Author's Note: Hey guys! Sorry this chapter took so long, hahaha. This one was a labor of love, most definitely. I am already gearing up to write Chapter 3, if that helps make up for the delay! Thank you to those of you who have reviewed/altered/just viewed this in general, it means a lot. I've changed the timeline of the story slightly, it will now be four years since Mia has seen the boys/Mrs. Knight etc. instead of five. I feel like we have a longer timeline now with this change, and it makes the logistics of the story a lot easier to process in my head, haha.
Special thank yous go out to waterwicca and surfergal23 for putting up with my erratic PMs again and being very awesome supporters of my story. Without them, this chapter would have never seen the light of day. Oh, and READ THEIR STORIES. They're super good, I swear. Anyway, please review! Anonymous reviews are enabled, so feel free to let me know your thoughts.
DISCLAIMER: As cool as it would be to own BTR, I don't. I do own Mia, however.
Chapter 2: Warfare
Showering at the Knight home had always been strange.
I didn't feel the need, the urgency to scrub my lithe frame as quickly as possible, knowing that at any second, he could come in. I didn't have to turn down the water pressure so that I could hear his footsteps, the action serving as an interlude to the next battle. I could still feel his fingers curling into my scalp on the days I hadn't noticed, how my body went limp prior to being thrown unceremoniously onto the tiled floor. He'd close the curtain without another word, cleansing himself normally as I laid there, doubled over in pain. I'd grab a towel from the rack once I'd recovered enough to move, making quick work to wrap it around me before heading into my room, bursting into tears. I'd let them fall for five minutes, pulling myself together just moments later, reminding myself that this wasn't who I was supposed to be. I needed to be strong, if not for myself, then for her. She needed to know that I was okay, that I was powering through this just as much as she was, if not more. If I was alright, she was alright. That's just the way it was.
I had to force myself to feed into the lie, that this was just a phase, that life wasn't falling apart, that we weren't better off in Sherwood with all of our family and friends. We'd do anything to keep our family together, no matter how broken it was. It wasn't perfect, but it was ours.
That had to count for something, right?
I shut off the water, watching the remnants circle before being sucked down the drain, trying not to think about how much the action served as a reminder of my own life. I thought the former had been the worst; the waiting, the anticipation of it all falling apart at a moment's notice. There were days when I begged, pleaded for it to come, for it all be over so that I could finally let go of my bated breath, my lungs threatening to crumble at the intensity.
Too bad the outcome was so much worse.
I sighed, attempting to let go of my thoughts as I exited, my body covered in the terrycloth robe Mrs. Knight was kind enough to buy for me. I padded into my room, pretending not to hear the laughter floating in from downstairs, my fingers clenching into fists. I couldn't believe he'd gotten me to do this. I wanted to slap the smirk right off to Kendall Knight's face as he'd slyly admitted his plan, finally attaining a small victory after weeks of intense battle.
'I told you I'd get you out of the house.'
I combed my dark hair angrily before getting dressed, choosing to simply throw on a pair of jeans, as well as a short-sleeved t-shirt. There was no way in hell I was getting dolled up for this. I made my way downstairs, all conversation ceasing upon my entry into the kitchen.
"Well, well, look who decided to get out of bed," Katie commented with a smile. I laughed slightly, rolling my eyes as I situated myself next to her, giving my baby sister a hug. She hugged me back, the movement expressing more than words ever could. I looked down at her in understand before kissing the top of her head lightly. Katie and Mrs. Knight were one of the few people I couldn't be mean to, despite my depressive state. Mrs. Knight because she reminded me of my mother with her benevolence and grace, and Katie because she was too young, too fragile to be harsh to. I wanted her to enjoy her youth, to be better than me, better than Kendall at protecting others. She'd been tainted enough already; I didn't want to make things worse.
"Yep," James said, popping his collar. "All thanks to me."
"Um, excuse me, I believe that this was a team effort," Logan replied.
"Yeah!" Carlos agreed, his mouth filled to the brim with cereal. I grimaced as bits of food went flying across the island we were all sitting around as if it were shrapnel, just barely dodging a piece with a swift lean to the left. "It took ALL of us to get Mimi to come to play with us, not just you and your man spray." He twirled his spoon as he said this, James scowling in his direction as he lifted his arm to sniff his armpits.
"Hey, don't knock the spray. It has gotten many a female to get in-and out-of bed with me, thank you very much," James replied, indignantly. I covered Katie's ears.
"Um, hi, James? Child in the room?" I said, shooting him a glare.
"First, I'm not a child," Katie said, albeit a little too loudly before prying my hands away from her ears. "Second, I've heard this before. Although you are an awesome big sister for trying to protect me, it doesn't change the fact that James definitely doesn't have a filter. Or really, make it any less gross." I chuckled. I always loved Katie's sharp tongue, it brought both endless amusement, as well as a surprising amount of truth for someone of her age. I fist-bumped her, a wide smirk playing on my lips as James gasped over-dramatically.
"Excuse me, but um, James Diamond doesn't need a filter. What you need is not eavesdrop on our conversation!" James replied, jabbing a finger in her direction.
