Dialga and Palkia and Pure Evil Chapter 2
Somewhere Between Three and Six of the Six God Generals of Daniel Shaw.
By Arthur P. Geddermeyer
After what had felt like several months of standing around doing nothing but was actually ten seconds the crusaders from the evil future felt they were prepared to venture toward the absorption gate. The warm Nebraska Air outside Wolf Blitzer's mansion sent an ominous wind flowing between the party's arms. Something was wrong. Nobody wanted to bring it up, but something important was stopping them from taking the first steps.
"We're all out of weed." Dialga sighed and slammed his legs to the ground in frustration. "We can't defeat Daniel Shaw without it."
"And it's early May, not a dealer to be found." Palkia replied. It created a small recreation of the galaxy in its hand and gazed into it, hoping to find a quality weed guy within twelve miles, but the closest drug dealer was on vacation in Fiji. He was having the greatest time, sipping on a Bahama Mama while flirting with multiple girls who wanted nothing to do with him at the same time. He would return at the end of the month with an awful sunburn and tales of multiple loose women who didn't have sex with him, but if the crusaders failed he would return to a seemingly bottomless pit filled with poison where his home had once been. This man sold really dank kush and being homeless would bring him into a pit of depression that could potentially inspire him to return to college, finish his degree in engineering, and get his life back on track. Within seven years he'd be married and have two amazing children if the crusaders failed. He wouldn't need to deal drugs to have a fulfilling life. With this in mind Palkia felt they needed to save Nebraska even more. The weed was that good.
"I have a meth guy on speed dial." Wolf said, reaching for his cell phone. Pete Lattimer smacked the phone out of Wolf's hand before he could get off the lock screen.
"We just want to defeat Shaw, that'll get us high enough to destroy Neptune." Pete yelled. He reached into his pocket for his Tesla. It was only powerful enough to stun a man, but Pete would rather have Wolf get stunned than be able to get them meth.
"I've got my ten AR-15s, that's all I need." Anatoli interjected. He pointed two of his guns into the air and started firing into the air randomly. He saw it in a movie once and thought it would be fun. It was very fun.
"well how are we supposed to fight without drugs?" said Dialga?
"Did someone say they need drugs?" A boy called out Italianly. Almost as if he'd appeared out of thin air young chef Takumi Aldini appeared. He was carrying with him a large backpack filled with cooking supplies. "I have the most powerful drug and amazing drug ever created by humanity: coffee."
"Thanks for the effort kid, but we need Marijuana. That's the only thing powerful enough to give us the creative energy to defeat Shaw. He has a the intersect, those things don't mess around." Pete said.
"You don't need marijuana to fight. The skill is inside each and every one of you, you just need to believe in yourselves." Takumi's words pierced into each crusader's heart. Every fiber of their being was filled with a powerful energy that was inside of them the whole time that they didn't know to look for. It was the power of me projecting my insecurities onto them all and realizing that I can write without being high. "Can I join you all? I need to protect my father's domain."
Everybody and their mother knew that Takumi Aldini was the son of the Goddermeyer, lord of the environment. He'd been adopted into the Aldini family and used his demigod powers to outshine his younger brother in cooking. When Erina Nakiri tasted his specialty, whole cow of beef, the bestowing energy granted by it was so powerful that everyone on the planet was stripped and the Tootski Teahouse cooking academy was closed to be replaced with the Takumi Aldini academy of whole cow of beef. The crusaders knew Takumi would be a valued addition to their team and accepted him immediately. Palkia hacked himself so that he'd be able to use dig and dug a giant hole to the front of the absorption gate. Dialga grabbed for himself his lucky dark green weed pipe and all six jumped in. It was time for them to battle Daniel Shaw.
It was not time for them to battle Daniel Shaw. The actual door to the absorption gate was locked, and to get to it they would need to defeat the six god Generals of Daniel Shaw: Dio the resourceful, Steven Universe the Fat, Captain America the fast, Sanji the pirate, Patrick Bateman the businessman, and the sixth god general of Daniel Shaw the sixth. Nobody knew the identity of the sixth god general. He always wore a cloak like he was some kind of scary cultist or sith lord, and nobody was brave enough to take it off. The only thing people knew about him was that he always carried with him a copy of one the Goddermeyer's holy texts, "Intellectuals and Society" by Thomas Sowell. The god Generals stood between the crusaders and Shaw. He had not made it into the Absoprtion gate either.
