Random Note: Pretty sure this is the angstiest thing I've ever written and it's not even that bad as far as angst goes. Wow. It gets lighter in the next couple of parts, I promise.


Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.
Honestly, I'm not that strong.

- "I'm Not Alright" - Sanctus Real


Roy didn't know what had possessed him to actually listen to Stefan and wait for him at Rhodie's. It wasn't like any of his usual dives- Hell, he would never have set foot in the place if Stefan hadn't asked. It was for people that were below him, as far as he was concerned. He knew it was a favorite place for a few patrolmen to go after work. He couldn't wait for the strange looks he would get walking in there- not just from the cops, but from everyone. He would stick out like a sore thumb. Usually he wouldn't mind, but there were different circumstances this time. He glared up. "You enjoying this, Cole?" He muttered before getting out of the car. He headed inside, and tried not to roll his eyes when exactly what he thought would happen happened- at least ten sets of eyes went to him. He kept his eyes trained just above the floor as he headed for the bar itself, sliding onto the chair closest to the wall.

The bartender approached, not bothering to hide he was sizing up the other man, wondering why a guy in a suit like that came into his bar. "What can I get an upstanding gentleman such as yourself?"

Roy tried not to smirk at 'upstanding.' He leaned back. "You can give me a few minutes before my…" What was Bekowsky? Last he checked, he didn't have people he called friends. Then again, he and Bekowsky never had any issues with each other, so at least that was something. Besides, what would a bartender he would never see again care? "Friend gets here."

"Sure thing, pal." The bartender turned back to his own business.

Roy tried to make himself look busy, fiddling with his jacket or the matchbook inside one of his pockets. When he couldn't stop feeling sets of eyes on him, he glanced over his shoulder, seeing two of the latest recruits to patrol staring at him, muttering to each other. "Hey, Reed, Samuels. You keep staring like that, your eyes'll get stuck!" He called. He relaxed when that got them to look away and come up with new subject matter for their chat. He went back to looking busy for a while until he felt someone tap on his bicep a couple of times.

"Holy shit, you actually showed."

"Bekowsky," Roy greeted.

Stefan slid onto the stool next to him and waved the bartender over. "Hey, can I get a couple of shots of whiskey?"

The bartender nodded, then looked at Roy expectantly.

Roy shrugged. "Bourbon for me. Hell, bring us a bottle of it and a couple of glasses. And give us the expensive stuff, at that. So help you if I find out you gave us expensive shit." He replied.

The bartender blinked at him a couple of times, then looked at Stefan and raised an eyebrow.

Stefan, who had also been staring at Roy, looked back at him and waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it, Lou. I'm afraid my… friend isn't trained to go out in public."

Lou and Roy both snorted, then Lou went to go get the requested drinks.

The two men waited in silence for a while. Once they got their drinks, Stefan hesitantly raised his first as Roy poured his. "To Cole, huh?"

Roy stared at the man's drink for a while, trying not to pull a face. However, he did bring his own glass to the other and grunted a response.

Stefan was never anyone to push a point, so he took the successful toast as a small victory.

Their next drink followed quickly in silence. The silence itself continued on for a few minutes. They both regretted being there alone. For the first time, Roy absolutely hated silence, so he figured he'd be the one to break it. "So if you're gonna stay quiet why the Hell did you bring me here? You had Galloway, or Leary, or Esteban or whatever the Hell his name is…"

"Enrique, and they're just fine on their own- thinking of what today is or not. I for one think that there shouldn't be a person who cared about Cole alone today."

"I cared for him as little as I care for you people, and I was fine last year, so why now?" Roy shot back.

"Because last I checked, not leaving your damn house on the one year anniversary isn't a good thing." Stefan challenged. "Yeah, I know about that. Galloway found out somehow and had a goddamn field day going against you for it." He added when Roy narrowed his eyes."Fine, you wanna hold that against me, then just call this karma."

"Thought people like you didn't believe in karma." Roy replied, taking a swig of his drink.

"Well, that just goes to prove that you should quit assuming things about people so quick." Stefan replied.

Roy curled his upper lip, clenched his fist and took yet another swig, trying not to deck the man.

Stefan rolled his eyes, then poured himself another drink. "Whatever…"

Silence took over again, and they had a few more drinks between them before Roy's set started to affect him. He didn't know what it was- maybe 'the expensive stuff' had a little more alcohol than he assumed, maybe it was the voice in the back of his head that was nagging him about talking that just happened to sound like Cole, maybe it was the fact that someone was finally bothering to actually hear his side of the story, but the sudden urge to speak came over him, and he fell to it. "He saved my life, you know. Three times." He didn't see Stefan look at him with surprise written on his face that he had even bothered talking. "One- he shoved me outta the way of a car coming right at me- probably one of Mickey's goons. Two- kicked my feet out from under me when some son of a bitch was about to shoot me, three… pulled me back before I fell two stories out of one of those damn Elysian Field house's skeletons because I had no idea the one damn door would lead to an unfinished room…" He let out a laugh that came out loud and high, indicating to both of them he was more drunk than either of them thought. "And how do I repay the guy? I throw him under the bus…" He shook his head. "Fuck it. I don't know why I bother denying it. I might as well have been responsible for his death, and I have to live with that."

