it, they had talked about love and sex and marriage. "Are you still depressed about Sharon?" he asked.
"I still mourn her, but weirdly enough I'm not depressed anymore. I thought about all that you said and I think that I realized something," Steve began, but then stopped talking and turned beet red.
"Get out with it!" Bucky pressed him.
"You told me that love was being completely at ease with the other, telling them everything, being lonely when they were gone..."
"That's what my mother told me," Bucky acknowledged.
"I've never felt that way around Peggy and Sharon..." Steve let out a really deep sigh. "You will think me weird."
He had stopped talking again so Bucky prompted him: "You told me that your were still a virgin Steve. I think that you can tell me everything..."
"That's it Bucky. I can tell you everything," Steve pointed out. "I have gone mad with grief when I thought you were dead and when we got you back and you were between life and death I tried to imagine life without you and could not picture it. There was no Hydra to fight anymore, no Thanos to defeat, no war to win to save the world, without that and without you there was no sense to keep going... What I'm trying to say is... I think that I'm in love with you Bucky."
Bucky was stunned into shock by the words. He froze for a while trying to make sense of the situation: "Steve? Did you gave me some pain med? I think that I just had an hallucination where you told me that you loved me."
"Don't make fun of me!" Steve chided him. "You're not hallucinating and unfortunately we don't have pain med."
"Yeah you're right, no pain med, I still hurt too much. A pain hallucination then? The raccoon and the tree make sense if it's all a hallucination," Bucky felt giddy and couldn't stop blabbering. "Captain Steve Rogers can't be in love with me. He's not queer like me, he loves girls. My mind's just creating this scene because I love him so much."
"You do?" the hallucination interrupted him. "How long have you known?"
"I've always known," Bucky confessed easily because nothing was true, it was all in his head.
"Why didn't you tell me anything?" imaginary Steve asked outraged.
"Before the serum you were so thin and weak, had I told you and if you felt the same way, people would have found out and they would have beaten you to death. I couldn't risk that. If you didn't feel the same way then why shaming myself confessing? And after the serum you were in love with Peggy. There was no point telling you then," Bucky explained.
"OK, so I'm in love with you and you are in love with me," Steve recapitulated.
Bucky corrected him: "No! I'm in love with you and you are a hallucination."
"What do I have to do to prove you that I'm real?" Steve whined.
"Kiss me," Bucky suggested. "I'll know if you're real or not if you do. And if you're real, you'll realize that you're grossed out and that you're no queer."
"OK," Steve agreed before plunging towards his face, bumping their noses, pressing his lips to Bucky's in the most awkward kiss ever. "Was that real enough for you?"
He thought about it, never in his wildest fantasies did he and Steve kiss that badly, so he faced the truth: "Yeah, OK you're real, otherwise you wouldn't have managed to hurt my nose that was one of the rare body parts that was painless before. What about you? Did you realize that this kiss was awful and that you do not like men that way?"
"Granted this kiss was awkward, but you made it weird," Steve whimpered. "A kiss should be spontaneous..."
Steve was too cute, Bucky couldn't resist but lean forward and kiss those pouting lips. He managed to angle his face correctly so that their noses were out of the way; he even managed to slip his tongue inside of Steve's startled open mouth before the pain of moving his damaged body caught back to him and he fainted back into oblivion.
Bucky opened his eyes to find Steve still sitting on the floor just next to him keeping watch. "Welcome back," his friend greeted him.
"I've had the strangest dreams," Bucky began.
"If it was a dream where I told you that I loved you, then it wasn't a dream, nor a hallucination, and kissing you didn't gross me out," Steve grouched.
"OK," Bucky just said. Steve was in a bad mood, it was time to shut up.
"I have more broth for you, do you think you can sit up without fainting?" Steve asked curtly.
"I think so," Bucky answered lifting his upper body. He did feel better, moving hurt a little less. He ate in silence, fearing his best friend's bad temper and feeling a little ashamed. He hadn't dealt well with their previous conversation. In his defense he had been in love with Steve for so long and in his injured state a hallucination or a dream was more probable than his best friend discovering that he had feelings for him as well.
Once his bowl of soup was empty he tried to make amend: "I'm sorry Steve, I've been acting like an ass. But I've had feelings for you for so long, it was hard to believe that you're finally returning them."
"Well," Steve answered apparently mollified by the apology, "had I not been such an idiot, it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure it out. And I'm sorry for the horrible kisses..."
"The first one was, but the second was better wasn't it?"
"You passed out!" Steve exclaimed.
"Out of bliss!" Bucky argued.
"Out of pain!" Steve wasn't fooled. "You nearly died and I'm bothering you with all this, I'm an awful friend..."
"No you're not," Bucky contradicted him. "You're my best friend, always were, always will be whatever happens. Don't beat yourself up, I know that I'm to blame as well."
Steve smiled at him, took his hand and gazed at him amorously. Bucky smiled back and tentatively moved his thumb to stroke his friend's knuckles and managed to do it with little to no pain. Encouraged by that he raised his torso a little higher and turned his head towards his left side to look at his injured body. Steve got immediately worried: "Do you want to pass out again?"
