AN- Ok, so why can't people if they not like a story just not read it? I do not understand. I guess I should also explain for the people who read my other stories and know I am 24 with a partner and 4 foster adopted children. Someone asked how I was pregnant at 17. Well, ok, so was sexually abused and became pregnant. I was three months pregnant when I met Abby. We started dating a month later. I have birth to my stillborn daughter late in my second trimester. This chapter touches in a controversial topic of whether other people (besides parents) should see a stillborn baby. If you haven't had a stillborn child this might seem a little... Morbid. Holding your deceased child. But it is a very common occurrence and one I can personally say is healing.
STEF'S POV
She's so small. I can't believe at one time I thought Brandon was the smallest thing in the universe. She's half his length, a quarter of his weight. I imagined this day since the moment Lena told me she was pregnant. In a fresh bed my arms around Lena, who is holding our daughter. The labor and delivery was terrifying, in the way that it was almost silent, besides Lena's tears and the doctor's coaching. Lena's exhausted, but she can't let go of Abilene.
"The kids should be able to see her if they want." Lena's voice pulls me from the small, perfect face.
"Love, they've been through enough as it is."
"They need closure, as much as we do." I'm trying to save her. She doesn't understand. "Especially Callie and Jude. They didn't get to say goodbye to Coleen. They should at least get the choice of saying goodbye to their sister." Ok, so maybe I'm not trying to save Lena. Maybe I'm trying to save myself. I can't look at them and be strong. "And Brandon, Stef. Brandon was there from the time this all started." My eyes close. "And I just need to see them. I need all my kids together, once," Now Lena is crying, holding Abilene against her.
"Alright, Love, sshhh," I mummer, "I'll call and see who is willing to come. But we aren't going to make anyone who doesn't want to, alright?" She nods and sniffles and I let out a breath, kissing her temple. I step out of the room and call Callie, It's four in the morning, 36 hours after this all started, but I'm pretty sure my daughter is up.
"Mom?" The voice is tired and hoarse.
"Hi Sweets. Mama wants to know if any of you want to meet your sister before-"
"I do! Let me check," she says. I'm thankful she cut me off before I had to say it. "We're leaving in 3 minutes to the hospital. GET UP IF YOU WANT TO COME!" I pull the phone away from my ear "Mom and Mama don't care what you look like, throw your hair in a pony tail. Grab jackets, medication Jesus and meet me in the car."
"Well you sure know how to get things done," I said with a small laugh that burns my throat.
"That's why you put me in charge, right?" Callie asked, I can hear the smirk on her face. She is a mini-me in every way, "We'll be there in ten minutes."
"Ok, Sweets, drive carefully."
"I will. Mommy?" the voice is quiet, fearful, switching from her 'don't get too close' attitude to her 'save me' one. It breaks my heart that I'm not able to be with them and Lena at the same time.
"What is it, Baby?" I ask softly.
"I love you," I smile softly. It's a phrase we rarely hear from Callie. "Will you tell Mama I love her too?"
"I love you too, Baby," I whisper "and I will tell your Mama but I'm sure she'd love to hear it from you when you get here."
"I know, I just. Want her to know right this second. I'm going to tell her myself too."
"Alright, Love. Get your butt down here so I can hug you," I say, because at the moment I don't know how to express what I want. The joy it is to be able to comfort the child that held her walls up for so long. I steel myself for walking back into the hospital room. There's something I thought I didn't want, but now I do. From the moment I told Callie I wanted to hug her I wanted this. Walking into the room I watch Lena studying our daughter's face. Running a finger over the soft feathers of hair that couldn't be more than a centimeter long. I sit cross legged in front of them.
"Lena, can I hold her?" the request is quiet, shaky. It's not like she'll tell me no but I hate the idea of taking the few precious moments she has with her away. Lena lays her in my arms, kissing my forehead as she leans back against the raised bed.
LENA'S POV
The view I'm seeing at this moment twists my stomach. My wife looking down at our daughter, running a thumb down her cheek. Stef's talking and I don't think she realizes it. She's telling our daughter how sorry she was that she ever doubted that having a baby was a good idea, because now it's hard to think of the future without her. How she had five siblings and two mommys who loved her more than life itself and how sorry she was that she couldn't save her. Something a nurse said crosses my mind and I silently pick up my phone, taking a picture of Stef with her daughter. A half hour ago, when they put her in my arms I thought the woman was crazy. How could she even think of something like that. But I know now, I never want to let go of the vision of my wife holding our daughter. I don't think Stef even realizes it was done. I hold my arms out and say Stef's name gently as she crawls in beside me, resting our daughter on her chest as she looks to me for strength. Tears falling from her eyes. I kiss her forehead gently.
