"Let go, and move on or hold on, and stay stuck."
Warnings: Dark, Deals with the subject of abortion
Rachel's sobs slowly die down, and she roughly wipes her tears away murmuring a slew of swears under her breath. How could they have let things get so out of hand she wondered to herself before standing up on shaky legs leaving her ruined clothing behind. She makes her way towards the stairs, and silently treks up them, trying to ignore the tight feeling in her throat.
For a while she had tried to convince herself that her husband would come back to her and leave the booze and Puck behind, coming back to her as Noah. But the hope she had was just getting tinier and tinier. She wanted to hate him, to despise him, but she just couldn't. She still loved him… and she had to blame herself for the change in his ways, she just hadn't been ready for a baby. And truthfully she didn't think he was going to find out in the first place.
It was last October when this had all started; she had been feeling off for a couple weeks so she scheduled an appointment with Dr. Brookman. When she came into the office the next morning, her doctor had taken a blood test, finally coming to the conclusion that she was pregnant. This could not have been right… Noah and her had been careful, she was on the pill... she was covered. Then it struck her, she had forgotten to take a pill on her last pack. She had been so wrapped up with her auditions that she had skipped a dosage. How could she have been so careless, to think everything would be fine if she just doubled up? She was so stupid, she should have known better. She was Rachel Berry for christsakes. She never made such idiotic decisions. That's when the terror started to kick in, oh god… She wasn't ready for a baby. She was just starting her career, she wasn't even close to winning a Tony or a Grammy, it wasn't time for a baby yet. Rachel snapped herself out of her thoughts thanked her doctor, and got out of there as fast as she could.
She walked out to her car, a hand nervously running through her dark hair. She didn't want this baby; this was absolutely the worst time for her to get pregnant. Her life just getting started, a child would just slow her down. It's terrible to think that, and she knows it… but it's the truth.
Rachel took the long way back to her and Noah's apartment, thinking about the baby she was carrying, about what she would tell her husband, if she would tell him… She already knew he would be completely against the idea of getting rid of this child. She remembered how awfully depressed he had become when Beth was taken away from him. She knew he wouldn't be willing to give up another baby. So, that's exactly why Rachel decided not to tell him.
She ended up going to the clinic to get the procedure done about two weeks after she found out she was pregnant on a Friday, knowing that Noah would be out visiting family then. She only got out of it by saying she had a very important audition that could be her big break, and she couldn't miss it. He had been so understand and sweet about it that it made her chest tighten with the thoughts of what she was planning to do.
She knew that if he found out he would hate her, but she kept convincing herself that she could keep this a secret. He would never even have to know.
Afterwards they had her rest in a recovery area, giving her a shot to protect the fetus if she had any future pregnancies. She received instructions for aftercare, then scheduled a follow up appointment in three weeks. The only person who knew about the abortion was Santana Lopez. While she and the Latina had never really been the best of friends, Rachel knew she too had gone through a similar situation back in high school when she wasn't cautious and got too drunk at a party. Rachel and Santana always used each other lean on, or to call when they needed help or a ride home after a shameful one night stand. Which only applied to Santana now, Rachel would never cheat on her husband. The had always had a 'no questions asked' type of relationship, So, when Rachel called Santana asking her to come pick her up from the outside the clinic the Latina just told her she'd be there.
The pain that was radiating up and down Rachel's body was almost agonizing like menstrual cramps times a hundred. When she received the text from Santana that she was waiting outside, the nurse had checked her out. She allowed the taller brunette to help her to the car, knowing the amount of discomfort the smaller girl was going through.
The ride back to Rachel's apartment was silent, except for the small sniffles from the tiny brunette. Although she had felt relieved after, she still felt pangs of guilt in her chest every time she thought of her husband. Rachel never even tried to hide the tears that were forming in her eyes knowing Santana wouldn't say anything. What made her feel worse was the fact that she really didn't regret the decision she had made.
