Chapter 2

Barry took Iris' hand and started to get up. After being trapped in the speed force for so long, his legs couldn't function right.

When he stood up Iris had to nearly catch him. His legs weren't jelly like they were earlier but only a little more stable. The rest really did help clear his mind, but it didn't help the way he felt about being around all of them so close. After a whole year of being told what he's done wrong, and being told who he let down, he was like this future self living in STAR Labs. Broken, hurt.

He didn't want to hurt them, he wanted to leave them, they were better off with him gone, far away so he can't hurt them. He wanted so bad just to run, as fast as he can and just leave, but he couldn't even if he wanted. But they just got him back, leaving would hurt them. Everything he's done since he was The Flash has ruined someone's life. Dig, Cait, Cisco, his dad, and his mom, Joe, Iris, Eddie. Those were only a few, but they all had a reason to be mad at him, he was confused why they weren't. He was mad at himself. Everything seemed to be blurry and off. Everything seemed like it was someone else's life. He was like a whole different person. He could barely consider himself a person, he was like an empty body, Barry had died that night. The new person he was shouldn't even have a name.

" Woah, I got you," Iris said while taking his whole arm. Barry got his footing and Iris slowly let go. She couldn't help but give him a concerned look. Even the team in the cortex gave them a worried glance. He sat back down on the bed and grabbed the pair of shoes Joe left for him in the room. They were his black chucks, the sides were turing grey from age and from being used. It had been so long since he had his old shoes on. It was weird, but it made his shell feel good. Iris casually took his hand and they walked out. He started to get the hang of walking again, but his knees would occasionally buckle. They got to the car, and Barry let go of her hand to go on the passenger side. His new black hair started to get sweaty. He was nervous to go home. Somewhere in his mind was Barry. A nice, loving, happy, and generous person, but he can't find him. He's reaching and is too short. He just wants this to end. Iris got in the car and started the engine. He put his seatbelt on, even if he didn't care. It'd be fine to die. Iris is the only person even this new him would live for. As long as she's alive he'll have to try.

The ride home was almost silent. Barry wanted it quiet. Iris didn't bother to try and ask what it was like, she knew he wasn't the same. She wanted him to be, but he just needed time. That's what they all thought. Iris hesitated to say anything at all. She knew she couldn't bring up the speed force, but what about their wedding? What about West-Allen?

It all looked the same, the apartment was clean except for the couch. Iris saw Barry looking at the couch and stand.

" I couldn't sleep in an empty bed," She looked down.

" I understand," Barry said looking back at the couch. He did. Losing somebody in an instant must be hard. He did this to her.

" Here, we can go and get to bed, it's getting late,"

Barry didn't resist. He was still tired, everyday was hell, he needed a good nights sleep. When they walked into the room, the bed was still wrinkled from the night he left. There was even the cup of water he had had that night. She really couldn't bring herself to change anything. He sat on the bed and felt himself release all of the pressure that was in his back and neck. He slipped his shoes off, but didn't change. He laid his head on the pillow, but he couldn't help feel like he was in a foreign place. All he could think about is Barry would have liked this, the old Barry. To be home, to be here with Iris and live normally. He wouldn't care about having to work, and the crazy hours that came with it. He wouldn't mind saving people and helping anyone and everyone in need. He wouldn't mind being a little messed up, he has always been. But nothing in his mind before is the same, it's way worse. He is trapped in his own mind. He can't talk about it, something in his head tells him not to. It tells him he is worthless and doesn't deserve to be home. Barry wanted to be the same, but he left for good.

Iris came in the bed after she got pajamas on. She didn't even bother to ask him if he wanted to change. All she wanted to do was be with him, and kiss him. The only thing she could do tonight was wrap her arms around his chest. He opened his eyes. If felt so strange having someone else's warmth on you. He was hesitant, but he slowly put his hand on her arm. She smiled and snuggled closer. A weird sensation started to tighten his face. It was something he never though he'd feel again. It's was almost a smile. Was he back? The guy she needed? She deserved way more than a broken piece of a man she loved. Maybe Eddie would have been the best for her. She wouldn't have to constantly worry about him almost being beat to death by a meta or being stuck in the speed force. She'd be better off.

He couldn't think about it too long, because he fell asleep with her around him.

The place was dark. Nobody was there. He couldn't move, speak, scream, or see. It was like he was in a coma, all he could do was breath in musky air. Every feeling of hatred pounded on him like punches from villains, all of them being distant memories. The air got heavy, his lungs strained to find oxygen. His body started to feel like it was crushing. It felt as if he was in outer space with no suit. There was no oxygen or pressure to keep him alive. It felt like he was drowning.

Barry woke up and shot out of bed. Something about that seemed so wrong, but too familiar. It was like he was living in the speed force again. It was always constant. He couldn't help but wish he was dead. If he could get out of there, but still feel like he was being held against his will, what was the point?

He standed next to the bed panting. The alarm clock read 5:34. Iris would wake up soon, she always had to wake up at 6. She would be used to it because of work. Barry decided to take a shower, he felt like he was covered in a years worth of blood, swet, and tears.

