CHAPTER TWO: Fight or Flight

I'm setting us free.

As soon as he heard the words, despite Riley's best attempt to sugarcoat what they really meant, Lucas could feel them cutting through his chest, devastatingly sure these very words would haunt him for the rest of his days. He didn't want to be set free, not from her. Quite on the contrary, for the longest time he'd wished everyday to be lucky enough to have and hold Riley for countless years to come. He didn't need to be free of anything… but she did.

She wanted to be free, from him, from their relationship. She was going to college, to NYU, and he would be across the country on A&M. Maybe she wanted a fresh start, no strings attached, or maybe he just wasn't enough anymore, maybe he had never been… perhaps deep down Lucas had known it all along and this entire time he'd only hoped she wouldn't see it too. But now she did and she wanted her freedom. How could he argue with that? Riley deserved it, she deserved the world and he would give it to her, whatever she wanted, even if it was no longer him.

For the next week, Lucas couldn't sleep. Every night was a new battle, as he helplessly tried to chase away his demons, some of which he'd believed to be long gone, only now they were back and stronger than ever, taking advantage of a Lucas completely stripped of his might. He'd tried fighting away his thoughts of Riley too; shake her words out for his sanity's sake. I'm setting us free. It was pointless; they were under his skin, stained like a curse.

Lucas barely left his room. His last week in New York City for who knows how long and he couldn't bring himself to say goodbye. Not to the place, not to the people. Farkle and Isadora had left for Massachusetts only a couple of days before the breakup, so he thankfully got to say goodbye and wish them well before his entire world fell apart. But Zay… hell, he didn't even know if Zay had already moved to his dorm on Juilliard or if his classed had started. His life-long best friend, going through one of the biggest moments of his life, and for the last several days he hadn't crossed Lucas's mind.

Forcefully, he reached for his phone on the nightstand. Lucas had avoided it like the plague for the last week. Who was he kidding? He'd avoided the entire world, for he no longer knew how to survive on it, neither did he want to live on this new version reality, so he postponed it as long as possible. He felt defeated. Lucas Friar, Mr. Freaky Face, Golden Boy, Lucas the Good… gave up. He hated to admit it, but he didn't have any fight left in him.

For the last couple of months, Lucas had done his best to stay strong while his friends were all but falling apart; he had taken it upon himself to be their rock, like he always did. Of course everyone was excited about College, but it was impossible not to wonder what would happen to their friendship, not to fear they'd fall out of touch and break the precious bond they'd built over the years. When even Riley, ever the optimist, had doubted, Lucas had been the one to assure all of them everything would be okay, that things would work out for everyone. And for the most part they did… except for him. Now he was alone, soon to be gone and with no one to rely on. If only he had tried a little harder, if only Riley would give him another chance, if only… if only he had gotten into NYU. Lucas shook his head, ignoring the what ifs and might have beens, as he lied on his back, dialing Zay's number.

"He's alive!" Zay mockingly greeted "Had me worried for a second there, buddy."

"I know; I disappeared. I'm sorry, man. Things just…" He didn't know what to say. Lucas couldn't even comprehend all the changes tearing his life to shreds on the last few days, let alone explain them.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He didn't just want to talk, he wanted to scream! God, he wanted to cry and Lucas himself couldn't remember how long it'd been since he'd last shed a tear, even if he'd gotten dangerously close that night with Riley. He wanted to pour out all of these feelings instead of battling and bottling them inside, so that maybe he'd stand a chance at controlling or at the very least understanding them. But he couldn't. Realizing there wouldn't be an answer, Zay continued "I'll take that as a no."

"So has ballet camp started yet?" Lucas changed the subject.

"I'll pretend you didn't just say that." Zay laughed.

"Come on, I'm just messing with you! You know how proud I am that you go in."

"Yeah, well… Gonna be honest with you, I don't think it's set in just yet. I might need to have that first class and, you know, see how terrible I am compared to everybody else. Start working my butt off; get some blisters or a strained muscle. Maybe then I'll believe this is really happening." He chuckled in true Zay style, but Lucas knew him too well not to notice the sadness of his undertone.

"Okay, what did I miss? What happened to your confidence? You know, that loud, annoying, never wavering one?!"

"It's still here, man. Believe me, it is and right now that's the one thing getting me to go through with this madness. This is me being confident and taking the biggest leap of faith I've risked in my entire life."

Both, Lucas and Zay, remained silent for long uncomfortable seconds. Where was this coming from? Lucas remembered Zay's reaction to Juilliard's acceptance letter in detail. He did freaking pirouettes! He wouldn't shut up about how he was going to make it on Broadway or whatever and wouldn't stop thanking… Riley… for convincing him to apply and give his passion for dance a real shot. Lucas couldn't understand how Zay had gone from pirouetting excited to shaking in his boots, well, ballet shoes.

"What's with all this crap now?" He finally inquired, once past the shock over his friend's new found insecurities "I've seen you dance, Zay, you're incredible!"

"Yeah, 'cause you're quite the expert, aren't you, square dance?"

"You can't even use this joke on me, you're a Texan too!" A shy chuckle escaped Lucas, taken aback by Zay's quick response.

"Damn, you're right."

They both laughed. It was incredible how Zay could so easily change the mood of a conversation. It was like this gift of his. For a long time Lucas and many of their friends had given Zay a hard time about his big mouth, bad timing and so called inopportune jokes. But now Lucas couldn't help but wonder if that entire time Zay really didn't know what he was doing or if his best friend had always been purposely intervening whenever times got hard, helping unnoticed on the sidelines. And if so, had any of them done the same for him? Before Lucas could deepen on such thought, Zay's voice brought him back.

