"I'm just about sick of this shit."
Elissa wiped black blood from her sword, staining yet another of the few clean rags they managed to scrape up from the last thaig they had passed through. The blade caught the light from the lantern sitting on the floor, haphazardly thrown aside when the darkspawn jumped them. It cast a strange, bluish glow on her chainmail.
Spent, she threw herself on the ground with the lantern, releasing the hilt of her sword as she collapsed. Laying on stone was uncomfortable as is, but she was wearing her Warden armor, and as light and thin as it was, it didn't do much to ease the discomfort. Part of the plate over her shoulder dug into the leather underneath, stabbing her. She was too tired to care. She wasn't bleeding, she wasn't dying, but she was damn sure she was exhausted.
Around her, Alistair flopped to the ground as well. He had the intelligence to sit. Leliana collapsed as well, favoring her injured leg. The only one of them that remained standing was their most recent addition, a drink dwarf by the name of Oghren. He seemed more exhilarated than anything. Elissa was glad whatever fire drove that short man didn't drive her enemies. She doubted she would be able to stop the darkspawn if it did; Oghren's thirst for blood was something else.
A bead of sweat rolled down between her eyes, threatening to drip in them, and she swatted at it. Metal scraped her nose. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Leliana looking at her, looking ready to laugh, but Elissa huffed. She ripped off her glove and wiped her face off, panting.
Elissa wasn't sure how long they stayed there. Oghren paced about impatiently, waiting for them to recover. He grumbled to himself all the while about their lack of action. Generous swigs were taken from his flask. She figured he was drunk again, but he had spent the majority of their time together drunk, so it wasn't new. It was irritating and nerve-wracking, but normal. She wondered if he fought better sober, but didn't dare ask. She knew the difference between an alcoholic and a man drinking away his problems.
She swallowed and averted her eyes. She didn't want to think about what she'd been like on the way to Ostagar. She didn't want to think about Ostagar in general, much less what came before it.
"How much longer until we see Orzammar, do you think?" Leliana asked.
Elissa snorted. "Not soon enough."
"We passed through those ruins shortly after setting out," Alistair said. "It shouldn't be long now."
Thank the Maker.
When she felt moderately better, she rolled into her stomach, shoved her arms under her chest, and pushed herself into a sitting position. Her lungs screamed for air. No matter how deeply and slowly she breathed, it felt like her lungs were burning. It took several more minutes of controlled breaths through her nose to feel okay enough to stand. As soon as she did, Alistair got to his feet. Leliana attempted to stand, but her leg gave out, and she crumpled again.
Alistair started forward, but Elissa stopped him. "Go check out what's up ahead. Oghren, keep an eye out behind us for any more unpleasant surprises." The dwarf grunted an affirmative, but Alistair lingered, concerned, as she went to Leliana's side. The bandage wrapped around Leliana's thigh was stained red and over a day old. They had to put off changing and cleaning their wounds as long as possible for fear of running out of supplies, but at this point, Elissa was questioning the sanity of that decision.
She pulled a strip of linen from her pack and set it aside before drawing her dagger. She sliced the cloth off gently, and was immediately greeted by the smell of an infection.
"How bad is it?" Alistair asked.
"I said go scout ahead," Elissa said. "I meant it." He frowned, taken aback, and she sighed. "I'm sorry, Alistair. I just don't want to get ambushed again. Can you go make sure we're safe for the time being?"
He nodded. "I'll be back shortly."
Once she was sure he was gone, she looked back to Leliana. "How's it feel?"
"I'm fine."
Elissa made a face at her as she rummaged around for a poultice. The longer it took, the more frantically she searched. The salves were crucial in keeping them going while they were in the Deep Roads. They saved their water, but they were already out of it. There was no way to clean the deep gash in Leliana's leg without either of them.
"I...have some bad news."
Leliana arched an eyebrow. "Worse news than us being stuck in the Deep Roads?"
"I'm out of poultices."
What little color remained in Leliana's face drained from it. "Oh."
"I'm not losing you," she said flatly. "If I have to carry you back to Orzammar, I will."
She shook her head, red hair falling in her face. Elissa resisted the urge to brush it back. "There's darkspawn everywhere. You aren't going to be able to."
"I'm not leaving you here."
"You don't have much of a choice, I think."
Elissa gulped. She'd already lost her family. She'd lost Duncan, the man who saved her from Howe and his treasonous army. She'd lost the rest of the Wardens at Ostagar. She'd even lost her childhood friend, the King himself.
"I'm not losing you," she repeated. And she meant it. Elissa had lost enough in the last few months, too much. She wasn't sure how she kept hold of her sanity through all the grief she'd experienced.
Since joining them at Lothering, Leliana had become a listening ear, a shoulder to metaphorically cry on—Elissa wasn't going to let any of her companions see her cry—and a good, trusted friend. When Elissa needed to talk, needed words of comfort or wisdom, Leliana was there with them. She never once complained, never once told her she was wrong. After talking to her, she rarely felt better, but she didn't feel so alone, and Elissa refused to lose what little good she had.
"Promise me you won't tell anyone what you're about to see."
