Disclaimer: I write for fun, not for profit. All characters belong to their respective authors and I'm really glad they came up with them.

'thoughts'

"speech"

*SOUNDS*

ooOOOOOoo section break


Allowing herself to flop down onto her futon, Kitsune let out a soft groan. Her arms and legs were sore in places she had never even knew existed and she didn't remember the last time she felt this sweaty, dirty or miserable. Even at her worst times as self-proclaimed partygirl and part-time alcoholic she had felt better than now. This was awful! She covered her face with her hands and groaned again in frustration.

If she had know that things would turn out like they did, she would have kept her big, fat mouth shut for once and not goaded her roommates into confessing their crushes on Keitaro!

Now...now they would barely talk to each other. Not even when they were paired up by Granny Hina and Kanako for chores around the inn. Or at breakfast, lunch or dinner for that matter. And then there were Granny and Kanako. How a gentle and kind person like their landlord could be related to such a sadistic slaver would be a complete mystery to Kitsune for the rest of her life. Granny and Keitaro's sister had arrived two days after Haruka had informed them of Keitaro's impromptu decision to leave the Hinata for a few weeks. Considering the murderous look on Harukas face after demanding Keitaro explain himself and getting a 'I need a break' in return, it was a wonder they still had had a working phone to call Granny from.

Anyway, as soon as Granny and that dominatrix-in-training, Kanako, had arrived they had been given the third degree by the young girl. Unsurprisingly, shortly afterwards accusations and blame were passed around like sweets at a birthday party. Equally unsurprisingly, it had ended in a complete estrogen-fueled mess of angry shouts, scathing remarks and silent treatments. While the older girls, like Motoko, Naru and Kanako each went their separate ways after the fallout between them, the trio of would-be-co-wives to their landlord had stuck together, defending each other against all the blaming and shaming on that afternoon.

Kitsune was just glad that in the whole chaos her dormmates had completely forgotten about her, even though at first she had been miffed about that very fact. In fact she had felt downright insulted at first. Did they really think that she couldn't wrap an inexperienced guy like Keitaro around her pretty finger? 'Puuhlease', thought the foxy girl. 'They wouldn't even have a chance to make a pass at him. 'Kitsu-nee' could have 'Kei-kun' be her plaything by noon if she wanted to.'

Sadly, she thought, while she somehow dodged a bullet at the 'love-fest' that day it didn't mean that she was safe from other dangers. Oh no, quite on the contrary.

Turns out, Kanako and Keitaro had kept in touch frequently and the younger girl had quickly done the math on her brother's dwindling funds at the same time each month when the rent was due. And having been told about her brother's tenants she had had no trouble identifying Kitsune as the main reason for why her Onii-chan had to shop at second-hand clothing stores. After all was said and done and the lines had been drawn, Kanako had singled the freelance writer out and told her in no uncertain terms that she would pay for every Yen she had leeched off 'poor Onii-san'.

And pay she did, Kitsune thought as she attempted to roll onto her right side only to stifle another groan at the pain the simple movement brought her. Where was her sympathy for Kitsune? That evil girl hadn't even left her any booze to dull the pain. Sadist! Succubus! 'Wanting to make her own brother fall for her when he could have a babe like me or Naru, tsk! Good luck with that, sister!', Kitsune thought sourly. If her parents hadn't been so strict about proper etiquette and language she would have found quite other terms to describe the younger girl, grr. A knock on her door interrupted her angry ranting before she drifted off into daydreams about how to get rid of the gothic lolita.

"Kitsune-sempai, dinner will be ready in ten minutes.", Shinobu's voice rang through the closed door before she heard the girl head further down the hall. For a short moment Kitsune pondered on whether the delicious meal her dorm-mate had prepared would be worth getting up and having to face the tense atmosphere at dinner table. Her stomach grumbled in response making the decision for her. Despite the protests from her stiff shoulders and her aching legs Kitsune got up and proceeded to make her way to the kitchen with just one thought on her mind 'Keitaro, wherever you are, I hope you're having a better time than me.'

ooOOOOOoo

At the same time in Nerima

*HACHOOO* A loud sneeze rang through the empty street in a quiet neighborhood and reverberated off the high garden walls.

