Song: Shelter by Birdy...
CHAPTER 2
Life Without You
Misaki's POV
I got to Nii-chan's place not too long after I left Usagi-san's. My brother, as he always did, welcomed me with open arms… literally. He almost knocked me off my feet as he wrapped me in his arms once he laid eyes on me.
Seriously! I just saw him a week ago. I did miss him, but there was no need for all this.
In reality… the reason I didn't want him to hug me was that when he did was because I felt like bawling my eyes out, and spilling everything that was weighing on my heart to him. I couldn't though… What would he think of me…? Of Usagi-san…? I can't tell him that I love Usagi-san. Or that Usagi-san loves me. loved me… I don't know what he'll do if he finds out. I don't think I even want to know…
I felt so lonely. I just left Usagi-san, but I already felt so much pain and loss. I had Nii-chan and Nee-san fussing over me, yet here I am, feeling so alone… I'm so pathetic…
"Misaki-kun, why didn't you tell me before that you were coming?" Nii-san asked.
"I didn't want to alert you or anything…" I mumbled awkwardly, forcing out a laugh.
My brother's normal grin vanished as a deep frown knitted his brows before he asked, "Misaki-kun, did something happen between you and Usagi?"
My lips parted, but I couldn't speak until he called my name again. I had to push tears back before I replied with a smile that I didn't feel like giving, "I thought that it was time for me to move out. I have stayed there for so long. I don't really want to impose on him anymore. I am thinking of getting my own place, but I need somewhere to stay till then. And who better to stay with then my Nii-chan?" My smile widened as I wanted him to believe me.
I hate lying to him… but he can't know…
"Oh… So you both are still on good terms? Because the last time, after I returned from Osaka, I remember him telling me that you wanted to stay with him, and he had so many things to tell me about it. Like you crying to him about-…"
"NII-CHAN! That didn't happen!" I insisted, making him laugh at my reaction, which wasn't my plan.
But it distracted him… That was good. Because it reminded me of that day, of how he told me that he wanted me to stay with him. I wanted so bad to stay with him. Maybe even for the rest of my life… That won't happen now. That brought tears to my eyes again, ones that were much harder to keep under control.
So I pretended to be upset with him laughing at me as I got up from the seat at the counter in the kitchen. I grabbed my bags and headed to the room my brother told me was mine. "I'll go settle in now…" I said over my shoulder.
"Come on, Ototo, I was joking! I didn't mean to upset you!" Nii-san yelled after me, still chuckling.
"Be nicer to your brother, Darling," I heard Manami say to him. Their voices faded as I closed the door behind me, dropping my luggage on the ground as I leaned against the wooden door.
"Hold it together, Misaki… Don't… c-cry…" I mumbled to myself, failing to follow my words as I already felt the tears starting to spill from my eyes. I placed a hand over my lips to muffle the sob that escaped me. There was no need to worry nii-chan…
I am fine… or at least I will be…
Usagi's POV
I couldn't help myself as I sat on the couch in the living room, reading the note he left me, over and over… and over again…
I thought of going after him, but was that the right thing to do? I was the one that told him that he should move. I can't blame him for my own mistake.
I feel like my life had ended with him not being here and those thoughts didn't make me feel any better.
Will I be able to go on…?
I didn't know what to think… or what to do. I think I still haven't gotten over the initial shock. It still hasn't settled in. I just lost my Misaki…
"Misaki…" His name came as a mumble from between my lips. My mind filled with only thoughts of him.
I'm so stupid. Who in the world pushes away the only person they love with their whole heart? Obviously me…
I hated myself for what I have done. I shouldn't have done it. I'm so worried that it'll be too late now for any sort of reconciling between us.
What should I do…? I thought of calling him, but what if he didn't want to talk to me? I then thought of calling his brother, but thought better of it. He never wanted his brother to know, so I doubt that he'd tell him now. Besides, I wasn't up to answering any questions Takahiro might have.
At that thought, I heard the phone ring. Being the pathetic self I was now, I hurried to it, wishing with everything I had that it was Misaki.
"Misa-…"
"Oh, hello, Usagi," I heard Takahiro's voice from the other end, cutting me off. "Usagi…? Are you there?"
"Oh, yes," was my short, disappointed reply.
"Ahh. Good. I just wanted to assure you that Misaki is here, in case he failed to call you, or tell you that he was leaving." Takahiro said with a small chuckle.
"I am glad that he is safe…" I stopped talking for a moment.
"Umm… Usagi…? Did something happen with you two? Misaki didn't seem like himself when he got here."
"Did… did he say something?" I asked, wondering if he maybe did want to speak.
"No. He just said that he didn't want to trouble you anymore. But I could tell that something else was bothering him. I thought, perhaps you might know…?"
I sighed, my shoulders falling in defeat. This was my fault. He is upset because of my selfishness. "I don't know. Maybe you should ask him?"
"I tried. He didn't want to talk about it. He keeps changing the subject, telling me that he is alright… Ah, sorry, Usagi. I didn't mean to trouble you with this. I'm just worried about him, that's all."
"It's alright. I understand. Let me know how he's doing, alright?" I asked, hoping that I won't be cut off from any news of him.
"Sure. Thank you, Usagi… for taking care of him for so long," he finally said.
"It was the other way around actually," I replied before we both said our goodbyes and hung up. Again, I was left alone with my thoughts.