"Hello? I live here, and I was quietly eating my breakfast until you guys came along and-" Katie started to say before hooking one of her pancakes with a fork, holding it up for display. "Got bits of cereal on my food."
"Sorry," Carlos said blushingly. "I can always make you more!"
"NO!" James, Logan and Katie said in unison.
"I think I'll just have a muffin instead. And eat it. In my room," Katie said, getting off of her stool. She took her plate with her, dumping the remains into the trash and putting it into the sink. She grabbed a muffin from a plate on the counter, moving to the stairs before stopping and turning to look in my direction. "Big sis, I'm glad you're back. I really missed you."
I smiled, tears threatening to fall from my eyes as I replied, "I missed you too, baby sis." She smiled back, giving an eye roll to James, and headed up the stairs. It was at this point that Kendall descended the stairs, the sight alone making me turn around in my seat, focusing my attention on the rest of the boys. Logan had taken Katie's empty seat, while James moved into the free one on my left. I pretended not to notice the scent of his man spray, and how right he was about the intoxicating smell that emitted.
The last thing I needed to do was lust after James Diamond.
"Why is my baby sister going upstairs with a muffin?" Kendall asked, confusion littering his features. If it had been another universe entirely, I would have found the gesture to be cute. But it wasn't. He sat next to Carlos, shooting me a sly smile.
"The usual," Logan replied, laconically.
"Carlos threatening to cook and James going into too much detail about his love life?" Kendall asked.
"Yeah, pretty much," Logan answered before shrugging.
"Dude, you've got to stop doing that in front of my baby sister. For fuck's sake, there are lines!"
"Hey, It's not my fault that your sister has a crush on me!" James exclaimed, flashing his trademark grin. "You can't expect me to just keep this-" he paused, making jazz fingers with his hands as he bobbed his head from side to side, "-in the closet, do you?"
"He still hasn't stopped doing that?" I asked, incredulous.
"Sometimes he does it with hairspray," Carlos replied. Thankfully, after swallowing this time.
"One time he even got Carlos in the eye," Logan added, wincing.
"Hey! I told him not to come within six inches of me while I'm activating the spray!" James defended, huffing. He crossed his arms over his chest and pouted, Logan and I doing a simultaneous eye roll before laughing.
"'Activating the spray,' James? Really?" I asked between laughs.
"It takes a lot of work to be beautiful, Mia! I just don't come downstairs looking like this. It takes time! And effort! And beauty products!"
"Oh, you mean like your Cuda Action Tan?" Kendall chided, causing Carlos to nearly choke on his cereal.
"Dude, I remember that! James looked like a yam for like, three weeks!" he exclaimed, belly laughing.
"I told you to never speak of that!" James said, his voice low and menacing. The rest of us busted out in laughter, blush creeping up on James's cheeks. "And it's Mangerine Action Tan, thank you."
"Come to think of it, I may or may not have pictures of him from that era," Logan said, smirking. "It was pretty funny."
"You have to show me those, Logie! There's no way I am missing out on that!" I replied.
"Yes, you are!" James said to me, before turning his attention to Logan. "And YOU, you said that you deleted those pictures!"
"Well…I…um. Haha, a-a-about that…" Logan stammered. James narrowed his eyes at him before attacking him, tackling him to the floor. The two immediately began to wrestle, their yelling indecipherable as they combatted, much to Kendall and Carlos's amusement.
"Twenty bucks on Logan!" Carlos called out.
"I dunno, James is pretty pissed. I think he'll take him this time," Kendall replied as they watched the fight with interest. I, too, became mesmerized by the scene, surprised at how evenly both boys seemed to be matched, as my subconscious had originally sided with Kendall.
"Give me the camera!" James shouted as he continued to tumble with Logan, neither boy showing any sign of stopping.
"Never!" Logan cried out, his voice slightly strained. "I don't even have it on me anyway!"
"What is going on here?" Mrs. Knight asked as she walked in, groceries in hand. Everything seemed to stop at her arrival, the freeze-framing of it all making me slightly uneasy. How was one person capable of so much power?
"Um, the usual Saturday morning?" Carlos said, shrugging sheepishly as he grinned, breaking the silence that had loomed overhead.
"Uh huh. Boys, please get up from my floor," she said, placing the bags onto the counter. "And since you two seem to be the cause of all this ruckus, you two can go get the rest of the groceries from the car!" She smiled, though you could easily tell it was a formality; the action serving as more of a 'right now,' rather than a 'pretty please.' James and Logan got up, shoving each other slightly as they headed out of the door, their grumbles just barely out of earshot. She then turned her attention back to the island, gasping as she noticed my presence.
"M-Mia," she said, incredulous, the groceries forgotten as she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace. I hugged her back despite myself, submerging myself into the sinful contact. It almost seemed wrong to hug someone that wasn't my mother, the idea of it alone a slap in the face to her memory. I tried to ignore the feelings that had begun to stir, the feeling of love, of wanting to be loved. I already was.
And I would never see her again.
