Disclaimer: All recognizable characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Any other copyrighted or trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owners, all other content belongs to me. No copyright infringement is intended. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization.
Chapter 1
Six months earlier...January 2008
"Bella?"
My assistant's voice came through the speaker of my phone.
"Yes, Seth?"
"Edward is on line one."
I could hear the frustration in his voice. His interactions with Edward were always brief and usually ended with Seth feeling slighted.
"Thanks." I reached over to pick up the receiver and pressed the flashing button to connect me to Edward. "Hello?"
"Bella." His voice sounded hurried.
"Yes?" I rolled my eyes. Why could he never return a greeting?
"I just wanted to let you know that I won't be home. A donor was found for one of our heart/lung patients, and I'm assisting in the harvesting. I'm flying to Texas in the next few minutes and will be in on the transplant once we get back."
"Oh, OK. Well, good luck?" I never knew what to say at times like these. I knew what an opportunity this was for Edward, but some poor family just lost a loved one. I only ever heard the clinical nature of the situation in Edward's voice, never any emotion.
"I need to go; the plane is waiting for me."
And with that he ended the call. I sighed and replaced the receiver.
I spun around in my office chair and stared out over the darkening Chicago skyline. As I twisted my wedding rings around my finger, I swallowed back the thought that I had never felt so alone in my life. A light knock on the door made me turn to see Seth poking his head in.
"Good night, Bella. Have a good weekend, OK?"
"You too, Seth."
"Don't stay too late. Go do something fun." His gentle smile saddened me. I knew he meant it with kindness, but it made my lack of plans that much more poignant, and I had only myself to blame.
"Go on, get out of here. Enjoy the fact that you actually have a life," I joked. Humor was my last layer of defense and one I had been employing more frequently as of late.
I ended up working a few more hours and packed up my things when I heard the cleaning crew come to our end of the floor. There was no need for me to be in their way, so I bid them a silent goodnight with a nod and made my way to the bank of elevators. Exhaustion settled in as I rode to the ground floor. I walked across the deserted lobby and waved to the security guard at the desk as I exited to the sparsely populated Michigan Avenue sidewalk. The wind from the lake was cold as it quickly worked its way to my bones, making me clutch my heavy wool coat closer around me. I walked the five blocks to our building and made it up to our condo without having to speak to a single soul. I didn't bother turning on any lights as I made my way to the master bedroom, dropping my coat and bag onto the chaise and quickly stripping down to my bare skin. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into the giant bed and sleep, and that is exactly what I did.
When I woke up Saturday, I was alone, but this was not a new experience for me. I woke up alone far more often than I woke up with Edward, and to be honest, I preferred it this way. I swung my feet over the bed and onto the floor and dragged myself to the bathroom where my robe was waiting for me on the warming rack, just like it was every day. I often thought about hiding it somewhere to see if Olga would find it. Something tells me she would and that it would be waiting for me on its hook the next morning. I washed the day-old makeup off my face and pressed the button to turn the shower on to my setting. I wasted little time in the shower, pulled on some yoga pants and a tank top, and threw my long, damp hair up in a clip.
I padded barefoot through my giant, empty home. Home. That word no longer held a warm connotation. We had lived here for six years, and I still felt like I was a visitor. I never understood why two people would need a six thousand square foot condo, but I guess when your last name was Cullen, living on the top floor of The Fordham was to be expected.
I just never expected I would be a Cullen.
August 1995
"Well, Bells, I guess this is it."
I nodded my head and bit my bottom lip as I looked up into my father's eyes.
"I guess so. Thanks again for driving me, Dad."
"Sure, kid. I had fun," he said, shuffling from foot to foot. "Well, I better head out."
I walked up to Charlie and threw my arms around him. We weren't big on physical affection, but I knew I wouldn't see him for almost a year as I would be going to Florida for Christmas with my mom and her husband, Phil. Charlie wrapped his strong arms around me, and I felt him place a small kiss on the top of my head.
"I'm proud of you, Isabella," he whispered into my hair.
I blinked back tears. I knew he was proud of the scholarship I had received to the University of Wisconsin but hearing it made all the difference.
"Thanks, Dad. I love you."
