Les Miserables

By Victor Hugo

Jean Valjean: I'm a convict on the run from the law, trying to escape my reputation. 'Cept I don't really know what reputation that is, seeing as I only stole a freakin' loaf of BREAD, and I do so much good throughout the course of the novel! Geez.

Javert: I'm the obsessed constable who is always on Valjean's tail throughout the book. Basically, my life has one purpose: To catch Valjean. I drown myself in the River Seine near the end of the book after realizing my life has been a big waste.

Fantine: I have an illegitimate love child that I leave with the Thenardiers. I get fired from my job at Valjean's factory because some bee-yotch has it in for me. Then I become a prostitute. Then I die.

M. & Mme. Thenardier: We're mean. And dishonest. Not to mention abusive towards children. Except for our own children, of course. We spoil them rotten.

Little Eponine/Little Azelma: We're brats!

Cosette: Well, my life is one big cushy barrel of fun! After Valjean rescues me from the Thenardiers and adopts me, that is. And after I grow up and get really pretty and fall in love with Marius.

Marius: I love Cosette. That's pretty much it.

Eponine: In an ironic twist of fate, my family is now poor and desperate, and I am a shadow of the pretty girl I once was. I have a junior-high style crush on Marius, and that's pretty much my entire purpose. I take a bullet for him and die.

Enjolras: I lead all the idealistic young students to Revolution. We all die.

Marius: Except me!

Everyone: So, basically, our lives all somehow suck and we all die.

Marius, Cosette, M. Thenardier: Except us! We die later, of natural causes. Probably.

THE END