They Never Trained Me For This
Chapter 2
---nt
Laura didn't like to sleep. The dreams came in her sleep, the dreams of her old school, where she had lived. The lights had never been off; she could turn them off now. But they thought she wanted her own room. She couldn't ask for something. She had to be beyond needing things, she could never ask, she couldn't, that is what they said. She could be issued things, or take them if needed while on the mission, but this wasn't the mission, she wasn't X-23, she was Laura.
She lay awake staring up at the ceiling for the first three nights at the Institute. She didn't toss and turn, she just threw the pillow aside and put her hands behind her head, looking up. Sometimes she closed her eyes, but they would open when she started to nod off. She did math and tactical problems in her head, translated french into english into japanese. She'd grabbed a few naps, but she was conditioned to go without sleep for several days. The fourth night was her limit, as she slipped into dreams.
The dreams.
Memories.
Old missions.
The young girl, she'd been the first. Cheap knife, slashing the throat, left it there. First kill, no other reason, just picked at random.
The three gang bangers. Pistol, at least that first night. Three or four every night for two weeks, guns, knives, a carbomb, mutilating the corpses. She'd thrown someone's head in through a window, that had really gotten things going. The two gangs finished each other off in their little war.
The hacker who needed to go away. The first time with her claws. He'd opened up and spilled out before he could scream. They punished her for vomiting afterwards.
A senator who had a heart attack at such a young age. She'd helped it, something extra in his coffee maker while he slept, in and out around his security system and gaurds.
The old man, fat and sweaty and disgusting. She'd skinned him before his hands had touched more than her shoulders.
She could feel his fingers on her shoulder, his breath on her cheek.
---nt
Laura's lips were pulled back in a silent snarl, sitting up. Instinctively, she punched upward at the target, her claws emerging as her eyes open, scent and the sound of the heartbeat and the feeling of warmth on her skin driving the strike. It should have hit just to the target left of center just above the navel, her claws shredding the heart and lung through the diaphragm- fatal in seconds. The only noise of the attack was the mattress moving, not even her breathing changed.
Kitty squealed, jumping back. She and Rogue had heard their neighbor fighting something in her sleep, mumbling. Kitty had slipped in, frightened to find the young assassin crying in her sleep. The soft, whispered words were... haunting. The toughness was gone, the warrior removed, just a scared, panicked, young person. Kitty had stared for a moment before reaching out to touch the younger girl's shoulder, only realizing at the last minute what a bad move that was. She barely phased out of before being shredded. "Laura. Laura, it's me, Kitty. You're ok, you are safe. They can't hurt you."
Laura was still a minute or two, her hand wrist deep in Kitty's body before the older girl stepped back. Laura just stared at her hands, her claws, like they were someone else's, and at Kitty. At the slashed sheets. The analytical part of her mind knew how Kitty had survived. One one hand, she'd responded properly to a possible attacker according to her training. On the other, anyone else would be very, very dead. She wasn't that person any more. She'd never wanted to be that person. The claws shinked back along her arm bones as the tears started to well in her eyes. She knew she wouldn't be welcome here any more. "I'm.. I'm sorry."
"Sh..." Kitty came closer, not quite touching. "We all have bad dreams, and I'm ok. No chopped up Kitty, see?" Close, but not quite.
Rogue opened the door slowly, sticking her head in. "Is it safe to enter?" She sat on the foot of the bed, careful not to box Laura in-she could still bail left, and have the width of the bed between her and the door if she bolted for the window. "It's going to be ok, trust me."
"But I could have killed Kitty!" That set off a fresh set of tears. They got stronger as she felt Kitty's hand squeeze her shoulder.
"Why do ya' think Ah sent her in first?" Rogue's tone was half serious, half playful. "Can't hit what ain't there."
X-23's eyes were wide and frightened and bewildered as she looked at Rogue. It made her look much younger, almost fragile. "But..." She looked like she wanted to look down, but was afraid to. "Why am I alone?"
"You aren't. Like, we're right here."
"But everyone else sleeps with someone else. I've always slept alone." Laura flinched away from Kitty's touch, retreating into a ball. "Everyone else gets to have friends."
The when the Institute had been rebuilt, they had made it larger, with more bedrooms. For a while, Kitty and Rogue had their own rooms after that first year of being roommates, but as the number of students increased, they'd shared a room again. Even now as faculty, they decided that it was better for everything if they didn't get their own rooms- that had made room for several new students. Most people complained about it at first, but there wasn't much space.
"Wolverine asked if we could find yah a single. He thought yah might want yer space." Even as Rogue spoke, she remembered the few images from the one time they'd touched. The younger girl had been taught to always be on guard, to be ready to defend herself. Had she ever slept well a night in her life? "Must get tiring watching yer back all the time."
Laura nodded silently, biting her lip. She looked scared and miserable. "I'm not allowed to relax. If I did, they'd hit me or shock me."
Kitty's eyebrow twitched angrily. No one should have had to grow up like this, what was HYDRA trying to do? Of course their living weapon would turn on them, people weren't supposed to be like this. She'd lived with Rogue long enough to know where her friend's mind was going. "Maybe you can crash with us tonight?"
"You'd let me do that?"
"Sure. Why not?" Kitty smiled, the one that made you feel warm and cozy and was a little big sisterly.
"You forgive me?" Laura flinched back, not believing it, expecting a trap. "Even after this?"
"Why wouldn't we?" Rogue shoved her hair back. "Ah didn't exactly make the best first impression- Ah zapped Kurt and Storm both. Almost fried 'em all." Blushing, she gave an odd half smile. She reached for Laura, holding her knee through the sheets, knowing that Kitty was ready to grab her if needed. But Rogue didn't think it was needed. "That was before they became mah friends. Mah family. Do yah trust us?"
