Chapter Two: Leader of the Pack

"Dude."

"Gyeh?"

" . . . I still can't believe he's gone. " Sun Ce sighed. "I can't believe I rule Wu now. How totally cool is that?"

Sun Quan looked up at his older brother and dribbled, nodding. He rubbed against the heir to Wu's leg loyally.

"What are you doing?," Sun Jian asked quietly from behind Ce.

The prince froze. "Pop's behind me, isn't he?"

"He already spoke, Cetard." Sun Shang Xiang moved beside Jian. "Brother was just rehearsing, father. He's been doing it since he was five years old."

Ce puffed out his chest, hoping that fact had impressed Sun Jian. Shang Xiang frowned. "And somehow he still sucks at it."

"The only things Ce has been doing since he was five are pushups and pot." Sun Jian paused. "Also one of the servant girls, I believe."

Shang Xiang folded her arms as she looked over the dark plains stretching to the north. "Father?"

"What is it?"

"Why can we never travel from point A to point B without at least one pointless conversation illustrating my brothers' stupidity?"

"Yeah, I so agree," Ce said. "It's like, our dialogue's totally predictable by now."

A small image of Sun Jian's head appeared at the corner of everyones' vision. "Enemy officer defeated!," it cried.

"Dude, get off my screen already!"

"I never thought I'd be part of a predictable sequel," Shang Xiang said.

"We're not that bad," Sun Jian argued. "Ce, you can't tell me what I'm about to say, eh?"

"You're gonna say, 'Ce, I hate you'."

"Ce, I hate you."

"Argh!"

"When I rule it'll be like the Lion King, only with tigers!" Sun Ce turned from his father and slumped his shoulders theatrically. "I can't believe he's really gone . . . I think I'll put up green curtains in the throne room!"

Shang Xiang stepped between the twitching Jian and his son diplomatically. "Disclaimer: Sun Ce does not actually own Wu."

"I don't need a disclaimer to tell me what is obvious," Jian growled, but turned away. He punched the air in front of him. "Gah, everything's so predictable- I can't stand it anymore!"

"Hey Pop, wanna know something that isn't predictable?"

Sun Jian spun back, his face red. "What, Ce? What isn't predictable? Tell me! What?"

A meteorite the size of a house tore through the clouds and smashed the ex-pirate hunter deep into the ground. Walls of dirt sprang up at the impact. Jian's helmet bounced twice and rolled to rest at Sun Quan's feet.

"That," Ce answered, holding a cloth over his nose as the dirt settled. "All right, I totally rule Wu now! Let's head back to base for debriefing and weed."

"FATHER, NO!" Shang Xiang ran forward to where the space rock had struck. "Don't you leave me here with those two!" She looked from the rock, to Ce and Quan, then to the sky. "Hey, could I get two more meteors down here?"

Ce grinned. "When stuff like that happens, it's destiny. Green curtains, dancing monkies, National Me Day- I will so rule at ruling!" He turned to the Wu princess as she stood, his hand raised. "High five, c'mon!"

The princess grabbed his wrist and deftly stepped behind him, pulling his hand back over his shoulder hard. "You don't rule anything until we're absolutely sure he's dead."

"Hey, ow! He got squashed by space rock, I don't see how he could be more dead."

"Maybe he respawned at our nearest base? I lost count of the times he was squashed by boulders during the Yellow Turban Rebellion." Shang Xiang moved over to the meteor. "Father, if you can hear me, knock twice!"

Ce grinned, happy his arm was no longer being broken. "Sorry sis, old man's gone. As my first decree as lord - no, Dudenator - of Wu, I want you and Quan to fight for my entertainment!"

A fist shot up through the rock, sending chunks of stone spinning in all directions. Coughing and sputtering, Sun Jian clawed his way out of the debris and rolled down the side to hit the ground.

Sun Ce's mouth hung slack. "Oh. My. Shit."

"Father!," Shang Xiang squealed, throwing her arms around him. "I knew you weren't dead!"

Jian patted her head, wincing with pain as he rose. "A tiger has nine lives, my dear."

Ce folded his arms and turned away. "That's cats. Pft, dumbass."

His father ignored him, turning to his current favourite, or least hated, son. "Quan, how far from Sima Yi's lair are we now?"

The younger Wu prince bent over obediently and began sniffing the ground. He moved around on all fours for a few moments, following the scent of Sima Yi's dastardliness. He raised a hand and pointed in his direction of choice. "Not far," he burbled with shocking coherrence.

"Excellent! Right, we keep moving. We will meet up with Huang Gai and the others soon." Sun Jian nodded to Quan and Sun Shang Xiang before striding off again. Quan ambled after him dutifully, but as his sister moved to follow Ce grabbed her arm to hold her back.

"Hey sis . . . you think Quan knows where we're going?" He thought for a moment and rephrased. "Or how to get there?"

Shang Xiang shrugged. "I figure he must be good for something. Your total lack of worth was a freak, one-in-a-billion thing."

"Oh, you mean like a chick with a flute killing a thousand evil dudes armed with swords?"

"Yeah. Or like finding balls at a eunuch convention."

"Or finding a eunuch at a ball convention."

"Okay, enough now."

The four members of the Sun family continued on their journey to the home of Sima Yi. They headed west, the ominous looking black plains at their backs.