"You getting sick on me?" asked Happosai not bothering to look at his most recent pupil as they walked alongside each other.

"No, I don't think so." Keitaro shook his head and tightened the straps on his backpack before furiously wiping his nose with the sleeve of his training Gi. While he had no illusions about his looks after two weeks of torture he just hoped that with all the grime and dirt covering his clothes nobody would notice the copious amount of snot on his sleeve. It was a small wonder that this was the only reaction to his abrupt change in lifestyle, he thought. A lifestyle that for the past two weeks had consisted of the most grueling, inhumane training methods from dawn till nightfall every day, followed by nightly panty raids, followed by him cooking rice and whatever edible plants his 'Master' happened to find over a bonfire and then falling asleep in some tree or cave.

Getting thrown of a steep mountain slope? Check. Being rented out to farmers to plow their fields without machines or horses all day? Been there, done that. Sneaking into all-girls schools in broad daylight so his 'Master' could perv on teenage girls and then getting beat up while the old bastard escaped with their underwear? Seen it all. It was hard to keep track of all the horrible and life-threatening situations he had been through since being dragged off to this 'training trip'. If he had known before how much punishment he could take, he would have simply jumped of the rooftop that night and ran off into the night, forgetting he had ever met that demonic dwarf.

"Good. Can't have my student getting sick on me while I'm gone, can I?"

The small man smiled and jumped up to hit Keitaro on the back, almost making his student lose his balance. Not that he was worried in the least. Keitaro was a tough cookie after all, the martial arts grandmaster thought. Lesser man would have been heavily injured or dead after some parts of the training, but here the boy was still standing. Besides the obvious fatigue and the almost constant whining during training the only real outward sign of weakness coming from his pupil had been that sneeze.

"Really?" Keitaro asked almost instantly. The older man glared at him sharply in response, not having missed the hopeful tone in his student's voice.

Keitaro gulped nervously. "I-I mean, really? What a shame..." Happosai's glare intensified at the failed attempt to sound sincerely disappointed. There was no turning back now, Keitaro thought, he had to use THAT.

"I guess there's no helping it. Then I'll be heading back home. See you around, Master!" With a cheerful wave of his hand Keitaro turned around as fast as he could and decided to use his newly developed speed to try and a make break for it. About five feet into his mad dash towards freedom, he was send flying towards the nearest wall by a well-placed 'love tap' to the back of his head.

"You're still a hundred years to young to pull a fast one on me, sonny boy." Happosai stated, polishing his trusty pipe as he was wont to do after using it to smack some sense into his students.

Keitaro mumbled something that sounded like 'Sorry for presuming' through a mouthful of concrete and slowly peeled himself off the garden wall.

"Now that you're somewhat more in shape we can get to the good parts."

"The...good parts?" Keitaro asked hesitantly, rubbing his smarting head. The ringing in his ears was making it really difficult to make out any other sounds besides it.

"Of course!" The old man was suddenly all smiles again. Keitaro just wished he'd stop shouting. "Now the time has come for the student to reach out to prove himself and broaden his horizon while the teacher leans back and lets the student do all the work! Hohohoho!" This borderline personality disorder of his was r-e-a-l-l-y creepy, Keitaro thought.

If the neigh indestructible Toudai-Tryout hadn't received a blunt head-trauma mere seconds ago he might have become suspicious at the way his 'Master' had cackled evilly when he finished his sentence. In fact, he would've panicked at the thought that he would have to 'prove' himself after just two weeks of 'training' when he hadn't learned a single Kata yet.

As it was however, he merely nodded dumbly.

"Now that's the spirit, my boy. Come on, follow me! We've gotta meet your temporary teacher for the next two weeks." Happosai set off again towards their destination, wherever it was. It wasn't as if he had told Keitaro where they were heading. "Can't have you slacking off while I'm gone, can I?"

Wondering if the ringing in his ears would go away anytime soon, Keitaro followed the pint-sized man and the pair spent the next few minutes in silence with Keitaro two steps behind Happosai. He navigated them unerringly through the maze-like streets and after what seemed like an endless series of the same walls and houses they both stopped in front of a two-story building on a slightly more busier street than the ones they had come out of.