"Callie said to tell you she loves you," the comment makes me turn a little.
"Really?" Stef nods. The simple sentence makes my eyes fill with tears as I hug my wife. It was at that moment there was a knock at the door.
"Come in," the same nurse peaks her head in.
"There are five teenagers out here wanting to see their moms," the comment makes me smile wearily.
"Can you do one thing for me before they come in?"
"Of course," the nurse says. I wish she would stop with the look of pitty, but she's being nice so I don't yell at her.
"I-I thought about what you said, will you take a couple pictures for us?" Stef gives me a death glare. "You never have to look at them if you don't want, but I want a couple pictures to remember her by." I hand the nurse the phone and show her how to use the camera on it. In the few minutes Stef seems to warm up a little about the idea, at least of the fact that it's something I want. She turns are daughter so she is laying on both of us, you can see her face and hands in the photo. Stef is looking at her, I am looking at Stef. It's three minutes, the nurse tells us just to forget the camera and say or do what we need to, and she would capture that. Abilene ends up in my arms where the nurse takes a couple pictures before handing back the camera.
STEF'S POV
I let Lena have pictures taken. I can't tell her no. Not when it's so important to her. I take a deep breath and try to ground myself for the new wave of emotions that I know will hit as soon as all my babies are here. Jude is the first one to walk through the door, he practically runs to Lena before seeing the baby and skids to a stop before taking a couple small steps forward.
"Honey, you don't have to come over here if you're uncomfortable," Lena's voice is calm and steady as she says it.
"It's not that..." he mumbles. Brandon is right behind him, Jesus still waiting for his meds to kick in fidgets beside them. Though I don't know if it's the lack of meds or the baby. Callie stands with her arm around Mariana, both have tears in their eyes and Callie reaches up and runs her finger across the tip of her nose.
"Hi Mama" the voice is Callie's, the first one to brave the couple yards from the doorway to the bed. She leans over and kisses Lena's cheek "I love you," she says as she takes a long look at Abilene. I watch Lena's eyes fill with tears and I gently squeeze her foot. "C-can I hold her?" the request is barely above a whisper but I pat the spot next to me on the bed and Callie sits down. I take Abilene from Lena's arms and gently place her in Callie's. Callie studies her, touching the tip of her nose. "I'm your oldest sister, and I am sure going to miss you not being around. But I know my Mommy will take care of you just like our mom and mama are taking care of me and Jude." I watch her kiss Abilene's forehead and hand her back to Lena as she took a picture. I sigh, this really doesn't seem like the time for pictures. Jude by this time was leaning into Lena and had his head rested on top of her's. I wrap my arms around Callie and kiss her forehead as tears roll down my cheeks. I've tried to stop them. I can't. Brandon stepped forward and Lena put her in his arms. I watched as he looked at her for a few moments and said something so quietly no one could hear him. He wiped his eyes and hands her to me. I look at Mariana silent in the corner and watch as Callie walks over to her and hugs her, whispering in her ear. Keeping an arm around Mari, they made their way over to the bed and Mariana touches Abilene's hand before turning back into Callie.
"You guys, we should go get breakfast, maybe go home and get a couple more hours of sleep," the voice of reason is Callie's. Jesus quickly walks over and I watch my son lean over and kiss Abilene's forehead before walking over to Lena and wrapping his arms around her.
LENA'S POV
I hug my son for all it's worth. He is usually the one that shys away from any physical contact, I kiss his cheek and tell him I love him as he lets go, "I'm sorry Mom." he said as he kissed my forehead. The gesture made me melt. Jesus took Mariana from where Callie was hugging her and wrapped his arm around her, leading her to me. I hugged her tightly as she cried. Shushing her as tears filled my eyes. The hot moisture penetrating the hospital gown I was wearing broke my heart.