Santana had followed her up to her apartment making sure she was alright, asking her if she needed anything, asking her if she wanted to talk about anything, but never once did she mention the elicit procedure.
The Latina helped her up to bedroom, handing her two of the pain pills the doctor prescribed for her and a glass of water. After taking the pills and setting the glass on her nightstand, Rachel pulled the covers up to her neck and wrapped her arms around Noah's pillow pulling it close to her inhaling the smell of his cologne that lingered on the pillowcase.
"Stay..." She weakly called out, before Santana could slip out the door.
The hand that had been reaching out for the door knob stopped, and without a word, the taller brunette turned and walked over to the bed kicking of her shoes before sliding under the covers with her.
The warmth that radiated off the other girl comforted Rachel, knowing she wasn't completely alone mixed with the fact that her pain pills were kicking in, helped her fall asleep almost instantly.
Before she drifted off, she heard the Latina whisper in her ear
"You don't have to tell him."
And she didn't plan on it.
She had woken up late in the afternoon, with no desire to get out of bed she pulled her husbands pillow close to her and shut her eyes attempting to go back to sleep.
"The clinic called earlier." Santana said looking at the small brunette tucked in the covers "Said this was totally normal, and to keep taking the pills to help with the pain."
Rachel cracked open an eye to look at her, taking in the sympathy that was written all over the Latinas face.
Sighing deeply, she sat up slowly and nodded reaching over to pick up the bottle of pain medication on her bedside table, taking two before laying back down "I'm fine." She mumbles turning over on her side.
Santana frowns and nods "You will be." She says sadly, stepping out of the bedroom closing the door gently behind her.
Rachel did nothing but lay in bed for the next week, she just didn't feel the need to get up and the cramping in her abdomen wasn't helping. Santana brought her food and water, coming in to talk every once in a while never mentioning the surgery directly.
She finally got out of bed to take a shower, the day before Noah was supposed to come home. The discomfort was starting to fade thankfully even though she was still spotting that could easily be covered as her period.
Santana left the next day, "Everything will be fine." She whispered, kissing the shorter girls forehead before slipping out the door.
A few hours later Noah came home, grinning at her "I missed you so fuckin' much." He said setting his bag down, pulling her into a hug dipping his head down to kiss her "I'm gonna show you how much I missed you." He smirked, and usually Rachel would give him a devilish smile and lead him back to the bedroom, but now she just felt awfully guilty looking at his face and was still way too sore.
Hurriedly she pulled away and looked at him, quickly shaking her head "That sounds really tempting but Noah we can't, well not now at least… I just started my menstrual cycle, and I'm really not feeling up to it." She lied rapidly, flashing him a reassuring smile.
When Noah paused, her heart skipped a beat and she prayed he hadn't figured her out so quickly people always said he read her like a book. After what seemed like hours to her, but was probably really actually seconds he nodded.
"Alright, I guess I can wait." He says with a teasing roll of his eyes before leaning down to drop a kiss on her lips "I'm gonna go jump in the shower then, babe."
Rachel breathes out a sigh of relief watching him walk back to their bedroom. He knew her better then anyone and the fear that he would find out was making her throat tight. She was just going to have to pull out her best acting skills now, and not tip him off for the next couple months and everything would be fine.
And things were fine for the next couple weeks at least. Rachel kept the pain pills in the bottom of her purse so Noah would be less likely to stumble across them. For a while she had to keep up the lie about her menstrual cycle to blame for the pain that Noah was starting to notice her having and the reason why she refused to have sex, but this actually wasn't a complete lie because she was still spotting which according to Santana she would probably be dealing with for the next month.
Everything was going good between her and Noah, and she thought she was home free but that was until Sunday when the clinic decided to call to confirm her follow up appointment while she was in the shower.
As soon as she heard the telephone ring she bolted out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her waist. "Wait! Noah, don't!" She called out when she saw him pick up the phone.