"Nekohanten" Keitaro read the Kanji on the sign above the entrance. "Cat Café?" A restaurant?

"Who names their restaurant like that?" he wondered out loud still looking at the sign.

"That would be me."

Keitaro stiffened up comically and reddened at the unexpected voice coming from behind his back. Whirling around, he was about to bow deeply and apologize profusely to the owner of the restaurant but stopped abruptly when he saw who had answered him.

"A dried up monkey on a cane?" he asked, one eyebrow raised in confusion. He certainly hadn't expected that.

With a move too fast for untrained eyes to see Keitaro's abdomen made acquaintance with the pointy end of the cane. He doubled over, all the air being forced out of his lungs forcefully together with a considerable amount of spit sent flying. Milliseconds later a firework of pain unlike anything he had ever felt before assaulted his brain.

"How rude." The monkey-like thing said and removed the cane holding the young man upright, who lacking the support from the cane first fell to his knees and then forward before barely catching himself from falling face-first into the concrete below. Ignoring the ragged breaths and the coughing as if it was everyday street noise, the wrinkled figure turned towards Happosai who hadn't even turned around. After all, a martial artist of her caliber couldn't hide her strength from someone like Happosai and vice verse.

"But I guess with you as his teacher nothing else could be really expected."

"Ah, Cologne!" the old man turned around to greet her warmly. "What a coincidence to meet you here of all places! I guess the world really is a village, wouldn't you know it?"

"Indeed." the ancient amazon matriarch deadpanned, not at all impressed with his lame attempt at sweet talking. Even when they had been young he had been terrible at it. How she could have been ever interested romantically in him was a mystery to her. "Who would have thought that I would be at the place I live and work in of all places?" She added in a dry tone.

"Aw, come on. What's with all the suspicion? Can't a guy just visit his friends?"

"Not when it's you. What do you want?" she demanded, making it clear that she was ready to take on the other martial artist head first if he attempted something funny.

"Geez, don't get your panties in a bunch. It's not like I came here to steal them." He placated her. "In fact, I came here to ask you for a small favor." For emphasis he pinched his thumb and index finger close together barely leaving any space.

"Denied."

"Aw." He pouted like a small child and stomped his foot angrily. "Just hear me out, will ya! It's not like you won't get anything in return. My contacts in China told me where I can find the fabled Golden Shield of the Joketsuzoku."

Cologne was honestly intrigued. She had been just a child when the priceless artifact from her home village had been stolen in a surprise raid by an enemy amazon tribe. Even after defeating the other village resoundingly nobody had been able to find the Golden Shield following it. All who knew about it's location had taken their knowledge to the grave it seemed. Several myths had sprung up when there was no trace to be found of it no matter how extensive the search for it was. Nowadays, it was believed that the shield would only show itself to the woman it deemed worthy to protect and strong enough to carry it into battle for the good of the tribe.

Whoever returned it to the village would be hailed a hero and remembered as a legend by future generations, this much she was sure of.

"Really now? And what makes you think that I would just believe you in exchange for whatever it is you want from me?"

"Have I ever broken my word?"

"I can't remember a time when you didn't." Cologne responded calmly.

"Now that's a low blow." Happosai began arguing. "I've never broken my word, I just reinterpreted the meaning of it and acted accordingly to it."

"Isn't that the definition of breaking your word?"

"Details, details." He waved her off. "Alright, I see you're a tough sell."

"I solemnly swear that should I, Happosai, Grandmaster of the Anything Goes Style of Martial Arts, fail to uphold my promise to bring back the Golden Shield, my student will belong to you to do as you please with him." He exclaimed in a serious voice and threw his right hand out to his side so it pointed to his downed student, who was in too much pain to react.

"I have no use for weak males like him." The matriarch said disparagingly. "Not even the women from my tribe who are desperately wanting to get married will want him. And I get no enjoyment from killing innocent men and children." Up until now the boy had only showed how loudmouthed he was, nothing that was fit for the classic role of house husband in her opinion.

"Now, why would you say that about my student?" Happosai walked over to Keitaro's prone form and roughly pulled his student's head up by his hair.