He didn't bother to grab clothes, he was too ready to take a shower. There was too much on his mind to think about clothes. Even in his sleep he never got to rest. At the least he could get a shower.

The hot water against his skin felt like heaven. The water washed away the pain, hurt, and suffering. It washed his sorrows and failures down the drain. His favorite part was actually getting clean. The shower was now his new favorite place. All the dirt and grime would wash away. His sins and failures all washed away in the moment. There was no one there to look at him and judge. There was nothing holding him accountable. As weird as it sounds, the shower made him free. It took the anxiety and depression away. Even when he was younger, if he cried in the shower, the rush of water would wash the tears away. It was like the shower was his buddy. It was warm and would never leave unless he wanted it to. It'd take the blood away, and it'd rush to remove tears. It was soothing, more than any person ever was. The shower was a safe haven.

As he rubbed the bar of soap against his skin, he could see the dirt wash off. It was almost like he was being cleansed from the speed force. All the mean comments and words were pulled down, he could think in the shower.

After he got out, he remembered to put his dirty clothes In the basket. Some of Iris' clothes were in there already. Her favorite blue shirt was in there.

He loved to see her smile when she wore it. Because he brought in no clothes, he just wrapped a white towel around his waste. When he walked out, Iris was getting some clothes out of her drawer.

" Wow babe, you got, jacked!" Iris said turning around.

Barry looked down, and sure enough, there was more muscles on his abdomen than ever. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought he stole some from Oliver. He has never been this muscular. It didn't feel strange, but it must look really different. It made sense. The speed force is where he gets his powers, and that's why he first woke up from the coma with abs. If it was any other time he would have been showing them off, but he didn't feel the same as before. His speed gave him a lot, but right now it seems more like a curse than a blessing. It made him suffer, and to him it lasted for years. The constant torture left him in pieces. No one wanted to think it, but they may never be put back together.

Barry just smiled at Iris' remark.

" Yeah,"

Iris walked over with smooth arms. She wiped her arms around his chest and felt every muscle on his body. This is really different, but she likes it. Maybe him being different is a curse but this part she can't complain about. Barry feeling good after the shower, slowly hugged her back. A small part of him flickered back, but it won't stay long.

" Oh I love you babe," Iris said kissing his neck. Barry couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable, but closed his eyes anyway. He has waited for this for what seems like forever. Iris slowly departed from his neck and looked at him.

Barry's face was a little pale, but in a cute way. She couldn't help but admire the contrast of his light skin to his dark hair. His usual geeky look was gone, and all that was left was his handsome features she used to fail to notice. His wet hair was pushed off the side, and Iris ran her fingers to scruff it up.

" There, that's the way I like it," Iris smiled slowly walking back to the bed to finish getting her stuff. Barry walked to his old dresser. There was many clothes he would look weird in now. The way he held himself wouldn't look good in his old geeky fashion. All he settled on was jeans and a sweatshirt. He supprisingly felt rested, kind of like he had been sleeping for a long time, and actually felt good. There's no doubt his physical health was okay now, but not his mental health. That was too far to reach right now.

" I think I'm gonna call work and tell them I'm not coming in. We can just stay here today,"

Barry wanted to stay with her, but not when he knew he almost killed her, he didn't trust himself around her.

" Don't cuz of me," he said quietly," Maybe I can just. Maybe go to Joe's"

Barry knew Iris wouldn't trust him alone. Not in a bad way but scared way. She saw how he was when they first found him, disoriented and pained. She just wanted to make sure he wouldn't forget anything he knew.

" Sure. I'm sure dad wouldn't mind grabbing a pizza and watching a game, catch up a little," Iris smiled, eyes slightly watering. She needed the money after drounding herself in comfort food previously.

" Oh wait, but today dad has some fellow officers over for beer and a game," She paused," If you don't mind being around them,"

Barry looked up with a questioning look on his face. Iris knew what he meant,"We told them Barry, the truth. But not the big speed force details. They know you're the Flash" Barry looked down at his feet. There was black socks on the floor, dirty ones from last time he was home.

" I'm sorry, I know how much you wanted to keep it a secret," Iris looked down. Barry's head shot up and he hesitated. His arm went to her shoulder and he did his best to look her in the eye.

" It's, okay,"

She smiled. He didn't want her to feel bad about someone so pathetic like him.

" I'll call him, and tell him you're coming," she walked away and grabbed her phone. A lot had changed in her. Barry could tell. She was more distressed and she seemed a little depressed. Although she was happy to see him, she had a lot of fake smiles in the bank.

" Okay I'll drop you off at dads, I'll get to work and I'll see you later," Iris attempted a smile. There she goes, the fake smile.

" Yeah,"

They walked out to the car and got in. Barry wasn't sure how he'd talk to his fellow police officers, especially when they had thought he was dead. This is gonna be difficult not only be because he hasn't seen them in so long, but he wasn't himself. His nerd and geek self was their friend. Not this crazy psycho lunatic. He was someone who hurt others and failed so many. The only way he can get them to stop worrying is if he was himself. It will be hard, but he has learned to be a good acter.