He grunted, the position was painful, but it was bearable: "I'm OK Steve." He had already gathered that most of his torso was bandaged, but he found out that he also had one splintered leg. He let himself fall back on the pillows. "So, I've lost my arm... again. Too bad, I liked this one."
"You did? It was quite plain..."
"It worked well enough and most of all, it wasn't Hydra made." Bucky pointed out.
"Yeah," Steve chuckled. "That's definitely an improvement."
They sat in companionable silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Bucky wondered if he could try to kiss Steve again as his friend had not made a move on him since the last time. Apparently he felt well enough to try, so why not give it a go? Then another thought crossed his mind that he had to share with Steve: "So, I'm in love with you, you're in love with me, that's fine but, don't I have to go back in cryo once we reach home?"
"Don't you remember?" his friend asked, a concerned look on his face.
"Remember what?"
"The day after we had that conversation on the ship, we were all together and you said you were worried that somehow Thanos or someone else might try to control you and turn you against us. The doc heard you and offered to help and he... 'cured' you."
"The same doc who has no pain med? Can we really trust him?" Bucky asked anxiously. He didn't remember any of that.
"You really don't remember Doctor Stephen Strange?"
Bucky frowned and shook his head no, but the name brought back a picture, the two most unnerving blue eyes he had ever seen on someone.
"Well, he didn't join the team for his medical abilities," Steve explained, "he has mystical powers and he used them to channel the power of the stones in our advantage. He fixed you with his magic, you don't have to worry about being brain washed again."
"He sucks at being a doctor though," Bucky complained.
"Well he had a lot of injuries to treat with next to no medical supply," Steve took Doctor Strange's defense. "The ship got hit during the battle and the sickbay took all the damage. We couldn't salvage most of it. As we speak, those of us who are able-bodied are fixing the ship so that we can go home."
"And you're not among them?" Bucky wondered.
"The doc said that you needed someone constantly by your side, so I volunteered... But I'll help them once you feel better; if they haven't finished by then." Steve added.
"Thank you," Bucky said, raising his hand to caress Steve's stubbly cheek, his friend looked like hell. "But I am better, you can take care of yourself for a bit. Stretch your legs, eat, rest and shave. At this rate, you'll soon look worse than I do."
"I don't want to leave you," Steve whined.
"That's an order Captain!" he commended his friend, although he was of lesser rank.
"You must be OK if you feel like you can order me around, Sergeant." Steve chuckled. "I'm off then, but go back to sleep as well." He rose to go but not before planting a gentle kiss on Bucky's lips.
"That's what my mother told me," Bucky acknowledged.
"I've never felt that way around Peggy and Sharon..." Steve let out a really deep sigh. "You will think me weird."
He had stopped talking again so Bucky prompted him: "You told me that your were still a virgin Steve. I think that you can tell me everything..."
"That's it Bucky. I can tell you everything," Steve pointed out. "I have gone mad with grief when I thought you were dead and when we got you back and you were between life and death I tried to imagine life without you and could not picture it. There was no Hydra to fight anymore, no Thanos to defeat, no war to win to save the world, without that and without you there was no sense to keep going... What I'm trying to say is... I think that I'm in love with you Bucky."
Bucky was stunned into shock by the words. He froze for a while trying to make sense of the situation: "Steve? Did you gave me some pain med? I think that I just had an hallucination where you told me that you loved me."
"Don't make fun of me!" Steve chided him. "You're not hallucinating and unfortunately we don't have pain med."
"Yeah you're right, no pain med, I still hurt too much. A pain hallucination then? The raccoon and the tree make sense if it's all a hallucination," Bucky felt giddy and couldn't stop blabbering. "Captain Steve Rogers can't be in love with me. He's not queer like me, he loves girls. My mind's just creating this scene because I love him so much."
"You do?" the hallucination interrupted him. "How long have you known?"
"I've always known," Bucky confessed easily because nothing was true, it was all in his head.
"Why didn't you tell me anything?" imaginary Steve asked outraged.
"Before the serum you were so thin and weak, had I told you and if you felt the same way, people would have found out and they would have beaten you to death. I couldn't risk that. If you didn't feel the same way then why shaming myself confessing? And after the serum you were in love with Peggy. There was no point telling you then," Bucky explained.
"OK, so I'm in love with you and you are in love with me," Steve recapitulated.
Bucky corrected him: "No! I'm in love with you and you are a hallucination."
"What do I have to do to prove you that I'm real?" Steve whined.
"Kiss me," Bucky suggested. "I'll know if you're real or not if you do. And if you're real, you'll realize that you're grossed out and that you're no queer."
"OK," Steve agreed before plunging towards his face, bumping their noses, pressing his lips to Bucky's in the most awkward kiss ever. "Was that real enough for you?"