Stefan was at a loss for words. He gaped like a fish out of water for a moment. He didn't even expect Roy to be a talker when he was, but that just definitely proved him wrong. He didn't even know what to say. He swallowed hard. He wouldn't touch the first issue, but the second he could work with. "You said yourself you didn't make the water level rise. Just keep blaming the water." He sighed. He had taken Cole's side when it came to Roy backstabbing him. Was Cole at fault for cheating on his wife? Yes. But throwing your partner under the bus to cover up one of the many things you were involved in so you'd get off clean? That was much worse. However, with the details Cole had given him on that whole fiasco, Roy's situation was still odd in his book. "And… and Cole told me you warned him to stay away from Elysian-"

"It was a warning from Monroe and those bastards, not me." Roy cut in.

"Cole didn't seem to think so- well, he did with the first, not the second one, anyway. He said you said it twice. He didn't know what to think when you said it the second time."

Roy flinched. "It doesn't change a damn thing. Hell, he still went after it- probably to spite me. He went after it, got involved with that moron Kelso, then that chase…"

Stefan frowned. "You know about that?"

Roy snorted. "You get enough info and hear about who's involved, you basically put things together on your own."

Stefan frowned, then nodded. "Cole called me. Told me to try and stall as many patrolmen as I could with that."

Roy raised his eyebrows. "Half expected you to be in the back clipping the patrol cars that got too close to one of their cars."

Stefan shook his head. "I wish. Who knows what woulda changed if Cole had more back-up."

"Not a damn thing." Roy deadpanned, taking a swig of his drink again.

Stefan narrowed his eyes. "Huh?"

Roy scoffed. "Come on. You really think those two young bloods and the old bat coulda made it that far against all those patrols without some help?"

Realization dawned on Stefan. "You…?" He looked towards the front of the bar, out the window and at Roy's car.

"Didn't use that one, and a lot good it did anyway, huh?" Roy picked up his glass again and moved it in a circle so the contents swished around. "Could've gone with them all the way, but I figured that wouldn't be welcomed."

Stefan frowned again. "But you… I thought…?"

"What? I hated him as much as he hated me back then? Yeah, I did. That didn't mean I didn't trust the crazy bastard, whatever scheme he was trying to pull."

The amount of brainpower it was taking for Stefan to absorb the new information was making him sober up already. He was aware the man could've been bullshitting him- he wouldn't put it past him, but if he wasn't… Hell, was he even really drunk? The man sighed. He'd just have to go along with whatever the man said for now.

Roy shook his head and took another drink. "'S not like it matters now."

Stefan sighed and took the bottle of bourbon and Roy's glass away. "You know what? I think that's enough for you. Lou?"

Lou came over and took both things, seeming quite happy that the mystery man had been cut off, taking pride in seeing Roy try to snatch the things back- but overshooting to the left about four Roy glared the man down, Lou just smiled sarcastically and went about his work.

Stefan got up. He really hated what he was about to do, but whether he liked it or not- Roy was still a cop and therefore a brother. "You know what? You're in no state to drive. I'll call someone to get your car-" He hesitated. He had Viv in mind for that, and he had a feeling Roy would find out somehow, and he highly doubted Roy would be happy that Stefan let a woman drive his car alone. "Or we'll take yours back to my place and I'll call someone to get mine."

"Hell no. I'm not letting anyone drive my car."

Stefan wanted to point out he had let Cole drive, but thought better of it. "Fine then, show me you can. Walk in a straight line from this table to that one." He pointed at a table ten feet away.

"' The fuck do you care, Bekowsky? Why are you bothering all of a sudden?" Roy snapped.

"I thought we established that." Stefan frowned. "Go," He shook his head when Roy went to, then stumbled, catching himself on the bar. "Right. Stay put. I'm gonna go make a call." He turned and headed for the phone as fast as possible, knowing full well Roy probably wasn't going to be staying put long- whether it was falling over or trying to escape didn't matter. He made the call to Vivian, and once she agreed to come, he thanked her, apologized then quickly hung up. Sure enough, when he got back, Roy's spot was vacant. He looked around, and when he didn't see the vice detective, he looked at Lou, who shrugged and pointed at the exit door. "Went that way. Muttered something about that guy Cole you mentioned really loving 'this', then left- well, stumbled out's more like it…" the bartender offered.

Stefan nodded, took his wallet and took out the cash he assumed would cover the drinks. "If it's not enough, just write what I owe you and tell me next time I'm here. Hopefully Earle'll remember to pay me back." He told the other man before heading out the door.

Once he got out, there was a low metallic rattle off to his left. Roy Earle punching a dumpster was not what Stefan expected the cause of the noise to be, but that was, in fact, the case. He sighed and went over to him, pulling back the man's shoulder before he could get in another punch. "Roy, come on. Let's go."

Roy unexpectedly eased up and stumbled back a few steps. "I miss him, Stefan…"

Stefan nodded slowly, wondering just how many things Roy had revealed that evening that Roy would be threatening him to keep quiet or be shot in the morning. He gave Roy's arm another tug. "I do too, Roy. Now come on, let's get you sobered up."