I disclaim. I own nothing.
AN: I really wanted to thank everyone for the review, alerts, and follows. I hope everyone continues to enjoy this story and that it helps with the heartbreak that was the finale.
Chapter 2
His entire world shrank and narrowed until there was just Tara. Tara's smile, Tara's eyes. The feelings he tried to battle back the first time he saw Tara holding Abel. When she finally popped and he could see the proof of Thomas growing inside her. The way she said his name, her laugh. The way she spoiled Abel to sleeping in bed with her. How Thomas always went down easier when she sang to him. Her dry sense of humor. The feel of her lips against his. The taste of her mouth. How the lines of their bodies lined up so perfectly it was easy to believe they truly were made for one another.
Jax thought he knew what it was to hurt. Thought he knew what it was to be afraid. But nothing prepared him for what he felt when he saw her on that stretcher, to call out to her and for her not to respond. He couldn't lose her. She wasn't just his Old Lady, wasn't just the mother of his children. She was a part of him, what he believed to be the very best part. And Jax just didn't think he could go back to living a life without her.
Not to mention the boys. Abel could barely go two hours without seeing her before he was asking for her. Jax had only just recently learned that Tara often had to go down to the daycare to either take Abel back to her office or spend a little time with him there. The kid had already been through so much, Jax couldn't bare the thought of him losing his mother as well. More, it made him sick to his stomach to think that Thomas wouldn't remember her. Thomas wouldn't know the way she always smelled the top of his head before putting him in his crib at night. The way her arms would tightened around him just for those few seconds whenever she hugged him. Or all the other thousands of little things she did that Jax noticed because he noticed everything about her. Fuck, Jax thought his stomach twisting painfully, even Abel's memories would be hazy at best.
The guilt didn't creep up, but slammed into him full force. The guilt from not packing his family up and getting them out of Charming when he promised he would. Guilt from not listening to Tara the numerous times she tried to warn him just what a danger Gemma was to their family. Guilt from becoming so wrapped up in his own anger and grief that he all but abandoned his family. Only seeing them for the comfort and support they provided him with but giving very little in return. But worse than all of that was his jealousy.
Growing up Tara didn't have anything resembling a stable family home life. She had friends, but no one she was exceptionally close to. No one really knew her. And no one could claim to know her as Jax had. He hadn't just been her first boyfriend, her first lover, he'd been her best friend. And Jax was well aware of, and reveled in, the fact that he'd been her entire world. Even when she came back to him and he could see how important her career was to her, she put it in jeopardy time and again because he asked it of her.
She haunted him for ten years, his thoughts never truly free of her, so maybe he took a perverse sort of pleasure in knowing he was still the most important thing to her. In knowing that he was still her safe place as she'd always been his.
Maybe he should have put it together, the way it took her longer each night to come to bed because she needed to say one final goodnight to Abel. How the nursery had been her first stop every morning. There were some nights he'd come home late and find her sleeping in the rocking chair next to the crib. Jax could remember, after Donna's funeral, when everyone had gone back to Opie's, Tara had been holding Abel when someone-and fuck if he could remember who-told Tara she shouldn't hold the baby while he slept. Even now he couldn't help the proud curl of his lips at the dangerous glare Tara had sent. Maybe he felt that first twinge that day. And it had only been hard to pinpoint because he'd simply been overwhelmed by her attachment to his son, her dedication to him, that had simply made him love her more.
The day she was released there was no mistake, no twinge. When she saw Abel and Thomas she gave a smile that could light up an entire city block, showering both boys with kisses and I love yous until Thomas was squirming to get down and Abel clamoring for more. He was jealous, there'd been no mistaking it, jealous that she loved them so openly but couldn't seem to stand the sight of him.
He tried, pushing and prodding for her love. For her to look at him the way she use to, for some sign that he was an important part of her world. But everything she had, had been for the boys. Her love, her smiles, her kisses had all been for the boys. And often times left him feeling like a bum with his cup out begging for scraps. So he responded the way he always did. And he felt guilty for that as well.
Maybe they'd both been naive. He'd told her once-when he had her and an infant son-that he was willing to bleed and destroy himself for the club. And she told him she'd do the same for a child. Time and time again, he put himself out there for the club. Putting what was best for the club ahead of what was best for his family, what was best for himself. He took them for granted, took for granted what she'd told him. She always chose him, so he thought she'd always choose him. And he hated himself for the jealousy he felt that Tara had finally found someone she loved more than him, finally found someone she'd choose over him. Now he found himself wishing she'd made that choice sooner.
"Mr. Teller."
Jax shot to his feet. "Yeah? How is she? Can I see her?"
