"Harley, get the door!" shouted Joker in response to the knocking. He didn't look up from his newspaper, engrossed in the story about a mysterious sanitation explosion killing thousands – his own handiwork, he was proud to say. He grinned at the photos of the victims and then paused to refill his pipe. The Joker was normally a cigar man, exploding cigars by preference, but it was a funnier gag to smoke a pipe now that he was a father. That was what stereotypical fathers did, and the Joker was anything but a stereotypical father, so smoking a pipe was quite the joke to him. He leaned back in his armchair with his slippered feet up as the children played on the floor – if play could describe what they were doing. Normally Arleen and J.J. were the best of friends, but they had gotten into one of their more violent moods, and now J.J. was chasing Arleen around the room trying to spray Joker toxin at her while she shrieked and tried to defend herself with an axe and gun. She screamed suddenly as the toxin splashed her and cried out, "Daddy! J.J.'s poisoning me!"
"Well, you just poison him right back," said Joker calmly, still reading his paper. The floor around them was dotted with weapons and broken toys – knives, saws, sticks of dynamite, mutilated stuffed animals and a flaming Batmobile. The Joker listened to the sound of his children screaming and smiled, lighting his pipe again and leaning back. "Such a happy home," he chuckled.
The knocking came again, interrupting what in his mind was a very peaceful scene of domestic bliss. He frowned and shouted, "Harley, the door!"
"I'm coming, puddin'!" she cried, entering the room and wiping her hands on her apron. "But I am in the middle of cooking dinner!"
"Is that what you call putting TV dinners in the oven?" he asked, sarcastically.
"For your information, I use a microwave!" she snapped. "And it's still cooking! And since you're too lazy to get up to open a door about four feet away from you, it'll probably be burned now!"
"Who could tell the difference?" he muttered, fluffing his paper.
She glared at him and opened the door. She started back in surprise when she saw who it was.
"Jervis?" she asked. "What are you doing here? And what've you done to your clothes?" she asked, noticing the blackened and charred remains of his suit and hat.
"It's a long story – may I come in?" he asked.
"Sure," said Harley, holding open the door. "Play nice, kids!" she shouted. "We've got a guest! You remember your Uncle Jervis?"
"Hi, Uncle Jervis!" cried Arleen, throwing down her weapons and rushing over to him with J.J. following her.
"How do you do, children?" he asked. "Forgive me if I don't hug you, but my hands are rather full at the moment."
He gently drew aside his coat to reveal little Alice clinging to his neck, staring around her with blue eyes wide in astonishment. "Aw, hi, sweetie!" said Harley, bending down and smiling at her. "Where did you come from?"
"This is my goddaughter, Alice," said Tetch. "She's…um…well, it's difficult to explain what's happened, but…I thought I should see you about it first. It involves…um…" He glanced at Arleen and J.J. and then muttered, "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, how I wonder what you're at?"
Joker looked at him and then slowly put down his paper. "Well, in that case, why don't you leave little Alice here to play with my kiddies while we go into the study? Kids, no weapons," he said, standing up.
"Yes, Daddy," they mumbled.
Tetch put Alice down and murmured, "I won't be a moment, my love. Don't be scared."
He kissed her head tenderly and then followed Joker out of the room. "I'm gonna check on dinner – you kids make Alice feel welcome," said Harley, leaving them.
Arleen smiled at her. "Hi, Alice, I'm Leenie, and this is J.J.," she said. "You wanna play with my dolls?" she asked, holding one out to her.
"Um…ok," stammered Alice, taking the doll from her. She screamed as the head fell off.
"Aw, sorry," said Arleen, picking it up and frowning. "Daddy was showing me what decapitation was. Do y'know what it is, Alice? It's when somebody cuts your head off. Daddy says the head stays alive for a few seconds after it's separated from the body, so it can still see and stuff. Wouldn't that be kinda weird, Alice?" she asked, studying the head calmly. "To see stuff while your head's rolling around on the ground?"
J.J. had lost interest and sat himself down in a corner by a box of tools, shifting through them calmly and putting pieces together. "Here, have another doll," Arleen said. "We can make up a story about them. I'll be a psychiatrist," she said, reaching for another doll. "And you can be the patient. You can make up any kinda mental disorder you want – schizophrenia, paranoia, nymphomania…"
"What's that?" asked Alice.
"I dunno," said Arleen. "Daddy won't tell me. But he says Mommy has it. He says that's why we're here."
The Joker emerged from the study and shouted, "Harley, you wanna get in here?"
"I'm making dinner, puddin'!" she shouted.
"Just pause the microwave!"
"I dunno how!"
"Christ, Harley, even I know how to do that, you dumb blonde!" he shouted, heading toward the kitchen. He passed J.J. on the way and looked at him.
"Whatcha making, kiddo?" he asked, indicating the mass of materials.
"It's a pipe bomb, Daddy," said J.J., his eyes narrowed in concentration. "Or it will be."
Joker clapped him on the back. "Good boy," he said, continuing on into the kitchen.
They both joined Tetch in the study and shut the door firmly. "Now what was so urgent that it needed to interrupt my cooking?" demanded Harley.