"Oh, sweetie. I'm so glad you decided to come down. I've been so worried about you." She smoothed out my hair, placing her hands on either side of my face as her eyes locked with mine. Her own had filled with tears, the sight alone making me want to assure her that I was okay, that there was no need for those, because I'd felt stronger. But I couldn't. I placed my own on top of hers, pulling her into the second hug I knew she needed. I hated lying to her; I hated lying to anyone I loved, but I'd long since considered the act more out of self-preservation than anything. I had to lie, I had to pretend that everything was okay; it was the only way I knew how to survive. Anything beyond that was irrelevant. At least, in my mind, anyway.
"Did…we interrupt something?" James asked, a look of concern adorning his features. I pulled away from Mrs. Knight, turning to look at him and Logan, noting the large amount of grocery bags in their arms.
"No, I was…just telling Mia how nice it is to see her down here again," Mrs. Knight, immediately pulling herself together upon their arrival. She took the bags, setting them on the counter before beginning to take items out one at a time. "So, what do you kids have planned today?"
"We were, uh, gonna take Mia to the rink. You know, to play a little hockey," Kendall replied, getting off of his stool. "Speaking of, we should um, probably get going." Mrs. Knight nodded, a slow smile creeping up on her features, happy that I finally gathered enough strength to face the world.
Too bad she didn't realize it was by force.
Hockey wasn't my first love.
In fact, I'd disdained the sport at first, due to the fact that it'd always seem to cut into my time with Kendall, who insisted that we watch the games at his house. Although basic instinct told me it was because he had the comfier couch, the paranoia inside of me feared it was something deeper. As if he somehow knew that six o'clock was when their fighting had reached its peak, the sound of broken glass a prime indicator of the time. I could always gauge the time of day based on the sounds in my home, the slightest change in pitch leading me to either retreat to my room, or slip out for sustenance. I called the latter "safe zones," though with my tense body language, it was obvious that the time was anything but. Every action I made had to be in haste, fear of getting caught in the crossfire quickening my limbs, meeting my needs in record amounts of time.
I'd sneak downstairs once my parents had gone to sleep, surveying the battlefield with tired eyes before picking up the broom and dustpan from the hall closet, clearing the living room of its casualties. Sometimes I wondered if the items had any value to them at all, or if they'd simply become meaningless, horrible reminders of what the Giordano family used to be, before we fell apart. Rather, before he fell apart.
I'd sit there, curled into Kendall just as I always was, his blonde hair contrasting with my darker tones, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Every now and then he'd jump, knocking me off balance as he yelled at the tv, the words nothing short of gibberish in my brain.
I wasn't exactly a hockey expert.
"Kendall, do you really have to do that?" I asked, stretching out on the couch. I placed my feet in his lap, choosing instead to rest my head against the arm of the plush furnishing. At least that didn't move.
"Mia, come on! How could you not be into this? It's the freakin' championships. The Minnesota Wild vs. Edmonton Oilers, you can't fake action like this!" Kendall said, gesturing dramatically towards the television for emphasis.
"All I see are a bunch of dudes dressed in semi-baggy clothing chasing after a disc," I said, rolling my eyes. "You know, this is the one night a week we get to spend together, alone and you want to watch hockey." Kendall and I made it a point to hang out together at least once a week, just the two of us, finding ourselves missing the dynamic that came with us being as one. I'd long since accepted that I would always be slightly selfish when it came to Kendall, more so out of instinct than anything. I'd seen him at his lowest moments, ones that even the boys couldn't see, and it was because of those, and those alone that I would always keep him close to me, protecting him from the world whose cruelty had already seeped into my bones, hardening me to my core.
I'd be damned if I let that happen to him.
"B-But I thought you liked hockey. You're always there cheering me and the guys on when we play," Kendall replied, moving closer to me.
"That's different. I'm right there where the action is. This is just boring. I'd much rather be on the ice than just watching it on tv," I explained, crossing my legs at my ankles.
"So, you're saying that if you played hockey with us, you would like it more?" Kendall clarified, smirking.
"Oh no, no, no. I can barely skate as it is. I'm pretty sure Carlos has a million pictures of me falling on my butt. I even had to put ice on it at home," I pointed out before simultaneously face-palming at my words. I should have known better than to divulge something like that to Kendall Knight.
He attempted to hold back his laughter, one slender hand covering his mouth as the room filled with stifled snickering. Oh, how I wanted to kill him.
"How much ice?" he asked with an amused smile, once he'd calmed down enough to speak.
"Enough," I said, succinctly, turning my head back to the T.V.
"Come on, Mia. I know you want to tell me," He teased, pushing my legs off of his lap so that he could move closer to me. I shoved his head away, seeing the familiar Knight family smirk invade my peripherals.
"No, I really don't. Besides, you're supposed to be watching the game, you know. Not creepily staring at my face," I pointed out, motioning towards the screen.
"It's kinda hard not to," Kendall replied, his tone softening. I gave him a look, his cheeks promptly filling with rouge before hastily adding, "You know, cause you have a booger in it."
