AN: This chapter was reposted on 08/23/2017 for correction of grammar and punctuations mistakes.


Severus sat on the floor of his private lab, his arms draped around his knees, a few tears slowly dripping on his face. He had just said something bad to Lily and she would not forgive him. Even after he had waited for hours outside Gryffindor entrance for her to come out and talk to him. Even after he had pleaded and begged her to forgive him, she had refused, stating their friendship was over. She had told him they had been growing apart anyway, him with his nasty friends that insulted her, her with her perfect little friends that despised Severus...

It was well after curfew but Severus refused to go back to his dormitory. He could not show up there with trace of tears on his face. They would not accept he was so devastated because of her. And he needed to think. He needed to understand why he had called Lily a Mudblood when he almost never used the word. He needed to understand why she would end their seven years friendship only because of a word said in a moment of anger and humiliation.

Breathing deeply, Severus focused on occluding, banishing his current feelings for future examination.

He had begun teaching himself Occlumency when he realised the headmaster could see into minds.

Severus had once felt headmaster Dumbledore in his mind after a fight with the Marauders in their fourth year and had pushed back instinctively, expelling him from his mind. Not really understanding what had happened back then, he had as always turned to books to help him. He had quickly figured out that Dumbledore had probably used Legilimency on him to try to see his memories of the fight. He had learned that to protect one's mind from Legilimency, you needed to use Occlumency. Severus had profited from a visit to Hogsmead to buy several useful books on Occlumency and had begun its study right away.

He now was good enough to prevent Dumbledore from entering his mind, as he had made the bittersweet experience earlier this year. But Severus had also discovered that Occlumency helped with feelings. It allowed him to reign his temper in and think with a cool head instead, but that was something he still had some difficulties to achieve as today disastrous afternoon could attest. Occlumency also allowed him to review memories in his head while distancing himself from them. That was what he needed right now.

Breathing more and more deeply, Severus steeled himself and went to his memories.

The first step in learning Occlumency was to find a place where you felt safe. This place represented your inner mind and was the foundation of learning Occlumency. Indeed, the mind dealt with feelings, thoughts, the subconscious, the unconscious and the conscious. Because of its intricacy and the closeness one needed to experience with his own mind, the almost obligation to face his inner self in order to succeed in Occlumency, you needed to feel safe in your mind. Moreover, this place was to be the cornerstone of your protection against mind invasion so you needed to trust it. It was also the place where you organized your memories, more or less consciously depending on your aptitude and your mastery of Occlumency, and where you could access them voluntarily so you might as well make it a pleasant place.

Without surprise, Severus mind was his potion laboratory. He had chosen it for two reasons.

First, this laboratory was the place he felt the safest from everything. He had hesitated with his and Lily's place in the park where they had spent so much time before Hogwarts. Their friendship had had its rocky moments but she remained his ray of sun. In the end, he had decided his mind should be a place of his own, not shared with anyone as that was precisely what he wanted to protect himself from. He had also feared any evolution in his relationship with Lily would affect his safe place and impede his learning.

He snorted softly. Seemed he had been right to be cautious, as always.

Slughorn had given him access to this laboratory in his third year after Severus had asked him for a place to conduct experiments at the beginning of the school year. Slughorn had been reluctant at first, Severus was not part of the Slugh club as he was neither influential in school nor had he powerful family members. The few times he had been at the club parties was when Lily had brought him. She was a member because as every teacher, Slughorn was under her spell and saw a bright future for her with powerful connections. She was also his star pupil. Severus knew he was the better potioner but Slughorn was biased and often gave her a slightly better grade, even when they worked on a project together. Still, Severus had been determined to have a place to brew by himself when he wanted to and he had told the professor to test him on anything he deemed necessary to prove that Severus knew what he was doing and would not harm himself on his own. Seeing his student determination, Slughorn had asked him to brew several potions, some with an incomplete or wrong recipe to see how Severus would handle it. He also tested him on spells used to vanish or contain potions gone wrong as well as shields to protect himself should a potion explode. Severus breezed through it all and Slughorn, impressed despite himself, allowed him access to a small private lab protected by a password set by Severus that could only be overruled by a teacher. Of course, Slughorn warned him that at the first incident, he would revoke this privilege.

For the first time Slughorn really took notice of him and officially invited him to join the Slug club. Severus did not go often but it had made his chest swell a little to finally have his talent recognized by someone of the field.

The second reason Severus had chosen the lab was that anyone having even only heard of him knew he loved potions. Even if they managed to get past his defences to enter his inner mind, they would not be surprised to see him brew in his potions lab. They would be unsure if they were really in his mind or in one of his memory and it could give him the advantage needed to throw them out of his mind.