I had work to do. I should perhaps concentrate on that for now. There was no use going through one loop, only to jump into another with the things that were circling around in my mind. It would drive me insane.
So that's what I did. I went into my office and started working on another novel I was also finishing up. That night when I couldn't sleep, I did the only thing I was able to do: I kept working.
In the morning, Aikawa came by since I had stopped answering the phone when it drove me insane, hoping that it was Misaki only for it to be someone else. She sat on the couch opposite where I did and read through what I handed her.
I was so focused on trying not to think about Misaki, which led me to only think about him. I just opened a new box of cigarettes when Aikawa arrived and now I was smoking the last one, emptying the box from its last toxic stick.
"Sensei, you shouldn't smoke so much…" Aikawa said with a frown as she swatted her hand in front of her, clearing her breathing air from smoke.
She went back to reading when I didn't acknowledge her and kept smoking. Aikawa finally was done and placed the papers on the table before her eyes met mine as she sat up straight while glaring at me.
"Sensei. Forgive my bluntness, but this is shit. The story we discussed doesn't end with all the characters dying! What in the world were you thinking?!" Her voice got louder in the end before she added, "This is unacceptable! Re-write it!"
"No."
"Excuse me?" she said, still glaring at me.
"I said, NO. This is all you are getting. That's how I see the story ending." I somehow ended up with this idea of ending the book this way. I felt like I wanted to do something to take out my frustration on how things ended up with Misaki and I… but couldn't think of a better way.
"No," she said, repeating my simple declaration. "This is not how it is supposed to end."
"It is. There is never a happy ending, so why trick people into thinking so?" I replied simply as I got up and moved into the kitchen to get myself a mug of coffee. "They should realize that sooner than later. I'm just helping them see that."
"Sensei, are you alright?" Aikawa asked worriedly. "Is there something going on with you?"
"No," was my short reply, the same one I used earlier.
"Sensei, I will not accept this yet. Please reconsider. I know what your readers like, and they will not like this. I will leave this with you and extend the deadline, but you must try and work out a better ending then those gruesome deaths you laid out for each of the characters."
"They're not that bad. I only burned one alive, and made the other jump in front of a train, and the girl I-…"
"Exactly!" Aikawa yelled interrupting me, "What in the world made you write that?! And all the bloody details and gore. You might as well write a zombie novel. This was supposed to be a romance/humor novel for crying out loud!" she commented as she went on to bring out some other work for me to choose from for my next work. "If you are having trouble deciding, I will help you come up with an idea of how the book will end."
"Why don't you just write the ending you want and let me go get some sleep?" I replied with boredom.
"Sensei, be serious. We need to fix this ASAP!" she said heatedly, now more serious than a second ago.
I sighed, resigning to just listening to her… more like pretending to as she ranted on and on about the different theories she had of what the ending of the book should be. We finally ended it with her leaving the apartment angrily, threatening me about finishing the book in time and with a perfect ending.
I sighed as I reclined back onto the couch, letting the smoke I inhaled from the bud between my fingers leave my lungs as my eyes trained on the celling.
How could I write a romance novel now when I have screwed up my own love life…? I wondered as I took another drag from the cigarette before I stomped it in the ashtray and lay down on the couch. My mind not once thinking of anything else but Misaki… which made me pull out the crumbled piece of paper from my pocket and hold it in front of me, re-reading Misaki's words, as if doing that would bring him back to me…
How could I have messed up this way? My heart ached as my other hand fumbled with my mobile-phone until it reached Misaki's name on it, but then my cowardice held me back from just pressing that one button on the phone. Just one click and I might have been able to convince him to come back to me… but… I couldn't. My hand dropped to my side as I let go of the device before I closed my eye tightly.
Misaki's POV
I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night long, but I wasn't able to get a peaceful moment as his face hunted me every time I closed my eyes. Oh god, how tempted I was to just run back to him and beg him to not let go of me this easily… but in my heart I felt that it was too late…
It'll get better… I kept telling myself over and over. I will get through this…
My words that were meant to be a form of encouragement did nothing but discourage me. I didn't want it to get better. Being without him wasn't supposed to get better. I wanted to be with him now more than ever, and the realization killed me. Because I knew that I was wrong about everything I did and how I handled the situation.
I should have said it from the start instead of running away from my feelings. But what good is it now? I can't change anything now…
I deserved the pain I felt, and the loneliness. All it would have taken was for me to admit what I felt for him. How he made me feel when he was around, or when he whispered to me with that voice of his… or even the touch of his cold fingers against my heated skin-…
NO! MISAKI! NO! I scolded myself mentally as my mind drifted to old memories. I wouldn't be able to be strong if I kept thinking that way. I want him though… That thought alone made me blush, even though there wasn't a need to, because there was no way for him to know that now.
I wish things had ended on a better note though. I wish the last time I saw him wasn't with that pained face he had on the farris wheel.
Is it wrong of me to miss that arrogant smirk of his?
I wonder if you even thought of me at all since I left... if you miss me…
Again, I ended up scolding myself. Why would he think about me when he was the one that told me that I should leave…?
I bet he is happier now. Maybe even thankful that he finally was able to get rid of me.
The ceiling I was staring at began to blur as my eyes filled with tears, feeling hurt that he was probably glad that I wasn't there anymore.
So much for being strong… I sighed as I turned to my side, curling in a tight ball on the futon I lay on. I pulled the covers over my head… crying myself till exhaustion, at least I was finally able to sleep…