"A reading, from the book of Sowell." Called the sixth God General. "Chapter 10. Verse 72 'In short, the image of Hoover depicted by the intelligentsia was that of a do-nothing president.'" The ground below them all began to shake. The bright light shining over the door to the absorption gate began to dissipate as the door slowly sunk towards the qliphoth and Shaw walked in.
"We're going to stop you Shaw. I'll bet Wolf's life on it." Dialga yelled as the door moved upwards, back into its locked state.
"Like hell you will." Shaw replied as the door finally closed and the God Generals began their attack.
Captain America was so fast that he was able to move faster than the infinite expansion of space. He used all of his fast energy to push Palkia out of the universe into a pocket dimension of his own creation. Palkia noticed nothing wrong. He grabbed Captain America and threw him to the ground. When Captain America fell into the waste high pool of gravy Palkia noticed that the two of them were fighting in a waste high pool of gravy.
"What's going on here? What happened to my friends?" Palkia yelled. The gravy was making it harder for him to move and was so thick that it couldn't be seen through. Captain America could attack at any second, and Palkia wouldn't be able to see it coming.
"Welcome to the United Universe of America bitch." Captain America yelled. He leapt out of the gravy behind Palkia. Within moments, Captain America's shield had been forced into Palkia's back. Palkia lost his balance, tripped, and began to fall into the gravy pool.
Palkia could now see that what he'd thought was the ground was a giant perfectly cooked turkey. He was slowly losing breath and within moments Captain America would dive into the gravy to look for him. If it were a pool of water Palkia would be able to battle Dialga without trouble but Palkia was not a gravy type so he was outclassed. Palkia used special rend to create a small hole of oxygen he could breathe in and collect his thoughts.
The United Universe of America was Captain America's perfect world. He created it himself to be the greatest America anyone could imagine. His first action as eternal god-president of every species was to have the USA conquer the entire earth and then invade space. Within moments all of the universe was under Cap's control. He gathered all six infinity stones within moments and used their immense energy to turn every planet into a roast turkey. Their oceans were all magically transformed into gravy. Thanos was so embarrassed that he didn't think to do something similar that he exploded in shame and all was well in the world. After fifteen million generations every species evolved to live under and breathe gravy. It was truly the most delicious universe anyone could imagine.
The gravy keeping Palkia from being able to fight with all of his strength was getting deeper. A group of gravy mermaids grabbed Palkia and pulled him deeper. Captain America sank into the ever-expanding ocean of gravy and started unleashing a near unending series of punches upon Palkia. Palkia didn't know how much longer it could last receiving blows that fast and powerful; he was running out of energy.
Without energy, Palkia began to fade in and out of consciousness. His mind would shut down and he'd be knocked out only to be rudely awakened by a powerful shield slam to the gut. Palkia was truly trapped in muddy water. In a last-ditch effort to stay alive Palkia used water pulse just before Captain America was about to land a punch. The mermaids and Cap were pushed back just long enough for Palkia to use special rend and create a portal out of the United Universe of America.
Gravy flooded out of the portal into the normal universe. Captain America was pulled in and he and Palkia got into a test of strength.
"I am a Vegan and this man tried to make me eat some meat!" Palkia yelled. This sentence was the summoning call of magical vegan crusader John Sakars. J-Sak arrived as he was summoned and brought his mystical butcher's knife of veganism with him. Legends said Sakar's knife could kill a meat eater with one stab to the kidney, just like a normal knife would. The legends were correct, Captain America was dead in seconds. "Thanks John Sakars."
"No problem my fellow Vegan brother. I hope when you pass you'll get to join me in Vegan-halla the perfect resting place." John Sakars said and disappeared back into the darkness of the absorption gate.
The other ten combatants saw Captain America and Palkia disappear, only to reappear moments later. They'd see John Sakars appear out of nowhere and stab Captain America moments later. Anatoli Sergievski used the distraction as an opportunity to open fire and launched all ten of his AR-15s on the remaining god generals. Steven Universe the fat noticed this just in time and created a bubble shield to protect them all from the gunfire. Patrick Bateman grabbed his favorite stabbing knife and rushed out of the shield into Anatoli's open gunfire. Each bullet that pierced Bateman ran through his flesh but continued moving unphased by the holes being constantly torn into his skin.
