Months passed like sand through Bellamy's fingers. The day after Clarke left, Bellamy had taken Jasper out to a clearing near their camp to bury Maya, wrapped in a blanket, like a child. Jasper had cried, and Bellamy had gently patted his shoulder, sending a silent prayer to the girl beneath the ground. Now that mound of soil was covered in a deep layer of white ice. Winter approached quickly, and heavy snow forced everyone to retreat to the Ark for shelter. It was nearly impossible to establish any kind of permanent structure in this weather. The frigid temperatures were brutal and once outside it was almost impossible to see more than a few inches in front of yourself. All efforts had to be halted, although most didn't seem to mind, glad to have a break, and wildly fascinated by the snow.
Bellamy stood at one of the larger windows, staring out at the thickly falling snow, arms crossed over his chest. Octavia stepped up behind him and wrapped her arm around his waist. He looked down at her with a smile and slung his arm over her shoulder.
"It's beautiful, huh?" She said, nodding out at the snow.
"Mm." Bellamy grunted, following her gaze. It was beautiful. It was incredible. Bellamy had never seen anything like it before. However, every time he glanced out at the whirlwind of white flakes, his thoughts turned to Clarke. All he could think about was the possibility of her lying out there somewhere, alone, buried in the snow. Octavia looked up at him and frowned at his disgruntled expression.
"What's wrong, big brother?" She asked.
"Nothing, O. I'm fine. Just…" He sighed. "worried about things."
"About Clarke?" Octavia dropped her arm from his side and folded her arms, mirroring his stance. When had she grown up? Bellamy thought. He was so proud of her, yet some portion of him wished she were still little, screaming for piggyback rides and stories of Grecian heroes.
Bellamy shifted his weight, stalling. "Yes. About Clarke. Among other things."
"Bellamy, Clarke's a big girl. She can take care of herself." Octavia said, her voice cold. "Besides, why should you care? She sent you on a suicide mission. She was going to let everyone in ton DC die-"
"Octavia-" Bellamy started.
"She was going to let me die." Octavia cut in. Her words silenced him. He reached out to her, but she pulled away.
"Clarke did what needed to be done. Being a leader means you don't always have the luxury of making easy choices where everyone gets to live. I proposed the idea of my going to Mount Weather to her. I chose to do that." Bellamy said, massaging the bridge of his nose, eyes closed. They had been through this same argument a hundred times.
"You went because she told you to go. If anyone else had told you to go, you'd have told them to fuck off." Octavia said, her cheeks and neck reddening in anger.
"Octavia, if I hadn't gone into that mountain, we'd all be dead. There was no other way to get insider information. As for Ton DC...Clarke cares about you. She would never put you in danger unless it were absolutely necessary."
"Right." Octavia scoffed. "I bet she cared about Maya too. You know, all Maya wanted was to see the earth. It's been months and Jasper is still grieving. And it's Clarke's fault."
"No. You wanna blame someone? Blame me, Octavia. I put my hand on hers. I pulled that lever too. I made that choice. And I don't regret it. Maya was a good person. She saved my life. But, we couldn't save her. I couldn't save Maya and save everyone else. I wouldn't have been able to save you."
"Whatever you need to tell yourself, Bellamy." She looked away from him, jaw set.
Bellamy sighed. "You done?" He asked her, looking at her profile, half of her face in shadow.
"Yeah. Just one more question." She said, still looking away. "When're you gonna get the hell over her?"
Bellamy's eyebrows knitted together. "What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about. She left us, Bell. She left you. And she's not going to come back." Octavia said, her voice dangerously quiet, quivering in anger and disappointment. Octavia had looked up to Clarke. Bellamy could tell that she was hurt that Clarke had not lived up to her expectations, but it didn't stop him from feeling pissed at his sister for what she was insinuating.