"Tetchy here says Bats killed Alice's parents," muttered Joker. "Set their house on fire."
"Bats wouldn't do a thing like that," retorted Harley.
"No, I didn't think so either," agreed Tetch. "But I saw him at the scene of the crime. And Alice told me that he…set her parents on fire. She wouldn't make that up – she's not a fanciful child."
Harley looked from Joker to Tetch. "You think Bats has finally snapped?" she asked. "Maybe after he tried to kidnap Leenie and J.J. last year, and J.J. shot him in the leg…maybe that made him lose it?"
Joker shook his head. "It just ain't like Bats," he muttered. "Kidnapping, yeah, because he don't see us as fit parents. In his twisted mind he's doing the right thing by saving them from our influence. But there's not even a crazy way to twist burning people into being right, well, not since the Spanish Inquisition, anyway. And nobody expects them!" he chuckled. "Anyway Bats don't kill."
"So what are you suggesting happened?" asked Tetch. "My goddaughter is not a liar."
"Didn't say she was," snapped Joker. "I believe she saw a man in a bat costume, and I believe you did too. I just don't think it was Bats."
"You mean somebody's copying him and committing crimes?" asked Tetch. "To what end?"
"To make people think Bats has lost it," retorted Joker. "To tarnish his name and reputation. How should I know? I just know that guy wasn't Bats. I know Bats. He ain't got the guts for that kinda fun. He's crazy, but he ain't homicidal."
"And so what are we going to do about this Bat impersonator?" asked Tetch. "I will not let Alice's murder go unavenged."
"Bats'll probably take care of him," retorted Joker. "The guy won't take kindly to someone like that trying to be him. And if he don't, we will, once he strikes again and we can figure out who he is. I don't want any pathetic nutjob going around thinking he can be Bats, or hurt Bats. That's only for the select few, like me."
"And…what am I to do with Alice?" asked Tetch quietly.
Joker shrugged. "Take care of her. Or dump her in an orphanage if you don't wanna be burdened with a kid. I don't blame you if you don't - they can be quite the handful. But personally I believe mine are a joke worth keeping," he chuckled.
"But I don't know anything about children," replied Tetch.
"Aw, it ain't hard, Jervis," said Harley, smiling. "Mr. J and me didn't know nothing about kids either. But all you gotta do is love 'em. Do that, and they'll turn out all right, just like ours…"
The study wall exploded at that moment, sending debris flying everywhere. Joker peeked his head out to see J.J. waving at him. "It worked, Daddy!" he exclaimed happily.
"Atta boy, J.J.!" cried Joker, rushing over to pick him up and kiss him. "Who's my little genius? J.J. just built his first pipe bomb, Harl!" he said, smiling at her.
"Aw, baby, you're just as smart as your Daddy!" cooed Harley, rushing to embrace him. "Just as handsome, too," she said, kissing Joker.
"It's ok, Alice, it's just an explosion," said Arleen, who was trying to coax Alice out from behind the sofa. She had run and hid when the bomb went off, but now peered out cautiously. "Daddy says an explosion a day keeps the Bat away!"
"What…Bat?" stammered Alice, terrified.
"Batman," muttered Arleen, her eyes narrowing in hatred. "He's a bad, evil man. He tried to kidnap me and J.J., but J.J. shot him in the leg. And then Daddy threatened him. He told him to stay away from us or he'd kill him. And Daddy wasn't joking like he usually is."
"Batman…set my home on fire," murmured Alice. "I'm scared of him," she whispered, drawing her legs up behind the sofa.
"Aw, so am I, Alice," said Arleen, joining her. "But don't you worry. Daddy ain't gonna let anything happen to me or J.J. And Uncle Jervis ain't gonna let anything happen to you. Ain't that right, Uncle Jervis?" she asked, smiling as Tetch came over to them.
"That's right, Alice," he murmured. "I'll protect you from Batman, and from anyone else who tries to hurt you. You don't need to be afraid."
Alice slowly crawled out from behind the sofa and into his arms. He kissed her forehead tenderly. "I'm going to take you home, Alice," he murmured. "And you're going to be safe and sound. Nobody is ever going to hurt you again."
He reached into his jacket and handed her a small parcel. "I forgot to give you your present," he murmured. "I won't say Happy Birthday, but I do hope you like it."
Alice unwrapped it slowly to reveal a cuddly stuffed white rabbit. Her eyes filled with tears and she kissed his cheek gently. "Thank you, Uncle Jervis," she whispered, hugging it tightly.
Tetch embraced her and nodded at the Joker family. "I shall see you all soon. Goodnight. The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things – of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings…"
He recited the poem to Alice as he left, holding her gently in his arms. "Why would Batman wanna hurt Alice, Mommy?" asked Arleen, coming over to join the rest of her family.
"Because he's a monster, baby," murmured Harley, picking her up. "An evil, cruel, heartless monster. But don't you worry. Your Daddy and me ain't gonna let him hurt you. Not ever," she said, kissing her. Arleen hugged her tightly as Joker held J.J. in one arm and embraced Harley with the other. His normally smiling face was deadly serious.
"Not ever," he murmured.