As it was, his potion lab was very practical to defend his mind. He now was good enough to have the fumes of the potions brewing constantly protecting his mind, hiding his very thoughts behind a slight fog he could thicken if needed. The flames under the cauldrons could grow and attack an intruder, the potions ingredients could morph into hideous defences. As a last resort or if taken by surprise, a large pewter cauldron would either block an intruder access or hit and eject him from Severus mind. Severus was still working on other defences, especially on the subtle one consisting in projecting false feelings and memories without a legilimens being able to detect it, but in little more than a year, he felt he had made good progresses.

Finding himself in his familiar lab, Severus walked past the ingredients shelves to the potions shelves. He pressed on one vial and the shelve slid, allowing him to enter a storage room full of potions. Thinking about where he wanted to begin, he let his feet guide him to his first year shelve where one vial came out for him to open and pour out, not a potion, but a memory.

It was the beginning of his first year, Lily was walking to the Gryffindor tables. Severus remembered how it had hurt, knowing he could never get sorted in this house even if his life had depended on it. He watched with a sneer as Potter joined her. At the time, he had not cared but now...

His turn came, and his small younger safe disappeared under the talking hat.

"Ah, you're the one the little Evans girl wanted so much to be with, even if it meant not going to the house which would help her reach her full potential."

"She really tried to follow the plan?" Asked young Severus, not even surprised that a hat was talking in his head, so relieved he was that Lily had not let him down the moment she was in the magical world.

The hat chuckled.

"Indeed she tried, a fierce temper this one. But you are the one in need of a sorting right now. Let me see. Well, it seems you already know where you're going to be. I'm afraid I can't let you go to Ravenclaw, they would not survive your tongue coupled with your brilliance. Yes, you can only go to ..."

" Slytherin! " the hat bellowed.

Severus watched as he walked to his house table under a thunder of applauses. He frowned as he realised that during his first year, every firstie had had the same amount of congratulatory acclamations. On the contrary, this year, the Slytherins had only received their house applause as well as a few from Ravenclaw. Gryffindors had received congratulations from every house except Slytherin. Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff had received applauses from all the houses, but nothing as loud and enthusiastic as in his first year. It was only the tip of the iceberg but so revealing of the changes and the fracture the school - and the wizarding world - had gone through in mere five years.

His younger self was tentatively talking with Evan and Jonathan. He smiled, seeing his friends so young and unguarded. They had been fast friends, even if they did not become close before some time, as befit a Slytherin worth his salt. At first, they had been drawn together because of their table seating on the sorting night, because they shared a dorm and because they stuck a deal after their first week: Evan Rosier and Jonathan Wilkes, who were both Purebloods and had grown up living in the wizarding world, agreed to teach Severus about wizard politics and pureblood families in exchange of Severus helping them with potions.

The memory changed. His young self was walking Hogwarts' grounds with Lily, slowly making their way towards Hagrid's hut. Lily had been impressed with Hagrid when he had led them in the boats the night of their sorting and had decided to try and become friend with him. Young Severus had followed reluctantly, the man was huge and did not look quite tame.

Severus smiled sadly. They had not visited Hagrid since fourth year and only because of Lily insistence. The man had not seemed sure of how to approach Severus since third year and the incident.

The friendship between Lily and him had surprised people because it was a rare occurrence to see a Gryffindor and Slytherin friends by their own. You could find some in larger groups that included Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs, but rarely only the two houses. Still, nobody had frown upon it and Lily and he had happily studied together, with some of their friends sometimes joining them.

That was not to say Lily and he had not been watched the first month, mostly because of concerned parties for his safety if you could believe it. Remembering his first night in Slytherin, Severus let the memory unfold in his mind.

Lucius Malfoy, the then seven year Slytherin prefect, had led the first years into the common room after the feast. Most of them were tired after their busy day but it was Slytherin tradition to welcome and warn its newest additions on their first night.

Lucius ordered them to sit but not too comfortably as they needed to stay awake.

"Welcome to the noble house of Slytherin", began Lucius. "We will be your family for the next seven years. Our head of House is Professor Horace Slughorn, the potion professor."

Lucius paused, making sure the eleven years old were all paying attention.

"First, let me tell you about Salazar Slytherin, our founder. His story will help you understand the rules I will tell you afterwards."

Severus smiled. Lucius was a very good orator as well as a compelling storyteller. Combined with the majestic surroundings of the common room and its intimate lighting, the first years were hanging onto his every word.