He thought about it, never in his wildest fantasies did he and Steve kiss that badly, so he faced the truth: "Yeah, OK you're real, otherwise you wouldn't have managed to hurt my nose that was one of the rare body parts that was painless before. What about you? Did you realize that this kiss was awful and that you do not like men that way?"
"Granted this kiss was awkward, but you made it weird," Steve whimpered. "A kiss should be spontaneous..."
Steve was too cute, Bucky couldn't resist but lean forward and kiss those pouting lips. He managed to angle his face correctly so that their noses were out of the way; he even managed to slip his tongue inside of Steve's startled open mouth before the pain of moving his damaged body caught back to him and he fainted back into oblivion.
Bucky opened his eyes to find Steve still sitting on the floor just next to him keeping watch. "Welcome back," his friend greeted him.
"I've had the strangest dreams," Bucky began.
"If it was a dream where I told you that I loved you, then it wasn't a dream, nor a hallucination, and kissing you didn't gross me out," Steve grouched.
"OK," Bucky just said. Steve was in a bad mood, it was time to shut up.
"I have more broth for you, do you think you can sit up without fainting?" Steve asked curtly.
"I think so," Bucky answered lifting his upper body. He did feel better, moving hurt a little less. He ate in silence, fearing his best friend's bad temper and feeling a little ashamed. He hadn't dealt well with their previous conversation. In his defense he had been in love with Steve for so long and in his injured state a hallucination or a dream was more probable than his best friend discovering that he had feelings for him as well.
Once his bowl of soup was empty he tried to make amend: "I'm sorry Steve, I've been acting like an ass. But I've had feelings for you for so long, it was hard to believe that you're finally returning them."
"Well," Steve answered apparently mollified by the apology, "had I not been such an idiot, it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure it out. And I'm sorry for the horrible kisses..."
"The first one was, but the second was better wasn't it?"
"You passed out!" Steve exclaimed.
"Out of bliss!" Bucky argued.
"Out of pain!" Steve wasn't fooled. "You nearly died and I'm bothering you with all this, I'm an awful friend..."
"No you're not," Bucky contradicted him. "You're my best friend, always were, always will be whatever happens. Don't beat yourself up, I know that I'm to blame as well."
Steve smiled at him, took his hand and gazed at him amorously. Bucky smiled back and tentatively moved his thumb to stroke his friend's knuckles and managed to do it with little to no pain. Encouraged by that he raised his torso a little higher and turned his head towards his left side to look at his injured body. Steve got immediately worried: "Do you want to pass out again?"
He grunted, the position was painful, but it was bearable: "I'm OK Steve." He had already gathered that most of his torso was bandaged, but he found out that he also had one splintered leg. He let himself fall back on the pillows. "So, I've lost my arm... again. Too bad, I liked this one."
"You did? It was quite plain..."
"It worked well enough and most of all, it wasn't Hydra made." Bucky pointed out.
"Yeah," Steve chuckled. "That's definitely an improvement."
They sat in companionable silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Bucky wondered if he could try to kiss Steve again as his friend had not made a move on him since the last time. Apparently he felt well enough to try, so why not give it a go? Then another thought crossed his mind that he had to share with Steve: "So, I'm in love with you, you're in love with me, that's fine but, don't I have to go back in cryo once we reach home?"
"Don't you remember?" his friend asked, a concerned look on his face.
"Remember what?"
"The day after we had that conversation on the ship, we were all together and you said you were worried that somehow Thanos or someone else might try to control you and turn you against us. The doc heard you and offered to help and he... 'cured' you."
"The same doc who has no pain med? Can we really trust him?" Bucky asked anxiously. He didn't remember any of that.
"You really don't remember Doctor Stephen Strange?"
Bucky frowned and shook his head no, but the name brought back a picture, the two most unnerving blue eyes he had ever seen on someone.
"Well, he didn't join the team for his medical abilities," Steve explained, "he has mystical powers and he used them to channel the power of the stones in our advantage. He fixed you with his magic, you don't have to worry about being brain washed again."
"He sucks at being a doctor though," Bucky complained.
"Well he had a lot of injuries to treat with next to no medical supply," Steve took Doctor Strange's defense. "The ship got hit during the battle and the sickbay took all the damage. We couldn't salvage most of it. As we speak, those of us who are able-bodied are fixing the ship so that we can go home."
"And you're not among them?" Bucky wondered.
"The doc said that you needed someone constantly by your side, so I volunteered... But I'll help them once you feel better; if they haven't finished by then." Steve added.
"Thank you," Bucky said, raising his hand to caress Steve's stubbly cheek, his friend looked like hell. "But I am better, you can take care of yourself for a bit. Stretch your legs, eat, rest and shave. At this rate, you'll soon look worse than I do."
"I don't want to leave you," Steve whined.
"That's an order Captain!" he commended his friend, although he was of lesser rank.
"You must be OK if you feel like you can order me around, Sergeant." Steve chuckled. "I'm off then, but go back to sleep as well." He rose to go but not before planting a gentle kiss on Bucky's lips.
