Authors Notes: Thank you to all my reviewers! Your lovely words were all greatly appreciated and, as a thank you, here's another update already! Enjoy!


Evil, Shady Dealings


2.

A Matter of Ponchos


Gwen couldn't help but think Lady Morgana was sleep deprived, or ill, or had perhaps simply gone insane. After being presented with her breakfast, the raven haired beauty had proceeded to stare blankly at the wall before her instead of graciously tuck in like she usually did. In fact, she hadn't even seemed to have acknowledged the presence of the plate of food at all.

"Milady..." Gwen started uncertainly, faintly scared that if the other woman had gone insane she might leap across the table and assault her at the sound of her voice "...are you quite well?"

There was no response. Absolutely nothing. Not so much as a blink or any sign of breathing or general life. Gwen's face paled. What if Morgana had died? What if she had simply sat down for breakfast...and just died? Sometimes there weren't always explanations for deaths, sometimes people who seemed completely healthy could just sit down for breakfast and inexplicably die.

This was terrible. This was horrific. Not only had she lost somebody she considered to be a great friend, Gwen was also certain that she would be punished for this. Never mind that she had carried a plate of delicious food all the way from the kitchens, up the spiral stairs to Morgana's room without dropping it all. Never mind that it wasn't her fault the ward had decided to just die for no evident reason, and it happened to be on her watch. Never mind that she had spent years of her life dressing the woman and helping her to bathe and cleaning her room and –

"Does Gaius only wear ponchos?"

Gwen would have liked to say that she didn't shriek, but the simple truth was that Morgana's velvety voice had never scared her so much in her life, and shriek she did.

"Whatever is the matter with you Gwen?" Morgana questioned incredulously, a look of disgust at the maidservant's apparent lack of social graces evident on her flawless features.

"Oh, milady! I'm so sorry!" The dark skinned woman panted, trying to regain her composure and any shred of dignity she had left "You just startled me, is all."

There was an awkward pause, where Morgana continued to look almost impossibly unimpressed and Gwen attempted to get her breathing back under control. The sounds of a horse neighing outside and its hooves clattering down on the ground, followed by some surprised yells from the guards as the noise of hooves faded into the distance could be heard from the open window. Gwen cleared her throat nervously. "What was it you asked, milady?"

Morgana let out a weary sigh. Sometimes, Gwen tested her patience to its very limits. "Gaius. Does he always wear ponchos?"

"I...err..." Gwen frowned, unsure of where Morgana's train of thought was going "...yes. I believe he does wear ponchos an awful lot."

"You see, that's exactly what I thought too." The ward replied, sounding rather pleased with herself. "Exactly what I thought..."

And it was thus that Morgana picked up her cutlery and began to consume her breakfast with all the grace and panache of a Lady, while Gwen stared at her in what could only have been described as utter perplexity.


Morgause didn't want to seem rude. She always tried to be the epitome of civility when around her younger sibling, but occasionally there were moments when Morgana was so blindingly unintelligent that she just simply couldn't hold her tongue.

"Are you completely brainless?" She demanded from across the table in the cave, pausing in her spreading of some odd mixture across her slice of bread.

"Sister!"

"I have never heard anything so ridiculously stupid and dim-witted in my life. Usually I am stunned by your maturity, but today I am left wondering as to why I ever bothered to take you under my wing at all."

Morgana scowled, furious at being ridiculed for her obviously brilliant plan. "You just lack imagination and creativity." She muttered eventually, watching as her sister gently placed the knife back onto the table.

There would be no time for spreading anything onto her bread now. She had to help Morgana realise her own stupidity. It was a harsh learning curve, but somebody had to batter the basic rules of evil into the young witch's skull. "Sister, you do comprehend what you just suggested? You do grasp the notion of what you were implying?"

"Of course I do!"

"It is just intriguing that you can do that, yet not realise its complete and utter idiocy."

"Morgause!"

The blonde haired woman leant back in her chair, calmly folding her arms across her chest as she always seemed to do when about to impart great wisdom upon her sister, who was currently getting very red in the face and annoyed. "I would like you to repeat what you just suggested to me."

"Oh for Goddess' sake, Morgause!"

"Repeat it."

Morgana's scowl seemed to have taken on a threatening edge to it by this point, yet through gritted teeth she did as her old sister asked: "We should enchant one of Gaius' ponchos."

Morgause left a small silence, allowing the words to sink in, before she spoke again "Now, I would like you, for just one second, to appreciate the absurdity of this moment and respect it."

Using every ounce of her willpower and self control, Morgana managed not to start spouting obscenities or hurl her own plate at Morgause, and instead opted to allow a brief pause before retorting "I don't feel like you have given this plan room to breathe."

The older sister let out a long, drawn out sigh of displeasure. She had hoped Morgana would have realised the error of her ways and dropped the whole idea, but it seemed as though Lady Luck was not on her side tonight. "Sister, that is because your ill-considered 'plan' does not deserve room to breathe, it deserves to be forgotten with immediate effect."

"But you haven't even allowed me time to explain it properly! I barely opened my mouth before you began to verbally assault it!"

Morgause sighed again. It appeared that her younger sister was not going to let this wretched scheme drop. She was in one of her spoilt, stubborn moods. "Alright. Against my better judgement I will allow you to clarify what exactly you meant when you thought it was appropriate to say 'We should enchant one of Gaius' ponchos.'"

"That is all I ask." Morgana replied, her tone rather chirpier than before. She probably enjoyed getting her own way more than she should "You see, it came to my attention that Gaius only seems to wear ponchos, and I believe that we could enchant these ponchos so that whichever one he chooses to wear, it would cause him to start dancing during council with the King."

"You have failed to impress me thus far."

"That is not relevant. What is relevant, however, is the fact that everybody would be witness to his inappropriate dancing acts and think him a madman. Then I, being Uther's ward, could subtly suggest to him during dinner that Gaius is old and sadly losing his mind, and then the King would fire him from his position, thereby removing Gaius from the castle grounds and keeping him out of my way. Merlin would be inexpressibly upset, causing his apparent ability to sense something going wrong from a mile away to lessen and I would be able to murder Uther and flourish as Queen of Camelot."

There was a huge, hanging pause, in which Morgana eagerly awaited her sister's reply. She was sure to acknowledge the greatness of this plan now, it simply could not be denied any longer. She would suddenly have to start wiping tears of awe away from her eyes and apologise for her stupidity. She would –

"Where was the drama?" Morgause questioned, sounding weary beyond measure. "Where was the horror and suspense?"

"I...what?"

"Where were the undead armies? The giant scorpions?"

"I...I don't..."

"It is as though you put absolutely no thought into this plan whatsoever, sister. It is as though you don't care."

"Of course I care!" Morgana replied indignantly, still trying to process the fact that the older witch disliked her plot even after having it so wonderfully explained to her.

"Do you? Do you? Then please reveal to me the logic behind such a stupendously dull and unexciting plot!"

"It would work, unlike your overambitious schemes!"

Morgause stared in shock at her sister, completely taken aback by this painfully truthful outburst.

Morgana took a deep, steadying breath, trying to regain her cool. She cleared her throat, relaxing her shoulders before repeating, much more calmly this time "It would work."

Eventually, Morgana had to leave the cave and head back to Camelot without receiving a reply.

Morgause was still sitting by the table, eyes wide in disbelief, well into the early hours of the morning.


Authors Notes: Poor Morgause, she just can't seem to accept that her plans are far too dramatic to ever work. As always, reviews would be about as wonderful Gaius' ponchos. And that's saying something.