Chapter Two – An Innuendo for an Insult
Author's Notes: Firstly, the feedback was pretty fun. It's pretty amazing how many people still want to read what I write. Crazies.
Secondly, it seemed like a number of people were asking about the 'watching Absolute Boyfriend' comment. It's a live action drama, not an anime, and I actually lost the link to the site I used to visit. Google is everyone's best friend.
Thirdly, and most importantly, this isn't a humor fiction. I'm stating that right now. Yes, humor is going to pop up, but I just can't stay funny all the time. Readers (no offence) are too demanding when it comes to humor. SO, if you thought this was going to be funny, you might want to bail.
Warnings: I'm going to mention the word God from time to time and I don't mean it as an offence to anyone, so if you see it pop up, don't be angry. Foul Language. Bad attempt at humor.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rating: B for Bullshit? No? K+? I don't know.
Chapter Two – An Innuendo for an Insult
(Not edited, sorry)
Sasuke wasn't really sure who he should hit first.
Shikamaru, who was currently in between laughing and confusion. Or the smiling blonde who had just pulled his bags into view, signaling his stay.
I
f his other friends weren't holding him back, he'd just hit them both.
"What in the fuck is this?" Sasuke hissed.
The blonde grinned, answering a question that was directed to anyone but him, "Anything you want it to be."
"Shikamaru!"
The man was chuckling, clutching his beer and fighting off tears, "I have no clue."
Sasuke jerked to get out of the grasps of his so-called friends, "You got a guy?"
"Technically, we called and asked for a pretty blonde that was fresh on the team." Kiba corrected, biting his lip to fight off the laughter that was threatening to burst through.
"You fucking idiots didn't think to ask for a damnable girl?"
"So you did want a girl."
"NO!"
Sasuke decided that life in prison was worth murdering everyone there.
"I'm not being pegged gay because you assholes don't know how to place an order!"
Kiba lost control of battling with keeping his laughter at bay, "Come on Uchiha…it was so obvious, you being gay and all. They must have known with how we described you."
Sasuke barely held in the groan.
He could hear Kiba's voice in his head reading off from a list his friends made.
'Yeah…What's he like? Well he has this gay slick back hair that I think for styling consists of a car battery and sixty gallons of hair gel, but he's sweet enough to leave his bangs alone. His skin's pale because the asshole doesn't ever see the light of day. His personality? How much do you like snakes? Cold blooded and has a thing for hiding under rocks till he wants to kill.'
"So, where will I be staying?" The blonde clapped his hands and rubbed them together in anticipation.
"In the fucking hallway."
Sasuke kicked the bottom of the door, listening to the resounding snap with a smirk, and didn't even bother listening to the protests of his friends.
"Shino, if you open that fucking door I will give the police a real reason to show up at the complex tonight." Sasuke warned as he began walking away, his friend's hands fallen from holding him.
Shino's hand paused a few inches from the door handle, looking in between all the others with a questioning look before a series of knocks came on the door.
Sasuke barely had his bedroom door shut and locked before he heard the voice ring out through the apartment of the pizza man announcing his arrival. He could hear his friends open the door and fight over payment.
Then he heard the devil chiming in as well.
The idiot blonde.
The dobe.
"Oh! I can have some too? You don't have ramen? Pizza's fine."
He managed to get inside.
Fuck.
Sasuke didn't get many days to just sit at home.
All day, to just take a break and relax.
He was working full time, and going to school full time, and it just never seemed to work to come home and relax with an annoying roommate and pestering friends.
Today was supposed to be his day.
The day he finally thought he got to sleep in, lay in bed till he just felt like getting up, and finally dragging himself to the shower only to get back out and lounge on the couch.
Not today.
Today, he felt something jump onto him, or at least he assumed 'jump on' by the sheer fact that some large amount of weight suddenly found it's way on top of him, waking him.
Which was very bad considering Sasuke was not a morning person.