I heard him sniff back some tears of his own as he pulled away and ruffled my hair.
"Stay focused, OK? Remember the pepper spray. Call me if you need more."
I let out a small chuckle. Always the cop.
"Sure, Dad. I will."
He climbed into his truck and gave me a wink as he pulled away from the curb. I turned around to look at my giant stone dorm and watched the other parents who were busy dropping off their own daughters. One of the things Charlie had insisted on was that I stay in an all-female dorm, so my home for the next year was to be Elizabeth Waters Hall. I made my way up to my 2nd floor room and sat to wait for my roommate, Rosalie Hale. I had received a notice from the school with her name and address and had written her a letter, but I never heard back from her. I really wanted to start unpacking, but I didn't want to choose the side of the room Rosalie might want and have our relationship start with her hating me. I sat on one of the wooden desk chairs, pulled out my Walkman, and pressed play to let Better Than Ezra ease my nerves. I must have laid my head down on the desk and fallen asleep, because I woke up to a tap on my shoulder and a pool of drool on the desk. I turned to see a statuesque blonde staring down at me with a smirk plastered on her face. God, kill me now.
Sitting up, I pulled my headphones off and smiled meekly at the glamazon.
"Hi, you must be Rosalie." I yawned and quickly covered my mouth in utter embarrassment.
"I am and that makes you Isabella, right?"
"Just Bella." I nodded and tried in vain to think of something else to say. Can you say awkward? "Um, sorry for falling asleep. We had a long drive and..."
"Why didn't you lay down on a bed?"
"Sorry?"
"Don't you usually sleep in a bed?" She arched an eyebrow in my direction.
"Um, well...ye..yes, but I didn't want to pick a side until, um, you got here."
I watched as her face took on a puzzled look. "You waited for me?"
"Mm-hmm. I just thought you might want a particular side, and I didn't want to, uh, take it."
"Hmm...well, thanks. That was really nice of you, Bella."
I couldn't stop the blush that spread up my neck and across my cheeks.
"Well, in that case, I'll take the bed by the window. It will make Emmett sneaking in here so much easier." She walked over and sat down on it, bouncing gently up and down.
"Emmett?"
"Yeah, my boyfriend. He's a sophomore here. He's living in The Lodge this year, but there's no way I'm staying the night with those tools. He's just going to have to scale his way into The Vault. You don't mind, do you?"
"Um, if your boyfriend stays here overnight? Uh...I guess not, I mean, um..."
Rosalie let out a laugh. "Don't worry, Bella. It won't be all the time, and I promise we won't— you know— with you here."
I felt the damn blush come back as I pondered something Rosalie said. "What's 'The Vault?'"
"This is. Liz Waters is totally called 'The Virgin Vault.' It's been that way forever, but Jones women have always stayed here their freshman year, so...here I am."
"I thought your last name was Hale?"
"Oh, it is, but my mom's family has gone here for generations, just like my dad's, so yeah, I'm a double legacy. So is Emmett and his brother, Edward. Edward is a freshman this year, too. Actually that's how our moms met. Esme, their mom, was my mom's freshman dorm mate and then sister at A Chi O, which I'm rushing. Are you rushing?"
"Um, you mean a sorority? Oh, no...I don't think I'm the sorority type."
"Sorority type?"
I could hear the confrontational tone in her voice.
"Oh, no, no, I only meant, um, I'm a nobody. Who'd want me?"
She focused her violet eyes on me, and it felt like she was looking into my soul. "You're not a 'nobody.'"
I lowered my eyes and heard her get up and walk to the closet.
"God, these things are so small. Yikes. Hey, let's unpack and then go get something to eat. We can walk over to Memorial Union."
"Um, don't you want to see your boyfriend?"
"Oh, he'll find me," she said with a dismissive wave as she began to unpack her bags upon bags of clothes.
I could tell Rosalie had never had to chase a boy in her life. I'm sure this Emmett was as captivated by her as I was.