I gasped, covering my nose before scowling as I watched him hold his stomach as he hunched over in laughter.
"You jerk!" I exclaimed, scooping out a handful of chips from the bowl on the coffee table, shoving them into his mouth. I grinned as he sputtered, playful rage evident on his features.
"Hey!" he said, his words muffled significantly by the salty sustenance that invaded his taste buds. He dug his own hand into the dish, grabbing a small quantity, pushing the contents into mine as well. I laughed, swiping the bowl entirely, beginning to hurl provisions in his direction. He held up a pillow in self-defense, while trying to find his own weapon of choice, his eyes spotting the bowl of Cheetos his mother had left for us.
It wasn't long before I was dodging the florescent snack food left and right, my own actions increasing tenfold, grabbing bigger portions of chips in my hands before launching them at the blonde boy. Giggles filled the room as we continued our war, and for the first time, I was actually glad I was caught in the crossfire. This was nothing like the battles in my home; it was fun, it was playful, it was…therapeutic. Kendall always had a way of making me forget, of reminding me that there was a still normal girl inside of me, biding her time until she could unleash herself onto the world and fill me with the kind of happiness that I'd long-since deemed intangible.
I ducked behind the couch, food in hand, ready to strike, when my eyes surveyed the battleground. I couldn't help but get lost in the contrast of it all, how a messy area here didn't hold the weight, the suffering that came with one in my own home. There was no anxiety, no paranoia, there was just…safety. The disarray at the Knight's didn't stem from hatred. There was no language preceding or succeeding it, no glares being exchanged as footsteps cautiously circled the remains, bodies filled with the skillful stillness that came with planning the next attack. Here, everything was light-hearted, warm, everything my home wasn't. It almost made me wish that I was born into their family, that Mrs. Knight was my mother, just so that I could feel that natural security that occurred with just being around the Knight family.
Orange quickly clouded my vision, a low growl escaping my lips as I shook my head, my eyes focusing on the blonde-haired boy smirking from behind the coffee table. He'd turned the mahogany piece into a shield by turning it on its side, the furnishing managing to cover about ninety percent of his kneeled frame.
"You ready to give up?" he asked, holding up yet another serving of Cheetos.
"No way!" I shouted out, slowly coming up from behind the couch. Kendall followed suit, abandoning the coffee table as we rotated around the room, our eyes locked on one another. There was no telling who would strike first, as our tentative dance tended to go on for minutes at a time, the longest of which totaling a half hour. My fingers entwined around the chips, feeling them break in my palm, inhaling sharply at the tension that had pervaded the room. Both he and I fed off this, the lighthearted anticipation that accompanied the unknown, the allure strengthening our resolve. This was swiftly broken as Mrs. Knight stepped into the room, hands on her hips as she, too, took in the space.
"What is going on here?" she shouted, making us jump.
"Um, whimsical preteen fun?" Kendall answered, an impish smile playing on his features. It took every fiber of my being not to giggle, my teeth dangerously close to splitting my bottom lip as I bit down, harshly.
"Oh yeah? Well you 'whimsical preteens' can spend the rest of the night cleaning up this mess," she replied, grabbing two brooms, and two dustpans from the kitchen closet and handing them to us. Twin groans immediately followed, soon to be accompanied by the slow shuffling of feet as we began to clean the sullied space. Every now and then, I'd look over at him, a small smile gracing my countenance as we attempted to make quick work of what was to be a laborious task. We'd even gone as far as making a game out of it, seeing who could clean up the most in the shortest amount of time. The loser had to take an eight-second inhale inside one of Carlos's socks he'd left behind weeks ago.
I never smelled anything more heinous.
Sherwood Rink eventually became a second home to me after that, endless pushing and prodding from the boys becoming my inspiration to try out the rough sport. In a matter of weeks, I transformed from apathetic spectator to seasoned player, scrimmages with the boys becoming part of my daily routine. The space had become my impartial ear, able to take the brunt of my anger without a single protest. It listened, it learned, hell, it even gave me reality checks when I needed them. It was everything I needed it to be, and more.
I greeted the place like a familiar friend upon my entry, lacing up the skates I rented with ease before joining the boys on the ice. I needed a minute to take it all in, my mind having to get used to being in a social setting. To say that it was more than a little daunting would have been an understatement. Thankfully, there weren't a lot of people there today, allowing me to fully sink into my time with the boys.
"Mia, over here!" James called, darting in front of Kendall in an attempt to make himself open. I glanced behind me, knowing that Carlos was on my tail before passing the puck to him, smiling as he made his way towards the goal. Logan's eyes had narrowed, stick poised defensively in his hand, just waiting for him to shoot. James slapped the puck, only to groan as Logan blocked it, making both Kendall and Carlos cheer.
"Alright Logan!" Kendall called out, high-fiving Carlos.