Dr. Ormond, who was very much aware of the fact that Dr. Knowles was married to a biker, and as such was prepared for the group of weary yet frightening looking men he came across in the waiting room. "She came through the surgery. She's in the PACU-"
"Pack You?"
"PACU: post-anesthesia care unit. Recovery," Dr. Ormond amended when Teller continued to look at him blankly. "It's just so that we can monitor her, make sure she comes out of the anesthesia without any issues and she's okay to be moved."
"Can I see her?"
"That's not really a good idea. At least not now. If all goes well when she wakes up, she'll be taken up to her room and you can see her there."
"What if it doesn't?"
"I really don't foresee a problem, I assure you. This is simply hospital policy, Mr. Teller." Dr. Ormond waited for that to sink in. He'd heard that Dr. Knowles husband could be a violent man, it wasn't a terrible surprise since he heard tales of Dr. Knowles' own violent temper. But the man in front of him seemed to be too deep in shock to respond one way or another to much of anything. "If you'd like to speak privately I can discuss the surgery with you."
Jax nodded, but glanced over at Chibs. "I want him to come. He understands all the medical stuff." And Jax thought he could use the support. As it was it took Chibs' hand on his shoulder to get him moving when the doctor lead them to a room just down the hall.
The doctor flipped a switch before pulling several large black and white X-Ray photos from a folder Jax hadn't even been aware of him carrying, before sliding them onto the white board on the wall, the light from behind it illuminating the images. And Jax winced at the site of the prongs piercing Tara's body.
"If this is too hard for you…"
"No," Jax had thought his reaction was subtle and realized how stupid that was. But he wouldn't turn away, he had to face this. Felt he owed it to Tara to face this. "Go ahead."
For some reason Dr. Ormond found his gaze going to the other man in the room, who gave him a curt nod to continue. "Do you understand what you're looking at?" He waited for Jax to shake his head. "Okay, so let's start here," He pointed at the first picture in the row. "These shaded gray areas, these are the kidneys. Two perfectly healthy intact kidneys. Now here," He pointed to the next picture. "Are dye enhanced images so you can see the arteries that run through that area. Now here," He got to the third image. "Is Dr. Knowles after she was brought in. Before we could do anything we had to be certain that there had been no damage to the arteries. Unfortunately there was…."
Jax felt a sort of lightheadedness, a buzzing sounding in his ears that was only quieted by Tara's voice.
"Feel where my fingers are, Teller. This is your kidney." It was the night before the brawl with Weston's crew. Tara knew that Jax had been in his fair share of fights, had playfully kissed more than a few bruises. But this night she was scared and he understood she needed to do something, needed to prepare him in some way. And he may have been just a little turned on by the way she used her knowledge as a doctor to tell him just how to take a guy down even if it freaked him out a bit. "One good shot here can drop a guy to his knees."
"I know how to give a kidney shot, babe."
"But I bet you were hitting somewhere in this area." Her fingers trailed down and to the side a bit. "That hurts, but it's not truly the kidney. You want to hit here."
"…then it was best simply to remove-"
"Wait," Jax shook his head as if to clear it. "You removed her kidney."
"Yes." Dr. Ormond's eyes narrowed. He didn't know if Jax had tuned out or if everything he said simply went over the man's head. "But not to worry, Dr. Knowles' other kidney…"
"Sounds to me like you have kidney stones." Tara was standing behind Tig, placing all the equipment she used to examine him back into her medical bag which was sitting on the bar next to Abel's carrier. The kid had only been home a month or so at this point, but that didn't stop Tara from bringing him out whenever she left the house.
At her prognosis, Tig's eyes bulged. "Fucking kidney stones. What the hell do you do for that?"
"Obviously, I'll have to take the kidney." Her face and tone had been completely serious, causing all the color to drain out of Tig's face. "But don't worry, you have another."
It took Chibs to clue Tig in on the fact that she was joking. And it was a joke that Tig wouldn't appreciate until much later. Though Jax figured by the time he passed that first little stone, he probably would have much preferred she took the kidney.
"I see no reason why she shouldn't make a full recovery." At this, Dr. Ormond could see that whatever fugue Jax had been in cleared.
"When can I see her?"
"Again, Mr. Teller, she's being monitored right now. We just need to make sure she comes out of the anesthesia with no problems. Because she'll be admitted it's likely you won't see her until she's up in her room."
"How long?"
Realizing Jax was not going to be satisfied until someone gave him a definitive answer, Chibs jumped in before the doctor could speak. "Forty-five minutes to an hour." And he hoped to God that Jax would be able to see Tara by then.
"Okay," Jax nodded before holding his hand out to the doctor. "Thank-you."
They were barely back out in the waiting room when they were approached by a clearly upset Margaret Murphy.
