The Heroes Parody Project 2
Chapter 2: Clueless
Warning: There are a few spoiler-ish moments, make sure you have some knowledge about the newest season of Heroes.
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright of NBC. That means that all characters, events, and powers belong to them. Anything else has just been made up, though any similarities from any such names or events are completely coincidental.
A lab assistant walks into a giant laboratory (that she's the assistant in….yeah) that is located inside a giant warehouse (can never run out of those)….she walks up to her newest specimen, Peter Petrelli.
Peter: Uh….huh…..wha…..what's going on?....Where am I?......
Lab Asst: Don't speak….just rest….we will start the test shortly.
Peter: Test?!....What test?......I hope it's not Pre-School Algebra…..I didn't study!
Lab Asst: Let me just finish jotting down your vitals……Okay, Mr. Petrelli. This first experiment in our trials will involve you attending a certain…party….that has taken place many years ago. The identities of the guests are confidential so instead everybody you meet will be people you already know.
Peter: You lost me after Mr. Petrelli.
She holds her hand up to a walkie talkie.
Lab Asst: The subject is ready. Start the process…..
Peter: Let me go! If you don't, I'll scream…….AHH….wait, no……-ahem-…..EEEEEE!.....oh man……let me try again……
A switch gets flipped, Peter's body tenses up. The shackles unlock as his body falls to the floor, he feels as if the room is spinning……..He opens his eyes, the feeling of cold rain trickles down the side of his face. He slowly gets up to his feet to find himself in front of a giant mansion.
Peter: Ooookay, this is weird….
He makes his way to the front double doors, ringing the bell on the side.
Peter: Okay, Peter, you can survive the rain. Just don't look up or you'll drown…..wait….or was the ostriches who can't do that…..?
The door opens to find Sylar standing there.
Peter: ACK!
Sylar: Good evening sir….you're just in time for dinner…..come in.
Peter: …..Sylar?
Peter (dramatic close-up): …..a butler?
Peter (closer close-up): Being hospitable?
Peter (as close as it can get): …….and offering me dinner?!
Peter: Holy sh…..
---Once upon a time I was falling in love, But now I'm only falling apart. There's nothing I can do, A total eclipse of the heart!.......Heroes!---
Previously on Heroes:
Peter: What are you doing!?
Lab Asst: Flip the switch!
Peter wakes up in front of a mansion.
Peter: Holy sh….
---Once upon a time I was falling in love, But now I'm only falling apart. There's nothing I can do, A total eclipse of the heart!.......Heroes!---
Sylar: What the hell was the point of that?...
Peter: Yeah! What he said!
Sylar: Are you going to come in?
Peter: Oh….right….
Peter slowly inches by Sylar as they exchange looks.
Peter walks into the gigantic main hall of the mansion. On the tile floor reads:
CHAPTER 2: CLUELESS
Peter: Someone should invest in a mop….
Sylar: If you'll follow me sir, I will show you to the Library.
Peter: But I'm allergic to reading!
Sylar: Ugh….just wait in there until all the guests arrive.
Peter walks into the Library to find Niki The Maid pouring drinks.
Peter: Oh, this is rich…..must….get….camera….
Niki: Bonjour, Monsieur.
Peter: Wow, Niki! What a crappy French accent!
Niki: Oh, shut up…..would you like a drink?
Peter: What do you got?
Niki: Brandy, Yoo Hoo, Hawaiian Punch, and Diet Water.
Peter: Diet…Water?
Sylar The Butler opens the door to find Claire.
Sylar: You must be….
Claire: Claire Bennet….Super Star Actress…..to the stars.
Sylar (rolling his eyes): Of course, come in….
Claire struts in and throws her fur coat on top of Sylar.
Claire: So, when's dinner?
Sylar: Just wait in the Library.
Claire enters the library where Niki and Peter are downing shots of Yoo Hoo.
Peter: Claire?
Claire: That's right. I'm Claire Bennet. Famous Actress. You might have seen my recent rendition of The Little Mermaid on Broadway.
---
Claire (as Ariel the Mermaid): Oh, what I wouldn't do to walk on the land with the humans. I guess I'll brush my hair with this fork…ew, there's food on it.
Flounder: What are you going to do today, Ariel?
Claire: What else? Let's go on an adventure……an adventure under the sea!
Someone throws a bucket of ice cold water on Claire.
Claire: AHH! THAT'S FREAKING COLD!
---
Niki: I didn't see it….nor did I want to.
Noah: CLAIRE!
Claire: Gasp! Father….
Noah: Claire….
Claire: Father…..
Noah: …….Claire…..
Claire: …..Father….
Niki: Okay, I think we get it.
Sylar: May I introduce Dr. Noah Bennet. He is a Pediatrician…..or a Podiatrist….whichever one is the one that deals with feet.
Noah: I can't believe you are still doing this silly actress debacle……and I wanted you to go to medical school.
Claire: Father, it's not what I want, so there!
Voice: WOW! THIS HOUSE IS AMAZING!
Sandra walks in with Mr. Muggles in hand.
Sylar: May I introduce….
Sandra: Sandra Bennet, I own the Floral Shop downtown; and Mr. Muggles helps out too.
Noah: -Groan-….
One by one the other guests arrive….which pretty much leaves Nathan, Mohinder and Elle.
-Commercial! Coming up on Heroes…..Din Din Time!-
Elle: HEY! Don't cut our segment!
-Fine, no commercials!-
Sylar brings in the next guest….Mohinder.
Mohinder: Greetings, I'm Professor Mohinder Suresh.
Niki: Oh, that's a stretch. A Professor?
Mohinder: Well, a professor and an inventor. I create urinal cakes that look like celebrities.
Claire: That's disturbing.
The door bell rings, Sylar answers, Nathan and Elle are standing there.
Sylar: Did you two travel together?
Nathan: Well, sort of. I saw her car broken down on the side of the road.
Elle: Actually I hit a tree to avoid hitting a squirrel.
Flashback to Elle driving her car….she notices a car coming her way, driven by a squirrel.
Elle: AHH! That mad man is going to run into me!
Elle swerves out of the way and hits the tree.
Elle (shaking her hand out the window): YOU BASTARD!
-Fin-
Elle: I was so scared….
Sylar: That was the stupidest story I've ever heard…..go into the library.
Nathan and Elle join the others, Niki hands them both glasses of Diet Water.