Grabbing Keitaro's jaw with his free hand he continued talking like a used car sales man. "Look at him! Endured some of my harshest training methods with literally next to no training with only superficial injuries. He's built like a tank and in top health too! Just take a look at those pearly whites!" He said and forced Keitaro's mouth open to put his teeth on display like he was selling a horse.

"Personality wise he's docile and knows his way around the kitchen and the rest of the house. And while he hasn't much physical strength, he's got tons of stamina and big hands, if you're catching my drift! Together with that boyish face of his and his school smarts he's ideal husband-material for sure!"

School smarts? Now that merited a closer look at the boy, Cologne thought and walked over to the pained looking male. While their village was currently the strongest it had been in decades, she knew that it's existence in current day China was only due to the great sway she and the other elders held over the local politicians and government workers.

But what would happen to her beloved village once they were no more? They needed to prepare a new generation of knowledgeable and shrewd women to take over and built upon the foundations their predecessors would leave to them. Sadly, during and after the Second World War things had been hectic and after assuring the survival of their people they had neglected to plan for a then uncertain future, focusing instead on what was needed to live and thrive in the present. Their lack of attention had led to the current state of their younger generation of warriors which had been brought up to believe in a mentality of brawn over brains and that might makes right, which both had resulted in them not learning anything unrelated to martial arts or weapons. Try as she might, she couldn't deny the dread she felt the thought of a young boastful woman, like her great-granddaughter Xian-Pu, who had a shaky grip on the basic math and grammar skills would one day take over the position of village elder. However, this boy...Perhaps he could be useful as a teacher after Happosai would fail to bring back the shield...perhaps with him some of the children could still be molded into the suitable successors in a few years time. But first she had to make sure.

"Boy" she spoke looking directly into his eyes. "What is it that you do for a living?"

"I'm studying for my university entrance exams and working as landlord at my grandma's dormitory." Keitaro replied in-between short breaths.

"A scholar?" she chuckled. Perfect. "Then school boy, answer me this: what does a smart boy like you do following a fool like Happosai around?"

"I-I rather would prefer not to talk about it." he answered politely, averting his gaze. The idea to bear his heart out to a complete stranger and a woman at that didn't particularly appeal to Keitaro. At the same time he also didn't dare lying to her after having only a fraction of her anger directed at him.

She chuckled again, amused by how the youngsters tended to be so melodramatic about their problems nowadays. Whatever reason the young man had to follow Happosai around couldn't be that big of a deal, she thought. Nevertheless, if she handled this right it would give her an opportunity to gain his sympathy. It wouldn't do for her new village teacher to have something against said village.

She reached out with her wrinkled hand to pat his cheek. "There, there." She started. "I'm sure it's no-" She stopped dead in her tracks with her hand held to his cheek "-thing to..worry about."

Keitaro looked up at her in surprise at her. He wasn't quite sure what to make of the quick show of emotions that flashed across her face. However, the blank look that followed them made her completely unreadable to him. And that made her quite scary in his book, especially after the way she had sucker-punched him a few minutes ago.

When he finally felt her hand move from his face the nervousness he felt was replaced by the sudden and very dreadful realization that in all probability she would kill him in the next instant. He was sure of it. Silent women always promised pain for him, especially if they were martial artists. But a female version of Happosai in terms of strength an martial arts prowess? He was dead! Scratch that, he was deader than dead! For Kami's sake!, he thought and forced his eyes shut in pure unadulterated fear. He was a bug in comparison to her. She could probably decapitate him with a karate chop to the neck and then go on about her merry way as if nothing had happened. And that was if he was lucky and she didn't want to prove a point!

Through his shaking and the recital of Buddhist prayers in his head he missed Cologne's soft chuckle, which then slowly turned into giggling while he was off in his own world, and then into full-blown laughter, which finally caught his attention and made him open one eye to peek at the obviously deranged Amazon matriarch.

"You're not going to kill me?" he asked her cautiously. She responded by laughing even harder.

Hoping to stay on her good side he just stayed silent and hoped that her good mood meant that he would live to see another day. Finally, after what seemed minutes, her shoulders slowly stopped shaking and she wiped a lone tear from her eye and addressed him.