"So… A&M. Is it really happening?" He spoke carefully, tip toeing around the real question.

"Yes." Lucas answered shortly.

"What about…" He trailed off.

"There's nothing for me here, Zay. Not anymore." Zay wasn't sure what he had expected to hear, but this surely wasn't it.

"I thought you were considering NYU." He pushed his luck a little further. Last time Zay checked, Lucas was worried out of his mind about not getting his letter, even if he wouldn't tell anyone else about it. He didn't want them… well her, to worry too. A&M was his second option at best. When in the span of a week had that gone out of the window?

"Never heard back from them. And honestly, it's better that way." He did his best to mean it, but if Lucas couldn't even make himself believe it, why would anyone else?

"I see..." He was curious. Of course Zay was worried about his friend too, but man he was curious about whatever happened to Lucas's 10-year-plans "So when are you leaving?"

"In two days."

"What? I thought you were staying at least another week!"

"So did I." Lucas voice was a broken whisper.

If he still had any doubts, Zay was now more than certain something had gone terribly wrong. Something with Riley. Ever since she had gotten her letter from NYU, and Lucas hadn't received his, Zay had watched his friend make it his life's mission to spend every second he possibly could with his girlfriend. He had extended his stay on the city and decided to wait until the very last minute to go to Texas; he'd be arriving on campus only a day before classes begun. Now it looked like he couldn't get out of New York fast enough. His best friend would be gone too soon, too suddenly, and with a lot of unfinished business as it seemed.

"Plans change, I guess." Zay knew better than to expect Lucas to pour his heart out to him, especially through the phone. So he let it go… for the time being.

"They sure do." The pain was more than apparent in his voice.

"Okay. Well, I need to see you before you go. Do you need help packing or maybe we could meet somewhere tomorrow…"

"Topanga's?" He wasn't sure what kind of conditioned response that was, the word leaving his lips so fast Lucas didn't have the chance to consider it and, for an even stranger reason, he couldn't bring himself to take it back.

"Hum… sure." Now he really didn't know what to make of any of this. If Zay was right about what Lucas's sudden change of plans and demeanor was about, why of all places would he want to meet at Topanga's? "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah, at six?" He tried to sound nonchalant.

"Sounds good."

"See ya, ballet boy." Lucas smiled sadly and, little did he know, Zay mirrored his expression on the other side of the line.

"Whatever you say, square dance."

Hanging up, Lucas didn't have time to think through his conversation with Zay. He was almost certain his friend had caught on to his heartbreak and there was clearly something going on with him as well. His trail of thought was cut short, however, as his mother knocked on the door, letting herself into his room with a warm smile.

"Pappy Joe called."

"Yeah?" Lucas sat up on the end of his bed, his mother taking the spot next to him.

"Yes! He's so excited to have you back there. He was going on and on about how he had the guest room painted and about all the new furniture he's got…"

"He does know I'll be living on campus though, right? On College Station, like two hours away from Austin?" He hated himself for sounding so harsh. He didn't mean to be rude, but the thought of leaving for A&M unnerved him beyond comprehension and college was all anyone would talk about in the Friar household lately.

"Well, yes…" His mother's smile faltered as she studied the troubled aspect of her son "But Pappy Joe misses you and, when your father and I told him you'd be attending college on Texas, there was no stopping him. You know how much he loves you Luke, he's excited to have you spend some more time with him, in weekends and holidays, and he just wanted you to feel at home. I think he may even have a nice surprise waiting for you. Lucas, are you listening?" Her mother shook his shoulder, forcing him back to reality.

"Hum? Sorry, I was just, I've been just…" What should he say? What could he? Hey, sorry Mom, it's just you mentioned Texas and my mind went spinning for a minute with all the reasons I don't want to go. Yeah, probably not the answer she was looking for.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" Her tone was loving, but undoubtedly worried.

"Nothing, I…" She didn't let him finish. Not when once more her son was shutting her out. It'd been so long since he'd last closed up like this, he hadn't since… No. She wouldn't as much as allow herself to consider it. This wasn't happening again.

"You've been locked in this room for days. You have bags under your eyes the size of basketballs. You barely eat. You've been avoiding everything and everyone and your father and I have given you space, but if something's wrong we need to know, Lucas."

"I'm just overwhelmed, that's all. You know, moving, College, it's a lot. I need some time to get adjusted to all of these… changes." He could say no more, blinking back the tears he had been fighting for what felt like an eternity now; Lucas eyes silently begged his mother to understand he needed to be alone.

She simply nodded, her lips a thin line. It was the first time in weeks Lucas saw his mother look anything but happy and he had been the one to erase her smile. When would he stop disappointing people? He watched as she left the bed and crossed his room, stopping by the door and looking back at him.

"If you really mean to be on that flight in two days, it might be a good idea to start packing, Luke. Your father got you some boxes; they're in the living room. Let me know if you need help with anything, okay?"

Lucas was perfectly aware his mother meant to extend her help way beyond packing, even if she didn't know what exactly was going on. It was for her own good that she didn't though, her son would be leaving for College on a couple of days, he'd be living alone for the first time and on the other side of the country, to top it all off; she didn't need any more reasons to worry. She forced a smile, defeated by his silence, and exited the room closing the door behind her. Lucas threw himself back on the bed, closing his eyes and pointlessly wishing next time he opened them the past week turned out to be just one big nightmare.