A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews!! Since you liked the first one, here's another installment...let me know what you think, pleeeese!!
Seditionary
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My Boyfriend, the Joker, pt. 2
Ow, damn it....Excuse me, mister? Is that seat taken? Oh, heeey! Hey, there! Long time no see, huh? You're...Mark, was it? No, Mike!! Right, Mike, sorry, I'm bad with names, but I never forget a face! Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? Yeah, I blew off classes the last couple of weeks because of my arm. Yeah, my damn arm's broken. Oh, it sucks! Let me tell you, it's a good thing I'm right handed or I'd be in a lot of trouble at work if I couldn't use my calculator and stuff.
But, you know what, this is nothing. You shoulda seen me after it happened--I looked like someone went after me with a damn baseball bat, which is practically what happened...can you see where I had a black eye? Look right here, see? It's almost gone now, but, man, I had quite the shiner. And a split lip, and a bunch of bruises, and I don't know what all else. I was a mess!
Yeah, well, thank you....How'd it happen? Gosh, it's a long story, and to tell you the truth, it's a little embarrassing. Seriously, I hate to tell you what a dummy I was. It was kind of a good thing, though, really, I found out just what a bad judge of character I am, this little incident really opened my eyes. I always thought I had, you know, kind of a sixth sense about people, but, boy, was I ever wrong!
In fact, I really blew it, and I mean big time. What's that? The Joker? Uh...no, I'm still seeing him--why do you ask?....Oh! Ooohhh--you think the Joker did this to me? Oh, gosh, no! Hey, I'm sorry, you don't know what I'm talking about, do you? You know, I'm bad about that, the Joker always tells me that. "Dammit, babe, I do not have a fucking clue in hell as to what it is that you are talking about," that's what he says to me all the time. "Give me a little context, will ya, kid?" he says.
Listen, that sweetie-pie never laid a hand on me. Look here, he signed my cast with little x's and o's and a smiley face, isn't that adorable?...Although, if you want to get right down to it, this was kind of his fault. And, boy, does he feel terrible about it, too.
I mean, that's one of the things I love about him, he's so sympathetic with people. I used to date this guy in high school and when I had the cramps, he was such a meanie! But not the Joker, no sir, he really is good about stuff like that. "Hey, babe, you don't look so good, why don't you shut the hell up and go lie down for a little while til you feel better? Don't make me put you out of my misery!" he'll tell me, ha ha! Yeah, he's just the nicest guy! I'm sorry, what? Oh, right, I was going to tell you how it happened.
Uh...gosh, you really want to hear this story? Oh, I hate to tell you. You'll think I'm an idiot. Yes, you will. Yes, you will. And I am. How could I have been so dumb?
Ok, ok. I'm going to tell you, but you have to promise not to laugh. No, promise me. Promise! Ok. You're going to think I'm an idiot, but here goes.
The Joker didn't clobber me.
It was the Batman.
Now, I've been hearing about this guy on the news for the longest time, and I honestly thought he would be a nice person, fighting crime, being a dark knight and all that PR crap, but was I ever wrong. I mean, you go to a classy party, you don't expect some jerk in a bat suit to come crashing in, making a mess and beating you up, am I right? But that's what happened to me, and yeah, I'm still pissed about it! Although, like I said, I really was stupid.
Well, let me start at the beginning. See, the Joker usually calls me two, three times a day, just to say hi, see what I'm doing, making sure I'm not screwing some co-worker in the bank vault or anything, just regular boyfriend type stuff, you know? And, just between you and me, I think it's sweet. I mean, he wouldn't do that if he didn't care. So, yeah, I act all annoyed sometimes, but I'd miss those calls if he stopped. Which brings me to how this all started.
I'm at the bank and the day just flies by, and before I know it, it's five o'clock and time to go home. And, suddenly, it occurs to me that the whole day went by, and I haven't heard from him once. Now, that's not too unusual, I mean, a guy gets busy, I understand that, but then I don't hear from him the next day, either.
Now, I'm an old-fashioned kind of girl, and I'm not too likely to go running after a guy, calling him up a hundred times a day, I'm not one of those whiny, needy types, but I have to tell you, I was getting worried. I mean, people get hit by buses, have heart attacks, fall off buildings, stuff like that all the time, and it's not like the Joker's in a low-risk type of business, right? So, I finally called him, and guess what, no answer. So, now I'm practically freaking out, leaving like, fifty messages on his phone and stuff, but I still don't hear from him! And, the next day comes by, and still--not a word!!
So, I'm like debating what to do--it's not as if I can call the cops or anything, ha ha--when there's a knock at my door. So, I get up to answer it, and there's the Joker, acting like nothing's wrong! "Hi, babe, what's shakin'?" he says, all big innocent eyes and that killer smile of his. "What's shaking?" I say. "I'm out of my mind worrying about you, and you have the nerve to ask what's shaking?!" And he starts laughing, just like always.
