Three years passed me by rather uneventfully. I thought of Eren often, but I rarely cried about it anymore. But when the annual sacrifice came around, though I tried to avoid it in any way I could, I would eventually break down, sobbing into my pillows until I fell asleep, ignoring the ceremony in favor of passing the time blissfully unconscious. I usually dreamt of Eren on those days though, and several afterward, making it a pretty difficult time for me. But all in all, I was living to the best of my ability.
My grandfather was forced to go out on a food-gathering expedition, outside of the walls. I knew that those sent out were being sent to their deaths. There wasn't much food to gather in the first place. It was just a way to cover up a mass extermination. If you tried to call a soldier out on it, they would claim it was necessary, claim that there were too many mouths to feed and not enough food to feed them. I lost my grandfather, his name among the countless that weren't called as less than a hundred returned, a few roots in their hands. It was hard, but I put it from my mind, reasoning that at least he could rest his old soul now.
Mikasa and I had abandoned our goal of joining the military after Eren. The only reason we were going was to remain close to him, and with him gone, there was no point. I instead found a job in a small tavern, Mikasa finding work with a seamstress. Her mother, before dying, had apparently taught her a special kind of Asian embroidery, which was a quick selling point with the seamstress.
My work was hard, and didn't pay much. I knew I'd get paid more if I was a girl; A lot of the guys that came in would whistle my way and shout vulgar flirtations until one of the regulars informed them of my gender, then they'd shut up, or yell at me for being so scrawny. I rarely got tips. A few of the regulars began to warm up to me after a while though, and they tended to be a bit more generous than others. Still not much, but it was a job, and it payed enough for me to eat daily, more than a lot of people could say. With Mikasa's income as well, I was even able to save up and buy myself a new book on occasion.
There were better things I could have spent the money on, but I wanted books more than I wanted a new pair of trousers. Mikasa never said anything about it either. I think she knew that books were my only form of retreat, my only true comfort left in this world. Instead of urging me to buy new clothes, she would mend my old ones until they couldn't be worn anymore. It was something small, but I was grateful for her understanding.
In return for her repairing my clothes, I usually did the cooking. We were both tired when we got home, but her fingers were suffering from her constant and technical use of them. Though my arms would be sore from lifting drinks and carrying trays, it was nothing compared to her poor digits. She would soak them in water that I warmed on the stove, and I'd help her stretch them, her knuckles cracking as I bent them at the joints. She'd bite her lip as we went through this, obviously in pain, but she never complained. I knew though, from the stiffness, that it would be hard for her to do much of anything, so I would prepare our dinner. Sometimes, when there were leftovers from the tavern, I'd pack them up and take them home, eating that for dinner instead, saving us both the trouble.
It was miserable, tiring, and hardly worth calling living, but it was what I had left after I lost Eren.
But even that was taken away from me, in the harshest, most ironic way possible. It must have been one of the guys from the bar that mentioned me. How he managed to get the attention of the church, I'd never know. I didn't get the chance to ask around, as the day they came for me was my last day of freedom inside of the walls.
Unlike Eren's capture, I didn't struggle. I knew exactly what the men clad in uniform had come for, as soon as I saw the number of them. I knew it was me. I had asked myself, many times over the three years, why it hadn't been me they sacrificed instead of Eren. I knew I was small, my bookish nature leaving me with a suitable body, frail and skinny. And, unlike Eren, who likely would have gained quite a bit of muscle if given proper time and training, I hadn't grown out of my lankiness, and it was unlikely I ever would.
People stared as I was pulled along, the tight grasp of a soldier on either of my arms, preventing my escape should I attempt to make one. It was rare that the sacrifice didn't struggle, at least at first. Some accepted it while they were being held, others, like Eren, fighting to the end. But I was too tired, too broken to fight it. And I had seen it coming, had been expecting it for years now.
Eventually someone told Mikasa, and since I had come so quietly, she was allowed to visit me the day after I was taken. She was as calm and quiet as she ever was, bringing me food that the tavern had donated to her. I supposed they felt bad for me, but it was wasted breath on their part. I wasn't remorseful, not even scared. I asked Mikasa to bring me my books, naming my favorite ones, telling her where she could find them. She obediently left, returning about an hour later with a stack of books in her arms, slipping them through the bars one at a time so that I could stack them on the small desk that was inside of my cell. She lingered, and I knew it was out of consideration for me, but I shooed her off. I didn't really need her there. Though we relied on one another to get by, we weren't really close, and our friendship was only such in name. We rarely even spoke to each other anymore, both of us too scarred, our minds and souls torn asunder. She left without any argument.
