What still got Shinji after all this time was that it didn't look like a psychologist's office. There were no diplomas hanging on the wall or a couch for him to lie down on. There wasn't even a desk though he suspected that it had to be kept in another room. There were two armchairs around a coffee table and a lamp off to the side. It looked more like a living room than an office.
He didn't notice these details the first time he visited the military psychologist though. Shinji had only gone because Misato forced him to go. He hadn't bothered arguing. What was the point? Misato kept telling him that the war was over and that he could do anything he wanted now.
She obviously didn't believe these words herself, so how could she expect him to believe it? With her father's death and just recently the demise of Kaji and Ritsuko, she was just as messed up as he was. And she was expecting him to move on with his life?
What was there to celebrate? Shinji had been glad to hear that Asuka came out of her coma a few hours after NERV had imploded. That relief faded when he visited her and saw that she was merely a shell of her former self. Kaworu was dead and only he seemed to care that the boy had been more than an Angel. And while he may have hated his father he found that he missed him. Was he messed up or what?
And Rei... the less he thought about Rei the better.
He was consumed with such despair that he could barely muster the energy to return the greeting when the brown-haired man introduced himself as Lukas Samuels.
Shinji did feel a flicker of surprise when he realized the man was American though he realized that he shouldn't have. The end of the Angel attacks had seen a large increase in the use of counseling services and Japan had ended up having to call in specialists from other nations to deal with the need.
Nothing but the best for the poor, broken pilots, he thought bitterly.
Doctor Samuels was dressed very casually in a blue polo shirt and jeans rather than in the lab coat or military uniform that he had expected.
Shinji had hoped to receive some antidepressants or some other prescription then be sent on his way. He would have welcomed such an impersonal approach. The sight of the friendly, relaxed man told him that wasn't going to happen.
He knew that taking some pills wouldn't solve anything, but anything had to be better than feeling like this. The ironic thing was that even after everything that happened to him, he wasn't suicidal. He didn't want to die. He just wanted the gnawing pain to go away.
And that would only make him feel worse because he knew that he deserved to feel this way. For all the mistakes he had made and the pain he had caused to everyone around him.
Shinji waited for the man to either badger him with questions or tell him that it was stupid to keep feeling bad, but instead Samuels said, "It's not every day that I see a teenage hero."
"I'm not a hero."
The reply was flat and emotionless. Shinji was suddenly reminded of Rei's soft monotone and he grimaced.
Samuels raised an eyebrow.
"I see I hit a nerve," he said mildly.
He thought he lost the capability to feel any real emotion, but he was feeling anger now. His voice rising, Shinji said, "Everyone keeps congratulating me! Like any kid in a giant robot couldn't have done it. I'm not brave or heroic. I wasn't even trained for this!"
"Do you deny rescuing Pilot Sohryu from a volcano? Or coming back to NERV even after your own father threw you out to fight against the Fifteenth Angel?"
Shinji rubbed his temple. "Saving Asuka was just dumb luck. We both could have died. And I wouldn't have come back at all if it wasn't for Kaji. And it doesn't matter! You're overlooking the facts that I nearly killed a little girl in my first fight, crippled her brother, and couldn't even help Asuka when she was mind-raped!"
"Wasn't it your father's fault in each of those cases?" Samuels pointed out. "It was his decision to send out an unskilled pilot at the last minute. And you can hardly be blamed when he takes control of your unit for his own ends."
"If I had proved myself to Father, maybe he wouldn't have..." Shinji muttered.
"So you attribute all your successes to luck or some other external factor and all your failures are the result of your incompetence and inner weakness alone."
Shinji didn't know how to reply to that.
"That's a rather egotistical attitude to have," Samuels said.
"Are you saying that I'm proud of my failures?" Shinji asked incredulously.
"You're claiming that the world was saved despite all your efforts. You ignore every event that displays your courage and focus only on the ones where you failed. And you feel sorely responsible for those failures."
"What do you want from me?" Shinji cried. "Fine! I saved the world. All I had to do was kill someone who loved me by popping his head like a pimple!"
Shinji covered his face with his hands and struggled not to break down.
"Kaworu Nagisa wanted you to kill him," Samuels said gently. "Do you know why?"
Why did he keep pushing? Why couldn't he just leave him alone? Shinji wanted to ignore the man, but he found himself speaking. "Because he wanted me to live. And I don't know why. I'm nobody. I'm worthless. What the hell did he see in me? He was so much better than me... All my so-called successes do not make up for my mistakes!"
There was a long drawn-out silence.
"And punishing yourself for those mistakes will not undo them."
The truth of those words hit him and he began to cry. He didn't care any more. Shinji said, "But what else can I do? I didn't want to kill him. I didn't want to hurt Touji. I never wanted any of this! I know that it's over. Everyone keeps telling me that it's over and I should move on.