He just gave her a strange look and held the phone to his ear. She jumped at him trying to knock the receiver out of his hands. He easily dodged her, keeping an arm out to block her, an amused smile playing at his lips.
"Hello?" The smile quickly faded, and his eyebrows furrowed "Uh… You must have the wrong number… Appointment? For what?"
Rachel watched helplessly, begging him to hand her the phone but he didn't hear her. She watched his face contort with confusion, then crumple in disbelief and the receiver fall from his hand clattering to the floor.
"You didn't, Rachel." He says his turning to look at her his eyes glassy, his hands falling to his sides. "That can't be true… I mean you weren't even pregnant."
"Noah, I…. I'm sorry." She whispers, feeling tears start to form in her eyes watching him, knowing how hard he wants to believe the receptionist on the line was lying.
"You are…" He says slowly then pauses, a look of total sadness taking over his face "You were…" He says his voice breaking, his eyes flickering down to her stomach "How could you? My baby? Our baby?"
Breathing out shakily, she wrings her hands together nervously "I'm sorry, Noah…" She says quietly avoiding his gaze, knowing if she saw the look on his face she'd break. "You and me both know we weren't ready for a baby yet..."
He scoffs and shakes his head "What is wrong with you, Rachel?" He asks looking at her incredulously. "You got a fucking abortion? Without even asking me, without even telling me? I would've wanted that baby no matter what! Who are you to say I wasn't ready for a kid!" He practically yells in her face. "When did you plan on telling me that you killed our baby?"
A tear slips down her cheek and she looks at the floor, flinching at his harsh choice of words. She knew this was going to happen, she should have known she wouldn't be able to keep this under wraps.
Realization dawns on him and his face falls "You weren't going to tell me… Were you? You were just hoping I would never find out, huh?" He sneers, his fists clenching.
She doesn't say anything just continues to avoid looking at him.
He feels his eyes start to burn with unshed tears then before he knows it his fist is flying out, smashing into the wall beside him leaving a gaping hole. "I knew you could be selfish sometimes, Rachel... But I didn't know you could be this awful." He says his voice cracking, he knows he has to get out of there before he explodes "I'm won't ever forgive you, Rachel." He bites out before stomping away from her flinging the door open. Walking out he slams the door shut with such force the frame rattles and cracks up the sides.
Rachel's face crumples, and she slides down the wall clutching the towel tightly around her body. God, why the hell did she think she'd be able to keep this from him? She pulled he knees to her chest, and for the first time she feels regret... About everything.
After that day, Noah hadn't come home for almost a week then when he finally did on Saturday at midnight; he of course was drunk off his ass.
She had been so relieved he had come home that she didn't even care he reeked of booze, she just ran to him launching herself into his arms, murmuring apologies.
He had ignored her and shoving her away from him a look of disgust on his face that broke her heart "Just leave me alone." He said flatly before trudging to their bedroom.
When she followed him to their room, he didn't even acknowledge her existence this time. She didn't push him to talk to her either, just changed into an oversized t-shirt and laid down beside him. Then at three in the morning when he rolled on top of her and pushed up the shirt and pulled off her panties, she let him. Welcomed it even. She had just missed him so much, missed him loving her, missed him making love to her. She just wanted her husband back.
But eventually she discovered he wasn't the Noah she loved and that loved her back anymore, he was Puck. It was just the only way he knew how to cope, using alcohol. Then the more he drank, the more Noah faded away for him.
But she was still hoping and probably always would be that things would get better.
Authors Note-
Okay well, there's chapter two…kind of heavy huh? I am actually pro-choice, I believe a woman should have the right to their own body, but I mean let's be realistic Puck would definitely not be okay with Rachel keeping that huge secret from him. This is a Puckleberry story though, a dark Puckleberry story but still a Rachel/Puck story none the less. And no, Finn probably won't be making an appearance in the story in case you guys were wondering. I appreciated all the reviews last chapter :) I love reading your guys feedback. Oh and by the way there are warnings on this story for a reason, if you don't like it, don't read.
