Don woke to insistent knocking on his door. Groggily, he checked his watch before sitting up. 7:30 in the morning. He had been asleep for just under two hours. Why the hell would someone be banging on his door at 7:30 a.m.?
With a groan, Don rose from the couch. He was still wearing his suit pants and dress socks from the night before, the rest of his clothes crumpled in a pile beside the couch. The knocking grew louder as he stiffly made his way to the door. Stifling a yawn, Don opened the door. There stood Charlie, one hand raised, mid-knock.
"Hey Don! We didn't hear from you last night, so I thought I'd bring by some breakfast on my way to CalSci."
Don looked down at the bag in Charlie's other hand. It looked like he'd brought donuts and coffee. "Charlie, you know what people say about cops and donuts," he joked. It was amazing that he could joke on this little sleep, especially after last night. "We raided those two houses last night, it was early this morning when it was over. You would have already been asleep."
Charlie stepped into the apartment, relief washing over his face. "Dad and I were worried that you might have been hurt." He cut off his remarks at an annoyed glance from Don. "Well, we were," the professor stated defensively. He knew better than to ask about how the raid had gone. Don was home, which meant they had found the girls, but his face and his stance showed that they hadn't saved them. Still, Charlie knew that he shouldn't push Don to tell him anything. The FBI agent would tell him when he was ready. If he was ever ready.
Don flipped on the lights inside his apartment as he led the way to the kitchen. When he turned around to face Charlie, the mathematician's gaze drifted to his shoulder. The shoulder with ten fresh lines. Then to the other shoulder, a mess of thin scars. Then back to the new injuries.
Damn, Don thought. He'd forgotten to put on a shirt before he answered the door. "I'll be right back, okay buddy?" Charlie nodded, still watching Don's shoulder. Don left the room quickly so he could find a new undershirt to wear.
When he returned to the kitchen, Charlie still looked stunned. Don tried to smile normally at his brother as he pulled the donuts and coffee out of the bag. "Thanks for the breakfast, Chuck." Charlie didn't respond to Don's teasing. "Hey, buddy, I'm alright. Okay?"
Slowly, Charlie nodded, his eyes moving back up to meet his older brothers'. Don could see the confusion in his little brother's eyes, but didn't want to deal with it. Not today. "Well, I suppose I should be getting to CalSci pretty soon." Charlie's voice caught mid-sentence. With suddenly quick movements, Charlie grabbed one of the coffees and a donut and nearly ran out the door of Don's apartment. Now it was Don's turn to stare after his brother, stunned.
After swallowing the last piece of his donut and the last bit of coffee, Don decided to shower. Showering and shaving were incredibly relaxing, and Don contemplated lying back down for a nap. Since they'd executed a late night raid, his team wasn't expected to come in quite as early as usual, but he couldn't show up too late. Settling for a travel mug of instant coffee, Don headed out the door. Traffic was a little worse than normal, but nothing outrageous. All said and done, Don rolled into the office at 8:30. Just one hour and two coffees since Charlie had so rudely woken him up.
Megan Reeves was already at her desk working, but David and Colby hadn't shown up yet. As Don sat down and started to work on some never-ending paperwork, Megan kept shooting him glances. The team leader didn't think anything of it for the first few minutes, but having her looking at him every time he glanced up was starting to get annoying. "Reeves, something you want to say to me?" he teased. Megan opened her mouth, about to respond when David strolled into the office.
David greeted the other two members of his team, although with a bit less enthusiasm than normal. It had been a long night for all of them. Colby came in shortly after David, obviously thrilled to be sitting down to a desk full of mundane paperwork. Colby had only been working for half an hour before Don heard him muttering something about "just want to sleep" and "stupid government forms." The team leader couldn't help but smile at the younger agent's remarks, but looking around brought his gaze back to Megan. She was still watching him.
When Don caught her eye, he raised his eyebrows in the obvious question. Megan hesitated for a moment before nodding and standing. Don still wasn't quite sure what to expect from her. As she closed the gap to his desk, she jerked her head toward one of the glassed-in conference rooms. The clear boards in the room were still covered in Charlie's equations from the kidnapping case. Sighing, Don stood and followed Megan into the room. She closed the door behind them. Again, Don raised an eyebrow at her, but decided to vocalize the question this time. "So, what's this all about, Megan?"
Megan still seemed reluctant to talk, but Don was starting to get impatient. She'd been staring at him for an hour now, she'd pulled him into a closed conference room, and now she still wouldn't speak what was on her mind. Don opened his mouth to start talking when Megan interrupted him. "Charlie came by this morning. He's worried about you."