"But I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm a fraud. Asuka and R-R-Rei fought and suffered so much and I come out on top? What sense does that make?"
He looked up, his tears almost blinding him, and saw Doctor Samuels holding a handkerchief out to him. Shinji took it and wiped his face.
"You suffered grievously in this war," Samuels began then he paused. "No, your pain began long before you came to this city. No one is disputing that. But you can't dispute that you had just as much to do with stopping the Angels as the other pilots and the technicians and the scientists and the command staff at NERV. You all made mistakes, but you did what had to be done.
"Shinji, you are a hero whether you believe it or not. You wanted to run away but you didn't. Your actions say more about you than any beliefs you have about yourself. You are not perfect, but nobody is and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with you. Someone should have told you that a long time ago."
Shinji nodded, but he didn't know whether it was in agreement or simply to tell the doctor to continue.
"You will never live a full life if you continue to believe that your father left you because there was something wrong with you, or that you are responsible for every bad thing that happens in your life. I want to help you, but you have to let me try."
Then the doctor asked the questions that changed everything for him. "Aren't you tired of hating yourself? Would you like to change?"
Shinji had been startled. The doctor asked the question as if hating himself was something that could be changed. He was also giving him a choice, which was not something that he had ever really had.
He felt conflicted. Everything the doctor said made sense, but he didn't want to believe it. Believing it would mean hoping and admitting that he was capable of being better. He didn't know if he wanted to do that. But it would be nice to have someone listen to him for once.
And he wanted the pain to stop...
That was six months ago.
Shinji had learned much about himself and psychology in general. Lukas Samuels was a practitioner of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Unlike traditional therapy, the therapist took an active part in solving their clients' problems.
Doctor Samuels had helped him change the way he felt and acted around other people. Shinji had to change the thinking patterns that gave him a distorted view of the world and made him anxious and depressed. He had to learn better ways to react to troublesome situations than profusely apologizing or withdrawing inward.
CBT was usually brief with patients able to complete their treatments in just a few weeks or months even with problems that traditionally took years to resolve. Then clients would come back only when they had a problem as they would with a dentist or an accountant. And Shinji definitely needed his services today.
Today's session started in its usual fashion. There was the obligatory small talk where Shinji gave an update on how he was coping with being back in school and the doctor would talk about the funny incidents that occurred at a military base.
This was normally Shinji's favorite part of these sessions since it felt more like two friends having a conversation than a clinical appointment, but today he couldn't hold in his agitation.
"I want to talk about Rei," Shinji blurted.
Samuels blinked at the interruption then he smiled slightly. "Rei Ayanami. First Children?"
"Yeah, but you know that," Shinji replied, giving the doctor a look.
"I'm just a little surprised. I couldn't help noticing that you always broke off after mentioning her name. Normally, I wouldn't have hesitated to probe, but because of everything else that was going on in your life I felt it was best to focus on other issues. Besides, I'm not here to solve all your problems, but to teach you how to handle them on your own."
"I tried handling it on my own and I failed!" Shinji complained. He quickly recounted what happened between him and Rei at school earlier. He closed his eyes and leaned back. The encounter still hurt. He wanted to blame the miserable outcome on the girl being the Third Rei rather than the familiar one he had always known, but he knew that attitude was what got him in this situation in the first place.
Maybe she was different or maybe she was exactly the same, but he mistreated her all the same.
Shinji said morosely, "She wouldn't even look at me."
"Did you ask her if she liked your gifts? I understand that she expresses her emotions differently from other people."
Shinji shook his head. "I didn't have to ask. I may not know Rei that well, but I know her better than anyone else. She treated me differently. But today, it was like I wasn't anything to her anymore. Not a pilot, not Commander Ikari's son. Not... anything."
"You weren't special anymore," Samuels said.
Shinji squirmed. It seemed so arrogant when it was said out loud, but that was how he felt. And perhaps he should feel bad. He said softly, "I deserved it. She should be angry at me."
Samuels looked concerned. "Shinji..."
Shinji held up a hand to cut him off. "No, I'm not backsliding. For once, this is my fault." He paused, looking uncertain. "You've read the files. You know about Rei's... origins?"
Samuels closed his notebook and leaned forward. "I am aware of all the classified material pertaining to the Children. To be honest, that is one of the reasons I was hesitant to speak up. This is a... unique situation, to say the least. But I will help you however I can."
"I appreciate that," Shinji replied. He looked down, not knowing where to begin. Like Doctor Samuels had said, he had never talked about Rei. He tried so hard not to even think about her. Why did he feel like talking now?
Because I'm worried about her.
"After the Sixteenth Angel... after she sacrificed her life..." Shinji trailed off, his throat clogging up. He looked over at the painting of sailboats on the ocean and composed himself. "Watching her die was the most painful experience of my life. It was like watching my mother die again."
Shinji stopped when he realized what he said. Oh, the irony. My mother... and Rei... no, let's not go into that now.