"Salazar Slytherin was one of the four founders of Hogwarts. He had a mastery in Potions, Arithmancy and the Dark Arts, as well as in the healing arts. He was one of the first known parseltongues, meaning he could understand and talk to snakes. We think it is one of the reasons he chose one as his school crest, as well as appreciating their utility in potions. Contrary to what some says, he did not hate Muggles, but he was wary of them. You must keep in mind that in Slytherin's time, Muggles were not as advanced as Wizards as they had not yet learned to compensate their lack of magic. As such, their hygiene and medicine were close to non-existent, which led to several great pandemics and millions of deaths. Most of them were also illiterate, superstitious and afraid of magic. For these reasons, Salazar advocated against contacts between Muggles and Wizards. Several years after the creation of our school, Muggles began burning those they suspected of witchery, as they called it. Many Muggleborns died in these times, often murdered by their own family at their first accidental magic because they were believed to have been cursed by the Devil. Slytherin's own wife was murdered by Muggles who had seen her heal a child with magic. After her death, Salazar asked for Muggleborns to be taken from their family and adopted by a magical family as soon as their names appeared in Hogwarts' registering book."

Lucius paused.

"For those who do not know it, Hogwarts' registering book was created by Helena Ravenclaw. The name of every English magical child appears in it when his magic first become active. The year of his eleventh birthday, his name is transferred to the inscription book if he is deemed powerful enough. Hogwarts is the only English school for the powerful in magic. Several others smaller schools exist for those who would exhaust their magical core after only a few spells. These schools teach mostly magical theory as well as how to limit the strain on their students' magical core when they cast a spell."

Severus remembered being surprised about this information, but in retrospect he should have guessed Hogwarts could not be the only magical school in England. However, it disturbed him to think one could have less magic than Crabb and Goyle, two of Lucius associates that had barely graduated from Hogwarts. But weak in power did not mean as stupid as these two were. In Severus third year, a new broom called the Comet 31 had come out. It was a big commercial success and he had learned from Jonathan that it had been conceived by one of this smaller schools' alumni.

Lucius exaggerated a sigh.

"Sadly, none of the others agreed with Salazar. Godric Gryffindor, in particular, was firmly against it because he believed family was sacred. Slytherin and Gryffindor had been friends since their youth despite numerous differences in opinion, but this time it was too much for Salazar. They had a big row. Some even say they fought each other with magic over the Muggleborns situation. In the end, Rowena Ravenclaw and Helga Hufflepuff sided with Godric and Salazar retired to his home, abandoning the school he had co-created."

Lucius paused and let his eyes roam the attentive first years, stopping on a few of them including young Severus. Severus now knew Lucius had been making the count of the non-Purebloods among the first years and gauging their reactions.

"Now, Slytherin did not completely abandon his little snakes who needed his guidance more than ever. He gave them rules to protect them."

The eleven years old fretted a little and Lucius gave them a reassuring smile.

"One, we are a family. As such, we stand united in front of adversity no matter the dissensions that may exist inside the family. It means we keep our problems with each other inside the common room. It means we help each other when attacked by strangers."

Young Severus had loved that rule. He had thought he had finally find people he belonged with, other than Lily and Mother.

"Two, be wary of Muggles. I know a few of you are Muggleborns, or even Half-bloods. Knowing what happened to some of my ancestors as well as to several Muggleborns in the upper years, I encourage you to be careful when you go back home and to always carry your wand with you. Also, keep in mind that your family may love you enough to accept you despite your magic but might not be as tolerant with your wizard friends."

Young Severus could only agree with this rule, he knew far too well to avoid his father as much as he could. Moreover, while Lily's family loved her and was very proud of her magic, they had not been so welcoming of Severus and remained cautiously polite with him. Of course, it might have more to do with his social standing than with him being a wizard.

Still, young Severus had been intrigued by the level of care this rule demonstrated for the well-being of the students. During one of their later lessons, Evan explained to him that the wizarding world was very harsh on child abusers because most families only managed to bear one or two children. Children murderers and abusers received the most severe penalty existing in the wizarding world, meaning the kiss of a Dementor that left their body bereft of their soul, to slowly rot away. It was said the Dementors tortured the souls they absorbed until their own death. No wizarding way was known to kill a Dementor, and no one knew how long they lived, apart from the fact that the ministry replaced only a few of them every ten years as one day they disappeared without a trace. No one knew for sure their disappearance equalled with their death so it promised to be an almost eternal torment. Severus was not sure he liked the idea of eternal torment as punishment but he had to admit it was an efficient deterrent for those who were tempted. In addition, any wizard witnessing a child being abused or worst was allowed to use any means, even Unforgivables, to apprehend the perpetrator. Each unforgivable violated a person in a way, Imperius who controlled the person it was used onto, Crucio who made you felt excruciating pain worse than anything possible, and Avada Kedavra that killed without leaving a trace. Yes, young Severus had quickly realised wizards protected their children fiercely. Unfortunately, it did not apply to muggle parents who depended of the muggle law. Severus had asked Evan about Half-bloods and been disappointed. Those living in a wizarding area depended of the wizarding law, those living among Muggles depended of the muggle law.