"What's your name, boy?"

"Keitaro. Keitaro Urashima."

"Well, Keitaro Urashima. You're a really interesting character, aren't you?" she chuckled. "It's been a long time since a man managed to make me laugh so hard."

"T-Thanks, I guess?"he replied uncertainly, unsure if he should feel relieved or worried by this revelation.

"Consider yourself lucky. There are not many men who have seen an Amazon matriarch laugh like that and lived to tell the tale." He gulped, suddenly very glad to have accepted her earlier compliment gracefully.

"In fact, the last man who didn't end up with his head separated from his neck ended up being my husband and father to my many children." she reminisced.

He gulped again in fear of what THAT might possibly meant. She chuckled again at his antics and at the way he slowly tried to get more distance between them. Being a prankster at heart, she decided a little teasing was in order. Plus, there was still the matter of him calling her a dried up monkey on a cane.

"Don't worry, boy. You're at least 300 hundred years to young for this ride." she winked at him. He froze for a moment as he processed what the positively ancient woman had said like a deer caught in the headlights before he choked on a microscopic spec of dust and started coughing violently amidst Cologne's laughter. She already knew having him around would be like having a live-in comedian at the Nekohanten.

She turned to away from the choking youth to look at Happosai. "I can already take a guess as to why you brought him to me"

He smirked equally amused by his student and the amazon elders surprisingly good mood. "Oh, really? And why woul-"

The loud rattle from the front door of the Nekohanten droned out whatever Happosai said. It also drew the attention of both elders to the purple-haired woman standing in the doorway. Keitaro would have raised his head to look too if he hadn't been so busy hitting his chest in order to dislodge whatever was obstructing his airways.

Cologne smiled at the newcomer. "Yes, Great-Granddaughter? Is there a problem in the kitchen or restaurant?" she asked.

"No. Shampoo hear Great-Grandmother laugh. Is not usual, that all. Is everything alright?" Shampoo asked in a curious tone. Since her childhood she hadn't heard her great-grandmother laugh heartily like that. It was pure and lacked the usual shrewd or condescending undertone that was usually present she had become used to in the past few years.

"Yes. Don't worry, child. Our new guest just proved to be more entertaining than I had initially thought." Cologne assured the younger girl.

"Guest?" As far as Shampoo knew the only guests they had ever taken in were from the tribe. And she would've known about anybody coming for a visit long before their arrival.

"Yes, guest." Cologne responded before patting Keitaro's shoulder. "May I introduce to you the newest addition to the Nekohanten: Keitaro Urashima, our new part-timer." Having brought his breathing under control he looked up at the mention of his name. Twin gasps of surprise were heard in the quiet side street when recognition washed over them like a tidal wave.

"AAAAHH!" screamed both. One of them in pure horror and the other in pure rage as she remembered EXACTLY where she had seen his face before. Keitaro fell on his backside and pointed shakily at the purple horror in front of him.

"It-it's the crazy Spatula-Girl!" he whimpered and put his arms in front of him. "P-P-please, have mercy! It-it was an accident, I swear! Please, believe me!" he pleaded. Shampoo was having none of it however and produced her battle Bonbori ready to enact the revenge that was rightfully hers on that stupid male.

She pointed one of her deadly weapons at the disgraceful pervert who had dared to touch her breasts and who had the gall to get in her sights again. Pathetic and disgusting males like this who couldn't learn their place needed to be dealt with permanently.

"Hentai no baka..." she ground out between clenched teeth. "YOU I KILL NOW!" With a mighty battle cry she jumped up and aimed a direct hit at Keitaro's head.

Taken by surprise at her action Keitaro didn't even have time to scream in fear. The only thing he managed to do was close his eyes and whimper at the sure death that expected him in the next milliseconds. Seconds passed and when he didn't feel any pain or sudden draft where his head was supposed to be, he cautiously opened his eyes. And nearly wet his pants when he saw that her weapon was suspended mere inches above his head by the amazon elder's cane.

The ancient woman made it look effortless to hold the weapon and her great-granddaughter in place, even as Shampoo continued straining against the Ki-infused piece of wood with all of her strength.