Nathan: Hello everyone, nice to meet you. My name is Nathan, I'm a fighter pilot; and this annoying woman next to me is….
Elle: Elle Bishop, Action 5 News. You may have seen my latest interview with Dr. Phil.
---
Elle: Dr. Phil, you are loved….literally….by hundreds. What is it like knowing that you have a urinal cake modeled after you?
Dr. Phil: Well, little lady, back where I come from….
Elle: THAT'S GREAT! This is Elle Bishop, signing off.
---
Sylar: Okay, you people talk amongst yourselves. Dinner will be ready in an hour.
Peter slips out of the library and takes a look around. He ends up in the kitchen to someone chopping something.
Peter: Matt?
Matt: Oh hey! Are you excited about dinner? I know I am……I just need to figure out how to cook these things.
He opens his 'Elmo Teaches Cooking' book.
Matt: Lasagna? What the hell is that……is that some sort of Pizza?
Peter: Don't touch dinner….check.
Peter sprints out of the kitchen and ends up in the billiard room. Ando the gardener is talking to Hiro the bartender.
Hiro: -Gasp!- A customer. Hello, sir….would you like something to drink?
Peter: Sure! What do you got?
Hiro: Yoo Hoo.
Peter: Oh……that's…..great…..
Peter checks out the pool table while Hiro and Ando talk.
Hiro: So I really hope I can pull this off tonight, I'm really bad at this sort of thing.
Ando: Don't worry, you'll do fine.
Hiro: I didn't get the information, what time was he supposed to be killed?
Peter: Huh?
Ando: Dinner is at 7, so I think he's supposed to go down probably 8:30 or so…..
Peter: Double Huh?
Hiro: Did they tell you who the killer was?
Peter: Killer?!
Hiro: Oh! We've said too much…..
Ando: Agreed.
Peter: Weirdoes….
He leaves and gets smacked in the face with a dodge ball. –WHAP!-
Peter: OW! My nose……
The Haitian, The Personal Trainer, runs up to Peter.
Haitian: Sorry about that, just practicing.
Peter: Don't mention it….are you a guest too?
Haitian: Nope, I'm the master's personal trainer.
Peter: The master?
Haitian: Yes….you're a guest, are you not? He is the one that invited you.
Peter: Yes, or course…..that's exactly what happened.
Matt: DINNER IS READY!......oh crap, where's my dinner bell?…..oh well…..Ding-A- Ling, A-Ling, A-Ling, A-Ling, A-Ling, A-Ling, A-Ling, A-Ling!!
Haitian: You better get there for dinner.
Peter: Will do….
Peter walks away as he gets bonked in the head with another dodge ball.
Everybody sits down at the dinner table; Peter is the last one to join. He spots Sylar and Niki arguing about something down the hall. He doesn't think anything of it and goes in.
Matt: Okay, I hope you all like this dinner…..It's an old Parkman Family Recipe.
Claire looks down at her dinner, a small plastic box with the word 'Lunchables' printed on the front.
Claire: What the…..?
Peter notices an empty chair at both ends of the table.
Peter: Hey Jeeves!
Sylar: Don't call me Jeeves.
Peter: What's with the two chairs?
Sylar: They are for the master and his wife…..
Peter: 'Wife'…eh?
Sylar: Yes, now eat your ham and cheese crackers.
Peter: 'Crackers'…eh?
Sylar: Yes, shut up.
Someone is heard coming down the grand staircase in the hall. Everyone stops with dramatic looks on her faces, except for Elle, who has half a cracker sticking out of her mouth in a very unattractive manner.
Elle: Grr…..
The master walks into the dining room, who is none other than Linderman.
Peter: LINDERMAN!?
Linderman: Hello, guests. Welcome to my humble abode.
Peter: Hmph! His wife is probably some hot little number….
In walks his wife….Angela Petrelli!
Peter: AHHHHH! EW!!!!
Peter runs and jumps out the window.
Linderman: I hope we can start the festivities shortly. We have a very fun game to play.
Peter: I like games!
Peter hops back through the window and sits down.
Sandra: Well, I guess we can introduce and get to know each other a bit. Since we didn't bother to do this much in the hour we spent together in the library. I'm Sandra Bennet, I'm an expert florist, and I own my own wonderful flower boutique downtown run personally by myself and my star employee, Mr. Muggles! My Husband is a Doctor…..
Noah: That would be me.
Sandra: And my daughter is an expiring actress!
Claire: I think you mean….'aspiring'.
Sandra: Oh yes…….yes…….(she takes a drink).
Mohinder: Well, we pretty much know who everybody is except for Peter.
Peter: Me?
Mohinder: Yes, Peter….what is it that you do?
Nathan: That's right, you haven't really talked about yourself.
Peter: Hmm….right….well, I'm Peter.
Everyone: ……
Peter: Okay……I….am……a student.
Mohinder: Really? Where do you go to school at?
Peter: Uh……um……Beverly Hills, 90210?
Mohinder: ……………..okay……What's your major?
Peter: Um…….being beautiful and popular?
Elle: That's what I took! You'll do fine.
Peter: Really!?
Elle: Really.
Peter: Really, Really!?
Elle: REALLY.
Peter: Really, Really, Really!?
Elle: SHUT UP!
Linderman: Oh, this food again…..hmm…..oh Matt!
Matt the Chef runs into the dining room.
Matt: Yes, master.
Linderman: Can you grab me the trash can?
Matt walks over and holds it next to Linderman, who dumps his meal into the garbage.
Linderman: MMM! That was delicious I can't eat another bite…..oh, have Niki order some Chinese would you?
Matt: Hmph!
Matt heads back into the kitchen.
Linderman: Okay, we'll meet up in the Study in an hour…..to talk about the game.
Linderman walks out of the room with Angela.
Lightning strikes as the rain starts to really come down. One by one the guests make their way to the Study.
Linderman: I want to welcome you all again……
Peter: GAMES!
Linderman: I hope you enjoyed your dinner…..and for anybody that's interested some Chinese will be delivered shortly.
Peter: Get to the games!
Linderman: I wanted to share with you a story from when I was a little boy…..
Peter: Get to the games already, you old coot!
Linderman: FINE!......Tonight…….at midnight…….there will be a murder.
Peter (to himself): Linderman can't predict the future…..very strange…..I better give him my most undivided attention….Oh look! A roly poly! How cute…..Hey there little guy…..where you runnin to…..oh….there he goes….rolling up into a ball…..heh…..