I passed my last few days by reading, almost constantly, rarely sleeping, only pausing otherwise to use the bathroom and eat. I knew when my last day came around because of the way the guards were acting. They were overly kind to me, my meal consisting of many things considered rare these days; meat, and even a bit of cake. It was good, and I ate without protest, but the gesture seemed petty to me. I felt like livestock, a pig being fed well right before being sent in for slaughter. I wondered if my dying cries would be as graceless and piercing as those of a butchered sow.
Mikasa visited, as she did every day to bring me dinner. Though she didn't have enough money for meat or cake, she brought me a bit of candy. I smiled as she handed me the small bag, knowing something sweet must be inside. I waited till she left to open it, dumping the contents onto my desk. Each piece fell with a small clinking sound, familiar from the days long past, when my mother would buy me candy if she had a bit of spare money.
The candy that fell was simple, just rock candy, hardened sugar. But it was nostalgic, a treat that Eren often shared with me, as his mother had a knack for making it. He'd always inform me, his excitement obvious, when his mother started the process, the promise of candy in a few days enough to have both he and I eagerly helping Carla around the house. After all, the more we helped, the more she let us have. Sometimes she'd even let us add some flavor, if she had any fruit around. My favorite was strawberry, but it was rare that they, or anyone, had any, so I'd usually settle for whatever Eren was in the mood for. He preferred citrus flavors, like oranges and limes.
The pieces were a mixture of pink and green, which meant it was probably strawberry and lime. I guess Mikasa really did still care, if she had thought to bring me these particular flavors. Maybe it was a coincidence, but I don't really believe in those. I debated on whether or not I should eat them immediately, or if I should save them for another time, but then I realised, with a shaky breath, that there wouldn't be another time. I almost laughed at myself for having entertained the idea of hording the treat, picking up one of the green pieces and bringing it to my mouth.
It was sweet, with the slightest aftertaste, definitely lime. The flavoring was more obvious that it was when Carla made it, confirming my guess that it was store bought. But it didn't matter, it was the thought that counted. I sucked on it, as I always did, savoring the flavor as it dissolved in my mouth. Eren always bit into his quickly, chewing it into a fine powder before swallowing, then he'd steal pieces from my share without asking, much to my chagrin. Now I wished I had shared more with him, sacrificed a few moments of sugary bliss to make him happy. It didn't matter now though, it was too late for that.
I didn't even realise I was crying until a drop hit my hand, startling me. I looked up, thinking at first that the ceiling was leaking, perhaps from rain outside. But I saw no indication that the ceiling was dripping. Shocked, I touched a hand to my cheek, feeling the moisture there, many droplets gathered underneath my chin. I blinked slowly, feeling more slip past my lids with each movement. They came steadily for several seconds before I finally accepted that I was crying, my frame shaking with a sob I hadn't known I was holding in. But once the first came, countless followed. The guards were silent, not yelling at me to shut up or saying any sympathetic words. I appreciated the gesture.
In the end, I was unable to eat all of the candy in one go, making myself sick in my attempt. Frowning, I shoveled it back into the bag, slipping it into my pocket. It was pointless, I knew I wouldn't have another chance to eat it, but leaving it seemed just as wasteful. At least this way, when I was eaten by a Titan, it would end up in a stomach, even if not in the one it was intended for.
I didn't sleep that night, electing instead to stay up, reading by candle light. Again, the guards raised no complaints, providing me with more candles when mine burned out. Nobody needed to know that I was switching the names of the characters in my mind, giving Eren a happy ending, myself a happy ending. When the guards switched shifts, the day guards relieving the night guards, I switched books. These were my last couple of hours, and I wanted to spend them reading my favorite book. It was a scientific journal, one that detailed unimaginable places and things. Vast fields of nothing but sand, land that was so cold that the snow never melted, animals that somehow survived in these harsh conditions. But the most fascinating, the most breathtaking thing noted in the book was the vast ocean, a body of water so large it apparently took up the majority of our earth. I doubted that could be true, but still I wanted to see it, the unending blue in all directions, feel the waves lapping at my feet. I wanted to smell the brisk air, tinged with the smells of fish and sea-greenery. I wanted to hear the crashing of the water as it crested and fell, wanted to taste the salt in the moist air. It was my dream, one I projected onto and eventually shared with Eren.