"I take it you already know each other?" Cologne asked Keitaro calmly, ignoring the angry young woman suspended in mid-air.

OoOOOOOoo

Phew! Another chapter down. I want to use this opportunity to thank you for all your reviews, follows and PM in response to the publication of the first chapter. It was a real and welcome surprise to me as I didn't expect anyone to read it since it's such a strange crossover. It also made writing this chapter a lot of fun, although it ended up shorter than I initially planned and took a lot more time to write with revisions and such. If you read the Omake you can get an idea about where I wanted to take the story before it proved to be to challenging for me to pull it off in believable fashion.

R&R is always welcome!

-Canoris

OoOOOOOoo

Omake Time

"In fact, I will be handing you over to one of my most trusted students for the next three weeks to continue your training while I'm away on business in China.", the old man continued still not sparing his current student a glance. "Come on. We don't have all day for you to slack off."

Keitaro sighed in disappointment and followed the small man after a short pause to shake off the cobwebs in his head. He didn't know what was worse: being in the presence of this giant lecher or being handed off to one of his deviant students. The bad karma that he had collected following the midget pervert around alone was more than enough, in his opinion.

They spent the next few minutes walking in silence towards their destination before, to Keitaro's surprise, arriving at a remarkably unremarkable house in another quiet neighborhood. He had expected Happosai's prized student to live in...well, something more ominous than a typical, well-kept house from the late 1950's with a small garden and a pond. All in all, it was the epitome of the Japanese middle-class and all the ordinariness and boredom it represented.

While Keitaro was busy taking in the surroundings, Happosai had rang the doorbell which was mounted on the wall to the right of them. They didn't have to wait long before the front-door was opened by one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. The first thing he noticed was her shoulder-lenght, dark red hair, which was done up in a traditional hairdo and her spectacular cerulean eyes. Letting his gaze wander he saw that she was dressed in a traditional white yukata that went down past her knees. It was adorned with several flower-petals and vines spanning across the surface of it. Thin white socks and sandals rounded her outfit off and made it seem as if she had stepped out of the 1950s right into modern times.

"Hello Happosai-sama" She bowed deeply to the old man politely ignoring Keitaro who had unconsciously taken a step back at her action. "It is good to see you again. How are you doing?"

"Hello Nodaka-chan, oh you know me. Same old, same old. As long as I keep on moving and training I'm fine. How about you?"

"That's nice to hear, master. I'm fine, thank you for asking." The woman responded politely. "Though I do feel a bit lonely at times without Genma and Ranma around. Oh, how I miss them. But they're always on some or other training trip and I never manage to catch them when they stay at Soun's house." she sighed sadly and Keitaro was captivated by the way she managed to convey all her loneliness and hurt in that one sigh.

"Maa maa", the old midget tried to cheer her up, "Don't be so sad, Nodoka-chan. I'm sure they're not doing it on purpose. Why, I bet they're doing their best to surprise you with all the changes Ranma has gone through! Hohohoho!"

"I guess you're right, Happosai-sama" the woman conceded before turning to Keitaro with a smile that reminded him of a certain Okinawan beauty. "So, you must be Keitaro. I've heard a lot of things about you."

"H-Hai, I'm Keitaro Urashima! Nice to meet you, Nodoka-sempai." he bowed deeply not really sure if she would be angry the way he'd addressed her. Perhaps she wanted to be called Sensei?

"I haven't been called Sempai in a long time." She giggled his antics before continuing in playful tone. "My my, I didn't expect you to try and chat up a married woman like me right off the bat."

"N-NO! I m-mean I would never-"

"It's just as you said, Happosai-sama." she said, all traces of playfulness gone in an instant.

She ignored the flustered male in front of her and turned again towards the vertically challenged martial arts master. "He's defenseless against women. I don't know if I can train him in the arts like this." She said in a worried tone.

"Huh?" Her sudden mood change had thrown him off. Had it been a test of some sort?

"Yeah." Happosai crossed his arms and nodded gravely with his eyes closed. "He's really spineless with women. A complete wimp if I've seen one."

"HEY!"