Linderman: And that's all you need to know….
Peter: CRAP! I wasn't paying attention. Can you start all over?
Linderman: Grr! Anyway……There will be a murder tonight…..
Peter (singing): Hey Mr. Roly Poly, how do you doooo?
Linderman: BUTLER!
Sylar: Yes, master?
Linderman: Escort that distraction from the premises.
Sylar: The…..roly…poly….sir?
Linderman: Yes….at once! We don't have all night.
Sylar walks over to pick him up.
Linderman: Don't do that! It's rude, just show him the door.
Sylar: Ugh…..
Sylar walks to the front doors and opens them, the Roly Poly makes its way there……..still making its way there……..still walking…….any day now………yup, still walking…..
Niki: Oh, enough of this!
Niki picks it up and drops it outside; slamming the door.
Linderman: Anyway, please, help yourself to enjoy my beautiful mansion. Just be on the look out tonight…….you never know who is going to be murdered.
Peter: Is it going to be you?
Linderman: Of course not, you dolt!
Peter: Well, you never know…..just guessing.
Linderman: The point of the game is to find the murderer, point out which weapon he used to kill their victim, and what room they did it in. If you get it right and win the game, the prize is Ten Thousand Dollars.
Peter: Ten Thousand Dollars……I could by my own Arby's Restaurant with that kind of scratch.
Nathan: Why are you doing this?
Linderman: Because I'm filthy rich, and I love mysteries…..and I can right it off on my taxes.
Nathan: Well, how nice of you…..I think.
Linderman: With that I will make my leave….enjoy the rest of your night…..or at least try to……(He chuckles and leaves the room).
Sylar: I will show you to your room now.
Peter: I have a room?
Sylar: Well, yeah. You didn't drive all the way here just to turn around and go home did you?
Peter: Well, I was more or less teleported here against my will….but I do see your point. I will take one room, Jeeves!
Sylar: Ugh……whatever.
Peter is getting comfortable in his room, he turns on the TV to find all the channels blocked.
Peter: Well, that's just not cool.
There's a knock at the door.
Peter: Finally! Room service.
He answers the door to find Claire.
Peter: Claire! What are you doing here?
Claire: I just needed to get away from my parents. You know, all that good stuff.
Peter: Yeah, so how about this whole murder thing, huh?
Claire: Yeah, kinda creepy.
Peter: Well, I don't have any luggage. You want to go shoot some pool?
Claire: Sure.
Meanwhile, Linderman was watching television.
Linderman: Ah….the stocks are rising. My wallet is getting fatter as we speak.
Angela: You have more money then anyone I can think of, Darling. What ever are you going to do with it? (She inches a diamond catalogue closer to him).
Linderman: I'm going to invest it wisely, my dear. I plan on having it all converted into coins and load them up into a giant vault; so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.
Angela: WHAT?! That's preposterous….
Linderman: Don't worry darling, you will enjoy it too…..I'll get you something very nice.
Angela: Ooooh, Like what?
Linderman: Like this…..(He pulls out a box)….
Angela: Darling? Are you serious?.....You bought this for me? I'm so ever surprised…..
Linderman: Open it, my dear. It's a very expensive….
Angela: Expensive?
Linderman: …set….
Angela: Set?!
Linderman: ….of diamond…..
Angela (excited): d..d..diamond?
Linderman: …..Corn Cob Holders!
Angela: GWAH!
Linderman: Now you don't have to pick up corn with your hands and get butter all over them because it's very messy. Enjoy them dearly, my love.
He exits the room, Angela is fuming.
Peter and Claire are playing pool in the billiard room. Ando the gardener runs in to talk to Hiro.
Ando: Hiro!
Hiro: What is it, Ando?
Ando: That crazy lady, you know….the one with the dog?
Hiro: Sandra Bennet? What about her?
Ando: She keeps giving me the evil eye.
Hiro: I'm sure it's because she likes you. Get her something nice….take her out to dinner!
Claire: Hello! That's my mother, you morons!
Hiro: ……Take her someplace kid friendly, like Chuck E. Cheese…..
Claire: Hmph!
Ando: No, I know who she is! I just remembered.
Hiro: So?
Ando: You know I entered the 'Most Luxurious Flower Bouquet Competition' last spring?
Hiro: And I made fun of you until the following winter….go on.
Ando: Well, I won.
Hiro: And I was so happy for you!
Ando: Let me finish! That lady is the one I beat out for number 1. Back then she was so mad she said that she would send Mr. Muggles after me!
Hiro: That's horrible…..you better wear something around your ankles!
Ando: What if it's all a scam? What if I'm the one that's supposed to be murdered?
Hiro: Ando, come on. We've been doing this for years….this whole thing is scripted. We already know who is going to die this time…..at least I know now that I've read my script.
Ando: I don't know, Hiro…..I've got a bad feeling about this.
Hiro: Don't say that Ando! You know whoever says that is the first one to get axed!
Ando: AHHH! (He runs out)
Hiro: I was only kidding! Yeesh……
Later that night…..Peter was lying down in his bed.
Peter: Bored, bored, bored, bored……….Hmm……
He rolls over to the side and stares out the window.
Peter: It's dark and rainy.
He rolls back over to find Isaac Mendez searching through the room.
Peter: AHHHHHHH!!!! It's you…….
Isaac: Shhhh! Don't try to alert everybody…..
Peter: What are you doing here? What am I doing here? What happened after that building in Daniel Ryan's alternative world thing collapsed? I want answers, damn you! A-N-S……and the rest……
Isaac: I'm not even supposed to be here, I just wanted to check on your progress, that's all.
Peter: Progress? Why am I here?......I was in that lab, and that lab assistant woman….
Isaac: Yeah, Dr. Alex……kinda obnoxious if you ask me.
Peter: So….are you actually here?
Isaac: I guess you forgot our talk. I can't tell you much but….you are being used in a variety of mental experiments…..this whole situation that you are in has happened once before in the past. It is stored in the memory of a college student who is deceased now. They use the timeline from his memory, then they use the new host to….reenact the memory….
Peter: So this whole, murder mystery, party thing has happened before. But why is everyone I know here?
Isaac: It's safer that way. The actual people who attended the party that day; their information is kept sealed. They didn't want to compromise anything by you knowing who was actually there. So they used remnants from your memory, do you remember me telling you about those?