Leliana frowned. "What?"
"Promise me," she said, forcefully this time. She was practically begging. This was her deepest secret. It was never shared with anyone outside of her family, and even her own brother, Fergus, didn't know.
"I—"
"Leli, please." Pleading now.
Indecision, confusion, and fear crossed over her face, but eventually, the redhead nodded. "I promise."
Elissa closed her eyes. She rooted around in her head, feeling around for the secret reservoir of power she knew rested within. She prodded gently, reaching, and felt energy flow through her veins as she placed her hand over the wound in Leliana's leg. A bright white light burst from her fingertips as she cast the healing spell, draining what little energy she had left. Once she was finished, her arm fell limply back at her side, and she sat back on her haunches, squeezing her eyes shut.
Her head pounded. She felt her stomach twisting itself in knots. Everything suddenly ached twice as bad as before.
"You're a mage," Leliana breathed. Elissa nodded lamely. Nothing else seemed fitting enough of a response. "Why didn't you tell me?"
She shrugged. "I never told anyone." Her throat felt tight, like she couldn't breathe again, and she sat while Leliana poked and prodded at her leg, surprised. Elissa sat in silence, staring blankly at her friend.
Elissa had thought she'd never use her hidden talent. She had accidentally set some shrubs on fire when she was small, and ever since, her father had stifled any practice she might've received. Her entire life, Elissa had felt like some dirty secret, something that needed hidden, and it was right. If word had spread about Bryce Cousland fathering a mage, the Coastlands would've fallen apart under him. Arls would have started grappling for control with their "pure" bloodlines. Wars could've been waged, and all because Elissa had been born a mage.
Now it didn't matter. Now she was a Grey Warden. No one would care who or what she was so long as she kept her shit together.
Sharing her magic though, it felt wrong. She felt like she had broken a promise to her family.
Leliana extended a hand, placing it on Elissa's knee. Startled, she jumped, recoiling. Leliana didn't flinch whatsoever, just calmly withdrew her hand. "Thank you."
She just nodded. The spell had been simple, something she had worked on at camp when she was on watch duty. It had taken her weeks to be able to cast it so effortlessly. "We should put a bandage on it so Alistair doesn't suspect anything."
"You don't want him to know?"
"I don't want anyone to know," she mumbled.
Leliana shrugged. "If you say so."
After her leg was wrapped securely, Elissa got to her feet. She returned her sword to its scabbard on her hip and strapped her shield to her forearm. Both weapons made her feel better; they were normal. Being good with a sword was normal. Stabbing someone wasn't as frowned upon as setting someone on fire.
Oghren came wandering back by the time the pair was ready to move on. Elissa refused to look at Leliana, though she could feel her pair of blue eyes following her wherever she went. The dwarf fell in behind them and she picked up the lantern before continuing onward, seeking her fellow Warden.
They found Alistair only a few hundred feet ahead, already on his way back to them. His armor caught the light from the lantern in a spectacular way. It wasn't the first time Elissa had silently marveled at the craftsmanship of the Wardens' blacksmiths. It wasn't the first time she felt out of place in the armor they had likely crafted for someone else, either. Both suits had been found in Ostagar when they had returned, tucked away safely in the Wardens' part of the camp. She'd gladly given Alistair the heavier of the two sets; she preferred leather to plate mail anyway, though she suspected her armor was meant for a mage more than an archer.
He fell behind to walk with Leliana. He was checking on her, being the same kind man he always was, but Elissa prayed he'd shut up. He might not be the smartest person she knew, but by no means did that mean Alistair was stupid. He was just extremely naive.
Thankfully, however, Leliana didn't mention Elissa's use of magic, or how poor of a condition she'd been in when they stopped. She downplayed it greatly. When their eyes met, Elissa just looked away, feeling guilty for fearing Leliana would give her away despite how averted to it she had been. The Maker had blessed her with such a good friend, and had blessed her with the only way to save her.
Blessed, Elissa balked. That was the first time she'd ever thought of her magic as a blessing. It felt...odd to think of it in a positive light.
But perhaps it was time she did. Deep down, Elissa knew she wouldn't be able to keep it a secret forever. Magic was too powerful to be able to continue to avoid it, and eventually she would need to learn how to use it.
As they walked, she tried to rationalize it to herself. Magic was a dangerous weapon. Very little could stop a spell once it had been cast. That's what made Templars so useful; they were among the few who could put mages down when necessary, and even then, it was a long shot. Elissa had heard stories of apostates slaughtering Templars like it was nothing. She had also heard stories of Templars cutting down mages, guilty or not.
It was too great a tool to hold back. A well-trained mage alone could make a difference against a darkspawn raiding party. She could only imagine what a battalion of mages could do to an army of the creatures.
And what if she allowed herself to release her own power? How wrong could it be now, when she was safe from persecution? How wrong could it be if she was trying to stop the Blight?
Elissa squared her shoulders. She was a mage. There was no question of it. That was what she was now. She could use magic, and there was no reason not to. It had saved Leliana. It could save them countless times in the future. All she had to do was learn.
She swore, to herself and all the people the Blight had already claimed, that she would try.