"One of the nurses called me when Tara was brought in." The tears were still thick in Margaret's throat, her eyes were red and puffy, tears still streaking down her face. "My God who would do such a thing to her?" She asked as she lowered herself into the seat next to his.
"Gemma Morrow."
It took a moment for the response to connect to the reality of what was said. Margaret knew Jax could be cold and threatening, had seen it enough times from his mother to know where he got it from. But when he spoke the woman's name, it was like he was speaking of a stranger and not his own mother. She was so taken aback that she thought it safe not to even bother to continue down that road. "I hope you don't mind, I spoke with Dr. Ormond. He told me she'd make a full recovery."
"It's probably what Tara wants. You…you've been like a mother to her these last few years."
"Not a very good one." Margaret felt a fresh bout of tears come on. "I abandoned her when she needed me most."
Jax placed his hand over the one she had braced on the arm of the chair between them. He couldn't help the stray thought that she hadn't been the only one to abandon Tara recently. "She'll be glad you're back."
Margaret nodded, not expecting such kindness from Jax given what all she helped Tara do. But that was also a road she decided to stray away from. "I have Tara's things. Well, her boots." She handed them to Jax, they were the only item of clothing she had on that hadn't been completely stained with blood. Not that it mattered since the police took it all as evidence anyway. "And here's the necklace she was wearing and her wedding rings. Also, keep this pager on you. They'll call it when Tara's awake and you can see her."
Jax nodded, but his attention was focused on the rings in his hand. She still had her wedding ring, despite how bad things had got between them, despite not even being able to tell him she loved him, she still had her rings. He could still remember the day he proposed. Could still remember the love that filled him to bursting as he watched her with Thomas in her lap in that ugly ass grey robe that she somehow made work. Couldn't help but to smile when he thought about how her skin had glowed and the way he could smell himself on her. Or how she'd obviously tried to finger comb her hair into some semblance of order as if Thomas would take one look at it and know just what Daddy had done to Mommy. The smile she gave him broke everything inside of him and put it all back together again. He'd been so nervous, though he didn't know why. He knew she'd say yes, but for some reason was still scared shitless she'd say no.
And maybe the wedding wasn't the most ideal of circumstances, but he wasn't thinking about that. All he could think about was making her his wife, doing what he'd been dreaming of since he was sixteen. His eyes went to the band and the sweetness that came with the memory of making Tara his wife soured.
"I need to make a run."
Bobby turned to Jax. "You can not be serious right now, brother."
The hand holding Tara's rings clenched in a fist, but Jax kept his eyes trained on Bobby's. "I have to do this before she wakes up. I still have half an hour left, I'll be back before then." When Bobby still looked skeptical, Jax lowered his voice. "I have to do this Bobby."
"You better be back here before she wakes up."
"I will be. I promise."
Bobby nodded, but decided not to point out just how weary Tara had become of his promises.
Tara came awake slowly, reluctantly, and painfully. She felt as though someone had completely drained all the blood from her body and replaced it with quick drying cement. The room she was in wasn't overly bright but it was still painful to get her eyes use to what little light there was even behind her closed lids. She was in the hospital, knew that by sound and smell. Both of which were causing her head to pound and her stomach to roll.
Opening her eyes seemed like a bad idea, but she couldn't seem to stop it. The figure sitting besides her bed wasn't entirely clear, though the silhouette registered, and Tara thought she may have smiled. It was hard to be sure since she couldn't exactly feel her face.
"Hey, Darlin'." Bobby leaned forward, unable to keep the smile off his face at seeing her eyes finally blink open.
Tara tried to speak but only managed a croaked sound that hurt her throat and her head.
"Jax?" Bobby offered, glancing over his shoulder even as he reached for the call button. He thought about giving a shout but the way Tara winced each time he spoke, though his voice rose barely above a whisper, had him thinking better of it.
"No." The words were more mouthed than spoken but even thinking about shaking her head hurt. "My boys?"
"They're okay. We're taking care of them." He wasn't sure how much she remembered. Bobby was well aware of just how fuzzy the memory could be after surgery, he kind of hoped it was true for her. "These positions are usually reversed aren't they?"
She attempted another smile, and for reasons she didn't fully understand Tara lifted a heavy hand to give his beard a tug in response. She only just barely succeeded and by the time her hand dropped back to the bed she was asleep.
And naturally that was the moment the nurse decided to come in or more accurately, when the nurse was shoved in the room by a charging Jax.
"Is she up?"
To avoid getting pushed aside, Bobby stood up and stepped back to allow Jax to retake his place at Tara's side.
"She was, for like two seconds."
"What'd she say? She say anything?" Jax brought Tara's hand to his mouth even as he reached out the brush a strand of her hair off her forehead.
"Nothing." Bobby shrugged. "She asked about the boys and then she went back out."
