An Explosive Mixture

Harry stared at Luna, horrified that someone had discovered his secret shame. Well, secret except for Voldemort knowing about it and truthfully Voldemort looked too disturbed to share it with anyone.

"It's not your fault and I have a cure," Luna said firmly, shutting the door behind her.

"I'm having dreams about my Mum, imitating a shop vac and it's not my fault," Harry questioned, not quite ready to let go of the guilt he was wallowing in.

"You were slipped a potion that causes you to have sexual dreams about a certain witch, unfortunately she bares a certain resemblance to your mother and the witch in question didn't know about your nightmares, so she had no way of knowing that they'd blend together the way they did."

"So, it's not my fault," Harry repeated, a bit of hope that he wasn't a complete pervert apparent.

Luna nodded, "The fact that she's imitating a shop vac is your fault, but not that she's there in a sex scene."

"So, why..." Harry began, wondering exactly hot to phrase the question in the forefront of his mind and surprised that Luna knew what a shop vac was.

Luna sighed, "I figure it's a bit of turnabout. As a baby you spend a large amount of time sucking on her breasts for sustenance, so of course it's only fair that now she's sucking on your..."

Harry quickly interrupted Luna before she could continue, "So, I'm not a complete pervert."

"Oh, Harry," Luna sat next to him on the bed and caressed his cheek gently. "Of course you are."

"What?"

"You're a teenage male, if you weren't a complete pervert there would be something wrong with you. The average teenage male thinks about sex every nineteen seconds on average, so while we've been sitting here talking you should have been thinking about having sex with me at least five times by my count," Luna said firmly.

"But... I... Wouldn't..." Harry stuttered out, feeling really uncomfortable with Luna's blunt honesty.

Luna's hand dropped down to Harry's lap and grabbed something near and dear to him in a light grip that hinted that it could get a lot tighter if he said the wrong thing. "I said, you should have thought of having sex with me at least five times, right?"

Harry suddenly realized he was a seer, because he could see a lot of pain in his future if he didn't answer Luna's question with the answer she wanted to hear. "Seven times and I tried to peak down your blouse twice." For once he was glad that his traitorous organ had a mind of its own as it began to respond to Luna's grip despite his own fear.

Luna released her hostage, after giving him a light squeeze and was suddenly the picture of a demure young maiden, as she blushed and looked away from him. "Oh, Harry, you say the sweetest things."

Harry just gave a terrified smile and tried to think of a way to change the subject. "So, who slipped me the potion?"

"Ginny. She thought it would help you get rid of your nightmares. It's the wizarding world's version of a love letter with the added bonus that no one else gets to read it."

"It worked," Harry said flatly, shifting uncomfortably as the baggy pants he was forced to wear began to look like the clown's were raising the bigtop for the night's performance at the circus.

Luna smiled happily. She'd been a bit worried that Harry was gay, considering him and Draco argued like Hermione and Ron, but it was clear to her that Harry had simply responded to Draco the way he had because he looked so feminine and Harry had no better female companionship available. Well she'd fix that and she'd fix Draco too if he didn't stop flirting with her Harry!

"The only good part about this is that when Voldemort tried to enter my mind, using the link through my scar while I slept, he got nauseous and left. The dreams about having sex with Mum... err Ginny are slightly less sickening then the ones with Voldemort taunting me. Well, now that I know it's not my Mum anyway."

"Well, I suppose we can fix that by training you in Occlumency," Luna assured him, giving him what she considered a comforting pat.

"What's Occlumency," He replied, trying to distract himself from Luna's suddenly enticing hands.

"It's the mental art that was developed to protect from Legilimency,"

"What's Legilimency?"

"It's the magic used to enter another's mind. Legilimency is the sword and Occlumency is the shield. It's not much talked about these days, but it was quite popular before the books on it were declared restricted by the Ministry," Luna gave him another comforting pat that had him biting his lip.

"S-s-so, if I learn Occlumency I c-c-can keep Voldemort out of my head," Harry asked, running through Quidditch plays in his head.

"Oh, yes. It's also useful for other things."

"Like what?"

"It allows you to think in many directions at the same time, of course the books say that's a bit dangerous, as you tend to lose track of reality if you split your thoughts into more than three directions," Luna said, scoffing at the silly idea that expanding your mind was dangerous.

"How many thoughts do you have running through your head," he asked, a bit fearful of the answer.

"Forty-Two," Luna said proudly.

"Wow," Harry said, so awed that the clowns actually began to cancel tonight's show and take down the bigtop.

"The first step of Occlumency is to clear your mind. Fortunately for you, I know how to cast the Bobbing Head charm wandlessly, so it doesn't set off the ministry's magic detectors," Luna said, smiling widely.

"Don't you mean, the Bubble Head charm," he questioned, remembering how he'd run across it after he'd passed the second task in the Triwizard tournament and wondered why he hadn't heard about such a simple and useful spell before that, when now it seemed that they taught it in the first year.

Luna laughed, "The Bubble Head charm simply keeps a bubble of fresh air around your head, while the Bobbing Head charm allows you to breathe through your skin. Now close your eyes and relax and I'll help you clear your mind."

Harry chuckled at Luna's infectious laughter and did as she asked, feeling a lot more relaxed, now that he knew he wasn't dreaming of doing his Mum because he was weird, it was just a potion's accident and relieved that he was no longer showing any embarrassing reaction's to Luna's presence. She was a good kind of strange he decided.

Luna smiled and tapped herself on the head, causing a shimmer of light to cascade down her skin. "Now just relax and keep your eyes closed and I'll help you clear your mind of any distracting thoughts," she said with a smile.

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Xenophilius Lovegood paused in the middle of writing his latest article about his latest hunt for the Crumpled-Horned Snorkacks, commonly known as Jackson's Chameleons to the muggles, as his Father-Sense started tingling. He dismissed it as a false alarm, since his lovely and virginal daughter had vowed on her magic that she wouldn't have any physical relationship with any boys until she was thirty-five or they had survived all three unforgivables. She had gotten his vow in return that he wouldn't interfere in her relationships, but since he wouldn't have to worry about her for another twenty years he thought it was a great idea.

Smiling merrily he went back to writing about an animal that the magical world thought was completely made up, since it absorbed any nearby magic to make itself invisible to mages, with nary a thought about his precocious daughter, who he was sure was perfectly fine, even if she had mastered all the spells her mother had invented after she was married to keep things interesting.

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Luna skipped out of the Dursley's with a large stick of pink cotton candy, while humming Entrance of the Gladiators, the traditional song used to open the circus bigtop for the main event.

Mr. Wesley was quite surprised when Luna came out, he'd figured it take at least an hour to calm the poor boy down after explaining things to him and another two to get him to take a potion with Luna's hair in it, regardless of where she had plucked it from, but Luna was in and out in a little over an hour and seemed quite happy, so things must have gone well.

AN: I've heard of sanity, but I've never had much truck with it. Too many crazy people practice it for my tastes!