Peter: Sure didn't!
Isaac: Ugh….worthless……Okay, you have memories of people. Then you know people can have hallucinations, which is really something you cannot control. But a remnant is a part of your brain of a person, place, or thing that can be projected here by will.
Peter: Well, you died. Sylar killed you. Now you're here, and I didn't do it willingly. So are you just a hallucination?
Isaac: It's not that simple.
Peter: Well you're just going to have to make it simple for me…..because I'm a simple kind of guy!
Isaac: That's….not really something I would tell other people.
Peter: Just answer my question! Why me?
Isaac: I don't know the whole story, I don't know why they are doing this they just are. Just….try to make it through this, I'll try to find out more when…..
BANG!!!!
Isaac: Oh, it's time…..
Peter: Hey, we can get to that loud gunshot later.
Isaac: Got to go….just…..check it out.
He vanishes.
Peter: What a tool…..
Isaac: I HEARD THAT!
Peter leaves his room and runs down the hall to find Angela screaming. Claire and The other guests arrive in the master bedroom to find Angela screaming over Linderman's dead body.
Nathan: Linderman is dead!
Peter: I know who killed him!
Everyone: You do!?
Peter: Well, isn't it obvious…..Angela and her piercing scream…..it obviously scrambled his brain into the consistency of Jell-O……Delicious Lime Jell-O to be precise.
Angela: You twit, he was shot! Did you not hear the loud bang!
Peter: How did you know he was shot….unless if you were….the ONE WHO SHOT HIM! Case closed…..I'll take my Ten Thousand Dollars now……
He walks over the pokes Linderman.
Peter: Hello…..Mr. Linderman…..Me want money……Helloooooo?
Everyone: ……
Peter: Uh…..I think he's actually dead.
Angela: I'm calling the police!
Elle: WAIT! Mr. Bennet's a doctor!
Noah: That's right!
Noah kneels down and shoves a tongue depressor in Linderman's mouth.
Noah: Say 'AHHH'…..
Linderman: …(DEAD!)
Noah: I'm sorry……he's dead.
Elle: This is the scoop of the century!
Nathan: How the hell can you think of reporting at a time like this!
Elle: Well, that's a stupid question.
Peter: Let's start making crazy accusations!
Mohinder: Peter….
Peter: Yes?
Mohinder: You have been the one that has been the most mysterious tonight, and you were anxious enough to even call out his death earlier tonight in the study.
Peter: Uh….okay, no more crazy accusations.
Claire: You're missing one thing Professor…..motive. Why would Peter shoot Mr. Linderman?
Mohinder: To place the blame on someone else and get the Ten Thousand dollars.
Claire: Good point, I guess you're on your own, Peter.
Peter: Gee, thanks Claire….See if I ever fill in for you at Cheerleading practice again…..
Claire: WHAT!?
Nathan: Okay, I'm sure Angela has called the cops already….
Peter: …..stupid cheerleading practice…….stupid pyramid……I hate that pyramid…..
Nathan: ANYWAY…..let's just….move the body.
Noah: Why the hell would you do that?! You would completely mess up the evidence.
Nathan: Well, we can't just leave him here! We'll all be labeled as suspects.
Noah: We're suspects anyway.
Peter: YEAH!
Noah: Including Peter.
Peter: Aw……
Mohinder grabs Linderman's hands, Nathan grabs his feet. They carry him downstairs and throw him into the study.
Nathan: Now….that's done. Let's get started to solve this one and only death.
Elle: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Nathan: Hmm? What's that?
Noah: It's just Elle.
Nathan: Okay. Anyway we should split up into groups…..
Claire: Don't you think we should check it out?
Nathan: Well…….I guess…….I'm sure it's nothing…..
Elle: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Claire: I'm going!
Nathan: Then go!
Claire: You can't tell me what to do! You're not my father!
Nathan: …..uh……
Claire: Oh, right….heh…..whatever!
She storms off, Peter and everyone else follows her. Claire stops in the kitchen to see Elle crying and stuffing her face with a turkey sandwich.
Claire: Elle! What happened?
Elle: The cook!
They spot Matt the cook…..dead…..on the floor……not moving.
Claire: Don't get upset, Elle. I'm sure it's not your fault.
Elle (sobbing): This sandwich is sooooo good.
Claire: Anyway…..now we have a serial murderer.
Nathan: And now 2 dead bodies.
Peter: Does that mean we get Twenty Thousand Dollars?
Nathan: No!
Peter: Aw……
Noah: If medical school has taught me anything, by the looks of that knife the victim was stabbed to death.
Everyone looks at Noah.
Noah: …..or poisoned.
Nathan: Okay, let's get him in the study…..
Sylar: WHAT THE?!
Everyone turns to find the butler at the doorway to the kitchen.
Sylar: No, no, no…..this isn't right at all……Someone killed the cook?
Nathan: Those Lunchables did suck, but he didn't deserve to die for it.
Sylar: Well, the master never liked his cooking. He will be pleased.
Everybody looks at each other.
Sylar: What?
Claire: Um….Linderman's kinda…..dead-ish.
Sylar: WHA!? Someone shot him?! This is horrible….now I won't get paid.
Peter: Hmm…..Sylar doesn't act that surprised……I bet it was him……
He checks to see if Matt's scalp is fully attached.
Peter: Oh, right…..he can't do that here….ha, ha……
Mohinder and Nathan throw Matt's body into the Study with Linderman's. Angela is standing by the fireplace.
Mohinder: Angela? What are you doing?
Angela: We obviously have a murderer on our hands.
Peter: Sylar….
Sylar: I didn't do it!
Angela: It's time we should protect ourselves. In fact….the rules of the game should….change a little.
Peter: Oooh! A game…..I like games!
Elle: Angela, I just love your earrings…..wait….are those Corn Cob Holders?!
Angela (pissed): Nevermind that…..I have something for you.
Angela walks out into a hall and brings in a shopping bag from Macy's.
Angela: In here are the…..tools necessary to help you survive….and win.
She passes one out to each guest, 7 in all.
Angela: Consider them gifts….open them up.
Nathan opens his box…..finding a wrench.
Nathan: That's weird.
Mohinder opens his box to find a revolver.
Noah turns his box over as a lead pipe falls into his hands.
Elle pulls out a rope from her box.
Claire receives a candlestick.