"I love you Mama," I nodded and told her it back. I did. I always will love my little princess. Brandon hugs me and repeats that he's sorry, again and again. I don't know how to get through to him that this is not his fault. After a minute or two he calms and I kiss his forehead. When did the little five year old boy that fit in my lap become a man? Jude wraps himself around me, so much I wince and have to ask him to ease up a little. I hate to make him but it took everything not to cry out at the stabbing feeling in my groin. I think it's Brandon who finally unwraps him from me and I find my arms full of Callie who is trying not to cry. My brave soldier.
"I'll take care of everyone until you come home, I promise. Just get better and come home," she whispered.
"Oh, Baby, I'll be home by tomorrow morning, Bug." She nods, "I love you Sweetheart."
"I love you too, Mama." She lets go with a small sigh. As Stef hands me Abilene as she hugs all our babies as they head home.
"I want to give her her last bath and... The longer she's here the harder it's going to be to say goodbye." I can feel the tears falling from my eyes. I wipe one from Abilene's cheek as I see it land on her. Stef nods and kisses my temple. I lean into it. I just want her here with me.
She comes back moments later with a nurse who is pushing a wheelchair. I'm helped into it and rolled into an area with a baby bath at standing level and a changing table, "You can put her in a romper and we can change her if you have a special outfit later," the nurse says softly, showing us where diapers are and telling us to use whatever we need. I set her on the changing table after standing on shaky legs, Stef's arm snakes around my waist to keep me steady as we undress her together. I get the bathwater lukewarm and realize the baby holder is to big for her, but she fits in my hand. I hold her bottom in the palm of my hand, resting her against my arm, resting it on the baby bath we trade on and off in a silent dance. One of us holding her head so she doesn't slip off of my arm and the other washing her.
Once we were done Stef looked at her as she dried her off "I want pictures of her, can we ask if we can get some, like, professionally done?" Stef looks at me with tears filling her eyes "I want some with her in the dress we picked out. The outfit Callie and Mari picked out for her. They do that, right?" she asked her voice raising.
"We'll get her dressed, we'll call Callie and ask her to get the overnight bag that has those and her cap in them, and then we'll ask, ok?" I say gently as I hug her tightly and start to put a diaper on her. I dress her in a simple pink romper and a pale pink cap before sitting back down with her on the wheelchair. My body is still shaky, and between the birth and not sleeping in what seemed like forever, my body is spiraling downwards. Stef pushes me back to the room. She helps me in the bed and I sit and stare at Abilene. I know I have to give her to them soon or I never will. They say some wmen keep their children with them up to 12 hours. The past two have both killed and healed me at once. Stef kisses me, and then our daughter's forehead.
She leaves and then in a matter of moments is back with a nurse who is holding a bear, "Hi, Lena, how are you doing?" I shrug. How am I supposed to be doing? My daughter's dead in my arms and you've come to take her away.
"Stefanie said you guys were ready for us to take Abilene?" she asks.
I nod and the tears come flooding before I know what's happening. I'm giving away a piece of my heart at this moment and I don't think I can. I hole her against my chest as Stef envelopes both of us in her arms, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," are the only words I can get out. I don't know if I'm talking to her or Stef. "I love you, Mama will always love you," I cry as I kiss her forehead one last time and hand her to Stef who kisses her with tears filling her eyes, putting her in the safety of the nurses arms.
"I'm sorry this happened," the nurse says softly. She hands me a bear, I look at her with a questioning glance but hug it to me. "There is a woman who lost a baby. She now makes bears that weigh the same weight as their children. It helps some women, to be able to hold something the same weight and length." It does, in a very small way. My arms still feel empty but it gives my hands something to cling to.
"Your wife called a family friend and he is going to get Abilene's clothes. We have a photographer here that will do some photos that your wife requested." All I can do is nod. Stef's arms are around me but I feel so empty. "Do you want to be a part of the shoot?" I shake my head. I have to say goodbye now, it's getting harder by the second, I can't see her again. "Alright, I'll check on you in a little while once I get Abilene situated."
STEF'S POV
I move Lena so she's laying in the bed and wrap her in my arms, we cry together as Lena clutches the small bear like her life depends on it. And at this moment, I can't say her life doesn't. My tears stop to a numbness washing over my body as I hold her against the crook of my neck, where she has told me a million times it feels like the world falls away around her and she's safe. I can't save her from this though. Twenty minutes later the nurse comes in, seeing how distraught Lena is she gives her a sedative to help her sleep. It takes another 15 minutes before she is asleep, clutching the bear in one hand and my shirt in the other.