I am always so lucky, thought Severus wryly.

"Three", said Lucius, "you will always conduct yourself with the proper decorum of a well-born wizard. Those who did not understand what the previous words entailed must find someone to teach them how to behave."

Severus smiled. That rule had forced him to ask Evan for help. He had waited a week to see which of his peers seemed both the more knowledgeable and the less likely to refuse his request. He had been self-conscious, having never asked for help before, and almost turned tail to search a book on proper wizard behaviour. Thankfully Evan had not let him and had profited of his poor attempt to propose him a deal: lessons on wizard behaviour and politics against potions tutoring. Evan had been the one to add Jonathan in the deal, and none of them had regretted it. Severus was very grateful for this rule as he had learned a lot - he sometimes ranted silently against Mother for not having taught him this information that was essential to his survival and ascension in this world - but also because of the two friends he made thanks to it.

"Finally, the fourth rule. The first, second and third years are not to be involved in political games and alliances. If one older year tries to, you must go to a prefect immediately.".

Severus had not understood the rule at the time. It became clear in his fourth year.

Another memory came into view.

Eleven years old Severus was scrupulously if doubtfully following his book potions recipe during his first potion lesson. It was really weird and uncomfortable for him who had always build his potion recipes from scratch. What was more infuriating was that he was certain this recipe could be greatly improved by tweaking a few instructions here and there. Even more maddening, he knew with deep certainty that his recipe from home with different ingredients would work even better and took less time to brew. But he had decided to try a common recipe once to see how it would turn out, and he was sticking to his decision even if it was painful to.

In the end, Slughorn claimed that his potion was perfect, as well as Lily's, but Severus was determined to never again follow anyone else recipe without studying it and improving it beforehand. Indeed, the simple healing burns salve they had made was slightly off-colour comparing to the one he regularly made at home and he knew his own was the right one, even if the professor was too colour-blind or losing his eyesight to realise it.

From then on, Severus either took his home recipe if he had already brewed the potion or created a new one before comparing it with the potion book. He sometimes had to make adjustments because his own recipe used ingredients that were not in the common one and Slughorn would certainly not allow him to use them, but he did manage some improvements by switching the orders the ingredient were added in, putting a different quantity of ingredients than instructed or simply stirring clockwise instead of anticlockwise.

Slughorn never noticed and Severus made a game with Lily to see which recipe would take the less time to make and obtain the better potion. Severus always got top notes but so did Lily who was clearly Slughorn favourite student. It did not matter to the younger Severus as long as his grade was Outstanding. Potions were the subject he loved, but he also was among the top students for every subject except in transfiguration.

Severus smiled, remembering the first time Lucius had graciously taken the time to tutor him after several failed sessions from Jonathan.

It was about two months in the year, and eleven years old Severus was desperately trying to practice turning his matchstick into a needle. Severus was behind all his classmates in transfiguration, on the verge of failing. His class practicals were disastrous; his essays barely got A's. Transfiguration had already been his hardest subject back home. It was the only subject he had remained on Mother basic books and had finished them just before Hogwarts. Mother had never let him practice at home for two reasons. First, the Prince were notorious not to excel in transfiguration and Mother was no exception. She had barely passed her OWL and so had not dared to supervise Severus. Second, transfiguration demanded a fair amount of magic and she had been afraid of Severus depleting his magical core and hurting himself as he was not eleven. As such, young Severus was definitely behind and lost.

Severus watched Lucius observed his younger self from his armchair, obviously debating with himself on whether or not go to help him. After several minutes, Lucius got up and approached the table were a forlorn Severus was reading his book instructions for the umpteen time.

"Having some difficulty?"

Severus flinched a little, berating himself for not having heard the prefect coming. He looked up to the older student to see a genuinely interested look. He had not been aware at the time that his unusual way of preparing for potion classes and its results had been noticed and given him a reputation among his year which had reached Lucius ears. The prefect had been curious to see what an alleged genius could struggle with.

Seeing his last chance to potentially avoid a disaster and finally manage what all his classmates had for several weeks, Severus began talking rapidly and desperately.

