Private Feelings


Ivy

My surroundings were murky. My situation was too. I know that spiritual sounds cheesy, but I think that pretty much covers it.

Anyway, it felt like I was floating — someplace dark and peaceful — not quite sleeping, but not fully awake.

It wasn't the first time I'd come to this place. I'd recently been here twice before. On each occasion, I'd found passages out. The first was a door that I had to go through. The second was a bridge that I had to cross. It was only after I did those things that my weary eyes would flutter open, and I'd spot the walls of my hospital room.

It felt like I was going through a series of tests — a trial to see if I would "make it back."

What I couldn't understand, however, was why.

And then it happened, in familiar fashion. For the third time now, I heard my grandmother's voice. She spoke in a soft and comforting tone. I couldn't see her, but I could sense her.

The words she used were the same as before: "Ivy...do you wish to continue living?"

My chosen response was the same as well. It came about slowly, but it came about surely. "...Yes," I murmured.

And once again, she uttered something that left me confused: "Name a relationship in your life that's worth going back for."

The first time she'd said this, I'd named my parents. Then the door had opened, and I'd passed right through. Next thing I knew, I'd awakened to the sight of a hospital room — where my parents were waiting with shaky eyes.

After falling asleep a little later, I'd entered the dark realm once again.

The second time she'd told me to name someone, I'd mentioned my current boyfriend Josh. Afterward, I'd been allowed to approach the bridge, and I'd calmly crossed it, step by step. Moments later, I'd awakened again, and saw the room once more.

Now she'd said to name someone else, to state one more bond that I valued in life.

While thinking on this, I grew deeply silent.

And then the frustration began to arrive. Who could I name? Why did I have to do this? And though I was happy to sense her presence, why was Grandmother my host in this realm?

Then I heard something. No — someone. Two people, actually.

The sound wasn't coming from within the realm, but from just outside of it — in my hospital room. The first person speaking was my mother. The second person was...

...Reed?

"I heard that she'd woken up."

Was Reed really here? Had she actually come...to visit me?

"She drifted back to sleep a little while ago."

After my mom said that, the conversation moved back and forth for a few moments. All the while, I felt a constant tension deep within. Reed could tell my mom anything, anything at all. She could mention how I'd treated her the first time we'd met. The constant bitterness I'd displayed. Our respective feelings for Josh. The smug attitude I'd given her.

When the small talk had ended, however, Reed said something I never would have imagined.

"I'm not perfect...and neither is she. Everyone has their flaws...but there are some things that I deeply admire about Ivy."

She was speaking slowly, but to my surprise, it appeared that she was also speaking sincerely.

"I've always admired how glamourous and beautiful she is."

I wasn't sure what to think. It was a very nice compliment.

"When I actually got to know her fairly well..." She paused. "Let's just say that she's got a lot of boldness to her."

I could hear my mom chuckling, and in a second, I could hear Reed laughing too.

"And..." she went on, "there are times when I admire her passion in that regard. There are times when I admire her strength."

I felt something warm beginning to brew within, something that would fill me up and make me blush to an unsightly degree had I been awake.

"She's got integrity," Reed said. "Most girls would do just about anything to get into Billings, and would accept an invitation no matter what, but Ivy..." She paused all of a sudden, and I could tell that her thoughts had moved to my grandmother. I could tell that she was trying to speak as sensitively as possible...and I found that I appreciated it. "She's got integrity." She said it again.

Then she began to speak tensely, and she slowly prepared my mom for something unpleasant.

"There was a time when I thought that she might have been...involved...in some of the things that happened — the things that Sabine did."

Ah, yes. How could either of us forget about that?

"And I said some things back then...things which I now regret."

I listened carefully.

"But your daughter proved forgiving," Reed continued. "And beyond that, she later helped me in a very important way."

I found myself surprised once again. She was putting in another good word for me. Actually, it was beginning to sound as though Reed wasn't putting in a good word, but as though she truly meant the things she was saying.

After a little while, I heard her speak again. "And another trait of hers that I admire..." Wow — there was actually more? "She's pretty good with computers."

At that, my mom chuckled once again. I liked that Reed was putting her in a good mood. "...That she is," I heard her respond.