"Damn, Logie, nothing gets past you!" I complimented, skating over to high five him. If it were anyone else, I would have been pissed, but with Logan, I could only be impressed. I'd forgotten how much the shy, awkward, boy had transformed on the ice, his agility rivaling even the most experienced of players. I loved how he held his stick with confidence, the way his eyes narrowed in concentration as he watched the puck, knowing full well he relied on physics to help him through the game. Ninety percent of the time, he was a wall of unstoppability, blocking just about every shot that came his way. To him, scrimmage games-much like the ones we were playing-were just target practice. He saved his best moves for the big leagues, or when he wanted to show off. Whichever came first.
"Just call me The Loganator!" he replied, his voice dropping more than a few decibels. He flexed his muscles, making a few gladiator poses before gasping, hearing the familiar swish that came with the puck hitting the net. He looked up, glaring as he noticed Kendall skating innocently around the ice, twirling his stick casually.
"You were saying, Loganator?" Kendall asked casually, the signature Knight smirk adorning his features. Both James and Carlos stifled snickers, while I chose to smile in amusement, despite my instincts. Even I wasn't immune to Knight family humor.
"It's okay, Logie. Just remind him that James and I are beating him by two points, and he'll get off of his high horse," I said, staring directly at Kendall. He skated over to me, his helmeted head touching my own, clutching his stick in defense.
"Are you trying to say something, Giordano?" he asked, his eyes contracting.
"I'm saying, that James and I are kicking your ass, and you can't handle it," I replied, poking his chest upon saying the word 'you.' "At least Carlos is playing with grace."
"Grace, huh? You weren't saying that five minutes ago when he accidentally checked you into the boards," he retorted, knocking his helmet slightly against mine. "I don't think I've ever heard anyone swear that much."
"Accidentally being the key word in that sentence, Knight. Besides, it was a good check. Got him the scoring point, didn't it?"
"True, but that doesn't change the fact that you called him a fucker and chased him around with your stick!"
"Alright, alright. Let's just calm down," Logan said, skating over to us. "We still have an hour before the place goes to the youth hockey league, so can we please try to get some more time in before we have to leave?"
"Yeah! I don't want to get beaten up by six-year-olds again," Carlos added, pouting.
"Those children are merciless!" James said, his voice dropping at least two octaves. He then shivered, his fingers wrapping tightly around his stick out of fear. I giggled, moving over to pat him on the shoulder reassuringly.
"It's alright, Jamie. No six-year-olds are going to mess up your perfect hair," I replied, eliciting a smile from the taller boy.
"They better not. It takes a lot of deep conditioning to get it to look like this!" he shouted, stomping his foot slightly against the ice. I furrowed my eyebrows, confused by his behavior. Was this really who James had become? I studied him, gasping as I realized exactly how serious he was, based on his body language alone. For a second, I wondered if the James I knew from childhood had disappeared completely, only to be replaced by someone maligned by change. I hadn't had too much time to think about it, as the game had begun again, Logan's shouting jarring me back to reality in a matter of seconds.
We were playing our own version of hockey, James and I switching back and forth between offense and defense, depending on the scoring. Due to the fact that he had missed, we were now on defense, our eyes locked on Kendall as he made his way down the rink, the puck moving seamlessly in time with his stick. I looked over at James, waiting for his cue for me to move. A slight up-nod propelled me into motion, stealing the item within seconds before passing it to James, trying to out-skate a shell-shocked Kendall, who was determined to block me. Carlos had become an excellent defensive player, his erratic-yet necessary-movements making it harder for James to score. I continued to elude Knight, knowing that James was about to succumb to Carlos's stronghold, grinning as he passed me the disc. I headed straight for the goal, managing to fake out Logan before jumping as I watched it hit the back of the net, stretching the material out slightly.
Before long, I felt James's body make contact with my own, pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. I smiled at the contact, the action alone making me worry less about whether or not he had changed. Maybe there was still old James in there, tucked away underneath the vanity. I exhaled as I felt my skates touch the ice, promptly observing the other players. Carlos, although faintly disappointed, beamed in my direction, shooting me his trademark smile. Logan shared a similar look, though I could tell that he was more impressed with the fact that I'd actually gotten past his stronghold. Kendall was unreadable, his expression stoic as his eye bored into my own. I looked away, unable to handle the intense gaze, my mind searching frantically for the meaning behind it all.
The others instantly noticed the tension, Logan moving in front of Kendall to lower his stick, saying, "Maybe…we should go. It's already almost 5, and we need to be out of here soon." Three of us nodded, the other still in their trance as we skated towards the exit, antipathy swirling over our heads. We stripped ourselves of our gear once we reached the benches, stowing them away along with our skates.
I took my time lacing my shoes, glancing at the blonde, curiosity getting the better of me. The four of us could feel that something was wrong, something that extended beyond the sport, into much deeper territory.
One that involved me.
"Dude, are you alright?" Carlos asked, finally speaking up.
Kendall grunted, slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder as he replied, "I'm fine." He got up from the bench, scanning the four of us before targeting my own, the intense penetration making me uncomfortable. "What are we doing now?"
"W-Well, we promised Mia that we'd take her to do something she wanted to afterwards, so I guess it's up to her now," Logan answered for me, shrugging. James and Carlos looked in my direction, curiosity painting their countenances. I continued to move awkwardly against the bench, hating how all eyes were literally on me.