But it died with him, and now again with me.
I read, imagining the birds that flew almost exclusively around the sea, the colorful and strange fish that swam the salty waters, some not even looking like fish at all. So engrossed in my daydreaming was I that the guard had to shake me before I realised that he was inside of my cell, dragging me out. I stumbled at first, but gained my footing and followed him quietly, sparing one last glance to the books I was leaving behind. They were precious to me, but I would have no use for them while I was dangling from the wall. I hoped, at least, they could offer comfort to whoever was next, as they had for me my whole life.
Again, the hands that held my arms were rough, needlessly tight, but I didn't bother raising protest, I knew it would fall on deaf ears anyway. The town was mostly silent, the majority of the population likely already gathered at the wall, waiting to watch my sacrifice as they had Eren's. I could hear the roar of countless voices talking at once, growing louder as I neared, then falling silent when I made it to the very edge of the square. They all held a breath, looking in my direction, differing emotions playing across too many faces for me to count.
I was marched down the center, just as Eren had been, similar gestures of encouragement shouted my way as I passed. I bit my lip to keep from yelling back at them, pointing out how stupid, how wrong they were. What honor was there in dying a pointless death, bound and unable to even cause damage as you went? No. I was naught but bait, my body pierced through with hooks of tradition and fear, lowered teasingly into the water, fishing for the biggest prize. To them, I wasn't even human anymore, I was a scape goat, an expendable one of many, a way to ease their minds, to give a fake sense of security as they blindly followed a wolf, dressed like a Shepard and herding them expertly into further stupidity.
When I made it to the front of the crowd, as close to the wall as they were allowed, the soldiers paused. It was more of an insult than a gift. I had no family left. My mother and father, presumably, died when they attempted to explore outside the wall. My grandfather was lost similarly, though his expedition was forced. And Eren, my closest friend, my only friend, was sacrificed, in this exact place, in the exact same way, three years prior. Mikasa alone stood at the front, exchanging glances with me, then lowering her head. It wasn't sorrow, it wasn't pity, just acceptance.
After seeing that I had no relatives to part ways with, no one to embrace for the last time, the guards surged forward, reaching a pile of cords. They made quick work of tying them around me, their work just as sloppy as ever. It didn't really matter, I'd meet the same fate regardless of how well the knots held. Once I was adequately bound, they each grabbed one end of cord, shooting their hooks into the wall and dragging me up, their gear squealing with the effort. But we reached the top nonetheless. The cords were too heavy for me to stand up, so I let myself fall to my knees, opening my eyes and taking in the sight. I'd never seen beyond the walls, never knew what was just barely out of my grasp. It was beautiful, the sun about three quarters through its cycle, bathing everything in soft sunshine. The trees, the birds, the nearby lake, everything shining and sparkling.
Again, I was not aware of my tears, only alerted to them when enough fell to saturate my pants. I bit my lip, too hard, drawing blood, trying not to let the sobs come this time. There would be time for crying. The least I could do was hold my head high, my facade of courage in tact for those watching me. Thankfully, the soldiers had finished with their speeches and anchoring, and it was time.
Instead of the previous two, four soldiers came, two on each side, just in case. They moved slowly, lowering me inch by inch. I sucked in a breath, not fighting the motion, letting my body relax against the cord that was biting into my flesh, my skin already aching from it. If I was allowed time to heal, I'd likely be several shades of purple, and then fading yellow, for at least a month. But my body probably wouldn't even have time to bruise, let alone heal.
I was surprised for a moment by the lack of Titans, not having seen any from the top of the wall. Of course, as soon as the thought crossed my mind, I heard it. Footsteps, heavy, but not enough that those on the other side would be able to hear. It came from the trees, its head large in proportion to its limbs, yet it walked with ease. I couldn't be called the best judge, but I guess that it was probably about six metres tall. It stared up at me, its eyes staring intently, yet without focus. Though it clawed at the wall and made a few attempts to climb it, it was nowhere near tall enough to reach me. I sighed, putting that one from my mind. I could hear another approaching, this one given away by the noises it made with its throat as opposed to its feet.
I whimpered as this one came into view, finding its four legged posture particularly disturbing. It too clawed at the wall, but actually made a jump for me. I couldn't muffle the scream, truly startled by the sudden movement. And it got pretty close, its fingers only a couple of metres away from my dangling legs, or so it seemed to me. Finally the fear began to set in. I realised where I was, what was happening, all much too late. Even if I could get out of my bindings, I'd simply fall right into the open mouths of the Titans. I was helpless, choiceless, about to meet what was likely the most gruesome fate this world could offer. One that my friend before me had met.