---nt
In the hallway, Logan debated if he should go in. The past three nights, Laura had joined him on his 0300-ish patrol, coming out of her room as we walked past. He'd been barefoot, stalking through the halls and then out to the grounds for years. She'd even seen things he'd known about and forgotten, security issues that needed new eyes.
He'd seen Rogue slip into Laura's room as he came through the shadows. He could smell the tears. His ears heard
He had assumed she had been waking up. She hadn't said anything other than saying she recognized his smell.
She didn't sleep? She was afraid to sleep? A sick knot twisted in his guts at the thought. He knew most of HYRDA was dead- what Laura hadn't taken care of, he had, or Fury had. He felt his face twisting into a war mask. If he wasn't careful, the hate he was feeling would wake the Professor, and then there would be all kinds of questions he really didn't want to answer.
But he also wanted to talk to the Prof about this. Charles didn't have any more experience at being a father than he did, but he was the shrink. Logan tensed- should he go in and be comforting? He hadn't always been very good at that, but he's seen the normal ration of sprains and breaks and falls and bad dreams that you get with teenagers in a full contact lifestyle. He thought he could handle the idea of Laura crying, of her being scared. But he was scared he'd make a mistake, he wasn't ready for this, this was too much, too scary. And he didn't want Laura to see him angry, she would think he was mad at her for being afraid and scared. No, no, he couldn't let her think that.
Tears of fury ran down his cheeks.
---nt
"Hey, take my hand." Kitty reached out her hands, both to Rogue and to Laura. Rogue grinned at the much shorter girl. "This is so weird, but you'll get used to it."
Nervously, Laura did so, then reached out to the wall with her free hand. She knew the theory behind phasing, even ways to try to block it, but this...
This was kind of neat, watching, feeling her hand slip through the wall. Her lips quirked up a little, as she looked at the others. She yawned, deeply, her head tipping back. It almost felt like her head was splitting in two. When it passed, she shook her head, then stared at Kitty and Rogue yawning. Was it some oddity in her powers that she didn't know about? "I'm sorry, I didn't know I could do that."
Rogue laughed. "Don't worry about it, suga'. Its normal for yawns to be contagious. Now, let's get you tucked in before you fall over." Before I fall over. Rogue knew she was tired- she was focusing on her words as she spoke. She she tightened her grip on Kitty's hand, and stepped through. It would always be weird to her. She gave a tug, pulling Kitty and then Laura through. "All right, you. Your butt, my bed, and sleep."
"Rogue?" Laura was confused.
"Don't worry, Ah'll sleep in the big chair. Done it before." She jerked her chin towards the large, round Papa-san chair by the doors to the balcony. "You sleep in the bed, ok? Lay back, close your eyes."
"Promise me, promise me you won't tell anyone. Please." Laura's fists balled, her wrists bent so her claws couldn't slip out. "I don't want Logan to know, I don't want him to think I'm weak."
"Oh, trust me, he has nightmares to. Not very often, but everyone hears it." Rogue pulled the blankets over the newest member of the Xavier family. "The Professor helped him with them- you should talk with him, it's ok. We do it as a team here, if you can't walk, we carry you so you don't have to crawl. Now go to sleep."
Laura obeyed. She'd never been tucked in before. The chair that Rogue had pointed to meant anyone coming from outside had to trip over her, and Kitty's bed was closest to the door. Kitty even set her desk chair in front of the door. No one would get it without the three of them knowing about it. It wasn't optimal, but it was a good tactical situation. Laura closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then another. She was out before the third one.
Rogue looked at the door, raising her fist slightly, tightening it , tilting her head to one side in a question. Kitty nodded, and slipped through the door. They both had heard the soft sound. She looked around, seeing the turns in the shadows where there should have been straight lines. She crouched down. "Mr Logan? It's alright, she'll stay with us tonight."
He'd heard their conversation. He'd been run through enough times, he was an expert on how that felt. That Laura was afraid he'd think she was weak felt a lot like that. But this time, he was helpless. All he could do right now is act like he hadn't seen or heard anything. If he did anything, he'd make it worse. They are still hurting her. Damn them!
Kitty had been hugged liked this before. Kurt had cried on her shoulder, and Rogue. She'd even hugged Mr. Logan like this. But she never thought she'd be the one getting hugged by him. He didn't say anything, but he didn't need to.
The next morning, Rogue was awake early. She was standing in the hallway, waiting outside of Jean's door when the redhead finally opened it. "Jean, Ah got a favor to ask you, then maybe we can try an' sweet talk the Prof."
Jean's room was one of the largest, having been designed as an instructor's or guest room from the beginning. Same size as Scott's, not to mention Storm, Logan and Hank's. Jean and Scott had suggested once that they might move in together, but the Professor had been unhappy with that idea. He didn't think it would look appropriate- they had a hard enough time keeping the students from sneaking into each other's rooms at night, the instructors shouldn't co-habitate. But it wasn't like everyone didn't know what these two were doing.
There was more than enough room for her and Kitty in one of the larger rooms. The triples were the same size. It would help Laura get better, and Logan would be joining her and Kitty on the lovebird's request this time.
It would even free up space for at four more new students. With ten applications last week, it would be hard for him to say no.
---Author's notes:
Young cubs and pups often need to hear another heartbeat or breathing so they can sleep, knowing that nothing will eat them.
The worst feeling in the world is not being able to make it all better for your kids. It keeps you awake at night, wondering what you did wrong, wishing you could take the pain for them. It really would be easier if the monsters could just be slain and left in a shallow, unmarked grave.