Claire: A candlestick, huh?......And no candles….that is my biggest pet peeve!
Sandra holds out a knife in front of her.
Sandra: Oooh, I can poison someone with this.
Peter opens his box to find…..an old record of Olivia Newton-John's 'Let's Get Physical'!
Peter: OH, COME ON!!!!
Angela: The rules of the game was to find the murderer. But it's apparent those rules have changed. My husband is dead, as is our cook. Whoever can find the murderer and kill him…or her……will be greatly rewarded with……ONE…
Everyone: Excited Gasp!
Angela: HUNDRED…
Everyone: Disappointed Gasp…
Angela: THOUSAND…
Everyone: Excited Gasp!
Angela: Pennies……
Everyone: Devastated Gasp….
Claire: That's only a thousand dollars!
Angela: Oh….it is……(damn!)…..fine, One Hundred Thousand Dollars, whoever catches the killer. Good luck.
She walks out of the room.
The guests meet up in the library.
Peter: Okay, peeps…..we have a situation on our hands.
Noah: It's nice that you just noticed that.
Peter: Now, I'm sure that none of us is the killer.
Nathan: How do you know….? What makes you think that you aren't the killer?
Peter: Because I'm nice!
Nathan: I think we should split up!
Elle: WHAT!?
Peter: You don't have to take that Elle! You deserve someone better than Nathan…..Drop that zero and get yourself a Hero!.....At least that's what Ricky Lake would say.
Elle: WE WEREN'T DATING YOU IDIOT!!!
Nathan (gritting teeth): I meant split up to look for the killer….
Elle: I just think that's a bad idea. What if one of us gets paired up with the killer?
Nathan: Then they will die and when they come back with one less person….ta da…..we have the killer.
Mohinder: I don't like that plan.
Nathan: You wouldn't….would you…….Professor?
Mohinder: Just what is that supposed to mean?!
Nathan: I'm not saying anything….except that you sure are hesitant about splitting up…..maybe you just have a guilty conscience.
Mohinder: Just what is that supposed to mean?!
Nathan: I'm saying, you obviously are the killer!
Mohinder: Just what is that supposed to…..
Niki: LADIES, PLEASE!.....We don't have time for this…
Peter: The French Tickler is right!
Niki: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?
Peter: We shouldn't fight with each other….we should be a team…..we need to team up….and solve this mystery together…..now let's split up and hope one of us isn't the killer…which I'm sure that's the case because I don't trust any of you.
Hiro busts down the door in a total fit.
Hiro: Come quick! Something terrible has happened.
The group runs into the Conservatory to find Ando, strangled with a Garden Hose.
Peter: CRAP!
Mohinder and Nathan throw Ando's body into the study.
Sylar: This just won't do….I'm not cleaning any of this……
Niki: We'll I'm not touching it.
Sylar: You should….seeing as how you make more than me…..for obvious reasons.
Everyone: Ooooooh!
Niki: Don't 'ooooh!', he doesn't know what he's talking about.
Sylar: Yeah, you don't dress like that just to influence Linderman to give you more on your salary…suuure…..
Niki: Why I oughtta….
Peter: The French Tickler strikes again!
Niki: STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Nathan: Okay, let's just meet back here in 30 minutes, then we'll split up into teams.
Claire: Shouldn't we start this as soon as possible since the police will be here?
Nathan: I'm sorry, I would like to take a nap. I've had a very long day.
Claire: Fine, yeesh….
They split up and head to their rooms. Claire continues to unpack her belongings….she hears a bump.
Claire: Hmm?.......
Another bump.
Claire: Is someone there?
She turns around as someone grabs her ankle from beneath the bed.
Claire: AHHH!
She wiggles free and crawls toward the door, the assailant, wielding a wrench, starts swinging.
Claire: EEK!
She lobs a couple of books at the attacker, then a glass vase. She take off running as fast as she can down the hall. Banging on Peter's door.
Claire: PETER! It's Claire! Let me in!
Claire listens through the door.
Peter (singing): Let's get physical! Physical! I wanna get physical! Let me hear your body talk…
Claire: PETER! Are you actually listening to that stupid Olivia Newton-John record?!
Peter flings the door open.
Claire: ACK!
Peter: No I wasn't listening to anything.
Claire: Well, just as long as you're not acting suspicious….(rolls eyes)
Peter: Claire, what's wrong?
Claire: Right! I just got attacked; I think it was the killer.
Peter: What happened?
Claire: I'm pretty sure I just told you…..but….he had the wrench.
Peter: Wrench……Who got the wrench this evening?
Claire: Nathan.
Peter: Let's go.
Claire: Be careful, Peter.
Peter: Don't worry. 'Sacrifice Anything To Save My Butt' is my middle name.
Claire: That's comforting.
They sneak down the hallway.
Peter: Nathan's room is on this floor.
He knocks on his door, Nathan answers it.
Nathan: Well, my nap was nice while it lasted. What do you want, Peter?
Peter: Hello, Nathan…..are you the killer?
Nathan: Seriously?
Peter: Well, it's obvious you tried to murder Claire….and I think that's just rude, mister!
Nathan: WHAT!? I didn't try to murder Claire.
Claire: I got attacked! The man had a wrench.
Nathan: I left my wrench on the table in the study….I thought it was a stupid gift. I mean, come on she went to Macy's, she could've found me something much more useful.
Peter: I don't want to hear it! You didn't get the Olivia Newton-John record.
Nathan: Good point. But I didn't try to murder Claire; I swear!
Peter: This is too much; I sure can use a drink.
Nathan: Yeah, we better all get together and solve this.
The three of them walk downstairs, Peter walks into the billiard room.
Peter: HOLY CRAP!
Claire: What is it?
Peter: Look!
Claire and Nathan come over to see Niki, dead on the pool table.
Peter: Not The French Tickler! Anybody but her!!!
Niki uses one last ounce of strength to lob a cue ball at Peter's head.
Peter: OW!
The three of them check out the body.
Peter: I wonder how she died……
Peter ponders this while failing to notice the pool cue shoved through her midsection.
Peter: Jinkies!
Nathan: This is bad….really bad.
Claire: I know.
Nathan: It seems like more and more of the mansion staff is getting killed off. Which means….
Claire: It's going to end up being one of us.
The group gathers around in the billiard room.
Sylar: It is a shame….
Peter: Uh huh…..I doubt that!