"I was mistaken." Reed went on after a bit of silence, and when my mom asked her to elaborate on the statement, she did: "I don't know your daughter quite as well as I once thought I did...and the same can be said for her when it comes to me..." she paused again, and somehow...I knew that her eyes were on mine, "but I have a feeling that all of that's going to change in the near future."

Shortly afterward, my mom left the room, giving Reed her privacy to say what she'd come to say, to do what she'd come to do. Moments later, she approached the bed — I could hear her — and she simply paused, apparently standing over me. I wasn't sure what she was thinking, or what she was doing, but I was sure of one thing: I was glad that she'd come here today. In mere seconds, I was sure of something else as well: I felt better about our relationship now than I had before...now that I knew that some of the strange admiration I couldn't help feeling appeared to be mutual.

"There's one thing I didn't mention...one thing I never took the time to say."

Whatever it was, I assumed that she was going to say it now.

"Thank you," she uttered softly. I briefly found myself wondering what she meant. "Before I confronted Sabine...you were worried about me." She paused. "You cared about me. I was so emotional at the time that I never stopped to acknowledge it..." her voice lowered, "but I do appreciate it."

I wanted to tell her that it was all right. I wanted to express my own appreciation, my gratitude for her visit.

It was then that I heard another voice once again — my grandmother's, within the realm. "Ivy?" She spoke softly, gently.

"...Yes?" I calmly answered.

The familiar question came again. "Do you wish to continue living?"

And my familiar response came as well. "...Yes," I replied, beginning to understand certain things I hadn't before.

There was a pause before she said it this time. "Name a relationship in your life that's worth going back for."

Glancing around in the dark realm, I looked for a door, looked for a bridge...but saw absolutely nothing. In time, however, I realized that what I'd heard today was far more important than anything I could have seen. And then, with absolute confidence, I knew it was time to say something myself: "Reed." I spoke the name loudly and clearly. "I don't know how well it will work, I don't know how long it will last...but what I do know right now, is that my friendship with Reed Brennan is something that's worth going back for."

My grandmother got that tone in her voice — the one she'd always used when she was smiling. "Tell me what else you know, Ivy."

I paused. "I know now, why you're the one who's guided me through this, grandma. And I also know why you've asked the same thing every time." A degree of shame had come over me as I spoke. "It was one thing for me to be angry over what happened to you...but it was another for me to become obsessive. I let my feelings get out of hand. I let them devour me. I've been living in hate ever since." I thought back to a certain moment, one in which Reed had mentioned that she hadn't personally done anything to me. I recalled how I'd brushed her off — knowing she was right, but assuming things would change just because she was a Billings Girl.

I was wrong about Reed. The girl I'd judged on that day was the same girl who'd come to see me on this one.

"I've been living in hate," I repeated, "and that's the reason you've asked me to recite these relationships. Because hate isn't worth living for — love is."

All of a sudden, I saw a large patch of light within the darkness, shining brightly a short distance away.

"You've finished doing what you were brought here for," my grandmother continued. "You won't need to visit this place again."

Slowly, I began drifting toward the glow. Just before I could touch it, I paused and turned back... "Thank you, grandma. I love you."

"I love you, too," she said, speaking in a tone I specifically recognized — the one she used to use while tucking me in at night.

In the next moment, I felt the very same thing that my grandmother would always end our evenings with: a gentle kiss in the center of my forehead. Closing my eyes, I entered the light...and that was when I felt Reed removing her touch.

Afterwards, I heard her begin walking toward the door. Opening my eyes, I took a few seconds to look her over, took a moment to simply watch my new friend.

Then she swung back around, and I quickly shut my eyes again. Things had changed, and perhaps we both knew it, but I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that in the open just yet, and I wasn't quite ready to try. Judging by the awkwardness with which she'd been speaking, I didn't think that Reed was either. It was a case of hidden hearts. A case of private feelings.

She stayed a little longer, and then I heard her leave.

Slowly, I opened my eyes, tossing a calm stare around the empty room. In time, a tiny grin overtook my lips, and I lowered my gaze to the sheets with a chuckle. Reed and I had some things to sort out, and we'd eventually get to doing that.

Like true friends, I figured it would happen sometime when we were both ready...and I figured it would happen sometime soon.