It only took me a few minutes to put away my meager belongings and try to convince Rosalie a shopping trip for more clothes was not necessary. We walked toward Memorial Union, and I took in the beauty of the Madison campus. The old brick buildings, the large lawns with students laying in the sun or throwing a football— it was the college environment I had always envisioned. Rosalie led us into the MU and down to Der Rathskeller with an expertise that alluded to familiarity. I could smell the food, and my stomach rumbled with a hunger I hadn't realized I possessed.
We grabbed our food and headed out to the terrace overlooking Lake Mendota to eat. We talked about our backgrounds, and I was surprised to find that Rosalie seemed truly interested in what I had to say. I didn't have any idea why someone of her beauty and obvious breeding would want anything to do with someone like me, but I was happy that we seemed to be getting along well enough to be roommates. Just as I was telling her about Forks, a booming voice startled me.
"ROSIE!"
I whipped around to see one of the largest human beings I had ever seen in person. A blur of shining blue eyes and a mop of curly brown hair swept Rosalie up in his arms and kissed her passionately, and I felt my ever-present blush climb up my neck and cover my cheeks at their display.
"I missed you, babe," he breathed when their lips parted.
"It's only been a few hours, you big doofus." She laughed and gave him a smack on his chest. "Now put me down and meet my roommate, Bella Swan."
He kept his arms wrapped tightly around her and turned to look at me. His face broke into an amazing dimpled grin.
"Bella!" He let go of Rose and then pulled me up out of my seat to wrap me in a bear hug. "Good to meet ya."
As I struggled for breath, I saw Rosalie give Emmett a whack on the back of the head.
"Let her go, you fool, and sit down. Lord, you act like you've never met someone before."
"Well I've never met your first college roommate before, Rosie, so I'm a little excited. Maybe you and Bella will be like mom and Lillian."
Rosalie looked at me quickly and gave me a brief smile. "Maybe. So," she sighed, "where's Wonder-Boy?"
"He called like a half hour ago saying he was leaving the house."
Rosalie rolled her eyes and gave a small snort. She caught my eye and could see I had no idea what they were talking about.
"Sorry, Bella. Emmett's brother has decided that staying on campus is beneath him and is going to live at their parents' lake house in Monona. God forbid he be bothered with normality of dorm life."
"Aw, Rosie, give the kid a break. You know this is how he's always been. He's a good guy, Bella, he's just a loner. Speaking of..."
I looked up to see Emmett waving his arms above his head. I turned to see who he was motioning to, and I felt all the air leave my body as my eyes took in the most beautiful pair of green eyes I had ever seen in my life.
A wasted Saturday afternoon turned into a wasted Saturday night, and I still hadn't heard from Edward. I made myself a small salad for dinner and picked at it as I flipped through countless TV channels, not finding a single thing to watch. I thought about calling Rosalie to see if she had plans, but I would be seeing them tomorrow for dinner, the same with Alice, and besides, I figured they were enjoying a Saturday night with their husbands. I felt the bitterness creep back into my heart. I honestly didn't remember the last Saturday night that Edward and I had just enjoyed each other's company. Whenever we went out now it was always to some Union League event or something to do with the hospital.
I let out a deep sigh and walked to the bar in the next room. It was fully stocked with only the finest liquors, but I went to the wine fridge to pull out a bottle of my favorite Pinot Grigio. I poured a glass, placed the bottle in an ice bucket, and headed to my bathroom to start a bath. No matter how much I resented this damn condo, I did love my giant whirlpool bathtub. It could fit two adults easily, something Edward and I used to take great advantage of, but now I was the only one who enjoyed the amenity. Walking back into the bedroom, I turned on the stereo system and queued up the playlist I had created for relaxing. Madeline Peyroux's silky voice filled the room as I settled into the steaming, swirling water, resting my head on the padded edge. I let the wine take me back to my earlier memories.
All of the air around me seemed to disappear as he walked toward our table. The sun was shining on his mop of bronze hair, and I was mesmerized by the gold, red, and brown highlights. He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life. I vaguely heard voices around me, but I couldn't do anything other than stare at him as he came to our table and pulled out a chair. He poured his long frame into one of them and grabbed a fry from Rosalie's tray. I saw her slap his hand and gesture toward me. I was still staring.
"Bella? Bella..."