Pale eyelids flew open to be greeted by the fresh, early morning sun that was screaming in through his open window. The only window in his room that had the blinds shut, that he swore he taped the damn blinds down.
Midnight eyes blinked away the harsh brightness, trying to find out what this sudden weight was to notice a bed tray lying across him sweetly, the blonde smiling down at him cutely.
"Breakfast in bed?" Sasuke questioned coldly, looking the blonde up and down.
Naruto was wearing a bright orange shirt, a few black words littering the front, a pair of black jeans sweetly hanging off his hips.
"Would you rather I be naked?" Naruto questioned as he reached for the hem of his shirt.
"NO!" Sasuke lurched upward to stop the blonde, and instantly spilled the tray all over his blanket and himself.
Midnight eyes landed a few things he didn't like and felt a few things he wasn't happy about in the least.
He could see the orange stain of the orange juice that he felt on his now soaked crotch, he could see milk and felt it seep through his blanket onto his left leg, and he saw syrup on his blanket where his hands had just happened to land.
Sasuke breathed out a quick breath roughly in some form of a way to calm himself, "What in God's name made you think I wanted you naked?"
Sasuke threw the blanket off himself then, flinging the tray off to smack the wall and have the dishes smash against the hardwood floor.
Naruto's face had fallen, but instantly brightened after Sasuke had thrown back the sheets, "Would you rather I get in bed with you?"
"I'd rather you drop dead!"
Naruto paused, looking towards the wall that had been scoffed by the tray and trying to look over the bed to see the newly made mess of dishes on the ground. Naruto's bright blue eyes landed on a wet and sticky Sasuke, who looked beyond furious.
"I could clean you off." Naruto smiled.
"I could kill you." Sasuke mocked with a glare.
"Do you want me to start your shower?"
"Are you going to go drown in it?" Sasuke turned to sit on the edge of his bed, his syrup soaked hands leaving prints.
"I was actually planning to wait for you in there, naked. Unless you prefer a tie?" Naruto continued to smile brightly, his tone casual.
Sasuke sighed, stopping himself from running his hands through his hair, "Of course you were."
"Would you prefer I clean up in here? And then get naked?"
"I just want you to answer one fucking question, dobe," Sasuke snapped, standing up, "What is this fucking fascination with being naked?"
Naruto shrugged, his smile still bright, "To be prepared."
Sasuke's eyes shrunk into a glare, "Being prepared for what?"
"Your birthday gift, of course."
Sasuke shook his head, hearing his friends chuckle from outside the cracked door, "Clean this crap up, dobe."
"Then we'll have sex?"
"We'll just see how far I can ram your head up your own ass." Sasuke marched out of his room and watched his friends scatter.
It was easily decided after that, that he wasn't staying home.
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"No!"
"But!"
A sigh came from somewhere in the group and it didn't take a scientist to know it came from one Sasuke Uchiha.
"Look, bitch, we're doing it."
"Look, freak, we're not."
Sasuke's eyes shifted to the large male next to him, the silent one of the group, who gave him a sympathetic look.
"Karin, Suigetsu, stop…" Sasuke tried.
"I don't give a shit what you have to say, fucker."
"You think I want to listen to your prissy ass blabber on? It's just going to wind down to being about Sasuke in the end anyway. What a wonderful presentation that would be."
The girl stood quickly, her frames slipping slightly, "You son-of-a-"
"Alright!" Sasuke smacked one palm down flat on the table, stopping Suigetsu from standing up to face Karin, who instantly flopped back down in her seat.
"I'm not even supposed to be here today. I'm not supposed to be looking at your damn faces and hearing that disgusting noise you call voices."
"Well, someone's on the rag…" Suigetsu crossed his arms and gave a crooked smile as he slouched in his seat.
"Juugo, give me one damn good reason I should stay in this group…" Sasuke glared at Suigetsu sharply making the boy's grin grow daringly.
"Because we're the last group left open," Juugo said for what had to be the seventeenth time in two hours.
