Previously;

"I don't know but... but.. I... I.. hope and dream he will come back to me." I said almost chocking on my own tears.

"Ziva." He said taking my hand in his.

"We have two children that are five and four that may never see their dad again." I said and abruptly stood up as my sobs got louder and the tears came flowing down my cheeks.

I ran out of the restaurant hearing Josh call after me but I had to get away from here I needed to get home. Home to my family. Home to the safety. But sadly not home to Tony.

Because home is where the heart is and my heart is and belong to Tony. Forever and Ever.


*

Chapter 1 – Running

I ran and ran not caring about that it was 2200 hours in late November and I was running with out a jacket, dressed in a black dress and in high heels while snow was laying on the ground because all I had in my head was that I needed to get home.

The tears and sobs was gone and was replaced by a hiccup and my heart racing like a mad man in my chest.

A car drove up in front of me stopping me from running and I knew who it was before he stepped out.

"Ziver?" Gibbs said as he came against me, the look on his face filled with pity and sadness.

"Why isn't he here Gibbs? Why?" I yelled dropping to my knees not caring that the wet and cold mess called snow soaked my dress.

"Oh Ziva." He said as he wrapped a blanket around me and picked me up and I knew he would notice that I lost weight but I didn't care.

I felt him walk to the car and open the back door and laying me in the back seat and covering me with another blanket.


The room I woke up in was well known to me it was Abby and Tim's guest room and I had spent the third to fifth months after Tony's disappearance in this room with Stella and Jacob as I almost destroyed myself if being left alone and now I was back to square one after three good months where I had started to live again.

I slowly got up from bed slipping my feet in a pair of wool slippers and putting a pair of Tony's OSU sweatpants, that once smelled like him, over my PJ shorts and a big OSU Sweatshirt over my sport/sleeping bra.


As I slowly made my way in to the kitchen I was met by a very cute but messy view all the kids, William, Samuel, Stella and Jacob, was eating pancakes with syrup and Abby was trying to get them to use their knife and fork while McGee stood for the making of pancakes.

"Mommy!" Stella squealed as she saw me making me smile as she and her brother was the joy and happiness in life keeping me sane.

"Good morning. Stella star." I said walking over and giving her a kiss on the nose.

"Mommy look." Jacob said giggling as he showed me his messy face and hands.

"Oh my." I said faking a shocked and surprised face. "Your one messy little boy Jacob." I said giving him a kiss on top of his hair.

"No I am Jacob. Jacob DiNozzo." He said grinning just like his father and that made my heart ache.

"Good Morning Ziva." Abby said smiling.

"Good Morning Ziva." Tim said flipping a pancake up in the air making all the kids say Ooooo.

"Good Morning McGee's" I said with a smile as I had the best friends in the whole world.

I slowly sat down but I felt the adults stares but what surprised me was Stella's eyes locked on me filled with concern and that made me feel guilty as my five year old daughter wouldn't have to look after me because it was me who would look after her.

"Mommy are you sad?" She asked tucking her hair behind her ears looking a lot older than her five.

"No." I said smiling. "Mommy is very happy to be here and mommy loves you all." I said wiping away a stubborn tear that had made it way down my cheek.

"I love you to mommy and I know daddy loves you to." She said giving me a huge and proud smile.

"You want some pancakes?" McGee asked me and brought me back from the sad thoughts.

"Yes please." I said with a smile.

"Grandpa Gibbs and Great Grandpa Ducky is coming over for dinner at 1900 today." Abby said with a smile.

"Yay!" All the kids yelled while jumping up and down in their chairs.

"I can make the food." I said with a smile.

"We are going to do it together because we are going to do a three course dinner." Abby said making my mouth hang open.

"Whats the occasion?" I asked still confused.

"We just wanted to do something nice for the child sitters as we meaning you and me will go to a spa while Timmy will help Gibbs and Ducky." Abby said grinning.

"We are going to a spa?" I said not knowing how to feel.

"Yes so we can have a little quality time and talk." Abby said.

And I didn't know what to do or respond so I just ate my breakfast.


We arrived at the Spa Hotel where we would stay from today to Monday morning making it two nights and now we sat in our room eating fruit and drinking red wine just relaxing as the clock showed 2200.

"I am destroying my children's life." I said looking down at my still full wine glass.

"Thats not true Ziva." Abby said and I could see her looking at me from the corner of my eye.

"Yes it is." I said angry at myself as I knew how true it was. "Tony would not like me to be this way. He would have forced me to go see a therapist and he would make me feel whole again." I said feeling the tears in my eyes slowly fall.

"Well then do it make Tony proud and start live again for Stella, Jacob, us others, for Tony and mostly for your own sake." Abby said taking my hand in hers. "And you know he will always be with you in your heart." Abby said with a smile.

"I will start to live, I will start to go on but I will never forget him because he is my one true love. Forever and Ever." I said holding on to the ring in my necklace.

"And we will fatten you up a bit because I heard from a little bird that he felt like he wacarrying a feather." Abby said smiling.

That made me blush a little because I felt ashamed I knew that I only weighed 45 kilos (99lb) and that was not healthy for a 36 year old woman who usually was very healthy and ate what she wanted and when she wanted usually I weighed around 65-70 kilos (140-150lb) or atleast I weighed that after I got Jacob and to the day Tiny went missing.

From that day, November 23rd 2018, and forward I started to live again, for the first time in almost a year I felt happy and everything started to return to normal until we started to get closer to what would be Tony's 51st birthday that was July 19th 2019.


July 18th 2019, Washington DC, USA –

It was just another slow day at work and we hadn't been out in the field in a week so when three FBI agents, with Agent Fornell in the lead, showed up at NCIS and went directly up to Gibbs office me, Tim, Abby, Palmer and Ducky got very curious and all of gathered in Abby's lab.

"So what do you think thats about?" Abby asked looking a little worried.

"I have no idea." McGee said looking confused.

"Well I have not heard anything from my friend Dr. Lane working at FBI." Ducky said.

"It was very long time since I saw Fornell." I said almost not even remembering when I saw him last time.

"I may know something." Jimmy Palmer said nervously.

"Shoot" Abby ordered.

"Well just a few weeks before um eh um Tony went missing a FBI undercover agent went missing along with two civilians and well a week ago I heard from a friend working at FBI that one of the civilians came back just like nothing had ever happened and all he remembered was the two good guys with guns named James and Carson." Palmer said hurriedly as we all glared at him. "FBI believes the two good guys are cops and that one of them is their missing FBI agent." Palmer said just as Gibbs stepped in followed by Fornell and the two FBI agents.