Well, now I'm mad! I mean, if he's dead it's one thing, but if he blew me off for three days straight, that's just rude. So I say to him, I say, "What's the matter, were your hands broken?" and he says, "No, babe, my phone died", and I'm all like, "Oh, and every pay phone in Gotham is out of order I suppose?" and he says, "No, but I didn't have any change", and I'm like, you're a fucking bank robber and you couldn't come up with a couple of quarters for a phone call?? and he's just like, "Hey, back off, honey, you don't have to get sore about it" and I'm like, steamed.
You know, I love the guy, but he can be real thoughtless sometimes, it's like he's in his own little world. Like the other day when I had to pay for dinner again because he forgot his wallet. Now, come on, the guy doesn't even OWN a wallet, what kind of lame-ass excuse is that? And I called him on it. I knew he just didn't want to break a hundred dollar bill. He's funny about stuff like that.
But...aw, I don't mean to make it sound like he's cheap. He's not! He can be real generous with people. You take this police officer that works the beat down by Joker's warehouse, I've seen my guy reach into his pocket and hand that cop a wad of bills as big as your fist, just out of the kindness of his heart. He knows cops don't make squat, what with budget cut-backs and all, and the guy has a wife and two kids. That's what I mean, the Joker helps him out all the time and never thinks twice about it! Generous, you know?
Anyway, back to the story, listen, he can be the most charming guy. I mean it, he can be the worst jerk one minute and make you forget all about it the next, he's that good. Now, I know that about him, so I'm like determined not to go soft on him over this phone call thing. I mean, I was worried sick! So, I'm giving him the cold shoulder and all, and he's like, acting all sweet and oblivious. "Come'ere, baby, let me feel you up real good and then we'll watch some TV," like that's supposed to make up for scaring me half to death.
In fact, I'm like, ready to blow him off, and start going out with Roger, my bank manager, or something! But, he puts his arms around me, gives me a big old kiss, and starts telling me he's sorry, he had a lot going on, the mob's put a hit out on him, yada, yada, whatever, and of course, I just melt. So, we end up working it out in the bedroom, just like always, and by the time he's done with me, I really don't care whether he ever uses the phone again or not.
So, we're lyin' there, and we've done it, like, three times in a row, like I told you before he's just freakin' insatiable, so I'm worn out, like I'm nearly falling asleep, when he says, "So, how'd you like to go to a party?" and I'm like, "What, right now?" and he's like, "Yeah, right now", and I'm all "What the hell?"
Because, I have to say, I've met a few of his buddies, and let me tell you, I don't ever want to go to one of their parties. They all belong in the loony bin if you ask me, I honestly don't know where he finds 'em, but I guess you always hate your boyfriend's pals, don't you?
So, I say, I can barely walk after spending an hour in the sack with you, what the hell do I want to go to a party for, and he's like, it's a real special party, and I need you to go with me, I don't want to go stag, and I'm like what kind of party is it? and he says, it's a real fancy deal, you need to dress up. And I'm like, dress up? I don't have anything to wear! And he's just cracking up, like my not having appropriate attire is so damn funny, but he doesn't understand how important that kind of thing is to a girl.
So, after a bunch of arguing back and forth, and him taking out his damn knife, which does NOT scare me, but just goes to show you how important this is to him, finally, I say, ok, I guess I can wear the thing I wore to the Christmas party last year. But, it's not really all that nice, and he says to show it to him, so I dig it out of the closet--it's this short little black satin number, it does look good on me, if I do say so myself, and I'm standing there naked, and he says, well, put it on, and I do and he gives this wolf whistle and says, that'll do nicely.
So, then, I say, so what am I supposed to do about shoes, and he's all rolling his eyes like it's a stupid question. Well, maybe you men think you can just throw on any old pair of shoes, but girls can't get away with that, you just can't. They have to be right for the occasion, you know? And all I have are these awful strappy black high heel things that hurt my feet. But, when you have to go to a damn party with five minutes notice, you do what you have to do, so I get myself cleaned up and dressed, and he's all impatient, which pisses me off 'cause I'm doing the best I can, but I finally get myself together and off we go.
So, he drives me out to the Palisades, which is--have you ever been out there? I had to go to some charity thing one time, my boss made me go, and let me tell you, those people have some kind of dough, Porsches and Mercedes are like Fords and Volkswagens around there, so I'm like freaking out, and I say to the Joker, "Sweetheart, who exactly is it that's giving this party?" and he says "Bruce Wayne", and I'm like, "NO WAY," and he's like, "Yes, WAY," and I'm going, uh-uh, there is no way thatBruce Wayne--Bruce Wayne the billionaire, right?--invited you to his party. I'm sorry, the Joker's a nice guy, but it's not like he runs in the hoity-toity social circles, am I right? I mean, I can recognize bull-crap when I see it.
