Warning contains bashing.

Episode 2 How Long Can You Survive

Aldara: Welcome again to the Hellsing vs Twilight Show

*Audience Claps*

Aldara: Before we get the show started I want to say I apologize the director of the show canceled us for a while so now we are back. Today we have three special guests. The first one is Walter. Second one is Seras. The third is the awesome killer priest. Father Alexander Anderson.

Walter: I'm very grateful to be on this show.

Seras: I never knew Master had so many fan girls.

Angry Fan girls: STAY AWAY FROM ALUCARD SERAS WE WILL STAKE YOU IF YOU TRY ANYTHING!

Aldara: Never underestimate a fan girls love.

Walter: True so very true I had to learn the hard way.

Anderson: That's very scary.

Aldara: You should be scared because I'm a fan girl of you darling.

Aldara: Okay let's bring out Alucard and the err….. fairy princess.

Bella: HIS NAME IS EDWARD!

Aldara: Whatever. GAURDS GET HER OUT!

Alucard: Don't be so harsh on the human she's just confused.

Aldara: You have noooooo right to talk mister.

Edward: I thought Bella was here where did she go?

Aldara: Ummmmm….. She had to uhhh…. Go get groceries for her Dad.

Edward: Oh Okay.

Alucard: Hello fairy.

Edward: I'm a real vampire I bet I can kick your-.

Alucard: Now remember what happened last time you're lucky we found a way to bring you back.

Edward: Your right ill stop.

Aldara: Okay before things get too out of hand let's get on with the challenges.

Anderson: Aye' think aye' wanna kill tha fairy first. Or should aye' kill tha bastard first? What a tough decision.

Aldara: Save your bloodlust Andy.

Alucard: How come he gets a nickname and I don't?

Aldara: I love him more sorry Alucard. Anyways the first challenge is who can throw a wooden javelin through the vampires heart that is farthest away.

Alucard: This should be easy well for me anyways.

On the field

Aldara: Alrighty folks. Edward has the intense glare on his target.

Swoosh

Aldara: He only throws it threw the vampire that is 14 yards away.

Edward: Let's see that old dog top that.

Aldara: Everybody put on your protective gear just in case , we all know how competitive Alucard gets.

Walter: Do you think he will 'accidently' throw it threw Edward?

Seras: Knowing him yes he will

Anderson: Tha bastard betta not. Tha fairy can be a play thing at tha orphanage an' buy me some time.

Aldara: alright everybody get ready Alucard has that super sexy smug face on.

SWOOSH

Aldara: OMG HE HIT 16 TRAGETS THREW THE HEART AND MADE IT ALL THE WAY OUT THE FEILD.

Edward: That's not fair he CHEATED!

Alucard: No I didn't I'm just a real vampire.

Edward: Noooo you cheated.

Alucard: How?

Edward: Umm… you uhhh…

Alucard: That's what I thought you sore loser.

Aldara: Okay you too settle down.

Edward: BUT HE WAS CHEATING AND THAT'S NOT FAIR AND I WON'T SETTLE DOWN!

Aldara: HEY MISTER YOU DO NOT YELL AT ME LIKE THAT OKAY!

Edward: Yes madam.

Aldara: He did not cheat Edward he's just that awesome. So calm the heck down.

Anderson: How did he do that?

Walter: Do what?

Anderson: Tha fairies nose sucked up lik two fan girls didn ya see that. Didn ya see how he flares his nostrils that's so freaky.

Seras: I can try to pull her out. When he's not looking.

Walter: Oh my gosh I think I see a leg hanging out. We can't tell Alucard about this.

Anderson: Why?

Alucard: Because NOBODY sucks up my fan girls but me.

Aldara: Now everybody the next challenge is-

BANG BANG BANG!

Aldara: AHHHH ALEINS THERE HERE! EVERBODY PUT ON YOUR TINFOIL HATS!

Anderson: No tha vampire is tryin ta kill tha fairy.

Aldara: Why? We can't have anybody killed we will get canceled again!

Seras: Because when Edward was yelling he sucked up two fan girls with his nose.

Aldara: The Hell! How is that even possible? Forget it Andy hold down Alucard. Seras help Andy. Walter wrap Alucard in your wires just in case.

All Three: Roger that!

4 Hours Later

Alucard: IM GONNA KILL YOU! YOU STUPID RIDICULOUS EXCUSE FOR A VAMPIRE!

Aldara: Alucard calm down she is still alive.

2 more Hours Later

Aldara: Sorry for the mishap thats been going on. The fan girl is still alive. She needs therapy but should be back.

Seras: Poor girl.

Alucard: I will kill him some way and he won't come back either.

Aldara: OKAAYYYY. The next challenge is who can survive 4 hours with a garlic filled room. If you talk about anything you're out. If you use any powers you're out. If you do anything in that room you're out.

Edward: That challenge makes no sense.

Aldara: Shutup! This is a test who is real and who is not. The only thing you can do in there is sit and try to stand the smell.

Outside the Garlic room

Anderson: Bet ya 2 bucks tha Alucard will kill tha boy in tha room. Walter is it a deal?

Walter: Deal!

6 minutes later

Alucard: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE I CAN DEAL WITH THE SMELL BUT HE JUST GOES ON AND ON AND ON ABOUT HIS GIRL FRIEND!

Edward: And she is so smart and-

Seras: SHUTUP!

Aldara: Alrighty Edward yourrrr OUT.

Edward: How?

Aldara: Because I said no talking because you voice is annoying so I thought maybe that would be fair for everybody. And also because you slightly damaged Alucards brain by talking about your girlfriend. So Alucard wins anyway you put it.

Edward: Will I ever win?

Walter: No

Edward: Who asked you?

Walter: You just asked everybody nobody would answer so I answered for them.

Edward: Thank you!

Walter: Idiot…

SWOOSH

THUMP

Aldara: ALEXANDER WHY DID YOU CUT OFF HIS HEAD!

Alexander: Sorry aye' couldn' help meself.

Alucard: For the first time ever I am true fully thankful to you.

Alexander: High Five!

Alucard: Yeah!

Walter: This is a Kodak moment.

Seras: This will make yaoi fan girls go crazy.

Aldara: Sense Edward has died earlier than expected we will have to cut the show.

Alucard: Don't worry I will threaten the director to put us back on the air.

Aldara: If you have any questions put send them to us.

After the Show

Maxwell: *sobs* HOW COULD YOU KILL EDWARD ALEX! WHAT ABOUT BELLA! OHHHH THE HORROR!*faints*

Alexander: *sighs* Why do I work for him!

Aldara: Don't worry here have a rum filled cookie.

Alucard: HOW COME HE GETS A COOKIE!

Aldara: Here I made you a blood cookie.

Alucard: Thanks sexy! *teleports away*

Stay tuned for the next episode…. maybe