"Well, I can't seem to make sense of the transfiguration instructions to change this stick into a needle. The best I have ever managed is a grey stick. It's just I don't understand how those rules make the stick into a needle, and I never manage what I don't understand. Already at home, I only made it through Mother's basic books and I never had the chance to practice then."

Severus stopped, miserably looking at the older student with almost pleading eyes.

It was such a pitiful sight Lucius seated himself.

"Come on, tell me exactly what you do not understand."

They spent two hours together. To Lucius amazement, he had to go as far as fourth year theory to answer Severus questions. The root of the problem was, as Severus said, that he could not do something he did not understand. That was a handicap in a matter as complex as transfiguration were the fundamental rules were introduced progressively during the seven years curriculum, simplified in the first years then with added subtleties from fourth year. Severus asked too many questions that could not be answered with the simplified version. Adding to this that he had never seen something transfigured before coming to Hogwarts, unconsciously making it more difficult to believe it was possible, and that he was -as all Prince- as far from a natural as possible, it was no wonder Severus struggled.

Naturals had an affinity for their subject. Unconsciously, they sensed the magic that came into play during the transformation and knew when it was doing was it should, and when it was not. Lucius had tried to make parallels between Potions and Transfigurations and discovered with amazement that Severus was not only gifted at potions but a natural at it.

" When you transfigure something, you need to recall the rules that apply to what you want to achieve in order to guide your magic along the transfiguration process and not try to force it to do something it cannot. It is in part the same as with potions. You know the reactions between ingredients and from it you deduce their order and your stirring to guide your potion into completion." said Lucius to his attentive pupil.

Young Severus frowned.

"But in potion, if you are attentive enough, you usually sense when you need to stop stirring. And before adding an ingredient, you hold it above your cauldron to sense if it will unbalance the potion."

Lucius gaped at him.

"Severus, the vast majority of people do not sense this, they only follow potions recipes and rules. While your magic must guide the process on transfiguration, it becomes instinctual once you have mastered the concept. It means once you have managed to transform a matchstick into a needle enough times, you do not need to consciously guide your magic anymore because it remembers how to. On the contrary, most wizard do not sense their magic work in potions, it remains unconscious and they only rely on the established rules. I know it is very difficult to awake your magical sense of potions, it is taught during potion apprenticeship but few managed it. It is what makes the difference between the different potion makers. You might achieve Master potion grade I if you are already as advanced."

Severus had been surprised and elated. In potion making, you had the Potioners, working at home like his Mother or owning a shop like apothecaries, for common potions. Then you had Masters potion grade III for the more difficult potions. The Masters potion grade II were mostly researchers that improved known recipes but sometimes brew difficult potions too. Masters potion grade I were the ones who truly invented world changing potions. They were rare and according to Lucius, magical sensing of potion was mandatory for grade I and II.

After this revelation, Young Severus had with difficulty pushed his joy aside to continue the study session. Lucius had explained that Potter was probably a natural in transfiguration as Severus had seen him managed any kind of transfiguration on his first try. It meant he did not have think about guiding his magic as it did what he needed it to unconsciously. Lucius had told him that their year was very impressive as he had only known two naturals, one in Charms, the other in Herbology, in his seventh years at Hogwarts.

As for Severus, it would take a long time and intense study to at least reach his peers level in transfiguration. Lucius explained that Severus would have to study transfiguration concepts from fourth years and above to understand the various kinds of transfiguration he would need to learn from first to third year. Indeed, Professor McGonagall introduced simple transfiguration of every possible kind in the first three years. She deepened their understanding of theory in fourth and fifth years, and for those taking the NEWTS, she had them working from the concepts and rules to create their own transfigurations. If Severus was studious, he would have a very hard time getting passing grades the first three years, but should improve impressively in the years above as he would already understand the more complex theory.

Lucius advised him to spend less time on subjects he breezed through and gave him titles of books he could find in the library that would help him. He insisted on the fact that Severus should not discourage himself as his efforts would not show immediately and not be impressive at first. He also told him not to hesitate to solicit him if the books were not enough.

Severus had thanked his prefect profusely and from then on, Lucius had taken the role of mentor for the young boy, always making time for him when asked. To the delight of Severus, he even spent a few evenings playing chess with Severus or teaching him gobstones on his own initiative.

It was Severus best year ever. He was among the top students for every subject except, obviously, in transfiguration and he firmly decided to buy more books that Lucius had recommended on the subject during summer to improve. Even more important, he now had three friends and a mentor.

Yes, thought the older Severus bitterly, it had been his best year ever. He could hardly remember how happy and innocent he had still been, despite his home life.

Leaving the first year shelves, he went to the second year where a vial presented itself, ready to be seen.