"Huh? Oh...um, yeah, sorry...I..." I was mortified. I'm sure this model gorgeous boy had girls drooling over him all the time, and here I was, some nobody from Forks, Washington, stunned stupid.
"Bella, this is Edward Cullen. Edward, this is my roommate, Bella Swan." Rosalie hid a smirk as she introduced us, obviously understanding the reason for my earlier idiocy.
"H..hi," I stammered. God, he was beautiful.
He looked at me for the first time and the light that seemed to glow from his eyes dimmed as his brows knit together. Several silent moments passed as he stared at me before he hurriedly rose from his chair.
"Yeah, hi. Um, I gotta go. I'll see you tonight at The Lodge, Em."
With that he turned and fled the table. I was stunned. I couldn't believe I offended him so badly he needed to leave. I was humiliated.
"I'm sorry. I don't know...um, I didn't mean..."
"Don't worry about it, kid. Edward has always marched to the beat of his own drummer," Emmett laughed.
"Yeah, Bella. Who knows what crawled up his butt this time. It's hard to keep up with what goes on in that brain of his."
We finished up our lunch, and I tried to forget what had happened with Edward, but that was hard to do. There was something about him that was so captivating. Emmett and Rosalie were making plans to meet at Emmett's fraternity house for a party when they both turned to me with questioning eyes.
"What?" I asked, confused.
"You're coming with Rosie tonight, right Bella-boo?"
I chuckled at Emmett's comfortable style, but I didn't think a fraternity party my first night on campus was really what Charlie had in mind for me.
"Oh, no. You two have fun. I'll just finish getting unpacked and will read a book or something."
"She's coming. We'll see you around nine o'clock, babe."
Rosalie's statement left little room for argument, and I could tell she was not accustomed to being told no.
"Awesome! It will be cool, Jelly Belly. You'll see. OK, beautiful ladies. I'm off to go help set up for this shindig. Catch you later, Rosie baby." Emmett grabbed her into a huge bear hug and kissed her passionately. Rose giggled and playfully slapped at his back, but you could tell she adored the attention from him.
Emmett donned his beat up cap with a red "W" on it and waved as he jogged away.
"Come on, Bella. We have a party to get ready for, and I'll need some time to work on you."
Her statement took me by surprise as I was sure my face registered. Laughing, she grabbed my hand and dragged me back to our room.
What seemed like hours later, we left our dorm for the walk to The Lodge. The only thing I was wearing that was mine was my bra and underwear. Rosalie officially announced my wardrobe unsuitable for socializing and the jury was still out on whether it was usable for class. I was teetering on the lowest pair of heels she owned, but they still felt like stilts to me. She had spiral curled my hair and done my makeup, and I actually really liked it. I never had the time or desire to spend that much time on my hair or makeup, but she seemed to really enjoy it.
During our "Project Beautify Bella" she told me all about growing up with the Cullen brothers and how they had a little sister, Alice, who was five years younger than she and Edward. Their parents were best friends and did everything together. Rose's dad was an attorney at his family's law practice, and Rosalie was going to go pre-law to work there after Harvard Law School, where she would be a legacy as well. It was expected. Just like Edward was supposed to be a doctor and Emmett an architect. Mrs. Cullen's family was one of the original builders of Chicago; Masen and McCarty had been in operation for over a hundred years. Mr. Cullen was a top cardiovascular surgeon, and his family had been physicians in Chicago just as long as Mrs. Cullen's family had been building it. It boggled my mind to have that kind of expectation and pressure put on a bunch of kids, but Rosalie stated the situation so plainly that it was clear the Hale and Cullen children knew exactly what they were to do and did not question it. I had earned my general scholarship and had no idea what I was going to major in, maybe English or journalism or maybe something completely different. I had two years until I had to declare my major, and I wasn't going to be in a hurry.
We walked down the lit path toward a giant stone mansion. I felt a shiver go through my whole body as we approached what Rosalie told me was The Lodge. It was an imposing structure that made me think back to every scary black and white movie I had ever seen.
"Are you sure there is a party? It seems kind of deserted."
"There's a party." Rosalie knocked three times and a small window in the door opened up. She waved at the person looking out at us and the heavy oak door swung open to reveal a boy about our age sitting on a stool in a quiet foyer. I could hear some noise coming from the back of the house and assumed that was where the party was.