"For the Goddess who shalt not be named!" Patrick yelled as he stabbed his knife into Anatoli's left hand. The pain was so immense that Anatoli had to stop shooting five of his AR-15s. The holes in Patrick's body became so large Anatoli was able to see that there was something under Patrick's flesh. It was the body of a portly Russian man.
"Shit. He's a goddamned skinwalker." Anatoli yelled, never once easing fire. The skin of Patrick Bateman that was being worn by the skinwalker had finally been torn off revealing his true face. If he'd lost a few pounds he'd have looked so similar to Anatoli that it could be assumed they were the same person. It was Pierre Bezukhov, the protagonist from War and Peace. "Fuck! I've never read War and Peace, it's too long. I don't know his weakness. Someone help me out here." Anatoli called unbeknownst to the fact that he wouldn't need to Pierre's weakness to defeat him. Turns out that point blank open fire from five AR-15s was all that was needed to kill a skinwalker.
Wolf Blitzer used the distraction created by Anatoli brought about by the distraction created by Palkia and Captain America to sneak over to the door leading to the absorption gate. He moved his arms over the door, trying to determine its secrets.
"You won't be able to open that door without the password. I'd know because I designed it." The sixth god general tapped Wolf on the shoulder, catching him by surprise. His face was still covered by his cloak.
"That means that in reality, you're…" Wolf Blitzer reached to pull the sixth God General's cloak off. "Thomas Sowell!" Yes, the sixth God General of Daniel Shaw was Thomas Sowell the prophet. Sowell was the writer of one the Goddermeyer's three holy texts. Books two and three had been lost to history, the only people who knew about them were the reporters at CNN who'd been taught about the qliphoth. They'd documented how the surface of the earth was raised out of the Miasma and how Sowell and the other two authors locked the absorption gates from humanity to keep them safe. "Why would you destroy something you helped to create?" Wolf asked.
"The Goddermeyer has enacted operation Herbert Hoover for far too long. He's been doing nothing and because of it the climate is changing faster than it should. It's causing the Miasma to grow stronger and it will eventually reach the surface. Accelerating the process is the only way to wake him up and force him to solve the problem." Sowell said, quietly.
"Now I want the Goddermeyer to wake up too, all of us do Tom but this is insane. Surely there's a better way, what Shaw's doing is insane." Blitzer said.
"Don't play with me Wolf. I know why you joined the crusaders. You want the intersect's knowledge and would do anything for it." Sowell laughed. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a dark green gemstone.
"I came to reason with Shaw. This can't happen Tom, please." Wolf pleaded and reached for Sowell's arm.
"If that's true where did Shaw get this Pjojewel? Sorry Wolf, this has to happen." Tom thrust his Pjojewel into Wolf's back. Wolf fell unconscious and Thomas slipped back into the main fight.
During their exchange, the other three god generals had matched up with a respective crusader. To a casual observed Dialga and Dio seemed to be teleporting around the battlefield, but they were moving in stopped time landing blow after blow on each other. Palkia was lending Dialga help as much as it could, but it was very difficult for him to do so. Pete Lattimer had used supporting fire from Anatoli to sneak into Steven's bubble shield and since Steven is a twelve year old boy he had no trouble getting him into a headlock. Takumi and Sanji had both put the finishing touches on their dishes and placed a meal ticket into them. Takumi's whole cow of beef transformed from a delicious meal into a hulking cow goliath that stood three stories tall. Sanji's salmon transformed into a pretty good looking salmon man with a hammer and the two beasts fought.
Sowell arrived back in the battle just in time to see Dialga grab his pipe from whatever he was holding his weed pipe with. Using the pipe as a makeshift amplifier powered his roar of time up enough to knock the other nine combatants onto the ground. Thomas Sowell was the first to get up. He noticed the pipe and his jaw fell to the floor.
"Dragon thing, do you know what that is?" Thomas asked, running toward Dialga reaching to grab the pipe it out of his hand.
"It's my lucky weed pipe. I take it with me everywhere I go." Dialga replied confidently.
"You mean to tell me you've been using a Pjojowel to get high?" Thomas said, completely in shock.
TO BE CONTINUED.