Frustration and amazement battled within Don. He was angry that Charlie would take his concerns to someone else, especially outside of the family, yet amazed that Megan was actually at work that early. She couldn't have slept more than an hour! Don tried to laugh off the comment. "Charlie and my dad are always worried about me. That's nothing new. I think the FBI pays them to worry that much."
Megan gave him an intense, piercing stare. "You know that's not what I mean. Charlie told me…" she hesitated for a moment. "He told me about the scars. And the newer cuts." The profiler stopped, obviously watching to see how he took the news.
Damn. Charlie had seen too much before Don had managed to put his shirt back on. Don couldn't really be that surprised… Charlie was the family genius after all. He refused to meet his team-mate's eyes. Subtly, he shifted his feet so he and Megan weren't directly facing each other, but both had some view of the rest of the office. His reaction was all that Megan needed to know that Charlie hadn't been mistaken. Don wasn't denying it, but he also wasn't opening up about it.
Also with a subtle shift and side-step, Megan turned to face her team leader again. "Don, this is serious. I know how hard it is to deal with this job, with everything we see. But you have to deal with it."
Finally, Don looked her in the eye. He thought about telling her that she couldn't understand how hard it was. Yes, she saw the carnage and the depravity humans were capable of, but she couldn't know what it was like to be responsible for the whole team. He was the team leader, and the blame fell on him, and him alone, when they failed. No, she couldn't understand, and he couldn't make her understand. "I am dealing with it."
Megan was relieved that at least he was making eye contact, but the cold strength in his voice made her even more concerned. "I know that it might seem like this is dealing with it, but I can't let you keep hurting yourself. There has to be another way."
Don shook his head. "There isn't. I've tried. This is the only way to get rid of the pain." He saw the concern in her eyes, but mistook it for pity. "Don't judge me."
Megan's eyes began to moisten. He just sounded so… resigned. That wasn't something she'd ever seen from Don. "I'm not judging you," she replied softly.
Don's temper started to flare. "Yes you are. You can't even say it. You can't even bear to think about how I deal with my pain." Don turned so he faced away from the windows overlooking the office. With deliberate motions, he loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt. His suit jacket had long since been abandoned at his desk. When his shirt was loose enough, the team leader pulled the neck out so his right shoulder and upper arm were exposed. "Now you've seen it for yourself. Now tell me you aren't judging me."
Megan shifted so she could see. It was hard for her not to react to the number of thin lines covering his arm and shoulder. "Don…" she whispered. "Why? How long? How long have you been cutting yourself?" It didn't take a math genius to count the ten freshest scars all in a row. Ten. The number of murdered girls. But it was obvious that he'd been cutting much longer than that. She stretched out her hand to touch his shoulder, but hesitated, unsure of how her gesture of comfort would be received.
Don pulled away and began to rebutton his shirt. He tightened his tie around his neck before looking back at her. "A couple times when I was younger, but never like this till after I came back to LA."
Blinking away tears, Megan knew that 'coming back to LA' was synonymous with 'when my mother got sick' to Don. "Don, I can help if you'd let me. Or you could talk to a psychiatrist."
Don snorted at the suggestion. "See the department shrink! Yeah… right."
"What about my offer?" Megan didn't want to push too hard, but she wanted Don to get help.
Don shifted his eyes away from her again. "You can't help me," he gruffly whispered, although it was barely audible. "No one can." He moved toward the door.
Megan reached out her hand again and grabbed his arm. "Agent Reeves, get off me!" Don growled.
"Agent Eppes, I can't do that. I can't let you keep doing this to yourself."
"Charlie finds release in his numbers, I find mine in cutting. I'm careful. I don't want to stop, and there's not much you can do about it. It's my only way to deal. Now… let… me… go!" Don's voice had grown louder and stronger with the last four words.
David and Colby had finally noticed that two members of their team were not at their desks. It didn't take long for them to notice the situation unfolding in the conference room. When they saw and heard Don's aggression, they decided to intervene. The door swung open just as Don ripped out of Megan's grasp.
"Whoa, Don," Colby said as Don ran into him. The former soldier was blocking the doorway.
"Everything all right in here?" David asked. Megan looked to Don, but the team leader avoided eye contact with everyone.
"I'm going to take a nap. I'll be back in an hour. Call if something comes up." Don's anger had dulled when the rest of his team had entered. Unsure of what else to do, Colby stepped out of the way so Don could pass. When he was a few steps away, Don turned and ordered to Megan, "Not a word to my family." Then he left.
Megan's eyes followed Don all the way out of the bullpen. She was worried.