I shuddered. It was one last thing we could share.
More Titans gathered, each attempting to reach me, all unable. Still, I'd cry out with each leap, every one seeming closer than the last. And yet, as insane as I must have been to think it, I wished it would all just be over. This was torture, slow, painful, terrifying. I'd rather just get it over with, be done with it all.
Another emerged from the trees, this one a bit bigger, its grey hair long and growing into its beard. It stood out thanks to the extensive facial hair. This one didn't even bother with clawing at the wall, jumping for me immediately. It was just barely, but I felt the tip of its finger tap against the bottom of my foot, sending shivers down my spine as I screamed. It didn't hesitate to try again, this time getting high enough that I was pushed upwards a bit when it touched my foot. I tried to curl my legs under me, but the cords were wrapped too tightly around my pelvis and thighs, I could barely move them at all. In its second attempt, the bearded Titan knocked another over. It landed on the fallen one, not bothering to move to avoid stepping on it as it got up. My eyes widened, realising that, with that extra bit of height, it was probably going to be able to reach me with its next jump.
My body acted against my will, thrashing against the cords, trying to pull myself up, trying to claw through the ones around my legs, anything I could, but to no avail. And it was too late, the Titan already airborne yet again. Just as I had guessed, the extra height was enough that it managed to wrap its fingers around one of my legs, but only that. It fell again, unable to yank the cords apart. But it had tried to hold on, and I screeched as my leg broke in several places before it let go, falling entirely limp beneath me. Every time I hit the wall from the swinging motion induced by the Titan having grabbed at me, I howled, the pain more than I'd ever experienced. I couldn't even see anymore, though I knew my eyes were open. All I could see was white.
Eventually my body stopped swinging, and my cries were reduced to whimpers as I stilled. My vision cleared, and I looked down, finding the bearded one staring back at me, as if it was waiting for me to recover. A chill ran through me. Another Titan fell, knocked over as a larger one tried to shove its way closer to me. It fell on top of the other that had been crushed by the bearded Titan. My breath hitched. It was over, it had me. This one was definitely aberrant, it would climb on top of the other two, jump, and pull me down. I couldn't close my eyes, fixated on the Titan, doing exactly as I had imagined. I could only watch, hold my breath, as it leapt, its hands finally wrapping around me properly. Gravity pulled it down, its weight easily snapping the cords holding me up, and I fell with it.
We hit the ground with a loud thump, the ground shaking. It wasn't as bad as I would have estimated though, the theory about Titans being lighter than they should be surfacing in my mind briefly. It took a few seconds for the Titan to right itself, but it turned me to face it once it had. I wailed, the motion having moved my injured leg. Or maybe I was wailing from the fear of the creature that was about to devour me. I wondered if there would be other bodies inside, if I'd be alive to see them. Some Titans swallowed their food whole, others chewed. I couldn't decide which I'd prefer. It would be faster to be ripped apart, eaten limb by limb, and I wouldn't have to see what was inside of its stomach. But it would probably be a lot more painful. Even worse, what if it bit off pieces of me, but left enough that I'd remain for a few hours?
I chocked on a sob, wishing I had any other options, but I knew there were none. At least, I thought, it was almost over. The Titan raised me, holding me between its thumb and forefinger by my shirt as if I was a simple finger food. It began to open its mouth, but suddenly its mouth was gone. Its whole head was gone, replaced by vast nothingness, blood starting to leak from its neck, now naught but a severed bone and muscle. I screeched, trying to wrench myself from the now dead fingers without much luck. The gore was too much, and I vomited, most of it falling on the Titan's body. All the while, my eyes were snapping around, trying to figure out what had happened. I knew that the soldiers wouldn't have come to my rescue, but that left only another Titan as a possible culprit, and I'd never heard of a Titan attacking another.
I looked at all of the Titans surrounding me, none of them even big enough to have reached the Titan's head. But I was overlooked something, something pretty obvious. It was just so big, my mind didn't register it at first. But when I heard the snorting breath, coming from above, I immediately looked up.
It was too tall, I couldn't see its face. It had to be a fourteen or fifteen metre. Its proportions were practically human, though it was heavily muscled, pinning it as the most likely to have killed the bearded one.