So, he's like cracking up, and he admits that he didn't get a proper invitation, but we're meeting up with some of his pals and kind of crashing the party 'cause he needs to talk to this guy that's supposed to be there. Now, I am not into stuff like that, I do not want to overstep my bounds, but by this point, it was kind of too late, so I'm just thinking, this is going to be embarrassing.
I mean it's bad enough he's wearing the damn makeup to some class affair with the quality, but here we are, not even on the guest list or anything. Well, I took it with pretty good humor, if I do say so myself, because I didn't want to start another fight with Lover Boy there, and I figured, I'll just keep a low profile and get through the evening as best I can, and then I'll give him a piece of my mind when we get home.
Well, it sure didn't work out that way.
First off, the Joker's, like, armed. Now, he always has guns and knives and explosives and shit on him, I expect that, but whatever the hell he used to introduce himself with was a little much. I mean, those people had that deer-in-the-headlights look anyway when we came out of the elevator, he didn't have to blow holes in the ceiling to get their attention. But, leave it to him to make a big entrance. He's kind of ham like that, you know.
So, then, he's going around, chatting with people, real nice and friendly, when that bitch Rachel Dawes has the NERVE to start flirting with him! I mean, I was right there! And, of course, he's too polite not to talk with her, so I'm getting steamed, and I'm just about to say something like "Excuse me, Miss Dawes, I beg your pardon, but if you do not remove your goddamn hands off of my goddamn boyfriend, I will have to kick your sorry, Assistant DA ass all the way over to the East Side", when this maniac, Batman, comes crashing in!
Now, there is no call for him to react the way he did, getting into a fistfight with my guy and all, and I'm just losing it, I mean, all he had to do was ask politely that we leave, although I didn't see any damn engraved invitation in his hands, either.
So, naturally, the Joker has to defend himself, I mean, come on, what's he supposed to do, be a big weenie and let the Bat slap him around? So, they're getting all into it, and I'm just getting madder and madder.
All right, now this is where it gets embarrassing. I'm really going to show you what a dumb-ass I am. Don't laugh, ok? You promised, remember?
You have to understand, the Joker's kind of out-gunned, so to speak, where this Batman guy's concerned, and I was really scared for him. So--I took one of my damn high heels off and, like, attacked Batman with it. Oh, yeah, those five-inch tall steel heels are pretty serious weapons when you use 'em right, and I gave that Bat guy such a hit. Now, he's got, like, Kevlar armor or something, but that doesn't mean something like that doesn't smart a bit, and I was on him like a Rottweiler, defending my man, you know?
So, the Batman kind of flinches, and he throws a punch at my face, right in the eye! I mean, what a jerk! But, I'm like, furious, so I go back in for another shot at him, so he grabs me and he picks me up and throws me against the wall!! And I mean hard. I felt my arm snap when I hit, and I kind of blacked out and I guess I fell on my face, cause when I came to, I had blood all over my mouth and stuff. I don't know how long I was out, but when I woke up, both the Batman and that Rachel bitch were gone, which was fine with me.
And, when I opened my eyes, I saw the Joker was kneeling next to me, all worried and cute, saying, Babe? Babe? You ok, honey? Come on, get your ass up off the floor, we have to get out of here, and my arm was just kind of numb at the time, so he helped me up and we took off out of there.
And, you know, he was so sweet to me, taking me to the hospital, well, I mean, he slowed down near the hospital and I had to kind of jump out and walk up to the emergency room, but you know, that worked out ok because I had already taken off my other shoe by then.
So, what do you think, stupid, huh? My friend, Monica, says I was just trying to defend my boyfriend, it's just what anyone would do, but Batman is, like, a million feet tall, and I don't know what I was thinking. Heat of the moment, and all that, they say you do stuff because of the adrenaline, but I thought it was supposed to help you lift cars off of little kids, not act like an idiot around 900 lb. gorillas like Batman.
But, in spite of everything, I'm not sorry I did it, because the Joker felt so bad, he said he'd never go a whole day without calling me ever again, and really, that's worth just about anything, isn't it?
Oh, look, here's my stop already, wow, that just snuck up on me! Listen, you have a great evening, and I hope you don't think I'm a complete moron, going after Batman like that. Huh? Oh, that's so nice of you to say. You know, I really do feel better after talking about it, I mean, it just goes to show you, people do crazy things when they're in love, and I guess love's nothing to be ashamed of, huh?
Well, bye, now, see you next week, as long as I don't have another run-in with some jerk masquerading as a caped crusader, right? Ha ha! So long, Mike! Oh, I will, you too, see ya!