"I was so happy to hear that she survived. I visited her in the hospital and it hurt that she didn't even remember me. The doctors told me that was normal. Post-traumatic amnesia or something..."
Samuels waited a minute for Shinji to continue then he prompted, "But it wasn't normal?"
Shinji propped up his head on the arm of his chair. He said, "It depends on what you mean by normal. After I found out... about Rei... Doctor Akagi said that the memory transfer took some time to settle down properly. I don't even know why she told me that."
"Maybe she thought it would help you," Samuels suggested.
Shinji snorted. "She had a funny way of helping then. Showing me that tank then expecting me to go on like before. I want to be angry at her. Maybe I needed to know the truth, but did she have to do it then? After I saw Rei die!
"It was too much. I couldn't handle it. I ran away again, from the only person who never tried to make me feel bad for who I was."
"But you felt that you had a good reason," Samuels said.
"I guess. I didn't think she was the real Rei. I thought it was a fake, an imposter. I didn't want anything to do with her. She wasn't even human. Looking at her would just remind me that a friend of mine died. Because she could look like her, sound like her, have all of her memories, but she wasn't her."
Samuels asked quietly, "What changed?"
"Kaworu."
The name hung in the air and Shinji had to blink back tears. "Even before I discovered that he was an Angel, I knew he couldn't have been human. Grey hair, red eyes. I suspected that he had to be like Rei. But I didn't ask. I didn't care.
"He reminded me of her," Shinji said, his voice barely audible. "It took me a long time to make that connection. It wasn't until I saw her again that I realized how stupid I had been. I learned that my avoiding of Rei had nothing to do with what she was. That I didn't really think that she was a fake. Those were just excuses. I just didn't want to get hurt again.
"Kaworu was safe, or so I thought. He wouldn't die on me or forget me. And best of all, he didn't need anything from me. I could take what I needed without having to do anything for him in return."
Shinji raised his head, his eyes blazing with self-contempt. He spat, "If I had really cared, I would have treated the Third Rei with more respect. I would have treated her like a person. Because while she may not be the Rei Ayanami, she is Rei in all the ways that matter and treating her how I did was despicable. I might as well have been my father for the way I thought about her.
"As soon as it turned out that Rei needed me more than I needed her, I bailed. I have to make it up to her. Doctor, I know that it's no good blaming myself for things that can't be changed. I know that what I found out about Rei would have shocked anyone. I accept that what I did was wrong and I should try to be a better person, but I can't forgive myself for what I did. Because it's not up to me."
Shinji glanced up expecting to see disappointment on the older man's face, but to his surprise, he saw a look of satisfaction.
"Shinji, I am really proud of you," Samuels said warmly.
"What?" Shinji asked incredulously.
"The old you wouldn't have gotten further than wallowing in guilt. That Shinji would have hid from his problems. You took responsibility for your actions without also falling into hopelessness. You have decided to do something about this."
"Uh, that's good, I'm guess," Shinji replied, feeling a little uncertain. On one hand, it felt good that the doctor thought he was making personal progress, but it felt strange to be praised after talking about his horrible actions.
The point is to look forward, not backwards, Shinji reminded himself. He shook himself out of his introspection and said, "So what do you think I should do about Rei?"
"I need a little more information about her. Files can only tell me so much," Samuels replied. "Why do you think Rei liked you in the first place?"
"Probably because I resembled Father," Shinji sighed then caught himself. He looked up with a guilty look. Oops.
Samuels gave him a pointed look then he said, "Maybe to begin with but after that?"
Over the next half hour, Shinji told him about his history with Rei. He talked about the attack of the Fifth Angel and how she had sworn to protect him and he had been terrified that she had died doing so. He stumbled over the embarrassing incident of delivering Rei's NERV card and how he had been convinced that she would hate him forever.
He had forgotten the good times that had drawn him to her in the first place. Having her thank him for cleaning her apartment or simply quietly walking down the hallways at NERV together, he had felt a deep sense of peace.
I was so busy concentrating on the bad, he thought sadly.
Samuels interrupted his thoughts. "It sounds like you were friends to me."
Maybe we really were. Out loud, he said, "Not any longer then."
"But it's possible to rebuild. It sounds like Rei is lost. That's why she's coming to school even though she has never shown any interest in it. She's taking comfort in her old routines. I think that she needs help."
"She doesn't want my help," Shinji replied.
"Are you going to let that stop you?" Samuels asked seriously.
"No," Shinji said immediately. "As her friend, that shouldn't matter to me. But what can I do?"
"Follow your instincts. They're done fine for you so far."
"I didn't come here for a fortune cookie," Shinji said, smiling. It used to irritate him when the doctor would force him to think of a solution himself, but he'd come to realize that he needed a sounding board more than he needed someone to solve all his problems.
"Okay, this is what I was thinking..." Shinji began.