There wasn't anything I hated more than attention.
"I-I-I was actually hoping that we'd just go to The Dive In," I responded, wringing my hands. "That is, if you guys want to."
"Wait a minute, you scared us into thinking that we were going to do some girly thing when you just wanted to eat?" Carlos asked, incredulous. I smiled sheepishly before laughing seconds later as he leaped into the air. "Sweet! I thought I was gonna have to try on a dress or something!"
"Well, the day's still young," I joked, smiling broadly. I stifled another giggle as Carlos's expression hastily turned into one of horror, much to the other's amusement. "I'm kidding, Carlitos! Though you would look quite fetching in a dress."
"I can see him in a polka-dotted number," Logan mused, tapping his index finger against his chin. Four confused stares followed his statement, the brunette's cheeks flushing as he realized the severity of his words. "I-I was just saying! It's not like I've extensively thought about it or anything!" James promptly got up from the bench, extending his hand for me to do the same.
"On that note, let's go to the diner!" I took it, nodding my thanks as I grabbed my own bag and hoisted it over my shoulder. My hand never left James's, my fingers loosely clasped over his as we waited for Logan and Carlos to finish packing. It wasn't long before we were in motion, heading towards the exit, my head turning to look at the troubled blonde behind me. His lips had curled into what would have been a smile, had it not been for the fact that he'd spotted our entwining fingers. He hastened his pace, moving past both James's and I, much to James's confusion. I let go of his hand, choosing to instead to have it curl around the strap of my duffel, inexplicable guilt washing over my frame. I didn't understand; it was just innocent contact, yet I found myself turning scarlet over it all, worried for the fast-paced blonde. My stomach twisted at the idea alone, the need to hasten my movements to catch up to him, to explain the reasoning behind my actions. It had been so easy to push Kendall out before, but now that I was with the boys, my old instincts had resurfaced, to be around the four men that defined my childhood-defined me.
I stopped walking, three remaining sets of eyes darting back and forth between myself and Kendall, who stopped once he'd reached the doors. I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn't know what to tell them; if there was anything to tell.
"Alright, what's going on here?" James asked, his look changing from puzzlement to concern.
"Nothing. I just, I think that this is too much for one day," I lied, not wanting to discuss the friction that had developed between myself and Kendall. "I want to go home."
"No," Kendall piped up, anger lacing his tone. "You wanted to go out, so we're going out."
"Kendall, I-" Logan started to say, his words cut down instantly.
"No, Logan. I know when she's lying. She's just trying to avoid me. But she can't do it forever. We're going to have to talk eventually," he said, staring daggers into my direction.
"You're really going to do this here? In front of our friends?" I shouted, finding the strength that I needed.
"Friends? I'm pretty sure that the last time we talked, you were considering them to be anything but," Kendall argued, starting to advance towards me.
"No, you have no right to use that conversation against me. I wouldn't have said that if you hadn't implied that every. single. one. of them had given up on me!" I protested. "I believe it was you shutting the fucking door in my face when I needed you, NOT them, so don't you dare, for a second, think that you can just use them without a fight, Kendall."
"Considering that fighting is the only way I get to talk to you right now, I'll take it," he replied, his words shattering my resolve. I pushed past him, making my way outside into the cool, Minnesota summer, wishing once again, that I was alone.
It just wasn't fair.
The ride was silent, though the cramped space was filled with questions, most of which neither Kendall, nor myself knew the answer to. The boys had tried to get us to explain our conflict, bent on squashing whatever it was that stopped us from being the quintet we once were. However, we refused to speak. We knew that the conflict was bigger than us, yet we were the only ones that could solve it. And while Kendall was up for reconciliation, I wasn't. I wanted to pretend that that night didn't exist, that it didn't set everything in motion, that it wasn't responsible for my current state of mind.
I knew why Kendall was trying to claw his way back into my life; it was out of guilt. A waste of emotion, something that I didn't want to associate myself with, regardless of the fact that it had invaded my entire being. I rested my head against the car window, closing my eyes as I endeavored to make sense of the life I had been forced to adjust to. I felt a hand encase my own, instinct causing me to snatch it away from its captor. I didn't want comfort; it was a waste of a gesture, a socially acceptable sign of weakness. I didn't need anyone to prop me up; I had been doing it on my own for years without assistance, a fact that I wore proudly with every move I made, regardless of the outcome.
As long as I survived.
James glanced at me, sadness manifested in his expression. Remorse steadily rose up my frame as I turned my attention to the glass before me, visions of small town life whizzing by. I hungered for the acceleration, the ability to just bypass it all and end up exactly where I wanted to be. It was a shame that life didn't grant us those joys, making us live out every agonizing moment with a soulless grin.
I hadn't noticed our destination until we stopped, my mind too caught up in its own mechanisms to pay attention to the landscape. I observed the area, blinking in confusion as I noticed that we had pulled into the Knight home. The other boys shared my expression, aside from Kendall, whose eyes were transfixed on the garage door.
"Um, Kendall? W-weren't we supposed to go to the diner?" Carlos asked.
