"Same old story, Same old act...One step up and two steps back."

And I think to Myself as I light up another cigarette. How did this all happen?

I know I haven't updated this journal in two weeks but it has been the most eventful two weeks of my life. Allow me to fill you in.

I've quit Xanax, it was a tough battle but I won. Tifa is now living with me, which is a good thing, in my eyes... not so much in her's.
See three days ago Tifa called me about 10 o'clock at night after she left work. Her dad was again on one of his stints and had decided to threaten her life again. I called the cops.

I was able to get a involuntary commitment on him, in a nutshell they arrest him and take him to be evaulated mentally. He got out 8 hours later. So I met with the Guidance counsler at Tifa's school. Tifa's father was so enraged with us that he kicked her out of the house. Like I said earlier great for me, but she is taking it kinda hard. She isn't used to this type of thing. I've moved over 6 times in the last year so I could care less where I'm at.

Problem now is I lost my job due to my Xanax OD, so we have no money and Tifa is pregnant. The few remaining members of my family who still care about me (and thank god in heaven for them) found out about the pregnancy and none of them are mad...its a God send...

It rained today...

Its always raining...

Zack's girlfriend Aerith...did I tell you about her yet? In case I didn't she truly is an Angel. She basically plays mother to the group when Zack's mother Terri is overwhelmed. Well anyway Aerith's Grandfather died Three days ago..Zack is at the funeral now...I hate when I can't help...

You know when you try so hard to take on everyones problems that you forget to take on your own? Yeah...I have to keep a cool modest attitude for Tifa and I know she is trying her hardest to stay in one piece...she cried today...and I couldn't do anything about it...I would have and easier time blowing my brains out then to watch her cry...

So I'm sitting here writing this, Tifa is on the couch balled up and miserable and there is nothing I can do about it...am I strong enough for this...?

Vincent is at work right now, I have to pick him up later..well in about an hour...Vincent got in some trouble a few months ago...and he has 5 days to finish 38 hours of community service or he goes to jail...

Barrett had a fight with his girlfriend and may have to start a fight for custody of his child now...also..he hurt his back and has been out of work for a week now...how is he to make his car payment and feed his child...?

All I can do is talk and try to take care of Tifa...I need to find a place for us to stay right now...Terri can't handle all these people in her home...What the fuck do I do now God? What the fuck do any of us do?

I've learned quickly that cutting myself only heals so much pain..no matter how much you try to forget the world...it doesn't work... and I no longer have the right to die...

Why Tifa trusts or loves me is beyond me...I just hope she hangs on a little longer..I know I can do this...Its almost funny how quickly life can change so drastically...Two months ago I was single living only for myself and working everyday...and now its this...I can no longer comprehend a future that involves happiness...only struggle and vain attempts at anything that even resembles a normal life...

I'm sorry I can't write more right now, I need to try to be with Tifa...If she will allow it...Oh she just walked up behind me and kissed me...maybe she feels better... at least a little bit...I'll talk to you soon...

Cloud Strife...