Sylar: What?!
Peter: It's obvious that you killed her.
Sylar: I would watch where you're pointing that finger…..There are electrical outlets everywhere, I don't want you to get shocked!
Peter: Oh thanks!
Sylar: But I didn't do it!
Peter: Uh huh…..I'll prove it….somehow.
Nathan: Enough…..we're splitting up. Everyone write your name on a piece of paper and throw it into this hat.
Nathan puts the names into a Hat.
Nathan: Where's Hiro and The Haitian…..and Angela.
Sylar: They're busy with their duties; and Angela has something else to attend to, but I will help you with your search.
Claire: Search for what?! I still don't get why we are doing this.
Nathan: To find the killer.
Claire: We are the only ones here; one of us has to be the killer.
Nathan: You're right, there has to be someone else in the house.
Claire: I didn't say that.
Nathan: Now we have a better reason to split up. Okay (he shuffles the hat). Peter and Claire, you take the first floor. Noah and Sandra will get the basement. Mohinder and Myself will take the second floor. Elle and Sylar will take the third floor-attic area.
Claire: That sounds good.
Everyone else agrees. And they head off, splitting up to their designated floors.
Noah and Sandra are standing at the top of the stairs leading into the dark basement.
Noah: It's really dark.
Sandra: Yes it is….Go on, Honey. Clear out the path….I'll wait here.
Noah: No…..I guess we can…..find a flashlight…..or something.
Sandra: We can walk down together.
Noah: Sounds good.
They slowly go down step by step….
Sandra: Attention killers! Don't kill us…….we're very intimidating people. Isn't that right, Mr. Muggles?
Mr. Muggles: WOOF!
Noah: Yeah, about that….
Peter and Claire are in the Ball Room.
Claire: Wow! This dance floor is huge.
Peter: I'm sure if we had time I could definitely burn up the dance floor here.
Claire: You're a good dancer, huh?
Peter: Yup. I'm an expert on Dance, Dance, Revolution. Picture it…the arcade…..me and a 97-year old woman…..head to head…..it was going to be the fight of our lives….
Claire: Let's move on.
Nathan and Mohinder are walking down the hallway on the second floor.
Mohinder: So, you got the second floor, huh? I envy you.
Nathan: Why is that?
Mohinder: There's something always tapping against my window, drives me insane.
Nathan: Okay, you check those rooms, I'll look in here.
Nathan opens the door to find a small bathroom, the rain has died down a bit and the moonlight is shining in from a small window to the side. Nathan grabs his flashlight and shines it around the room, he reaches his hand and slings the shower curtain open to find the body of The Haitian.
Nathan: Oh boy……
Elle and Sylar are on the third floor-attic area.
Elle: Well, this room is pointless.
Sylar: Yeah, we usually keep the Christmas decorations and other crap up here.
Elle: What's with the pink stuff?
Sylar: That's insulation. Don't step on it or you'll fall through.
Elle: Really?
Sylar: Really.
Elle: That's cool.
Sylar: No it's not….it hurts.
Elle: Takes a step as some boxes tip over, about to fall on her.
Sylar: Watch out!
Sylar runs forward…falling through the insulated ground. Elle screams.
The electricity goes out.
Peter: AHH! I'm afraid of the dark!
Peter jumps in Claire's arms…
Claire: Peter….you're….too….
They lose their balance and fall over.
Noah: Did you hear something?
Sandra: I hope it's not a mouse. I've been afraid of rats and mice ever since I saw Ratatouille!
Mouse: SQUEEK!
Sandra: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Noah jumps up, bumping his head on a pipe.
Noah: OW!
Nathan runs down the hallway, leaping over Sylar, who landed on Mohinder.
Claire: Peter, would you get up! We need to see what's going on! We don't need any more surprises.
The sound of a window crashing is heard….a body falls past the window in the ballroom.
Claire: Who the hell?!
Peter: Someone jumped.
Claire: It could be the killer!
Peter and Claire make their way through the darkened room and into the hall. They run smack into Nathan.
Peter: Ow, my nose!
Outside, the rain is starting to pour again. Peter and Nathan run around to the back of the mansion to find Hiro, dead, lying in a rose bush.
Peter: You would've though the bush broke his fall.
Nathan: Let's get him back in here.
They carry Hiro's body back into the Mansion. They are greeted by the rest of the group.
Sylar: The police are on their way.
Nathan: Well that's just swell. How are we going to hide 6 bodies from them?
Sylar: Seven.
Peter and Nathan lean over to find Angela, dead at the bottom of the stairs.
The Count: SEVEN! Seven dead bodies!...MWA! HA! HA! HA!
Peter: You're not helping! Eat crucifix, loser!
Count: Oh please, that doesn't work on me. MWA! HA! HA!
He turns into a bat and flies away.
Peter: Hmm…..it worked on Buffy.
Nathan: Well, now what?!
Sylar: Nothing….all I know is that Peter killed them all.
Peter: WHAT!?
Sylar: That's all you talked about was the money. And I was cleaning your room and found…all the weapons in there.
Peter: All of them!?
Sylar: Yes……they will be arresting you shortly.
Peter: But, that's not fair. I was framed! How do we know that you didn't kill them and just threw the weapons in my room?
Sylar: That would be the case but fortunately I have the Playskool 'My First Crime Scene' play kit. I dusted for prints and they just so happened to be yours.
Peter: How do you have my prints to compare them? AH HA!
Sylar: I used the prints on your wine glass from dinner.
Peter: Oh….that sucks…..Excuse me.
Peter walks into the bathroom on the bottom floor and washes his face. He looks back up to see Isaac standing behind him.
Peter: Uh, seriously….Isaac, this is a bathroom.
Isaac: Peter, you have to listen to me, man. This is the part that gets serious, you see….back when this happened the first time….the man you are portraying got framed for the murders….and then he was executed.
Peter: What ended up happening to him?
Isaac: He….got….executed. Just said that.
Peter: Oh.
Isaac: You have to use your brain….
Peter: We're screwed.
Isaac: Try as hard as you can to put the pieces together. I know you didn't kill these people. You have to prove your innocence.
Peter: Well, it's not like this is really me. What if I don't?
Isaac: If you don't and end up getting executed……you don't get to come back.
Peter: Oh….that's bad.
Isaac: Yes. So….think really hard….not too hard…..you can solve this silly mystery.