"You don't know what you're talking about." He said, trying to dampen his irritation. Octavia opened her mouth to continue to argue and Bellamy lashed out. "Just stop, Octavia. You don't really have room to criticize Clarke, having slept with a grounder from the very clan that betrayed us all. "
Bellamy regretted the words as soon as they fell from his mouth. Octavia looked as though she had been slapped in the face. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she blinked them away, replying: "At least I'm in love with someone who would never betray me or leave me behind. At least I matter." Then she turned and walked away, leaving Bellamy feeling even worse than when she'd found him.
Clarke wiped the sweat from her brow, feeling a great sense of accomplishment as she looked down at at the neat zigzags of thread holding a little boy's wound together. She was improving with each patient.
"Thank you so much, Clarke Griffin of the sky people." The little boy's mother said to her, stumbling over the English words.
"ai laik glad kom...fisa." Clarke said, the foreign syllables feeling jumbled in her mouth. She smiled, as the mother and son walked towards their hut, talking quickly in the Trigedasleng language.
Close rose from the wooden bench she had been seated on and brushed her hair back from her face before turning to rinse her hands in a bowl of water. Ever since leaving Camp Jaha, Clarke had been traveling with no destination in mind. She aimed only to put distance between herself and her people. She had encountered welcoming clans of grounders along her way, sometimes staying with them, other times moving on after a few moments rest.
Clarke was surprised at the kindness most clans had shown her. She had approached the first clan with great caution, prepared to run if need be, but they had surprised her:
"Klark kom skai kru. The girl who brought down a mountain. We are forever in your debt." They had said to her. Some looked at her with reverence, some with fear. The statement had made Clarke want to shed her own skin. She felt sickened by the recognition, terrified that this would be all that she would ever be known for: murder and destruction. Each time someone alluded to her role in the fall of the mountain she would look at the ground. Clarke wanted to prove to these people that she could be better, that she was better. So, she volunteered to be various clans' healer. She listened while the different healers taught her which herbs to use against infection, what to use in the absence of thread. In exchange, Clarke taught them what she had learned in medical on the Ark. No matter how many people she healed, she still felt as though she would never heal herself. There were times when she felt impossibly alone, incurable, and tainted by her past.
And then there were times like this, when she healed another, and it reminded her of why she'd set out to win the war against the grounders, then the mountain men: because at heart, Clarke just wanted to help people. She wanted to help those she loved so badly that she had drifted astray, allowing people like Lexa to manipulate her. Clarke's hand had been forced so many times in this war. The only time she had felt the slightest amount of relief was when Bellamy had placed his on hers, a silent promise that he would carry this weight with her, never pushing her, only supporting her. Bellamy had trusted her. And Clarke trusted him, possibly more than anyone else, hence why it was Bellamy she had spoken to last, and Bellamy that she'd left to care for the others. He would do a better job that she ever could.
At the thought of Bellamy, she felt a dull ache in her chest. More often than not, the last thought that drifted through Clarke's mind before she slept was of Bellamy's expression when she'd told him she was leaving. Each time, she would take a deep breath and remind herself that she had made her choices, and he had made his, and now the two of them would have to find peace separately. Clarke needed to understand who she was now, killer or coward, warrior or peacemaker. Seeing Bellamy alive after Lexa abandoned her had been both a punch to the stomach and a dousing wave of hope. Bellamy would never abandon her; his gaze as he returned Octavia's hug told her that. And yet, she had allowed him to enter the mountain alone. Clarke couldn't shake that feeling of betrayal. She couldn't stop thinking that she was even worse than Lexa, abandoning those who were supposed to be her own.
Clarke's head swam with these thoughts as she made her way to her tent in the grounder camp, one she shared with another woman. It was on nights like these, when the weight of the past was enough to suffocate her, that she tried to blot it all out. Sometimes she would read the books the grounders had preserved, other times she would drink enough to grant herself dreamless sleep. And always, after a few weeks, just as she became comfortable with her environment, she would move on.
