Chapter 1: The Insanity Commences
From The Diary of Invader: Pez
Oh, the Tallest of the Tallest has surely blessed me. I've finally been recognized for my superior skills as a pilot and a Gunner. I have been chosen to assist fellow Invader Zim on his mission to conquer the Planet Whose Name No One Dares Speak. Of course, I KNEW that the Tallest would have to forgive me for that little mishap in the Massive…anyone could have accidentally pushed the "Don't push this" button by accident and blown a 5 foot hole through the hull. Besides, we only lost ONE Irken. A minor setback.
But anyway.
I have been supplied with the most advanced of Irken technology. This is not to say that it was as blatantly stupid as my soon-to-be superior Zim's GIR unit. I'm not an imbecile. I just waited until I was given my ship, the Megh model, and quietly modified its computer systems so I wouldn't have to listen to it scream Irken profanities at me and sing what it called "The Doom Song."
Now, I am ready to move out. My Tallest have given me the coordinates, and no small amount of well-wishing. I knew they'd forgive me. Everyone forgives Pez. No, wait. INVADER Pez. Ohh, yeah, that rolls right off the tongue, don't it?
** Aboard Pez's fairly roomy Megh Gunship, Six months later **
"Ahhh, this is the way it's supposed ta be; all alone on a long trip to an unknown world in the most advanced Irken gunship to date. Yup, just me and nobody else. All alone. It's all about the Pez…FOR THE LOVE OF HEIGHT, I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS MISERABLE CRATE!!"
Just before Pez could go into her third psychotic episode of the day and spout garbled song lyrics and junk food slogans, the Megh's computer blipped and said, "Closing in on specified coordinates." Pez stared at the red lettering on the screen, the reflection of a blue planet with swirls of white reflected in her orange eyes. "Oh, thank the Tallest. Eew, I bet the inhabitants are all grotesque and diseased. And they probably don't have that drink I like, either."
Pez snapped out of her trance. "Computer, give me the name of this miserable little ball of fffffilthy…grr…filth."
The ship's computer blipped once again and "Planet Earth" was its response.
Pez scowled. "It even has an ugly NAME." She grumbled, then commanded the ship to track Master Zim and find a suitable landing space as close by as possible.
The ship landed between the house on the left of Zim's and the one next to it, squeezing tight between the two buildings. The sound of metal being slowly torn apart was so loud and high-pitched that it made Pez grind her teeth until they cracked and broke. "Aw, spledge it!" She managed to crawl out of the ship, a pile of empty soda cans clanging on the ground as she did so, along with a large amount of half-eaten snack foods.
Pez picked through the various disguises the ship's computer offered her, finally deciding on a simple wig, contact lenses, and a long black leather jacket and dark green t-shirt ensemble. She entered the capsule-like pod and screamed in extreme pain as it felt like her skin was being grafted off by a rusty cheese grater. She emerged from the pod, looking like the average semi-goth child, including the evil scowl and the extensive vocabulary.
She continued muttering profanities under her breath as she took out the little draw-a-picture-and-put-the-drill-in-the-ground-and-it-makes-the-building-you-drew thingy© and quickly made a house much like Zim's, except it was colored in such bright greens and blues that it could strike a person blind (and it did; the mailman got there just as the sun hit it. His eyes are just this nasty bubbly goop in the sockets now. But that's neither here nor there). She dove behind a light pole and clung for dear life as the drill-thingy© did its work and made an earthquake that made California seem like the calmest piece of land ever set foot upon.
After her new base was created and the shaking had stopped, Pez scampered inside and sat on the overstuffed leather couch. "Now THAT…was easy." She picked up a remote control and turned on the TV, lazily watching a cartoon show that made no sense whatsoever to her. When an emergency news report came on, she decided now was as good a time as any to get to work, leaving the TV on. "…Sources say no one was hurt in this freak earthquake, but seismologists are baffled as to what caused it, being the second quake to hit this city in the last year or so…"
She headed into the kitchen and stepped onto a rug that said "I wish I was taller so I could look down at you and laugh," and the section of the floor descended down into the base. She busied herself by getting out her personal junk and unloading the bare essentials she'd brought along. Her blazing orange eyes suddenly got as big as dinner plates. "OH NO! MY MISSION IS IN JEOPARDY! BY ALL THAT IS TALL!!"
The digital voice of the computer spoke up. "What seems to be the problem?"
Pez fell to her knees and raised her arms up towards the ceiling, letting out a cry that sounded strangely like a dog howling. "I DRANK ALL THE SODA!!"
She then got up and walked back to the elevator. "Computer, take me to the bathroom. I gotta go like you wouldn't BELIEVE, boy-howdy."
--To be Continued--
Will Pez ever get her soda fix? Will her mission be a total, complete, miserable failure? Will the author ever stop asking stupid questions and start writing more in the chapters?
In order: Maybe, probably, and You bet you sweet bippy. Just as soon as hell freezes over and is invaded by flying vampire pigs while monkeys crawl out of your pants. Or my school releases me for the summer. Whichever comes first. Do me a favor and review this, would ya? I need feedback if I'm gonna keep writing at all. But that's just what you WANT me to do, isn't it? You're plotting against me, aren't you?! IT'S ALWAYS ME! WHY is it ALWAYS me?!