I trembled, trapped by the fingers around me, unable to flee as its hand came down, plucking me out of my fleshy prison with ease, holding me with the same fingers, thumb and pointer. But instead of holding my up by the back of my shirt, this one situated its fingers under my arms. Better leverage, I reasoned. It lifted me up, its face slowly coming into focus as I neared.
This one's face was different than what I normally saw, but not really anymore disturbing. Its seemed to have double the amount of teeth, all of them exposed by a lack of lips. Its ears were pointed, but other than that, it looked mostly human. Its hair was longer than most Titans', falling to its shoulders in dark chocolate colored tresses. I frowned, the color reminiscent of Eren's. It brought me level to its eyes, the same piercing color of emerald as Eren too. I wondered if this was some kind of joke, a cruel one played by the fates. Sending a Titan that shared qualities with Eren to finish the job of eating me? It was twisted in a way I couldn't find words for.
It stared at me, its gaze intense. It only broke eye contact when another Titan leapt and tried to grab me from its hands. Though the one that had tried was much too small, not managing to jump anywhere near high enough, the fifteen metre turned its way and growled, screamed at it. I whimpered, unable to ignore the fear that rose in my stomach at the sound. It was such a powerful noise, shaking the surroundings as it bellowed out. It sounded like an alarm, a warning. The other Titans, much to my surprise, backed off.
And it returned to staring at me. I wondered what the soldiers would be telling the crowd. Surely I must be considered the strangest sacrifice so far. Not only had the bearded Titan shown a small level of intelligence by climbing on the bodies of the fallen Titans to reach me, but the fifteen metre had killed another Titan, with purpose. Perhaps it was the same old purpose, to eat a human, but it showed precision, skill, having loped off the head as opposed to just the hand. It meant to kill with its strike.
And, even stranger still, it hadn't eaten me yet. I was frozen, unable to move, to break the stare it was holding with me. I noticed, with a start, how completely focused it was. Unlike the other Titans, who saw, but never really looked... This one was looking. It was seeing me, taking in my traits, holding my gaze with its own. My lips trembled, and it snorted, blinking once. This one was intelligent, I could tell, I could feel it. It knew what it was doing, had a goal in mind, had a mind. It recognized me as a living thing, knew that I had feelings, emotions. And that made it just that much scarier.
It drew me closer, very slowly, and I realised that it was trying not to jostle my leg, which was pretty obviously broken. What was the point, I had to ask myself, if it was just going to eat me anyway? Not that I was complaining, but I couldn't see the sense of it. It spared me one last glance, then opened its mouth, which was especially large thanks to the extra teeth. I closed my eyes, feeling the hot breath as I came closer and closer, my hair fanning out behind me from the velocity. And then it dropped me, my body falling a couple of feet onto its tongue, a cry wracking out of me as my injured leg broke my fall. I opened my eyes, looking outwards, getting one last glimpse of the sky before it closed its mouth and everything went dark.
A/N: Well, not a huge response, but enough that I went ahead with a second chapter. That was actually really fast for me... I usually schmooze around and ignore the next chapter for a while, and even when I do start, it usually takes me a couple of days to finish. But I guess I really like this idea I've had, and want to get going, because this was literally a two day chapter. (It would have been one day, but it was like, three in the morning. I had work the next day, and I'm only human.)
As promised, this chapter is a bit longer, by about two pages. This is about normal chapter length for me, so get used to it! Sometimes they'll get a little longer though, if a scene is taking a long time to wrap up.
So, sorry for the three year gap. I'm sure there are going to be some people who wish they could see what life for Armin was like without Eren, but it wasn't really important to the story. All you need to know is that he was miserable, but managing. And sorry for those who, like, hardcore support Eren, Armin, and Mikasa as besties forever. I don't really like Mikasa, and I don't like her dynamic in the relationship. It seems to me that she kind of forces herself in, only serving as an overly protective sister for Eren. She doesn't seem to care for Armin at all, only helping him in the first episode because she was worried Eren was about to get in a fight. So that's why she seemed so standoffish with Armin in this; I feel like that's how she would be without Eren.
I'm not trying to start a fight, and I'm not going to argue with anyone who disagrees. I know that different people have different thoughts on it. But this is how it is in my story, so if you plan to keep reading, you'll have to get used to it for the time being. Not to worry though, she won't be in the story much at all from now on. Many things have changed, if you haven't noticed!
Okei, I'm off to write some more, or maybe sleep. Who knows with me anymore. In any case, thank you for reading, and please let me know what you think.
KuroRiya
九六りや