"Yeah, but I want to talk to Mia alone. James, can you drive Logan and Carlos home?" Kendall replied, turning to look at the boy in question. James nodded, glancing at me before he left the vehicle, hoping for some sort of reaction. I sat there, quiet, trying to will my mind to protest, but the words died in my throat.
"Call us, okay?" Logan said, though I knew those words were more meant for me than Kendall. He patted me on the shoulder before slipping a small piece of paper into my palm and exiting without another word. I looked down at my hand, taking in the brunette's clean, clinical scrawl as I committed the number to memory. Even after all of these years, Logan was still protecting me. The idea alone caused me to blink back tears, wondering how I'd gotten so soft in such a short amount of time. Fighting was going to be even more difficult than I imagined, yet a part of me wanted to give in, to let him keep me safe. I pictured myself tucked away, pale arms enveloping my frame as I, we, battled the world. Together.
I concealed the paper inside of my back pocket, instinct telling me that someday, I'd find use for it. I reached downward to unbuckle my seat belt when the car started, the deafening noise causing me to jump in my seat, my heart all but slamming into my chest.
"What the fuck, Knight?" I shouted, attempting to strike him, only to be child-locked by the belt. I groaned, resigning to the restriction as Kendall backed out of the driveway, leaving three best friends behind.
"Relax, Mia. I'm not going to kill you. I'm just gonna take you somewhere, that's all," Kendall replied, pulling onto the main road.
"Oh no you're not! The last place I want to be right now is stuck here with you, so please, spare me whatever the fuck you've got brewing in that skull of yours and take me home, please," I retorted, tugging at my seat belt. Kendall smiled as he realized that I'd referred to his house as 'home,' as if it were a sign of comfortability. To me, it was simple logic at work; my parents had died, and now, I had taken up residence with my godmother and her children. It was basic transference of power. Mrs. Knight was now my legal guardian, thus making her home, my home. There was no emotional attachment, nor did I want there to be. This, much like every other aspect of my life, was only temporary, and I saw no reason to hold on to the intangible.
"We're going home, after I take you there. I promise, it isn't going to be anything bad. You actually might like it," Kendall said, his eyes flashing to the rearview to glance at me. A smirk had played upon his lips again, this time accompanied by a bushy eyebrow, jutting upward towards the heavens. I turned away from the sight, closing my eyes and getting lost in the darkness; the only place that made sense.
Ten minutes later, we pulled up to the side of the road, the blonde getting out the car while I stayed intact in my seat. The area surrounding us seemed familiar, the ghosts of my past more than ready to come out of their graves, haunting my every thought. I froze, gripping the handle on the passenger side door as he waited for me, leaning up against the metal. My mind raced as I tried to figure out why I had such apprehension, knowing that it stemmed from more than just nervousness. It ran deeper than that, threatening to delve into waters I hadn't touched in years. Kendall knocked on the glass, motioning for me to climb out, beginning to walk forward. Against my better judgement, I followed, catching up to the blonde in a matter of moments.
"Why are we here?" I asked, shoving my hands into the back pockets of my jeans as we approached a wooded area.
"You don't remember this place?" Kendall asked, taken aback by my words.
"No," I responded, feeling somewhat guilty for my words. I felt as if I should have remembered, intuition alone telling me that this place held a fair amount of significance, despite the fact that I wasn't sure why. My mind was teetering on the edge, torn between submerging itself into the encroaching memory or abandoning it completely. Kendall continued to walk, his expression downcast as we made our way through the woods, twigs snapping underneath our feet. It was then that I saw it.
Dilapidated, but somehow still standing was the very symbol of my childhood. I gasped, staring at the structure before my eyes moved to the blonde beside me. His countenance had curled into a smile, his hands placed gently on my back as he pushed me towards it. Too overwhelmed to protest, I stepped forward, tracing my fingers lightly over the wood before opening the doors, my eyes threatening to fill with tears.
Everything was still the same.
I sat down on one of the benches inside, ignoring the small cloud of dust that had billowed around me. I remembered how Kendall and I used to spend hours just cleaning this place, coming up with elaborate lies as we worked, upon noticing the dirt that had accumulated on our bodies. We wanted it to be our secret, an area that we could call our own, just the two of us.
We'd gone through what Mrs. Knight called our 'explorer phase,' when we were obsessed with discovery after learning about wild animals at school. We'd spend hours in his living room, surveying the space from top to bottom, searching for animals. This usually resulted in us messing up the room completely, as we'd gotten a little too into our adventures, using any movable object to either hide behind or defend ourselves from animals. We even went as far as building a makeshift tent, an endeavor that required at least four blankets, and three dining room chairs, among other things. It was then that Mrs. Knight decided that our skills were best suited for outside play and relegated us to the backyard while she tried to make sense of the disarray we left behind.
Two hours later, we sat down on the porch, boredom all but seeping out of our skulls. We wanted a new place to uncover, however, because of our previous actions, Mrs. Knight refused to drive us anywhere, forcing us to make due with what we had. I swung my legs back and forth, trying to think of something for us to do, when Kendall grabbed my wrist and yanked me forward.