"Hey Rosalie. Who's this?"
"Bella, this is Trey. Trey, my roommate Bella."
"Helllllooooo, Bella," he said grabbing my hand and placing a kiss on the top of it. "Marcus Bevins the 3rd, but you can call me 'Trey,' and I do hope you call. Welcome to The Lodge."
Trey winked at me as Rose rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand back for me. She walked me past a grand staircase and opened a pair of heavy doors, and we were whisked into the party by Emmett who must have been waiting for our arrival.
I took a sip from the red plastic cup Emmett placed in my hand. It was a sugary sweet concoction, but I knew there had to be a ton of alcohol in it if I couldn't taste it. He took us over to a bunch of guys and made introductions, but I forgot their names as soon as I heard them. It seemed like a fairly normal party, and as such I was pretty sure that frat parties would never be my thing, but The Lodge was a really cool old house, so I sat my cup down and slipped away to explore. I found myself wandering aimlessly down a hall when I heard the sound of a piano. I came to a pair of pocket doors and saw light coming from a small gap between them. As I peeked through I saw a shock of bronze hair bent over the keys of a concert grand piano. It was Edward Cullen, and he was playing beautifully. Without realizing it, I leaned on one of the doors to listen and my weight forced it to slide open. Losing my balance on the stupid heels Rosalie made me wear, I fell in, flat on my face.
Edward turned around and pinned me with an angry glare.
"I am so sorry, Edward. I..."
He brushed his hands through his hair as he got up and walked toward me.
"Are you alright?"
God, his voice was like black velvet.
I tried to get up, but my heel slipped on the polished wood floor, and I ended up back on my face.
I looked up expecting to see his beautiful face filled with disdain, but he looked like he was holding back a laugh. He held out his hand to help me up. I slowly reached for him, and when our hands touched, I felt a shock go through my arm and down my body. I gasped loudly. I began to move my hand back, but Edward held on tighter. He pulled me to my feet and brought me to his chest. Even with heels on, he was still inches taller than I was. Looking up into his verdant eyes, I felt something pass between us that I had no words to describe. From that moment on, Edward Cullen and I were rarely apart.
I have no idea how long I soaked in the bath, but as I was reaching for the bottle to pour the last of the wine into my glass, I saw Edward leaning against the stone counter of the vanity.
"When did you get home?" I inquired after taking a long drink from my glass.
"A few minutes ago. I didn't want to disturb you."
His voice was thick with exhaustion.
"How did everything go?"
He rubbed his hands through his already unruly hair and let out a sigh.
"It's been a long couple of days, but he's doing stable."
Edward never told me any specifics regarding his patients. He kept their identities and details of their treatment as vague as possible. When we were younger, he would come up with silly names and tell me the things he had done with such excitement. I couldn't recall that last time he had done that.
We stared at each other for a few silent minutes. I could see his eyes rake over my body, and at this point in our marriage, I felt no shame or embarrassment in my nudity. A small part of me longed for him to take his clothes off and join me in the bath, to feel connected to him again—hell to feel a physical connection with any human being at all. I wanted him to show even the least bit of interest, but I knew he wouldn't, that he didn't feel the same anymore.
I had waited long enough for something to change. It was finally time.
January 2007
I sat in the dark sitting room with only the lights of the city shining in through the windows. I heard the ancient brass clock on the mantle chime one bell. Edward was still not home. It had been three days since I saw him last. He had left for his shift at the hospital, and I had only received two texts from him alerting me that he would not be coming home soon. I had finished my bottle of chardonnay and was standing to get another bottle when I heard the elevator doors slide open and Edward's heavy steps cross the marble floor. He saw my form in the dark room and was startled.
"Fuck, Bella! What are you doing?"
The irritation and sleep deprivation was unmistakable in his voice. I wondered when the last time he had gotten any rest was.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I couldn't sleep."
"And I suppose that's my fault, right? What, I didn't call you enough? I'm so sorry, Bella, I was up to my arms in the guts of a fifteen year-old who was shot in a drive-by while playing basketball and couldn't get to a phone. Please do forgive me, I know how upset you get when I'm not here to bitch and complain to."