Peter: Yes…….yes……..oh, why can't I be more like House; where the simplest object or statement instantly give me an epiphany leading to the answer…..
Peter looks down to see a bottle of mouth wash……
Peter: Of course!.....I got it!
Peter proudly walks back into the hall.
Peter: I…..had an epiphany.
Claire: That's nice.
Peter: I know who the killer is.
Everyone: You do!?
Peter: Yes. Follow me.
The group walks into the study and takes a seat. Peter, after thinking for a moment, turns to the group.
Peter: You all were invited here today to participate in a game….a simple game, hosted by a lover of mysteries. Someone extremely rich and wanted to throw away some money just so he can use this game as an excuse to write it off on his taxes come next year. It's selfish and charitable at the same time.
Sylar: Get on with it.
Peter: We showed up one by one, into the library.
Peter walks into the library.
Peter: Um….this reenactment things goes a lot smoother if you all are with me.
Noah: We're not actually doing this are we?
Mohinder: Looks like it.
The group joins Peter into the library.
Peter: I showed up first, Sylar greeted me. Then Claire showed up. Then Noah and Sandra, and Mohinder then Nathan then Elle then we had drinks served by Niki The Maid and didn't talk about ourselves then dinner!
Peter runs down the hall and throws on a chef's hat.
Peter: DINNER TIME! Ding-A-Ling, A-Ling, A-Ling.
Everyone is sitting in the dining room.
Peter: We all sat here and had Lunchables, they were pretty bad. Linderman and his wife, Angela showed up. They didn't eat their food. Time to play games.
Everybody runs back into the study.
Peter: Linderman told us about the game and the prize and we were like "YAY!", and he was all "You'll get money", and we were like "SWEET!" and….
Everybody: Get on with it!
Peter: He told us to get some rest because he predicted a murder tonight. Since this is a murder mystery, the whole thing is just an act. Claire, Nathan, and I had rooms and the second floor while the Bennets, Mohinder, and Elle had rooms on the first. Everything was going to plan….then BANG!
Everyone: Bang?
Peter: The gunshot…..that killed Mr. Linderman. He was shot in his master bedroom.
Sylar: By who?
Peter: Who else?.....You.
Sylar: Why would I kill Linderman?
Peter: Because, his wife made you.
Sylar: Angela?
Nathan: She was there at the scene of the crime, but Sylar wasn't. If anything Angela shot him.
Peter: I didn't say he was in the room.
Claire: What?
Peter: Everyone was in their room. Everyone had something to do, except Sylar. He, in fact was still….in here.
Peter walks into the Library.
Sylar: This is stupid.
Mohinder: How would Sylar shoot Mr. Linderman from here?
Peter pointed up. The group saw a bullet hole through the ceiling.
Peter: Everybody else had an alibi, and Sylar is one of the only people who know this building like the back of his hand. He couldn't shoot him point blank because one of us would notice.
Sylar: And the motive.
Peter: You are miffed about Niki making more than you, and Angela strikes me as the type of person who would want Linderman's billions to herself. So she had you do it for a cut of the money. CASE CLOSED!
Sylar: There are two things wrong with that.
Peter: WAHHH! I wanted to win…Boo Hoo!
Sylar: First off, I didn't even know that Linderman was dead until after Matt was killed. This was due to the fact that I wasn't even in the house when the gun went off. I was accepting a package and had to sign for it. This is the receipt containing my signature with the time
Peter: Crud…..well….maybe you didn't kill Linderman….but I know for a fact you killed the others!
---
Matt The Cook – His food is terrible. The Lunchables were probably the only thing he actually made that was edible. It only makes sense that while we were upstairs looking at Linderman, you were downstairs accepting the package. Only to run into the kitchen while we weren't looking…and stab Matt.
Sylar: In the stomach….?
Peter: What?
Sylar: When I arrived on the scene, Matt had a knife in the stomach. Matt may be an idiot, but he's a big guy, I think he could prevent me from stabbing him straight in the stomach. I mean….it's not like I'm telekinetic or anything.
Nathan: He's got a point.
Claire: That does kinda make sense.
Mohinder: Now that I think about it….Elle, how did you find Matt?
Elle: He was face down…..it was…..so….sad…(She starts sobbing while eating another turkey sandwich)……This turkey is so delicious…-sob-…..
Mohinder: Also, if someone stabs you in the stomach, it would be just common knowledge that the person would try to not land face down if the knife was still in you!
Noah: Also true.
Peter: Yeah….
Noah: All in favor of ruling Matt Parkman's death an accident from tripping and falling on his knife.
All: Agreed!
CASE CLOSED!
---
Niki The Maid.
The group is in the billiard room; where Niki is sprawled on the table.
Peter: It isn't oblivious to anyone that you hated Niki because she makes more than you.
Sylar: True, but I didn't kill her.
Peter: Really, I know what went down.
Flashback to Sylar running into the Billiard Room.
Sylar: I hate you because you make more than me!
Niki: What are you going to do about it?
Sylar: This!
He lobs a cue ball at her head.
Peter: Exactly that!
Claire: Uh, Peter, are you forgetting she was stabbed with the pool cue.
Peter: HA!....Sylar only did that to make it look like an accident….
Claire: Who the hell accidentally stabs themselves with a pool cue?!
Peter: Uh……
Claire: Exactly.
Sylar: I was downstairs, talking to Ando about…..a….domestic dispute.
Mohinder: I can vouch for that, he was.
Peter: Dammit!
Sylar: So there….
Peter: Well, then you killed Ando!
Sylar: No I didn't, Mohinder was there. He was a witness…..
Claire: Unless……
Mohinder: Uh oh…..
Claire: He was the killer.
Peter: Claire! You weren't supposed to solve that! Give me the credit.
Claire: Sylar was talking to Ando because he is always disturbing Mohinder on the first floor. That's what the dispute was about. Taking matters into his own hands, Mohinder strangles him with the garden hose.
Mohinder: Yikes!
Claire: And since it's obvious because, the garden hose rubbed off on his hands.
Mohinder: It's true…..He was making me very agitated. Sylar didn't help.
Sylar: Yeah, well…..
Claire: Well, that's out of the way…..so who did kill Niki?
Noah: Angela did.
Nathan: What? How is this?
Noah: Angela found out that Linderman was cheating on her with Niki The Maid. Which was why she was getting paid more.