Sasuke cursed under his breath, taking his glare off of the awkward looking boy and looked down at the stack of papers in front of him, completely ignoring the adoring looks from Karin.
Sasuke took in what was supposed to be a deep calming breath and let it out, "If you two keep fighting like that, I'll take a failing grade."
"So what made you get up on the wrong side of the bed?" Suigetsu leaned forward on the table, a large crooked smile present.
"The same thing that's going to make me drag your lifeless carcass to the river after I kill you."
Suigetsu let out a low whistle, "Alright, I get it. Mean, angry, Uchiha. He bites. Do not pass go. Whatever. So what do you say? What's the project on?"
The reminder on Sasuke's cell phone started buzzing intently, the raven sighing his relief, "It's Juugo's call. E-mail me and tell me the decision."
Sasuke grabbed his stack of papers as he stood swiftly and practically ran out of the school library before his group could call him back.
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"You're late. Didn't you ask for these hours?"
Sasuke sighed, slipping on an apron as he looked over at his boss, "I know. And yes."
"Where is Suigetsu?"
"He's not scheduled for another hour, Tsunade."
Sasuke turned to face a rather large breasted, blonde haired, fierce looking woman and owner of his place of work, "Sorry, it's just he's so stuck up your ass I'd expect to see his arm
poking out."
The raven sighed, "I can't drag him in here early. He's finishing up some things for school."
"Well, with my two worst waiters on tonight, I suppose I shouldn't push my luck. Try not to lose your temper tonight. Please."
"I know I'm not your best waiter…"
"I just said worst…"
"But please give me some slack."
Tsunade raised a delicate brow, "What did you do?"
"Nothing." Sasuke knotted his apron tighter than he intended while he tried to keep a casual voice.
"I'm sure, 'nothing'. Is that why Itachi came in here whistling like he just hit the jackpot? What happened?"
Sasuke's eyes turned sharp, "You let that weasel walk out of here alive?"
"Are you two fighting again?"
"Tsunade, when you were in college, what was the worst thing your friends ever did?"
The blonde opened her mouth before hesitating, "Well…you know Jiraiya. He took me to this place in Vegas. You can buy any girl you want and have your way with her, a 'classy' whore house."
Sasuke's face pulled in one direction of being horrified, and pulled in the other direction of disgust.
"I kicked him so hard," She chuckled while she stared off dreamily, "Well, he hasn't walked right since."
Sasuke snorted, "When you see my brother and my friends cripple, you might get the hint."
"Mail order bride?"
"So close it scares me."
Sasuke rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand while entering his apartment after unlocking the door.
The day had been longer than expected.
Tsunade was hell on Earth, like usual. The customers were moronic assholes, like usual. The hours were horribly long, which he practically begged for. The restaurant was unnaturally dirty, but then again, he never volunteered to stay after and clean.
But he had never had some cheery blonde at home finding every possible excuse to get naked so they could have sex.
Sasuke sighed heavily at the horrible thought.
He was wondering if he should abandon all hope and just go stay in a hotel before swallowing some pride and begging Tsunde for a place on her couch.
Upon seeing Naruto cleaning, in an apron, and only an apron, it seemed like it was the only reasonable option left.
Because killing people that weren't around was impossible.
Naruto smiled brightly in Sasuke's spare work apron, a Lysol wipe in hand and no friends in sight, "Hey!"
Sasuke noted to burn his spare apron and get a new one.
"Can't you just crawl under the couch and just die already?"
Naruto's smile brightened a fraction, "Are you coming with me?"
"Ha-ha," Sasuke drew, "How much are you getting paid to make a complete mockery of yourself?"
"Five thousand dollars a day and a twenty thousand dollar bonus if we fuck."
Sasuke paused in his ministration of taking off his jacket, stilling himself at the bored, business like voice that snappishly came out of this cheery little blonde.
Then Sasuke registered what he said.
"My friends paid how much?"
Author's Notes: -hums- Just going through the motions. Just trying to get to some points. Yadda the ya.