The snide bite of his comment was not a surprise yet it still cut right through me. His tone with me recently had been constantly layered with irritation and thinly veiled disgust. I had reached my limit. I hadn't planned on saying these words tonight, but I couldn't stop myself as they tumbled from my lips.
"I'm done, Edward. I want a divorce."
He threw his bag against the wall and stomped over to me. His hands grabbed me roughly around my upper arms, and he pulled me to his body in his forceful grasp.
"That's fucking perfect, Bella," he spat. "I spend three days on my feet trying to save lives, cutting and sewing bits of mothers and children back together, and when I come home to get some fucking sleep, my bored, pampered wife tells me she wants a divorce. Are you out of your fucking mind? We're not getting divorced. You made a vow, and by God, you are going to keep it."
He shoved me away from him and ran his hands through his already disheveled hair.
"You have great timing, honey. Just fucking great. You know what? I'm exhausted, and I'm going to bed. You can have your little breakdown by yourself, but you better pull your shit together before dinner with the family tomorrow. You're my wife, you're a Cullen, and that's not going to change."
His reaction didn't surprise me; I knew this wouldn't be easy. In fact, it would be the hardest thing I'd ever done, but I wasn't backing down. I had given this so much thought. Edward was no longer the man I fell in love with. I didn't know when the change had occurred. It most likely progressed over the years, but now the man before me had only a vague resemblance to my beautiful bronze haired boy.
"I'm sorry for the timing of this, Edward, but I'm not backing down. I've compromised every aspect of my life to be a Cullen, and I can't do it anymore."
"The only reason you have this life is because you're a Cullen, you ungrateful..."
Even in the dark I could see his eyes boring into me. I was familiar with his anger; he was always angry about everything so I knew this would be no different, but his cruelty hurt. His lip raised in a snarl, and he turned to go to our bedroom without finishing his thought. I settled on the sofa, pulled a cashmere throw over myself, and felt the hot tears run down my cheeks and soak the fabric of the silken bolster, which I was sure would be ruined. I couldn't have cared less as I fell into a fitful sleep.
I was woken by Edward's arms lifting me from the sofa. I looked at him with confusion as he carried me to our bedroom.
"You are my wife, Isabella. You will sleep in our bed."
He placed me on my side of the bed and returned to his, climbing in with no other acknowledgment of my presence. I curled up into a ball and pulled the covers over my body, fresh tears making trails down my cheeks.
I woke up Sunday morning to a beautiful Chicago January day. Not a cloud in the sky, but cold as hell. Edward was not in our bed, and I knew he would have gotten up to go for a run along the lakefront. As I started my morning routine, I could feel my anticipation and dread grow. Today was the day. I was going to announce our divorce at dinner tonight with his family. I couldn't go along with the charade of a happy marriage any longer. I had given him an extra year of my life in order to avoid the possible embarrassment and discomfort of others and that was all he could have. I heard Edward come in and make his way to the bathroom to shower. I started reading through the paper and waited for our inevitable confrontation.
He walked out to the kitchen dressed in a pair of low slung sweat pants and a worn grey t-shirt. He made no attempt to greet me until after he fixed his protein shake. I watched his meticulous movements. He ran his life like he ran his operating room, with precision and brevity. There were no unplanned moves in Edward's life. Everything was controlled and calculated. There was no room for spontaneity or error. He wouldn't allow it.
He turned toward me and leaned on the opposite side of the breakfast island.
"Good morning."
I let out the breath I had nervously been holding. "Good morning, Edward."
His eyes locked onto mine, and we stared silently at each other for a few minutes.
"You're telling them tonight." There was no emotion or question in his voice. He was simply stating a fact he knew to be true.
"Yes."
"I'm going to the hospital to check on my transplant patient. I'll meet you in Lake Forest."
He threw back the glass containing his breakfast and drank it down in one long gulp. He turned, placed it in the sink, and strode out of the kitchen. I closed my eyes and felt a lone tear slide down my cheek. As I wiped it away, I promised myself it would be the last one I would shed over Edward Cullen and our failed marriage.