(Niki: Which would never happen in real life because…EW!)
Noah: Angela also found out that Niki would get Linderman's money if anything happened, so….Angela had to put a stop to it. So…..she grabbed the pool cue….AND…
Everyone: UGH!....
Claire: Man, talk about brutal….
Peter: That means that Angela was killed by Sylar…it went like this….
---
On the second floor.
Sylar: HA! I just killed everyone! I must kill more!
He runs down the hallway and into Angela.
Sylar: MOVE IT, OLD WOMAN!
Sylar pushes Angela down the stairs.
Angela: EEK!
---
Sylar: That didn't happen!
Nathan: Of course, Niki killed Angela by poisoning her.
Noah: With this knife!
Nathan: No…..Niki figured that Angela would try something since it was only a matter of time when she found out, so she snuck into the kitchen, grabbed some poison Matt wanted to use on Linderman for hating his food. And poison Angela, though it didn't end up kicking in until Angela was making her way downstairs, which is where we found her.
Peter: Uh….okay, well, that might have happened….but I know who killed Hiro!
Elle: It was me.
Peter: DAMMIT! Stop solving the mysteries!
Elle: I got a little drunk after drinking too much Yoo Hoo.
Claire: That's not an alcoholic beverage.
Elle: I'm a light weight. Anyway, I asked Hiro if he wanted to dance so we went upstairs, and I accidentally pushed him out the window. But I'm sober now……
Nathan: Right…….
Peter: Okay, well I know who killed the Haitian! And nobody can…..
Mohinder: It was Nathan.
Peter: FISH PASTE!!!
Mohinder: We were the only two on the second floor. Nathan deliberately chose to look into the bathroom to find the Haitian (where he put him), to create an alibi. But we all know why you didn't like the Haitian….
Nathan: Because he's used to be my son's gym teacher and he treated him like crap so…..I dodge balled him to death.
Elle: What a horrible way to go.
Peter: Grr…..okay……then who killed Linderman? I know I have to solve this one.
Sylar: Solve what, it still had to be you.
Peter: NO! That's not possible.
The bell rings, the police charge into the building.
Police: Okay, everybody put your hands up. I want Linderman's murderer to step forward.
Peter: That wasn't the only murder that happened tonight.
Police: Well, Linderman is the only one we care about, we'll deal with the others later.
Peter: GAH!
Police: So, you did it?
Peter: I didn't!
Police: Well, we'll probably give you the chair anyway.
Peter: I get a chair! How sweet…..
Police: …..
Peter: Oh….that chair.
A barking is heard as Mr. Muggles runs downstairs.
Sandra: Mr. Muggles! I've been looking for you.
Peter: Wait……Can I show you something? It'll only take a second.
The group ends up in the master bedroom.
Peter: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…..the murderer.
He points to none other than Mr. Muggles!
Sandra: GASP!
Noah: Oh, seriously Peter…..
Nathan: Yeah, man….that's a pretty pathetic attempt.
Peter: Linderman was up here. Can we have the body please?
Mohinder and Nathan throw Linderman's body in the Master Bedroom.
Peter: He never intended on anybody winning. In fact, he was going to use this gun.
Peter reaches under the bed and pulls out a gun.
Nathan: Is that the revolver…?
Peter: Nope! It's his own pistol. He was going to off each and every one of us.
Claire: Why?
Peter: Because, he was going to give that money away and write it off on his taxes. But wouldn't it be smarter to do that, but still keep your money.
Nathan: That's insurance fraud, but okay.
Peter: Who is going to tell…..we'd all be dead. He was loading his pistol when he tripped, the gun accidentally went off which caused this!
He pulled the rug back to find a hole in the ground.
Peter: The bullet went straight below into the billiard room. The gun wasn't shot from down there since there is no bullet hole in the ceiling of this room.
Nathan: So that's it…..he just tripped?
Peter: Not without a little help from…..
Peter lifts up Linderman's pant leg revealing bite marks.
Peter: ….an ankle biter.
Noah: It was Elle!? I never would have guessed.
Elle: He's talking about the dog, you dumb piece of…
Sandra: Mr. Muggles?! Bad dog!
They all laugh.
Police: Well, good job son…..great detective work. Hey, we could use a man like you on the force.
Peter: Really?!
Police: Yeah right! That kinda stuff takes training….dream on, pal.
Peter: Grr…..
They start to walk away, the Police begin handcuffing the other murderers.
Claire: Well, I'm glad you got your name cleared Peter, it was nice meeting you.
Peter: Yup, hopefully we'll see each other again on the other side.
Claire: Huh?
Peter: Oh, nothing. Well, my work here is done.
Peter is walking down the hall, Isaac is standing there.
Peter: Well, how did I do?
Isaac: Pretty poorly, but not too bad for the first trial.
Peter: Can I leave now?
Isaac: Yup……
Isaac gives Peter a shove as he tumbles downstairs. He finds himself back in the lab.
Peter: Oh poppycock! I'm back here again.
Dr. Alex: Mr. Petrelli, I'm glad to see you're still in good condition.
Peter: Well, that sucked! If I'm going to rip off another board game it better be Candy Land, damn you!
Dr. Alex: Get some rest, Mr. Petrelli. We will start your next trial first thing tomorrow morning.
She turns around and walks away……
Peter: Any chance I can get some food….those Lunchables didn't really do anything for me……Hello?..........
To Be Continued…
Next Sunday…..On an all new Heroes Parody Project…..2!
A young boy is born with an extraordinary ability.
Mohinder: Is there no other kind!?
Niki: Stop talking to yourself.
Who ends up befriending Claire….
Kevin: My name is Kevin.
Claire: Well, I'm going to try to not let this turn into a cheesy romance, since those never turn out good….
And his power ends up getting the best of him.
Kevin is walking down the hall, touching people on the shoulder and instantly killing them.
Mohinder: It's just amazing; this boy is like….the grim reaper.
Claire: I just can't win, can I?
And now, somebody wants him…
Elle: I have the proof you need….Sylar is alive.
Noah: Make preparations to launch the jet.
Elle: Which I've cleverly named, The Elle-Wing!
Noah: WHAT?!
Kevin: I need help with my ability….and you are the only one I can trust.
Sylar (with a fake moustache): You came to the right place…..(It falls off, he slaps it back on)…..we can accomplish great things.
New Heroes Parody Project, Next Sunday.
