I Can't Hold On

"Mr. and Mrs. Redbird, please sit down" Dr. Gray said to Stark and I as we sat in his office. Dr. Gray had black hair, with a little gray growing. He was skinny, not big and heavyweight. He wore a white doctors coat and had a sad expression on his face.

Stark and I sat down in the two chairs that sat closest to each other. I put my arm on the armrest and Stark took my hand in his and squeezed it, I did it back.

I nodded my head for him to continue.

"Mr. Redbird-" he started but was cut off by Stark.

"Just call me Stark please" he requested.

"Sure," he said. "Stark, we have done a CT Scan of your brain, and other parts of your body. Stark, you have brain cancer," Dr. Gray finished.

I put my hand to my mouth to bite back a scream. I squeezed Stark hand harder and he squeezed mine equally hard. I turned my head slowly, my hand still pressed to my mouth. Stark turned too and we just stared into each others eyes for I don't know how long.

I finally mustered some fake courage, removed my hand from my mouth, and faced the doctor again. "Time, options?" I asked.

"Well we can do a combination of radiation and chemo. But first we have to do a surgery and determine the size and grade of the tumor. Then we can see if we can remove it all. But the tumor is big and growing rapidly so I must warn you, surgery may not be an option."

"When do we start the chemo\radiation?" Stark asked.

"Well, if you're comfortable with it, we can start chemo today, and after the surgery, radiation," he explained, "So do you want to do it today or wait?"

Stark and I shared a look, "Today," he said.

"Okay," said Dr. Gray, and then we had paper to sign for the whatever.

"Time?" I said again.

"Ten to fifteen percent survival rate," he said and with that my head dropped to my knees.

LATER THAT DAY

"Okay, I'm going to put the I.V. in you arm, then it will flow through your body. I'll come back in a little while to take it out. You might feel sick, nauseated, may vomit, may feel lightheaded, dizzy, or feel fatigued. It's normal," the nurse explained to us as Stark sat in a white hospital bed. I hated seeing him there.

"Will I lose my hair?" Stark asked. He would be worried about his hair, I put a sad smile on my lips.

"Well, they do a biopsy on you brain, so either you or they will shave your head either way. They'll do the biopsy in two days," she said, it sounded like she did this twenty times a day; unemotional and uncaring. She took the needle and pierced Stark's skin, we both winced as it went through, into the vein. "I'll be back in a little while to check you," she said, then left us there in that little hospital room.

I sighed and pulled up a chair, I was so tired. I lifted my head up and looked at Stark. He looked broken, like a semi had just ran him over and split him in two. I pulled out of my chair and sat on the hospital bed with him. "It's okay," was all I said before I pulled him to me. I wrapped my arms around him and he wrapped his tightly around my torso. I rocked back and fourth, out bodies pressed tightly together. I felt hot wetness on my shoulder, and I realized he was crying. "It'll be okay," I muttered, "You can do this, I'm right here," is what I said again and again, until Stark pulled back. His face poised to puke, I reacted on a seconds notice. I looked behind me and found a gray tub. I thrust it at him and he leaned over it and threw up. He continued to do this for a while, I felt so helpless.

I couldn't do anything, but rub his back and hold his hand. It was agonizing. He finally stopped and I took the gray tub from him. I had to pry it from his hands; they were like iron claws wrapped around it. Stark was breathing hard and panting. I took a tissue from the box and wiped his mouth. Then poured some water into a cup and gave it to him.

He took it and pressed the cup to his lips. Then gave it back to me and I sat it on the counter by the bed.

"It's over," I said to him and he nodded.

"For now," he said in a weak voice.

"Anything else hurt?" I asked.

"My head, and my stomach is still queasy," he told me and I pushed his shoulder back so that he laid down.

I stood up and leaned down. I carefully pressed my lips to his and he responded instantly. It was a light make-out, but it still brightened my day. I pulled back when I heard the door come open. I also jumped like a kid caught by his parents doing something he wasn't supposed to do. I blushed and stood up. I was twenty three years old and still blushing.

The nurse smiled, "I see we're feeling a bit better than a little earlier?" she laughed. Then she came over and took the needle out of his arm and put a band-aid where the puncture was. "All done, you'll probably feel week and a bit dizzy for a while, but it should subside. You're released to go anytime," she finished with a smile and then left the room.

"Ready?" I asked as I saw Stark trying to sit up.

"Yea, can you help me up," he laughed, but I took his hands and pulled him into a sitting position first then helped him stand up. I wrapped his arm around my should then I looped my arm around his waist. Then we walked slowly out of the hospital room. I leaned my head on his shoulder as we walked outside to my car. I opened the passenger side door and helped him in. He buckled the seatbelt and the door shut with a soft thud.

I opened my door and shut it, then turned on the car. Next, I started the twenty-five minute drive home. Stark fell asleep on the way there, he must have been so worn out. I spent the whole way contemplating what in the hell I was going to do.

Okay, sad I know. Please don't yell or complain to me if I'm doing the whole brain cancer thing wrong. I'm doing all that I can in research! Luv you guys! 3