Tonight, Clarke sat in her tent, a biology book spread open on her lap. She was engrossed in examining a photo of an exotic plant when she heard a rustle as someone pushed aside the flap of her tent. It was a young boy, his hair shaved on one side, a braid falling across his shoulder, a tattoo running down his neck.
He nodded, casting his eyes downward in a gesture of respect. Then he said, "Clarke. Someone is here to see you. It's urgent."
Clarke's eyebrows knitted together in concern. She nodded her head and pulled a jacket on, ducking out behind the young man. Some flicker of hope blossomed in her chest. Maybe he had come for her; maybe somehow he had found her…The boy, Aaron, she thought was his name, pushed open the door to the meeting house. The figure before her was not Bellamy. It was a tall, slender woman, draped in furs and leather, her long brown hair pushed back from her face with a strip of cloth.
"Lexa?" Clarke said, eyes wide. The last time she had seen the commander, she had been leaving Clarke and her people to die at the mercy of the mountain men. Surprise quickly turned to anger and resentment, but she held her tongue.
"Clarke. I heard word that you were staying in a grounder village." Lexa said, softly, searching Clarke's face. "I'm glad that I found you." Her words seemed to echo those from the past, almost exactly the words that Finn had spoken to her after he'd slaughtered a village...
"Well, evidently you heard correct." Clarke retorted, choosing to ignore Lexa's last statement.
"Leave us." Lexa said to Aaron. He nodded and left the two of them alone. "Clarke, I'm relieved to see that you're alive. I heard rumors….they're saying that you destroyed the mountain, that mount weather is finally defeated. It seems we owe you a great debt."
"Did you forget that we no longer hold an alliance, commander?" Clarke said, her eyes burning. "The minute you struck a deal with Cage Wallace and left me to die, you sort of terminated that. Besides I'm no longer the leader of the Ark. You owe me nothing. I did what I had to to protect my people. Sound familiar?"
Lexa swallowed and looked at the ground. It was odd, how she looked like a petulant child to Clarke now, when she used to look so fiersome. "I stand by what I did, Clarke. I saw no other way."
Clarke ignored her words. "The difference is, I never would have had to make that decision had you not betrayed our alliance. Not only are some of my own dead, but countless innocent mountain men are now dead too."
"War makes killers of us all." Lexa said, stepping forward, as if to reach out to Clarke.
"Stop." Clarke said, her eyes filling with tears, "Don't you dare pretend to understand what happened there. There were children in that mountain. There were innocents who helped us. All of them are dead now because of the choice I had to make in light of your new alliance."
Lexa stopped short, looking at Clarke's face. "Clarke, I understand your frustration. Leaders must often make difficult decisions. We were both under pressure to protect those we are responsible for. I had hoped, now that peace has been achieved, we could form a peaceful relationship. Not just, the sky people and the grounders, but-"
"I'm sorry, Lexa." Clarke said, fighting the quiver in her voice. "I know that you did what you thought you had to. But, I don't think there's anything achievable for us, past a civil acquaintanceship."
Lexa swallowed and held her head high. "Okay...Well, as I said before, I would like to form an alliance, if possible. The sky people have proven that they are a strong assemblage of people."
"Lexa, I told you. I'm not their leader anymore. I did what I set out to do, and I want no part in this. I just want to move on. If you'll excuse me, I have things to attend to." Clarke said. She held Lexa's gaze for a moment longer, allowing her vexation and sorrow to fill her up. Then she turned on her heel and exited the meeting hall, taking great gasps of air, her head swimming. When she reached her tent, she sunk to the ground, allowing her tears to fall, and her grief to wash over her. Some part of her was glad that she had finally come face to face with Lexa, and in doing so had faced that part of her wound.
Once her tears had dried, she made her choice. It was time to move on. If Lexa was going to attempt an alliance with her people, she had to warn them, even if she couldn't stay, she had to warn them of what was coming.