"Vitals are fine, she's responding to outside stimuli." At the panicked look on the face of Dr. Knowles' husband, the nurse gave a kind smile. "She's sleeping. That's a good thing, she needs her rest."
"Thank-you." Jax's gratitude was mumbled into Tara's hand, his eyes trained on his wife as if he could wake her again by will alone.
"How are the boys?" Bobby asked as he went around to the side of the bed the nurse vacated.
"Thomas refuses to go down, I could hear him screaming in the background. Abel's been asking for his mom every five minutes. He asked me where she was at least three times." He knew the boys needed to hear from him, that it was important for Abel to speak to at least one of his parents. But something in his gut told him that the second he left the room Tara would wake up. He wanted, needed, to be at her side when she woke up. And now selfishly, he hoped she wouldn't remember. He wanted to be the first face she saw, he wanted her to know that he was with her. He was sick of letting her down, sick of breaking promises, and not being what she needed him to be.
"You should bring them."
With Tara's fingers still pressed to his lips, Jax shook his head.
"Jax," Bobby's voice was soft. "This woman went to lengths you didn't even think she was capable of for those boys. There's nothing a doctor can do, no drug they can give her, that will do for her what opening her eyes and seeing her boys will do. Thomas is young, maybe too young. But Abel, that's her little man, let her hear his voice."
"Her little man." Jax repeated, allowing his lips to curl into a smile. Abel was definitely Tara's little man and the kid knew it too. The first time he ever snuck into bed with them, Jax tried to get him to go back to his room. Even picked him up and carried him there himself, but somehow Abel had beat Jax back to Tara's side. Jax had given her his best pleading look, having been looking forward to being buried in his wife all day. It was a look that had always worked on Tara before. But it was in that moment he realized Abel had a look of his own and Jax learned that it trumped his look every time. The kid could get her to do anything, maybe he could get her to wake up.
He had Chibs go get the boys, Margaret informed him that she would keep Thomas with her until Tara woke up. And she must of seen the concern on his face because she began to explain that it was normal for Tara to still be asleep and assured him it was a good thing that she was resting. Jax wasn't sure if Abel understood what was being said, but he seemed to pick up on the general mood and the kid who, lately, wanted to walk and do everything himself insisted on being carried.
"Mr. Teller."
His heart dropped, his instincts telling him to run to Tara's room and lock himself inside. He'd forgotten, it didn't seem possible, but somehow he'd forgotten that he agreed to turn himself in. But hearing Patterson's voice, seeing her along with two uniform officers standing outside Tara's hospital room brought it all crashing back. "Look," He hated the hint of desperation that leaked into his voice. "I'm not going back on our deal, but can we just-"
"Mr. Teller, please." Patterson interrupted, gesturing down the hall where he knew a small waiting room sat empty.
Clutching Abel tighter to his chest, Jax reluctantly followed Patterson. He didn't want them to take him away in front of Abel, didn't want them to take him before he could see Tara's eyes again. He didn't want them to take him. What seemed like a good idea not even twenty-four hours ago, was now a living nightmare.
"Mr. Teller," Patterson began when they both took their seats. "I talked to my superiors and I got you a week."
It took a few moments before that sank in for Jax and his confusion must have shown on his face, since Patterson leaned forward and began to speak slowly as if to a child.
"You contact a lawyer, get them here to make sure everything is above board. You sign all the necessary paperwork, including an agreement to voluntarily turn yourself over to the proper authorities. But your movements must be confined to this hospital and your home. You agree to all of that, I can give you a week-seven days- before you have to turn yourself in."
The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of Patterson, in front of the cops, and it was harder to battle back the tears than he thought it would be. But a week was more than he had before and more than he thought he'd be getting. "You have my word. My son needs to see his mother, when he's with her I'll give the lawyer a call and have him call you with a time. Whatever time he gives, I'll be there. I promise."
"It's late or early depending on how you look at it. If you're not able to get in contact with him until tomorrow, giving you an extra day with you family, it'll be completely understandable."
"Why are you doing this for me?"
Patterson stood up. "I'm not doing this for you, Mr. Teller. I told you, I'm a mother and I've made mistakes. I'll be waiting to hear from your lawyer." She started to walk away only to stop walking when she reached the entryway. "I ran into that friend of your wife's, Margaret Murphy I believe, she said Dr. Knowles is going to pull through…I was glad to hear that." With that and a curt nod, she left.
"Can we see Mommy now, Daddy?"
Jax looked down at his son, couldn't help but smile sadly at the pout that was on his little face. A pout that was almost identical to Tara's that it didn't even seem possible. "Yeah," He dropped a kiss to the top of Abel's head as he stood up. "We're going to see Mommy now."