The way there was almost silent except for the fact that the radio was quietly playing 'House of the Rising Sun'.

Rain started to drisle and the sky was overcast. For such a good event of coming home the day wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Maybe it was a sign, but Barry didn't believe in destiny and all that crap anymore. The universe itself was a load of crap, all it's done is screw with him.

It didn't take long to get to Joe's. There were several police cars parked next to the curb from the officers inside. There were three including Joe's, and a few from the next door neighbors. This seemed a little overwhelming. Barry hadden't even really talked to Joe even though he's the one who helped Barry when he first came from the speed force. It was already awkward. By now it was pouring rain, and it started to thunder.

Iris got out of the car with him. She put her arm around his newly muscular waist and they walked up to the door steps. He knows he shouldn't be nervous, it's his family he's going to see. There is new anxiety rising in him, and he is telling himself he is pathetic. He is so broken he can't even see his own foster father and coworkers. They were almost already soaked, and the water had soaked through Barry's sweatshirt. The water was drentching his shirt.

They didn't bother to knock. It was still their home even if they've already moved out. The moment they walked in the three men on the couch turned their way. The first person Barry saw was Joe on the far side of the couch nearest to the kitchen. The next he saw was his BOSS! He was only expecting some of the few officers Joe sat around at his desk. But definitely not Captain Singh. He was the last person he wanted to see right now. It's not like he didnt like him or anything, it's just that Singh isn't Barry's biggest fan. Barry is constantly late and being yelled at because he can't be on time for one time in his life. Not to mention he now knows his big secret. Thinking about it too much made his mind wonder, Iris' hand on his arm pulled him back.

The next person he saw still eyeing Singh is Officer Chandler. He was sitting next to Singh. They were eyeing him down like he had risen from the dead, well he kinda did. He took off his soaked sweatshirt and revealed his dripping arms and shirt. His grey shirt is nearly black from all the water. The officer's eyes went to his wrist where the bracelet dampened his speed. Joe quickly got up and met them at the door.

" Wow it must be coming down hard, you're soaked," Joe said taking Barry's sweatshirt and hanging it up.

" God it is," Iris replied for Barry.

Singh gave Barry a glance. He could tell just by looking at the kid something was wrong. Barry didn't make eye contact, he was holding himself like a beaten puppy, and he looked like he had actually been beaten, in a scared kind of way.

" You look like you jumped in a pool," Joe smirked at Barry," Let me go grab you one of my shirts so you can change," His efforts to make a joke failed, Barry wouldn't smile for the life of him.

He made sure to Joe know he heard, but he didn't say anything.

" Go ahead and grab a beer Bear," Joe said starting his way upstairs to grab a shirt. He nodded and went to the corner of the room to sit in one of the chairs. Both officers had their eyes on him making him feel uncomfortable. They were like owls, hoo hoo.

" So Joe filled us in on everything, now I had my doubts, but it makes sense. You being chronically late and sometimes limping when you walk in, it makes sense. You are the flash," Singh said looking at Barry. His face was soft, mostly because he could tell Barry wasn't quite the same.

" Yeah, I guess," Barry said quietly not looking either of them in the eye. His voice was still scratchy.

" Here," Joe said throwing the shirt at Barry. He caught it and took off the one he had on. The second his shirt lifted all three of the men were shocked.

" Jeez Bear, I guess the speed force gave you something for your time spent in it,"

Joe looked shocked.

" I'll say," Barry rolled his eyes and put on the other shirt. Joe winced at the comment. That wasn't something Barry would normally say in this kind of situation. Barry's not just gonna bounce back like he always did. Singh was getting a little red faced, he didn't know the kid was ripped!

" No but really, how are you, the speed force is, a rough place,"

" Okay, I'm okay," Barry said finished putting the shirt on. It was only a little big, but it would have looked more if he haddent had gotten buff. He didn't want to talk about the speed force. It scared him to just think about it.

Joe knew he should change the subject, he could tell Barry was a little distraught.

He passed Barry one of the beers from off the coffee table. It was wet to the touch, but there was no way he was passing it down, even if it couldn't get him buzzed. They all looked at him to see what he'd do. Um he'd drink it!? It's a beer, you drink beer! I guess Singh was ready to see his employee take in to the drink. He had never seen Barry lay back, just work. He was such a book worm. Although their eyes were burning through him, he still snapped off the cap and took a drink.

" Ah, that's good," Barry smiled at the beer. Wait, can he get buzzed?

" Glad you like it. Um, how about a game?" Joe said turning the TV on. This could be good, getting back to normal. Normal was weird, this is weird, but good.

I have a plan in mind of what to do in the way future, but for the one person that liked it, would you mind suggesting something. I know the long term ending, but not the short term. And sorry for any mistakes I don't usually like to read through it more than like four times. I'm just lazy like that