"You're My Crack of Sunlight..."
(I'm Not Dead – P!nk)
There's always cracks
Crack of sunlight
Crack in the mirror
On your lips
It's the morning of a sunset Friday
When our conversations twist
"Hey" I said gently as Santana stirred from where she was sleeping beside me in the bed. Well, half on top of me. She blinked a couple times, her brow furrowing as she looked around my dark room. I'd pulled the blinds on the windows and turned off all the lights. She planted one hand on the opposite side of me to push herself up and look around. Her hair had curled naturally after we made an awkward stumble for the bathroom. I helped her into the bath and helped her wash the make up from her face and the disgusting smell of the club from her skin. I helped her dress at a slow pace, every time she stumbled or lost her balance I assured her it was alright. A white, light cotton shirt covered her torso and my pyjama bottoms, which were far too long/baggy for her, covered her legs. I sat her down on the bed and brushed her hair out with small, carefully strokes. Her hair was a mess, but the water made it easier for the brush to pull through.
She sniffled the entire time.
It's the fifth day of ice on a new tattoo
But the ice should be on our heads
"You ok?" I asked, absent mindedly pushing a stray piece of hair from her face. She smiled drowsily and leaned in towards me, planting a small peck on the corner of my lips. Her eyes drifted closed as she laid her head back down on my shoulder, her breath returning to a deep, even rate as she fell back asleep. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. That kiss felt so right. Being like this with Santana, being so close without it being sexual and without her trying to overpower me was amazing. It felt good. But as soon as Artie popped into my head, I shooed away the urge to turn my head and kiss her smooth skin, to hold her close to me and let myself fall asleep too, even though it was nearly eleven and the sun was up and beaming brightly against the cloth barriers over the window.
We only spun a web to catch ourselves
So we weren't left for dead.
"You actually gonna stay awake this time?" I asked as she stifled a yawn, propping herself up onto one elbow
"I don't think I have a choice at this point, my head feels like my brain's having a rave party."
"Like the one we were in last night?" a weird look slid across her face, dragging all her features into a nauseated expression. She hopped off the bed and made a mad dash to the bathroom, cutting the corner cleanly and switching directions on a dime. The door slammed shut and the sound of her violently emptying the contents of her stomach echoed through my house. "four seconds to get to the bathroom..." I murmured aloud. "Impressive."
And I was never looking for approval
From anyone but you
And thought this journey's over
I'd go back if you asked me to.
I pushed the door open to the bathroom just as she keeled over again, her hands slapping against the toilet seat as her body convulsed. I walked around behind her and kneeled down, pulling her hair back from her face. I gently brushed away the tears from her eyes as she let herself fall back against the tub. "Why can't I stop goddamn crying?" she, well, cried. I smiled slightly and stood up, grabbing a paper cup from the cupboard and dampening a face cloth with warm water.
"I don't think you're drunk anymore..." I murmured, wiping her face with the soft cloth, removing the sweat and tears from her skin. "Here" I said, handing her the cup "rinse and spit" She did as I told her, angrily spitting the water into the toilet and then setting the cup back down beside her.
I'm not dead, just floating
Right between the ink of your tattoo
In the belly of the beast we turned into
"How'd we get here Britt?" She asked quietly, looking over at me with sad dark eyes. I gently brushed her hair to the side with my finger tips.
"I think you were scared." I said just above a whisper "I think the way we got to this point was because you were afraid what it would mean if sleeping with another girl, with me, became more than anything physical. Like if it turned into something emotion."
I'm not scared, just changin'
Right behind the cigarette and the devilish smile
You're my crack of sunlight.
She looked away from me, at the ground in front of her, then to her hands. "So I found Artie and—"
"Don't." She held up her hand and closed her eyes, cutting me off mid-sentence "If you start talk about him I'm going to start crying again and—" her voice wavered and eyes began to water "fuck!" she balled, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hands "I'm such a fucking dork!" I grabbed her wrists gently, trying to stop her before she hurt herself.
"Santana, you're not a dork."
"Then what the hell am I? Only a fucking pussy would cry this much!"
"It makes you human, Santana..."
You can do the math a thousand ways
But you can't erase the facts
That others come and others go
But you always come back
She looked at me and then away. "Want something for your headache?" she nodded, sniffling and trying to hide her face from my view by looking away. I stood up and she was back at the toilet, dry heaving. I sighed and kneeled behind her again, holding her hair away from her face and rubbing her back.
I'm a winter flower underground
I was thirsty for summer rain
And just like the change in seasons
I know you'll be back again.
"Wanna go back to sleep?" I asked her, coming back into the bathroom after leaving to go make her some soup. Her face was pressed against the side of the tub; she looked either half-asleep or half-dead. She nodded her head slight and reached her arms out for me. I couldn't help the small smirk that pushed my lips and I squatted down next to her. Her arms wrapped loosely around my shoulders as I slid my hands under her and pulled up. I carried her to the bedroom.
I'm not dead, just floatin'
Underneath the ink of my tattoo
I've tried to hide my scars from you
I lowered her down carefully onto my bed, slowly resting her head down on the pillow. "Stay" she pleaded, linking her pinkie with mine as I turned away. I looked back at her, her eyes were closed "I don't wanna be afraid anymore."
I'm not scared, just changin'
Right behind the cigarette and the devilish smile
You're my crack of sunlight
I laid down next to her and she moved closer to me, her head resting on my shoulder and her arms draped across my stomach, pulling us flush together. I wrapped the arm she was on around her shoulders. I pushed her hair to the side of her face for what had to be the millionth time in the last two days and wrapped my free arm around her, resting my hand on her shoulder blade. We were facing each other, forehead against forehead now. I thought she was asleep until she spoke. "Go out with me."
I'm not dead just yet!
(I'm not dead I'm just floatin'
Doesn't matter where I'm goin'
I'll find you)
"What?" I asked, opening my eyes to meet hers. She seemed confident, like she knew that whatever I said, she could handle it.
"Please go on a date with me? Nothing like we've done before. We'll go somewhere romantic, candle light dinner, live jazz band—"
"But you hate jazz"
"But you love it." She said, her hands brushing along the strip of exposed skin between my pants and my shirt. "And we don't have to...do anything afterwards. No meaningless sex, no making out just us."
"Just us for one night." I repeated what she said and she nodded "and we'll take it from there."
I'm not scared at all!
(underneath the cuts and bruises
Find a game where no one loses
I'll find you)
I will find you!
I'm not dead just floating
I'm not scared just changing
My hand moved down to her waist and hers came to rest on my forearm. "I love you Britt Britt..."
"I love you too."
You're my crack of sunlight...