"What are you doing?" I asked before he clapped a hand over my mouth.
"Shh! My mom thinks that we're going to Carlos's house!" he hissed, pulling me towards the front of the house. I licked his hand, causing him to squirm, removing it from my lips. "Gross!"
"Where are we going, Kendall? And how did you get your mom to agree to let us go to 'Carlos's?'" I queried, making quotations with my free hand.
"I have my ways," he answered vaguely, his hand moving from my wrist to entwine with my own. He swung them back and forth, just as he always did whenever we were together.
"You didn't answer my other question," I pointed out, raising an eyebrow at my friend.
"You want to explore, right?" he deflected, smiling. I nodded, though I wasn't entirely seeing where the conversation was going. "Then trust me. You're gonna love this, guaranteed."
"And if I don't?"
"I promise to, um, play Barbies with you and Katie for a whole week!" I squeezed our cupped hands, grinning wildly.
"Deal."
I took in the space once the dust settled, recollecting all the hours we spent in here playing, eating snacks, investigating the land surrounding us. It was where we made sense of the world, dissecting every aspect before putting it back together in ways we could understand. It was these bits that we took back to the boys, making our unit that much stronger. At first, we felt guilty for having it, for feeling the need to have a place of our own, then we realized it was necessary. Our connection was different; it always had been, and always would be. Although we agreed that we worked best as a team, there were times when we yearned to be separated, to break our routines. They never lasted long-the overwhelming desire to be a quintet again often became too much for us to bear-but every time, we came back with new stories, building memories that we would never forget.
"Why did you bring me here?" I asked quietly, afraid that the weight of my words would collapse the structure. It was the final manifestation of our friendship. Even though I was no longer friends with the blonde, I wasn't naive enough to deny our history. There were some things, regardless of the circumstances, that should be preserved. Our relationship happened to be one of them.
"I just wanted to remind you of what we had before you moved away," he replied, sitting across from me. "You're my best friend, Mia. You always have been, and you know that. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you and Aunt Sophia, I should have. Things would have been different if I had listened to you that night, and I know that now. I shouldn't have doubted you, but I did. I can't take that back, but I can try to fix what we have now." He paused, gesturing towards the various decorations we put up over the years, holding a cacophony of memories. I steadied myself, the sudden flood throwing me off balance, as emotions began to battle in the pit of my stomach. As much as I missed being friends with Kendall, I knew that I couldn't let him back into my life. He abandoned me, and that wasn't something that I could let go. I trusted him more than anyone, more than my mother, and he betrayed me. He lost faith in me. And now there he was, using a childhood landmark as a bargaining chip.
He disgusted me.
"We don't have anything to fix!" I yelled, slamming my hands against the wood. "When are you going to realize this? You gave all of this up when you fucking turned me away, consciously, I might add." I got up, brushing the dust off of my jeans, clapping the excess off of my hands.
"You know what? I'm fucking sick of you throwing that in my face!" Kendall started to say, getting up as well. "I'm fucking sorry, Mia, alright? I made a mistake, I know this, and you're not even trying to let me make it right! You're just writing everything off, and making me out to be some kind of monster, when you know I'm not. I'm still the same guy you knew before you left, Mia. I haven't changed. I think that somewhere, deep down, you might know that. You just don't want to see it."
"There's nothing to see," I countered, refusing to show how much his words had affected me. I shifted uncomfortably, frantically searching for something that would provide me the comfort I was desperate for; but I could only reminisce. Kendall Knight was gradually breaking my resolve, my determination to file him underneath the lengthy list of people I could no longer count on. I wanted to believe that our friendship was over, but as I stood there, I knew that as long as he was still standing, he would fight for it.
I couldn't afford to lose.
Kendall smiled condescendingly, shaking his head as he geared up to speak. "I think we both know that's not true," he said. "I'm not giving up, Mia. Just look around. You can't tell me that you don't miss this."
I chewed on my bottom lip, scrambling for a response. He was right, I did miss it. I missed everything. But I wasn't going to admit it. Life without Kendall Knight was easier when he wasn't standing in front of you, challenging your every action. He made it more than clear two years ago that he hadn't wanted me in his life, and if I were being honest, I hadn't exactly given him a reason to.
I sat back down on the bench, staying silent as I studied the wood. Kendall played the guitar for the first time on it, with an unparalleled concentration that put other musicians to shame. I could still hear the tune, and often hummed it by heart whenever I needed to smile, or just missed the golden-haired boy in general. I felt so special when he played for me; I was the first person other than his teacher to hear the music, and the fact that I was the one he wanted to turn to, stayed with me.
I couldn't believe that I had pushed it away.
I got up, no longer able to handle being in the structure, ignoring the blonde's calls as I made my way out, needing to be as far away from it as possible. I couldn't believe I let myself become so intoxicated with the past; I wasn't that little girl anymore, and I never would be again. I hated how easily she seemed to resurface, as if she'd been waiting for the right cue to emerge, overtaking my body completely.
She wasn't going to win that easily.
